Am I being precious about toddler's routine?

[justsobloodytired]

DD is almost 2. DP works away for half of the month so I do most of the childcare alone. DD goes to nursery when I'm at work. She has the same routine at nursery and at home with me on my days off - set times for nap, meals, bath time and bedtime etc (not like precise on the minute or anything, but an approx window, eg- tea between 4-4.30 ish, bath 6-6.30 for example).

When DP comes home he looks after her on his one of his days off, and he always changes the routine. Meal times are always later, especially teatime. For example tonight I rang from work to say I was leaving and to check how she was at 5.15pm, and he said she still hasn't had tea but he was going out in the car to collect her older sister from an after school activity so would just wait til he got home. It was an hour round trip so by the time he was home it would be past her usual bath time and she would likely be very hungry. He said it's fine, she's had plenty of snacks. I said could you please get her something to eat on way to collect eldest - he said OK I'll get her a happy meal from McDonalds. Anyway she doesn't really like chicken nuggets so as predicted she didn't eat them and just ate chips instead. So her tea consisted of chips in the back of the car at 5.30 (an hour later than her usual tea time).

I was upset about this as I just feel like that's not an adequate tea for a 2 year old and it's also too late. It feels like he comes home after I've kept to a routine for her the rest of the time he's been away and just messes it up.

I'm hesitant to express my annoyance too much as I know he misses her when he's away - for example when i asked him why he didn't make her tea at the usual time before leaving to collect eldest, he said (I quote): "I wanted to spend time playing with her instead".

I do get that. But this isn't the first time he's let her routine slide and just given her snacks instead of a proper tea, or her bath time has been closer to her usual bedtime (an hour later) etc.

AIBU to expect him to keep a similar routine to the one I and nursery have with her when he's away? Or am I being precious and I need to just allow him to parent his own way on his own timescales when he's home?

[Newnamefornewyear2023]

@NuffSaidSam

I think he probably should make an effort to stick broadly to the routine. It's not really fair to do very little parenting and then when you do not doing it 'properly'. He's being a Disney dad but whilst still in the family home!

It's not that there's a problem with chips for tea occasionally or skipping bath time because it's late, it's that it can't happen all the time and it's not fair for one parent to do all the hard work of good parenting and the other to cash in all the 'chips for dinner is fine once'.

This

[MeinKraft]

I read this article on precisely this subject the other day. I wish it had been written when my first was little. amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/24/mum-watched-me-correct-my-husband-then-sagely-warned-me-dont-become-the-expert-in-the-baby

[anon2022anon]

Let him do it his way, let him know but also let him deal with the consequences. So if she doesn't have a proper meal, it's him who gets up to deal with a hungry baby overnight.

[R0ckets]

@anon2022anon

Let him do it his way, let him know but also let him deal with the consequences. So if she doesn't have a proper meal, it's him who gets up to deal with a hungry baby overnight.

To be honest she's probably much more likely to sleep better if she's eating later than if she's eating a 4pm. Our son still eats with us at home after he's been to nursery having his last meal at 4pm is much too early to sustain him until morning.

[saraclara]

I'm glad that you've come round to it not being a big issue, OP. To be honest I think he might unwittingly be shopping you a favour. Having such a rigid routine seven days a week, can mean that a risks doesn't learn adaptability, and becomes rigid in their meds themselves. Then when you HAVE to break the routine for some reason, they don't cope.

A day a week that veers from the normal, particularly when it's attached to another parent (so she has mum and nursery's routine and Daddy's 'routine') will do her no harm at all, and is probably going to help her to be flexible and adaptable.

[saraclara]

Shopping= doing!

[saraclara]

Oh for goodness sake! So many Swype typos! I hope you can interpret them!

[MysteryBelle]

I think he needs to respect the effort you’ve put in to establish a routine. He seems to be completely dismissive. So while you should be somewhat flexible, I think he’s the unreasonable one here.

[Inertia]

I've been in the position of parenting alone with a DH who works away, so completely understand the need to have a routine- there's nobody else to share the workload with, so everything has to fit together.

In your shoes, I would work on the basis that DH has taken charge of parenting for the rest of the evening and overnight, so that any consequences of dropping the routine are visible to him. If she's hungry later, DH deals with that. He puts her to bed- if she's grumpy because she's overtired with a late bedtime, he has to figure out how to manage. If she's up late in the morning and you've gone to work, he deals with breakfast and school runs. No point you getting angry and then picking up the pieces.

[Abasnada]

Don’t be too precious it’s good for kids to learn that sometimes things change and they need to be flexible.

[BabyofMine]

Missing the point totally, why did he get her chicken nuggets if she doesn’t like them?! Happy Meals also do burgers, cheeseburgers, or fish fingers instead (tbf you usually have to wait a few mins for the fish fingers but burgers are always ready.)

(not that I’ve eaten far too much McDonalds or anything!)

[justsobloodytired]

@R0ckets

She has her tea at 4/4.30 but then a snack around 5.30/6 just before her bath. Her tea is not the last thing she eats before bed.

[justsobloodytired]

@Crabsy

On a nursery day what she's doing between tea and bed at 7pm is:

-4-4.30 tea at nursery

• 5.15 ish nursery pick up
• 5.45 arrive home
• snack as soon as home (usually toast with jam)
• 6-6.30 bath-time, teeth brushed, ready for bed
• 7pm bedtime (usually down asleep by 7.30 latest).

On a non nursery day the same except the window 4.30-5.45 is spent playing together and having fun as opposed to being at / travelling home from nursery.

[R0ckets]

@justsobloodytired

@R0ckets

She has her tea at 4/4.30 but then a snack around 5.30/6 just before her bath. Her tea is not the last thing she eats before bed.

If she has a snack an hour after her tea then genuinely what your DH was doing was just the same but in reverse?

Giving her the snack first and then her tea later. The only difference is she would have got to eat the tea with her sister and dad. She possibly would wake less too eating later which I'd surely worth a try no?

[justsobloodytired]

@Crabsy

Just to add - I wouldn't usually go to a cafe at a time that didn't fit with her lunch times. If she needed lunch I'd make sure either the timings of my cafe outing fitted with her usual lunch time, or I'd go to the cafe either before or after that time once she'd had lunch at home.

Of course, that doesn't stop me from giving her a snack or something at the cafe around meal times. But I'd fit my plans into her routine as opposed to trying to flex her routine, if that makes sense. It's just the way I prefer to run my day.

[Cm078]

My DP is the same. He tries, but its just not in him like it is me, he can't keep track of time very well.
In the end I just got used to it, as long as DS is happy, fed and watered and clean, thats the main thing.
I think most of it is down to how us females and males differ in ways. Don't worry. 😊

[justsobloodytired]

@Kitcaterpillar

I didn't call to check if she'd had tea on time. I called to say I was on my way home and to ask how she was.

Come on. There's no way you weren't gently checking up on them.

Calling my partner who I've barely spoken to all day to say 'I'm on my way home now, how has our child been today' is in my world an entirely normal thing to do. If that's "checking up on" in your world that's fine. Call it what you like.

It's no different than every single time I arrive for nursery pick up and ask the staff how she's been today. 🤷‍♀️

[Copperoliverbear]

It is a bit controlling but I do think her tea time is very early, when you know it's his turn to look after them make something the night before that he can just heat up.
I know you shouldn't have to but if you are that worried. X

[justsobloodytired]

@R0ckets

I take your point that he was doing the same in reverse. It still doesn't sit comfortably with me for her not to get a proper meal until much later. But I do see your point.

[justsobloodytired]

@BabyofMine

Missing the point totally, why did he get her chicken nuggets if she doesn’t like them?! Happy Meals also do burgers, cheeseburgers, or fish fingers instead (tbf you usually have to wait a few mins for the fish fingers but burgers are always ready.)

(not that I’ve eaten far too much McDonalds or anything!)

He wanted to try her again with them. I said she probably won't eat the nuggets. He said "I'll try". I was too tired to argue so just said ok. And as predicted she just ate the chips.

[R0ckets]

@justsobloodytired

@R0ckets

I take your point that he was doing the same in reverse. It still doesn't sit comfortably with me for her not to get a proper meal until much later. But I do see your point.

It not sitting comfortably with you is just daft though and does come across as my way or no way. It's the same amount of food eaten in a different order and she's likely to feel filler eating the tea later so may sleep better. Your reasoning makes no sense in this regard.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

Sorry, yes you are.

[angelikacpickles]

@justsobloodytired

@R0ckets

I take your point that he was doing the same in reverse. It still doesn't sit comfortably with me for her not to get a proper meal until much later. But I do see your point.

But 4pm is extremely early for a child to be eating their evening meal anyway. I mean, if it suits you and her, then great, but 5.30 is not at all late to be having a "proper meal". If she'd had a snack and wasn't hungry then I think you need to let it go.

[justsobloodytired]

@Kitcaterpillar

The answer I got to that was that he was enjoying playing with her as he had missed her. When he said that I felt guilty for feeling annoyed as I know he does miss her, but at the same time she still needs her tea on time

Why does she need her tea on time? Who is this routine important to - you or your toddler? They were having a nice time, she was safe and cared for. Toddlers are rarely slow to mention if they're hungry.

It's unfair to call him lazy for the McDonald's too. You didn't leave him many options on that.

My husband works away a lot and I'm the default parent. When he's home, I think they watch too much TV and eat too many biscuits together. But it's not my business to manage his parenting.

If it's not, for example, leading to her being awake for 4 hours every night, you need to let it go.

Not lazy for the McDonald's whilst out and about. Lazy for not planning and making a proper tea at an earlier point in the day, which would have avoided me even asking him to give her tea whilst out.

[justsobloodytired]

@angelikacpickles

It might seem extremely early to some, but she's not even 2 years old yet and it's the time the nursery give the babies and toddlers their tea, and it's always worked for us. She has lunch early around 11.30-12, so she tends to be hungry and ready for her tea by 4pm ish.