Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

[Feliciacat]

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

that I’d been over sensitive

Why are you even for one moment considering having the person to stay for one height, never mind an extended period of time. Please, in the kindest possible way, catch yourself on.

Focus on the things that enrich your life. If that is too much of a stretch, allow yourself to do one favour for this person per annum. Make it clear that that is their lot.

If you find yourself offering more, remind yourself of my words. I promise that once you get the hang of this, your life will be so.much.better.

YANBU.

I take it the CF's not in his dotage, he can stay in his own home and bum it up and down the stairs to the loo. AND/OR keep a pee bucket downstairs.

OP, I think you've done SO well here. You have really started to sort through the issues and plan a clear, emotionally-healthier path ahead for yourself. You have been your own hero

If you see then in person and the comment, smile gently and say , "i am glad you have managed to get some help.!"
Just keep being polite and do not bite,

They both sound horrible. I’m glad you’re sticking up for yourself. I still think you’re being too nice. But it’s a start. You and your dp should remove yourselves from the group and block them. They’re parasites.

This and all the other good replies posters have suggested.
If you feel pressure just keep in mind he just wants to use your toilet because you have no stairs to get there. That’s so shitty of him. If it wasn’t for this I bet he wouldn’t have contacted you. He’s no friend and neither is his gf.

Off you fuck would be my reply. Or say it’s an expensive setter and you don’t want anyones sweaty body on it.

This!! How much nerve do some ppl actually have. Definitely say no and move on.

To me this sounds like a one sided friendship. You sound like you go above and beyond to help this person. And they just sound like a user tbh. I wouldn't consider this a friendship and I personally would drop them as a friend. I wouldn't keep a relationship there at all anymore. What do YOU gain from this relationship? I very much believe in only having people in my life that add value to my life, bring positivity and support, care and love me (just as much as i for them). I don't understand how there are people that ask so much of others, there are always ways to just do things yourself. Good luck in your decisions.

You’re a nicer person than me. I would have just ignored the message. You won’t be the only one who got that load of tripe.
I hope this helps you balance out your friendships more.
The likining to family is used by manipulative people to make others feel beholden to them for no other reason than ‘family’. I love my family but no way would any of them spend six weeks on my sofa if they had a partner to help them!

Oh it’s a very No from me. Just say I’m sorry I absolutely can’t, it’s not going to work. You don’t have to give any other reason.

Please take the word "try" out of this as that gives you an opt out. Just do it 🙂

NO! NO! Just hell no!
He is not your friend!
Let his girlfriend and his rude friend take care of him.
You have done enough!

YANBU X

He needs a more suitable flat for starters.

Isn't it amazing how some people have the absolute nerve to impose themselves on people like this person is. I would be mortified to have to ask. OK in an emergency and plenty would help me out, family would help too. But long term like this, I just couldn't do it. These people must have skin like a rhinocerous.

I'm delighted you have stood your ground OP. It gets easier when you do it once.

Get yourself out of this friendship. Its one sided and they use you till the cows come home. Don’t feel bad about saying No to them. Please end this friendship before it destroys you.

OP well done for standing up for yourself. Don't worry that he doesn't reply. That's just a form of control anyway. Good luck with starting your family - you will realise just how much you don't give a fuck about this person when you have a little one to look after x

Friend? I don't think so!

Friend? I don't think so!

Family? BS
He has a girlfriend. She's the one he should be asking.
Use the MN phrase "No, that doesn't work for me" and repeat.

Just say NO. Explain that you couldn’t give him the care he requires and he would be better in an place where there are people coming and going during the day. Offer other types of help ie stuff you can do, like cook him a meal, clean his house etc.

Brilliant response! I'd send him this and simply say, "no you can't stay here". No need to give a reason (don't give him something to use to argue about).

If he pushes back (likely) I'd add "I don't want someone in my house who has ignored me for 2 months and only gets in contact when they want to use me. The answer remains "no" and don't ask again."

Or you could just ignore this like he has ignored you and block his number. He's not a friend. He's not even offering to pay towards bills, food and wear and tear to your sofa! His partner can look after him like in a normal relationship. It is telling that he doesn't get on with his family - maybe they've had enough of him?

Thanks so much guys! In terms of what he gives me, he does buy lots of food for me when we’re together. I always offer money and he says no. He buys me lots of McDonalds and beer which I don’t always want. I feel like he’d say he’d spent a lot of money on me so how could I leave him. He hasn’t said that yet but thinking about the answer to what he’s given me; that’s what.

Additional update is that my partner and I spoke to some mutual friends and they said that they’d stopped really speaking to them due to behaviour like this and that they were glad for me that I’d stopped putting up with it. It felt very validating.

He has a partner who won't look after him at this time? Major red flag that!.
YANBU .... I wouldn't have him stay..hard enough when it's a good friend but he's not even that!

Well done for saying no. You know yourself that it wouldn’t only be having his sweaty body on the sofa all night but most likely all day too.
You also know that you’d be expected to be his personal maid as long as he was there as well as you trying to cope with work and other things you need to do and you’d never have time to relax. He’d probably take over the tv remote as well.
Does he only mention being family when he needs something from you? I suspect he does doesn’t he?
I agree with what some of the other posters have said about him getting a commode and getting his gf to empty it.
You’ve made the first step in being assertive and sticking up for yourself by not letting yourself remain a doormat for the rest of your life.
It feels good doesn’t it?