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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

333 replies

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 00:45

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 25/01/2023 11:04

Any bloke on the street could say he’s my family, doesn’t mean I owe him anything. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Alondra · 25/01/2023 11:08

I have no problems offering a couch to a friend for a few weeks, I've had friends staying with me 3 months because they needed a roof to stay on while selling their house and buying another one. Yes, it was inconvenient but they were friends.

The issue from your OP is that you no longer think of them as friends. They've hurt your feelings, taken you for granted and ignored you.

Just say no. Tell them you have no space, can't offer lifts or care but will help them find the place they need (which usually means nothing, except lovely words)

MrsMontyD · 25/01/2023 11:10

I've thankfully reached an age (and unfortunately been through enough shit) that I just don't do things I don't want to do any more (exceptions being DD (DP to a lesser extent ) and work)

I wouldn't even consider allowing that level of intrusion into my home night in an emergency is different.

It's a bizarre request.

mamabear715 · 25/01/2023 11:10

WTAF? NO!!

euff · 25/01/2023 11:29

Well done for saying no. I still think you were way too nice in your response. You don't need to be running about doing lifts and shopping etc. he had a girlfriend, a family and other friends he's probably been in touch with over the last couple of months including the hit who was horrible to you. I agree with pp's that this guy is no friend he is simply a user. I guarantee if the situation were reversed he'd tell you to jog on.

euff · 25/01/2023 11:29
  • git not hit
Original poster
Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 11:34

Him and his girlfriend have seen the message but haven’t replied. This is what they did when I was upset about that friend at the party; they didn’t talk to me for three weeks then they raised the topic with me in person and said they weren’t going to let me not see their friend as they liked when everyone was together. His girlfriend then said I was acting like a really mean girl she’d known in the past.

The friendship was over long ago I think; I’m just convenient to them. If I’m starting a family then I need to look after me and mine. I’m not losing anything.

OP posts:
LovelyDaaling · 25/01/2023 11:36

Well done Feliciacat. You have asserted yourself and see how good it feels? The first time is the hardest, don't ever be afraid to decline him again.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2023 11:36

Just block them already.

Back2Back2t · 25/01/2023 11:43

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2023 11:36

Just block them already.

yes

Tamarindtree · 25/01/2023 11:45

Well done op.

You have asserted yourself and they won’t like that as they see you as a door mat.

It’s a weight off your shoulders to let go and sever any ties with them.

They are not genuine friends, I would take the next step and block them on everything in case they decide to be abusive towards you.

OnMyWayToSenility · 25/01/2023 11:52

Personally I wouldn't even reply to his message and block him

I'd be very happy if you never saw this person again!

TheMerryWidow1 · 25/01/2023 11:54

just the thought of him sweating all over my sofa is enough to put me off. Well done OP for standing up for yourself. I also wonder if you would have been offered any money for food and bills!

LAMPS1 · 25/01/2023 11:59

Well done OP. You have done the right thing to get your values clear and in good order ready for your future family. All credit to you for that. Good luck !

ItsaMetalBand · 25/01/2023 12:06

Going silent is a tactic which would typically compel someone to backtrack to avoid losing the friendship.
As you've seen, they are no friends of yours - and certainly not family. My family would have taken the head off anyone who made cruel comments to me when I was TTC /had miscarried. That's what family do. So they failed at the first 'family' test.

ButterCrackers · 25/01/2023 12:22

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 11:34

Him and his girlfriend have seen the message but haven’t replied. This is what they did when I was upset about that friend at the party; they didn’t talk to me for three weeks then they raised the topic with me in person and said they weren’t going to let me not see their friend as they liked when everyone was together. His girlfriend then said I was acting like a really mean girl she’d known in the past.

The friendship was over long ago I think; I’m just convenient to them. If I’m starting a family then I need to look after me and mine. I’m not losing anything.

Just add in that you and partner are leaving the WhatsApp group

ButterCrackers · 25/01/2023 12:24

ButterCrackers · 25/01/2023 12:22

Just add in that you and partner are leaving the WhatsApp group

Show quote history

To change what I wrote - both you and your partner should leave the group. You don’t need to say although it will show up on WhatsApp. Block their phone number too so that you avoid them contacting you.

BreadInCaptivity · 25/01/2023 12:25

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 11:34

Him and his girlfriend have seen the message but haven’t replied. This is what they did when I was upset about that friend at the party; they didn’t talk to me for three weeks then they raised the topic with me in person and said they weren’t going to let me not see their friend as they liked when everyone was together. His girlfriend then said I was acting like a really mean girl she’d known in the past.

The friendship was over long ago I think; I’m just convenient to them. If I’m starting a family then I need to look after me and mine. I’m not losing anything.

Entirely predictable.

Tbh you already know he wants more than a couch for a few weeks.

That's just the "in" to have you feed him, do his laundry, be his taxi and personal nurse for a month or more.

The request was a piss take from the off.

Delete you and your BF from the group and don't think twice about it.

They certainly don't care about ignoring you for weeks until the next big "ask".

You'll feel much better when you take action to just remove all ties to these people.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/01/2023 12:29

Fraaahnces · 25/01/2023 01:23

”No. You are only polite to me when you need my services. You only contact me when you want something. Apart from that you are rude and downright cruel. Go and invade the boundaries of someone you respect instead.”

This. It would be the hardest no in the book from me.

LetUsBeBonbons · 25/01/2023 12:33

These people sound horrendous. Get rid now.

Please don't offer any more help 'in the evenings' this is not what friends expected of each other, family maybe but not friends. Do not give an inch with the absolute CFs. Do not let him stay even for a night, ghost them.

Marvelfanfav · 25/01/2023 12:49

Well done OP. I would ignore any future messages. It's time to cut that 'friendship' loose.

MeridianB · 25/01/2023 12:54

Sorry to sound harsh, OP, but as Elsa said, it's time to 'let it go'.

You must be a good person to still be caring after the lack of friendship he's shown you for so long. There is nothing to save because he is not your friend.

Leave the Whatsapp group and stick to 'can't help' if he follows up.

Mostly, move on, without a backwards glance, away from him and his nonsense.

Tiani4 · 25/01/2023 14:37

@Feliciacat

You did well to say no
And not get dragged into becoming his personal servant /hotel/ full time carer when it suits them

Please take note that they haven't replied and be wary that as you offered to help again (whhhhyyyy?) evenings and weekends that they may try to overuse this

If you feel the friendship is one sided and that they use you, and don't actually care about your needs, your wishes and it's all very one sided taking from them, then take a stance and be unavailable

I always love to ignore a text from user acquaintances and reply 4 days - a week later with an "sorry, busy, didn't see your text, hope you got it sorted" (It works for so many situations and favours that you don't want to get drawn into ) Then I leave any reply from them on unread for another week Grin and if it was another favour request I respond similarly with "oh dear, hope you got it sorted. Good luck" or "I'll come back to you and let you know if I can, next few weeks are so busy ..."

I can do this all day Grin

It prevents anyone saying I'm 'not helpful' or 'kind ' but also means I'm unreliable and unavailable for those I spotted are users who would take take and never be as kind themselves nor put themselves out as they'd expect of me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/01/2023 14:38

The friendship was over long ago I think; I’m just convenient to them. If I’m starting a family then I need to look after me and mine. I’m not losing anything.

Write this out and stick it on your fridge.

Tiani4 · 25/01/2023 14:45

His girlfriend then said I was acting like a really mean girl she’d known in the past.

The friendship was over long ago I think; I’m just convenient to them. If I’m starting a family then I need to look after me and mine. I’m not losing anything.

Well that tells me not only is his gf a bit of a b**ch gaslighting you for being distressed at cruel comments by their friend who cornered you, but also meh you know they see you as convenient to use when it suits them and also that was a Ridiculously entitled ask for you to let him stay at yours!!! He's got his own place and his own gf!
^
You're right to focus on your own family. Once you become a parent your BS radar for users^ fires off quickly !!