Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

[Feliciacat]

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

This is a very easy choice especially given the background. Don't let him stay he has other options (partner, friend who was nasty, etc)..... expect a bit of flack from them but it's the right thing to do if it gets too irritating block until at least after your course stress.

That's my view anyway
Good Luck

This ...this..this

That's it. Be a strong independent woman, & tell him no.

Then be even stronger. The kind of strength it takes to be a housework skivvy to an abusive arsehole. That'll show him you're not to be messed with. 🙄

Stop worrying about how he is going to interrogate you & demand service, & start realising that when he does - you don't owe him a response.

So either just don't respond - or better yet, just block the twat now.
Then you never need to fend off his rudeness & entitlement again.

Just to say, if he lived alone and couldn't mobilise to toilet or food or drinks and had no one to help him, he could contact his local Social care team for assessment as they could would sort out a care package if he required it (met care act criteria)

They'd assess and he'd pay towards his care. He's already getting some type of disability benefits (DLA or pip). So he probably knows this. I

If he was a very good friend then I might consider it. However, his attitude towards you being upset by his friend's very rude and insensitive remark - calling YOU "over sensitive" - would not make me feel bad about refusing his request. As for his partner implying that you are "bitchy", that is just horrible. Just say it would be too difficult, given that there is no bedroom to accommodate him, you are both busy, and sleeping on the couch would be most inconvenient.

Saying you are like family is a sneaky way of pressuring you to do what he wants. He'd better find someone else to be at his beck and call.

We actually do have a spare bedroom with an ensuite. I just feel like he would need far more care than he is implying he would need. Plus I had been feeling bad since the incident two months ago and had been considering letting the friendship fade anyway.

It really annoys me that suddenly I am good enough to contact now that he needs something. They still haven’t replied to my last message; they’re probably fuming about me being ‘selfish’. I’m terribly sorry about his ankle and really hope it heals as quickly and well as possible. Not sure our friendship will!

YANBU
"No, apologies this won't suit us
I am around for anything else/errands "

surely his gf can have him?!

They live together! So yes you would think so! I’m almost wondering if she maybe wanted to be able to share his care with us as she’d find it too stressful. I think they should get help from her family though.

Oh my word , he knows how to manipulate doesn’t he ?
Cut all ties with this nasty CF ( seems like other people are doing so already )
Best of luck going forward with your own family plans .

He's been ignoring your messages, time to return the favour, ignore him and block. He's no friend he's just a user.

You're kidding right?
He DOESNT LIVE ALONE??!!

Absolutely zero reason to ask you to have him move in!!
It's he and his gf who are selfish, his gf can arrange a commode which she can empty and she can help her live in partner, as errrrr, she's there, rather than be lazy and attempt to farm him off to someone mug to look after
Jeez you couldn't believe the entitlement would get worse.

No in sickness and I health with this couple..

Another one saying block now. And stop caring what they think!

Additional update is that my partner and I spoke to some mutual friends and they said that they’d stopped really speaking to them due to behaviour like this and that they were glad for me that I’d stopped putting up with it. It felt very validating
This tells you everything you need to know. He’ll only get the message when you put a stop to him trying to take advantage of you.

Hard NO - no explanation needed!

Well done! You stood up to them.
Now just leave the WhatsApp group then delete it. Clear out the rubbish.

This 1 billion % 👏👏👏👏

If it was a dear friend who reciprocated favours then I would help of course but this guy sounds like a user. His gf can look after him surely, get a mobile chemical toilet. There may also be somewhere funded he could stay if he pleaded or have his home modified if on disability and even assistance with hygiene. I'm so soft but have learnt to try to say no more if being used.

Fuck, no - why are you even considering it? I'd cut them loose permanently anyway, regardless of this current piss-take!

My boyfriend said he couldn’t stay because it’d be bad for his body to sleep on a sofa.
STOP JUSTIFYING YOURSELVES/YOUR BEHAVIOUR.
That sentence should read: My boyfriend said he couldn't stay.
End of.
You don't need to give a reason for any decision you make, certainly not if one is being demanded. 'You can't stay.' IS a complete answer. No reason required.

I bet they’ll go cold on me and bitch about me tbh.
So? And what would they even say? How you wouldn't let them stay because you don't want them to? Oh, how awful.😭
Honestly, all anyone else will hear is that you're an adult busily getting on with your own life.
Tbh, let them bitch and go cold on you - what a remarkably easy way to solve the problem!

Lessons to be learned here:

1. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. Ever.
2. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel whenever you feel it. Oh, and 'oversensitive' is an abuser's tag line.
3. Stop caring about what others say about you, especially abusers!

(My friend has just added this thought for you: why does he get to be the dick, but you don't?) Be the dick my (MN) friend, be the dick! 😁

I’m really feeling that! I don’t care if I’m a dick, at least I get to be free!

Definetely wouldnt let him stay, added complications if he wants partner and the said friend to come over to keep him company, you will find yourself hiding out upstairs in your own house, I know because its happened to me.
Just wish I could take my own advise, I always seem to cave then regret and feel really weal for giving in again, try to put yourself and partner first.

I was going to say tell him you're far too busy TTC

🤣🤣🤣 I’d be more explicit and say that “We’re using all the furniture as we’re TCC.” He’ll never want to eat off your table again. 🤣

😂😂😂