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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

333 replies

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 00:45

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 05/02/2023 15:11

The irony of this
the friend spent a while talking about how great he was and that he was very empathetic and kind

People that have to tell you this about themselves are invariably the ones that aren't those things. Bc if they were others would have spotted that about them

Why would you have to tell people who know you well that you're 'empathetic' or 'kind'??!! Your actions would speak for themselves if you were

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/02/2023 15:26

Being a very cynical person from experience, does he have social housing at all?

It's possible it was an attempt to game the housing system 'I'm so disabled, I can't manage at my flat, so I'm sleeping on a friend's sofa and I'm now legally homeless because I can't access the toilet or move around at all'. Which also means it would be for far longer than 21 days.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 05/02/2023 16:46

That’s a good thought but he is not in social housing; I think he just gets off on thinking that I love him enough to do anything for him. It’s time to spend the energy I spend on others on me. Feels good so far!

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 05/02/2023 17:05

@Feliciacat

It’s time to spend the energy I spend on others on me. Feels good so far!

Hurrah! 🌹

CantGetDecentNickname · 06/02/2023 18:31

you said "I can see them very clearly for who they are now. They were not interested in what I was going through (very stressed at work, worried about my course and worried about ttc) and spoke about themselves the whole time."

Good. Glad you are seeing them for what they are. Never go back!

quinceh · 06/02/2023 18:36

"Sorry I'm afraid we can't. Hope you find somewhere you can stay and get well soon."

Original poster
Feliciacat · 09/03/2023 12:17

Ok. Update! This guy (with the bad ankle) asked in our WhatsApp group if we could come over to deep clean the entire house (including oven cleaning) because his girlfriend was having to do it all. I cannot believe this! It’s normal to sometimes have to do all the housework cos your partner can’t. I think the issue is that he usually does all the housework so it’s not getting done now as his girlfriend is too depressed. I don’t see why this is our problem though?

One of his friends in this WhatsApp group (not the one I’ve mentioned who was mean at the party) said that he couldn’t help but that he thought it was ‘brave and inspirational’ that he’d asked for help and that he was pleased that some friends in the WhatsApp group were ‘the kind of friends that make him feel comfortable asking for help’. To clarify, my partner and I had not said we’d help and only one person in the group had said yes. So this comment was very passive aggressive towards most people in the group.

I slept on it but today I left all groups with this guy and his girlfriend in and blocked them on all platforms. Before I did, I said that I hoped this could be seen as a ‘brave and inspirational move’ and that I hoped I had ‘the kind of friends who didn’t make me feel bad about setting boundaries or asking for help’. I feel much lighter now. No doubt there’ll be bitching about me but the thing is; there was already bitching about me! At least now I’m free! It’s so worth it!

OP posts:
MrsMitford3 · 09/03/2023 12:21

@Feliciacat I love a good update-I posted upthread-so well done!

No doubt there’ll be bitching about me but the thing is; there was already bitching about me! At least now I’m free! It’s so worth it

Sums it up perfectly!!!

EL8888 · 09/03/2023 12:23

Brave and inspirational 🤣. Just sounds like CFuckery to me

Sparklfairy · 09/03/2023 12:27

Wow. Perfect response OP, the only thing I might have added before blocking is links to cleaning companies Grin

BobDear · 09/03/2023 12:45

Brilliant update and response. You are SO WELL RID - enjoy the lightness!

Yes I'd have been tempted to mention paying for a cleaner like 99% of people who can't do their cleaning for whatever reason, but apart from that - you did brilliantly.

Let them bitch. Deep down, half of them will just be envious that you are out and they are now going to have put marigolds on just to prove how fucking #BeKind they all are.

Back2Back2t · 09/03/2023 13:55

OP!!!!!! Bloody WELL DONE!!! 😂😂😂

Glorianna · 09/03/2023 13:58

They are not brave and inspirational OP, but you certainly are! Well done 👏🏼

euff · 09/03/2023 14:07

Lol at their cfery.Well done you.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 09/03/2023 14:15

Thank you so much guys! I agree on the cleaning link but that had already been done by someone else. Then the guy was writing an essay saying he was sorry if it was cheeky but he didn’t want to pay for such minor jobs and that he would buy us all a takeaway and that he was just thinking of his poor girlfriend. Then this other friend was wanking him off saying he didn’t need to feel bad and implying that we should all feel bad. This was while he was unable to help himself as he lives elsewhere so almost never sees them so it’s easy for him to say!

I appreciate depression but I have experienced some myself and so has my partner and we’d never dream of asking for help! Even if I have the planned c section I want (with a long recovery) we plan to do it alone. My partner will take leave to help; it’s not for our friends to help! This is with us having zero family support too! So I’m flabbergasted that they expect us to care for them. I used to help out but it’s the disregard for my feelings that makes me want to ghost them. I don’t even get basic respect in return!

OP posts:
aloris · 09/03/2023 14:27

Good update. It's contradictory for him to say he doesn't want to pay for such a minor job but also say it's too big for his poor girlfriend to do alone. Lots of people deep-clean their house on their own, so it's very strange to try to get friends to do it for them. It sounds like he's a person who over-relies on his friends for routine tasks that he should be finding a way to do himself (even if it's less convenient for him). The problem with someone like that, is that when they REALLY need help with something they can't do on their own, their usual helpers feel overloaded and resentful, because they have already given so much effort to helping with little tasks that should never have been their problem in the first place.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2023 15:12

"It sounds like he's a person who over-relies on his friends for routine tasks that he should be finding a way to do himself (even if it's less convenient for him)."
I think he sounds like someone who is self-centred, self-absorbed, and just plain selfish. He doesn't so much rely on his friends, as feels it is his due that those he graces with his presence should show proper homage to his magnificence by undertaking the trivial tasks he does not lower himself to perform.

You are so well shot of him and his shit, OP.

Nimbostratus100 · 09/03/2023 15:15

I don't see what is brave and inspirational about asking someone to clean your oven.

Nor why you cant do it your self sat on the floor in front of it, even if you have a broken ankle.

I am sure I did

skippymcflippy · 09/03/2023 15:20

Good update OP. He's a cheeky fucker.
There is no need to be asking friends to deep clean the house including the oven.
His girlfriend can do what is necessary to keep the place vaguely clean. If she's not able to do that he needs to pay for a cleaner for a few weeks until things are back on an even keel.
And any "deep-cleaning" (whatever the hell that is) can be done at some point in the future when he is back on his feet.

Monsun · 09/03/2023 16:00

BobDear · 09/03/2023 12:45

Brilliant update and response. You are SO WELL RID - enjoy the lightness!

Yes I'd have been tempted to mention paying for a cleaner like 99% of people who can't do their cleaning for whatever reason, but apart from that - you did brilliantly.

Let them bitch. Deep down, half of them will just be envious that you are out and they are now going to have put marigolds on just to prove how fucking #BeKind they all are.

#BeKind 😂😂😂 oh my, I almost snorted out my coffee reading that!

Anyway, well done you OP! 👏Really happy for you! And you're absolutely right, it's most definitely not your problem (personally, I'd avoid the 'brave and inspirational' numbnuts too while you're at it).

Jaxinthebox · 09/03/2023 17:40

oh my, their CFery continues.

When I had a spinal operation and was off my feet recovering for 6 weeks I did what I could in the house, couldn't wash my hair myself but I could stack a dishwasher.

And then I got a cleaner in to do what I couldn't do.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 09/03/2023 17:55

My partner just got home and he says he is stressed with processing it all. He says he doesn’t disagree with what I did but that he’s processing it. He says he needs to have a one on one chat with this guy as he thinks ‘this is symptomatic of anger issues’. I wonder if something’s been said after I’ve gone. I asked if it was me or them with the anger issues and he said mostly them. I’m not sure what’s going on.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/03/2023 18:04

Shouldn't your partner let you know what is going on and discuss it with you or what he's heard before he goes off for a one-to-one chat?
You were asked to help and because of previous CF ness/lack of respect you said no. Fair Enough.
In your shoes, I would be very fed up that all the help and assistance you have given over the years now counts for nothing because you have said no to this latest request and I hope your partner understands.

Bonheurdupasse · 09/03/2023 18:49

OP

Whatever you do don't let your partner drag you back into any kind of contact with the CF or that group.
Or God forbid try to get you to apologise!

This is where you'll see if your partner would rather have you upset than them. Which would be a red flag for me.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2023 19:14

Feliciacat · 09/03/2023 17:55

My partner just got home and he says he is stressed with processing it all. He says he doesn’t disagree with what I did but that he’s processing it. He says he needs to have a one on one chat with this guy as he thinks ‘this is symptomatic of anger issues’. I wonder if something’s been said after I’ve gone. I asked if it was me or them with the anger issues and he said mostly them. I’m not sure what’s going on.

"He says he doesn’t disagree with what I did but that he’s processing it."
And what the france does he mean by "processing it"? And whilst he may not disagree, it sounds as if he doesn't agree either.

"He says he needs to have a one on one chat with this guy as he thinks ‘this is symptomatic of anger issues’."
What does he mean by 'this' in "this is symptomatic of anger issues"? The do-my-cleaning requests or the essay? Or the other guy "wanking him off saying he didn’t need to feel bad and implying that we should all feel bad." And why would he want a one on one chat anyway? What purpose does your partner think this would serve?

"I wonder if something’s been said after I’ve gone."
I'd be very surprised if nothing was said, and I doubt it was particularly complementary towards MrBrokenAnkle treating the entire group as skivvies to do his cleaning, the lazy fucker. After all, they weren't exactly falling over themselves except to give links to paid cleaners (and pontificate from afar in one case).

"I asked if it was me or them with the anger issues and he said mostly them. I’m not sure what’s going on."
'Mostly' them means 'a little bit' you, surely?

I'll be blunt.

Your partners being decidedly weird here. Possibly a little bit too enmeshed in the group dynamic and finding it difficult to climb up out of the swamp. He doesn't sound as if he has your back, and I'd be asking him what the fuck he's on about and what the fuck is he doing. Do not let him drag you back into this bloody odd 'friendship' group.