Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

[Feliciacat]

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

They are users, clearly. Give them a wide birth or tell them to fuck off.

It’s true that it does give the wrong message compared to how I actually feel. I just had already offered to bring the present round before the sofa thing. I didn’t know how to get out of it so I figured I’d just do it and then continue with my strong boundaries and low contact. They usually make me and my partner stay for hours and hang out with them but we’re planning to just drop over and leave very quickly.

They’ve both been suicidal before so I thought that cancelling giving the present would be too much. I do intend to carry on with the better boundaries and I can’t possibly get sucked back in when I’ve lost my trust in them now. That was why I did things for them; I thought we were like family. It wasn’t an ego thing though I can see why it might look like that. I just wanted unconditional love in my life. I don’t have that with them though and I don’t forgive people easily. So I won’t get sucked back in.

Taking a gift round to them whilst at the same time ‘not being too friendly’ is playing games with them OP which is exactly the sort of thing they would do to you and you would complain about. You are encouraging them if you do that - not maintaining boundaries at all. Please stop fooling yourself.
Your comment about them ‘making you stay’ shows just how coercive they are and just how weak you are against their control over you.
You are very foolish if you get back into this relationship by taking a gift around.
You made a stand and said no. Well done. Making up to them with a gift for having said no is really stupid and they will see right through you.
Stay right away from them now if you are serious about this….it really isn’t a game you should be playing.

Make up an excuse any excuse - something that's clearly at your discretion (you had to work / study), and get your partner to drop the gift.
They would do it to you.

Remember they can't bully you if you're not there, but they definitely will if you go.

Just don’t bring the present. Keep it for someone deserving of your time, attention and money. (Ie, someone who gives a shit about your feelings.) If you absolutely MUST, post the damn thing with a card that simply says “Happy Birthday X, from @Feliciacat“

Also, if you need to cancel - “Something’s come up. Can’t come after all. So sorry. X”

Turn off phone.
You don’t owe anyone any explanations ever.

If you do drop the present round, have an appointment at the doctors you are booked in for 15mins later so you have to leave and stick to it

Although I think you shouldn’t go. You aren’t responsible for their mental health, as much as they tell you other wise. You sound lovely but they won’t commit suicide based on your actions or inactions,

Yeah I definitely think I won’t stay very long. They do both tell me a lot about their mental health issues including feeling suicidal and having had breakdowns. Reflecting on it, that’s probably also a control tactic. I’m fading them rather than ghosting them because I do feel a bit responsible for their mental health as they’re always laying it on thick and saying that my partner and I are the only people who they can be themselves around. It has never actually made me feel good, I felt very pressured by them saying that.

Whenever they have events, my partner and I are the only ones who turn up at the start and leave at the end. I can see that they wouldn’t have many friends if we weren’t their friends anymore. I mean, as established, they’re not friends to me so it’s not a friendship. It’s probably enabling them to not change and to keep being toxic if I keep letting them think I’m their friend when they treat me like this. It’s too late to not go round with the present and I don’t want her to feel like shit on her birthday so I will go round but not stay long.

Hopefully if I stop validating them, they will reflect on their behaviour and change. They’re both very overweight, never go anywhere (both work from home and never see coworkers in person), all they do is eat takeaway and do weed. It’s not a healthy lifestyle for me when I’m with them. By accepting them as they are, I’m doing more harm than good. I hope they can change and that they don’t spiral over me not being their friend anymore. It’s not my responsibility though.

Oh my god LISTEN TO YOURSELF!!!
”I FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR MENTAL HEALTH…”
WHY? HOW?
They are responsible for their own mental health. They are using it to manipulate you.
THEY HAVE NO REAL FRIENDS BUT ME.
You don’t even really like them. You seem to resent them a lot. (Not at all unreasonable, but you allow yourself to get sucked in every single time.)
They buy you Mc Donald’s that you don’t want and then you feel obligated to them. (No is a complete sentence.)
No wonder they walk all over you. You keep going back for more. Just stop!!!

You do sound over sensitive (you cried every day for a week?!) but he sounds like a prat and YWNBU to tell him to jog on

It is about your ego.

You have inserted yourself in their issues because you wanted unconditional love, ...whatever that is🙄...........from two nasty users that don't actually like you but use you.

They see you as a mug that will fall for their manipulative lines.

You don't feel good about them but your ego sucks you back in for more drama from them.

Crying for a week? What age are you?

Such drama and you want to have a baby?

Get yourself some therapy to figure out what your issues are and work hard on them, and control your ego that has you crying for a week about such losers.

Babys and children need stability, not parents who like to spend their energy perceiving themselves needed by a couple of wasters on weed.

Forget about them and start fixing yourself.

Pick up a hobby/sport too, that will keep you too busy to spend time with loser users.

Good luck.

I know myself better than some people on the internet do. My mother said she wished I was never born and that I shouldn’t have children because it would ruin my life as she wished she hadn’t had any. I didn’t cry about these ‘friends’ I was upset because, in the face of my own mother being so awful about me having kids, I was also being told I was too old and would doubtless have a miscarriage.

If you know yourself better than anyone, then you should know that you need to protect yourself from user/ losers.

Don't mind them or your mother, they don't know anything about parenting.

If you want a baby you need to mind yourself.
Eat well and try and control your stress levels.
Get out for long walks to up your serotonin.

Being around user/losers only elevates stress and these are not people you want in your future sucking the life from you.

People like that try and make you feel like only you can help them.

The truth is users move on quickly to the next mug very quickly.

Exactly. But telling me I shouldn’t be a mother is a bit much when you misread my post and thought I was crying over them when it was the miscarriage comment.

If you must give present POST IT.. doesn't matter if it is a day late you can text its on its way. They may not even remember you said that. Doesn't sound like they listen to what you say anyway. Send an Ecard and move on.

Your boundaries are so thin and so new that you will just get guilt-tripped and manipulated into doing what they want all over again.
Even worse if they have other people there to witness it, because, and I say this gently - you are over concerned about being "nice" even when its to your own detriment.
Why would you voluntarily put yourself in such a difficult situation?
You are doing this because they have made you afraid they will commit suicide? Who wants to make people afraid like that. Its emotional blackmail and it's worked so well for them in the past they are unlikely to give up now. Your friend had plenty of other options and people he could ask for help, including his own girlfriend and her family. You are not his family just because he keeps saying that.

You said you wanted to end this "friendship" - then it's not honest to go there and give them birthday wishes and presents and then end the friendship. Its not helpful to either side.
You have decided to end the friendship, so end it.
End their constant reliance on you when they make you feel so bad about yourself.
Go out for an evening with your BF instead and promise yourself not to discuss them that evening.

Hopefully if I stop validating them, they will reflect on their behaviour and change.

This will never happen. They are adults who need to take some responsibility for their lives and behaviours. This is going to be harder if they both have serious mental health problems and spend a lot of time smoking weed.

Tell him you aren't going to accommodate this, and if he complains tell him he's being overly sensitive.

if they spend a lot of time smoking weed where will he be smoking it if he’s at yours?
Surely not inside, and if he’s smoking it outside you risk being reported by your neighbours and may even be raided.
Seriously think about what you’re doing!

All very good points. He is not staying on my sofa and I have now seen him and he did not push it. He is getting ambulance transport to the hospital and has had occupational therapy support for round the house (handles around the toilet etc). This is probably much better than staying at mine anyway! There’s no way we could have accommodated him with his injury being so bad. Plus he didn’t treat me well either. Thanks all.

Glad to hear it Feliciacat.
It makes more sense to adapt their place to his needs.
You can relax now and back off from this one sided “friendship!”

From the way you've written this, it's obvious you're still too involved in their lives. I know it's hard, but from the outside looking in (from what you've told us), they are 100% users and have been taking advantage of your good nature - you need to cut these people out of your life. He pulls on your heart strings by saying you're like family. You are not responsible for their own well being and self care. I wish you all the best and hope you stop letting them draw you in

Thank you. I actually reinforced the fact that I was going through a lot right now and have made no further plans to see them. I can see them very clearly for who they are now. They were not interested in what I was going through (very stressed at work, worried about my course and worried about ttc) and spoke about themselves the whole time. A thing I picked up on is that the friend spent a while talking about how great he was and that he was very empathetic and kind…whilst not probing when I was really shattered and had said I had a lot on! They are in my extended circle so ghosting isn’t really possible. However, it seems that a few other people think the same as I do so I wonder how long they will even be on the scene.

@Feliciacat
Glad to hear you're feeling more in control of your time, your head space and what you want to do

They usually make me and my partner stay for hours and hang out with them but we’re planning to just drop over and leave very quickly.

This part is easy to resolve though, practice before you do round if you do decide to
Any of these will do ...
"Can't stop/we've only 10 mins, we've things to do"
"Right, must go now "
"Sorry to interrupt, but this is a flying visits.. we've got to head off"
Don't take your shoes off or put your bags down hoover and head to the door repeating "lovely to see you , but we've got to go.."

Hehe auto incorrect
Definitely don't hoover I meant hover