Graduate DD not qualifying for job seekers. The buck stops with us

[drivinmecrazy]

DD1 graduated this summer and moved home to us in October.
Since then she's been applying for entry level jobs in publishing and copywriting in London.
We live in a rural town with limited employment opportunities, for which we feel really guilty for, but that's another story.
We agreed to give her until the new year to focus fully on finding the ideal position before we expected her to apply for local jobs which would tide her over.
Since then she's applied for job seekers allowance. Found out today she does not qualify because doesn't have enough NI contributions.
She's certainly not work shy, she supported herself largely through uni and spent time from graduation until she me of September working full time at her uni job so was paying NI and tax.
Now she's home it falls to us to support her. She has dwindling savings so has enough for her socialising and we obviously don't charge her for board and lodgings.
But at 22yo surely she should be treated by the state as independent.
What if we didn't have the means to support her at home?
TBH I was hoping she'd qualify for the £200 odd per month for job seekers so she might be able to contribute £20 a week to the household, which would obviously not come close to what she is 'costing' us , but might give her some self worth.
We are fortunate we can accommodate her but it's a hefty weight for us to carry with the cost of living etc.

We have never claimed anything as a family but surely as an independent 22yo woman she should have some autonomy.

I realise probably shouldn't have put this in aibu cos I know I am, but where do our parental responsibilities stop?

She has obviously started applying for local jobs in what she has experience of and her cv is fortunately full of work experience so shouldn't take long.

But I guess my real AIBU is what would happen if we could not or would not cover her living costs

There are other benefits to taking on jobs as teens. Not just work ethic. Helps enormously with confidence, teaches you you are not the centre of anyone else’s universe, if it involves customer service you have to learn very quickly how to deal with difficult people (see impact on confidence), and introduces you to people of a wide age range who become your colleagues - very different from school. For some kids meeting others from different backgrounds is also a bonus (depends how socially mixed their current friendship group is).

Having a flushing toilet is a luxury to some too but I bet you’d still complain about it if yours stopped working? People at every section and level of society have issues and it is massively disappointing that there are still people out there actively trying to humiliate people for not being in a dire straights. If you have no empathy for anyone other than whom you consider to be worthy, need to say and do things like this, you’re actively contributing to the problem. I have the luxury of claiming pip whilst working. I claim it because I couldn’t possibly afford to get the support I need to work and live independently because it costs a lot more to live severely disabled than it does if you don’t have a disability. I guess being born disabled was let me guess… a luxury too? I’m actually disgusted with some of the attitudes on this thread. Plenty of people to blame for current state of affairs and a recent graduate isn’t one of them, and a parent asking for advice isn’t one of them. Maybe go and use all this vitriol for something good like telling the MPs claiming expenses back to heat their stables to go and get a job? . May you have the day you deserve.

I think all women benefit in many ways from earning their own money which gives them financial independence (especially as 4/10 marriages and partnerships end in divorce. ) and self-esteem.

You, as a single parent, will appreciate that whether you have chosen to go it alone, or your relationship didn't work out.

I believe that it benefits women and their families hugely for all sorts of reasons if they work, but not to the point where they are stressed and feel torn in every direction. Part time works well for some women.

I hope this answers your question.

Going back to the OP, the actual point of my posts was not so much, or only, that she doesn't work and hasn't for decades , but that she was not giving great advice (especially re. the career her DD is looking into) and she painted a picture of family poverty which is untrue.

@Flexigurl No one has said that people who are disabled should not claim benefits. You are misreading. Most people have said the precise opposite and that the money in the benefits pot is for people like you, not fit young women who can't find a job of some sort.

Agreed, I’ve rejected any example I was given as a kid and gone my own way, and made a lot of mistakes. I see these would be considered luxuries even if a few almost killed me and left me with long term issues and requiring morphine to walk let alone work. The joke is anyone working a min wage job would be able to claim UC to some extent anyway, and depending on your end goals, taking any old job will absolutely not be helpful. It also ignores the fact that not everyone has the physical and mental abilities required to do “any old job” even before I knew what was wrong with me, I was forced into some very hard physical jobs. both knees gone, chronic staph infection from being refused access to gloves whilst dealing with an infected patients in continence pads, wrists gone from dislocating repeatedly trying to lift people. The long term effects of being forced into a job I wasn’t physically capable of or mentally stable enough for are long lasting. I tried to claim job seekers once. Got shouted at a bit like the OP is about not taking a cleaning job despite the fact I use crutches to walk and have severe chemical intolerance. So I’m afraid my tolerance of bullies is absolutely gone. Sometimes I think parents advocating these harsh lessons for kids don’t realise people like me are an example of where that leads. Ruined body and mind only capable of supporting myself through medication and a lot of paid helpers yes I have a dream job, but I work double the hours most people do and am going to be dead before retirement. Oh also rocky relationship with the parents. Maybe I’m an extreme example of what can go wrong but some of the advice on here would absolutely put you at risk of having a me as a child

AIBUYESYES where have I 'painted a picture of family poverty ' ?

No what you’ve done is shaming someone who is entitled to claim for even dating to think about it. You’ve shamed someone with a different life from you for not working, forcing them to disclose personal details about their mental health to defend themselves, and you’ve been a bully. Half the advice on this thread about publishing is a decade out of date, a lot of the job advice too and the tone of it? I’m actually disgusted. You should have had a career in politics, you were clearly born for it. Am out

I'm sorry this thread has proved so decisive. I guess that's the nature of AUBU and I posted it to get views from all sides.
While I don't agree with everything AIBUYESYES has posted I don't think they deserve to be labelled a bully.
I do however regret feeling as if I were baited into giving more personal details than I would have liked. But maybe that's my thin skin when I've felt the need to defend myself from, what I thought, was a fairy benign thread.
Lesson learnt I guess

I think the OP has had some very harsh comments here. She was only posting her initial thoughts. If you’ve never claimed any benefits before, it might seem straightforward or you might think you are entitled to this, that or the other, when you actually aren’t, for a variety of reasons.

I’m in a similar position- I enquired as to whether I could claim anything, as I’m terminally ill, but I’m not entitled to anything at all. I was equally surprised that I wasn’t entitled to a penny.

You made it clear that a £20 input from your DD (on UC or working) would make a difference.

For most people who said that £20 would make a difference, we'd assume they were hard up.

You're not working -as you disclosed a long way through your thread- so you have presumably made that a lifestyle choice.

@Sublimeursula If you want to fantasise over what I might or might not say to my DD that's up to you. You aren't going to get far making stuff up.
My DD is a lot older than the OP's daughter and she makes her own choices.

@Flexigurl Maybe you ought to read all the other posts before wading in and singling me out. If you think my posts are harsh, try reading the others! You are completely wrong and I have made it very clear how I feel about who deserves benefits- people like you. So don't call me a bully as it's not deserved and you are coming over as one yourself, ranting away at me,

@drivinmecrazy

Benefits are there to support us at times in need. When first graduating many young people do need to claim for a short period, whilst claiming the job centre does provide support with cv writing, applications, courses to be work ready etc, it's not just about the small amount a young person living at home can claim (especially if they use that money to travel to interviews, buy a suitable outfit etc)

She's been turned down for benefits due to having savings. She can use those first if she can't find a job.

It is a luxury.

PLenty of people have no option but to work regardless of physical and mental health struggles. You don't have to do that because you are fortunate the man you rely on pays for everything and earns enough to do so.

That IS a luxury.

You live and have lived a life of privilege to an embarrassing level considering the topic of the thread. Great that you didn't have to work, that your parents and husband pay for you, great that you got that time at home with your children, great that your physical and mental health issues were met with support.

For many (not me by the way ,despite growing up in poverty I am very fortunate now in having a career and supportive husband) that is not the case and so your attempt to complain at your privileged child not being entitled to benefits (which she is entitled to and she either has more savings than you're aware of or never applied because she's spoilt by you) is a bit embarrassingly offensive to most

@Forgooodnesssakenow
her dd has been turned down as she hasnt built up NI
not because she has savings.

A point that was made earlier on, but not really picked up on, is that if you claim UC you will be required to attend regular meetings with someone at the Job Centre. Their aim is to get you in work as soon as possible. Your DD would be asked what she was doing to find work, asked to provide proof of applying for a certain number of jobs a week and generally asked to explain why she hadn't got a job yet. She would be expected to apply for anything and everything up 90 minutes travel time away. She won't be given the luxury of picking and choosing between jobs or taking time to work on other things like her photography. And if she doesn't precisely follow the rules, even if she thinks they are petty, she will be sanctioned. It's a pretty soul destroying activity and, unless your DD really needs the money (which she doesn't), I would really urge you not to put her through it.