I wonder if you would feel resentful over this?

[Muchmunching]

A friend of mine had a tough few days as her Aunt passed and this really affected her. Her Aunt passed on Saturday and on Sunday she was dreading work but didn't feel she could take a couple of days off as losing money would cause her hardship. She is a self employed cleaner.

After spending much time with her over the weekend and her saying she really didn't feel up to it. I offered to cover her pay for the 2 days to give her some extra time to gather her thoughts etc.

Many options were discussed and she really didn't feel working was the option she wanted. She was adamant.
I transferred her the money so she wasn't at a loss financially.

I have since discovered she made the decision to work. When I asked her about this, she said after some thought, she felt she wanted to go in.

I won't be asking her to return the money and she hasn't offered but I do feel a bit resentful.
I'm not wrong to feel this way as it is how I feel but wondered if others would feel the same?

Remind her that she knows you are very sorry for the loss of her aunt to the extent of supporting her need for time out by generously covering lost income so she could take some time to grieve and still cover her essential outgoings. But she knows you aren't wealthy and simply don't have the disposable income to spare when she changed her mind and decided to work after all.

It takes a very CF to repurpose like that without offering to return it first. She's lost an aunt, not a parent or a dependent. You can be assertive with this.

Unless you were planning on spending 2 days of your own hard earned wages on a wreath for a friend''s aunt? I don't know anyone who would pay a friend to take time off work when someone dies, and never so they can blow that money on non-essentials.

However, you gifted it so will probably have to let this one go, but please learn from it. You sound like a very good friend but try not to get too involved in other people's worries and never try and solve people's life issues with your own money (unless you can afford to take it into the garden and set fire to it without it affecting your life). Protect your pot.

Op you really cannot afford to do things like this.
Friends listen,make tea, a card and a bunch of flowers.
Paying the equivalent of 2 days wages to someone when you are pretty broke yourself is setting yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Check your boundaries around friends, this seems manipulative to me, hence you are irritated.

This. Please don't do this kind of thing again, OP. It came from a place of goodwill, but you need to show that same goodwill to yourself first and foremost.

This

You need to ask for the money back. Asap. Before she claims she's already spent it on a wreath or something.
You don't have lots of extra cash.
Just say, actually dear friend I would prefer if you just returned the cash as you were able to work. To be honest, I have no disposable cash this month I just so desperately wanted to help. Thanks so much.

I agree with @Flipthefrugal.

Very gently OP, the bottom line is you are not in a position to afford such grand gestures yourself.

In your shoes I would not ask for your money back. Once it's gifted, it's gone - it's not this kind of straightforward transaction that comes with a possibility to request a refund. Especially if your friend is not normally a user and if you value your friendship.

Moving forward I would reflect on the reason behind your offer. Perhaps you are a people pleaser, to your own disadvantage? I'm saying this as my sister is notorious for her uber-generosity while being over her head in debt. It can be really awkward (from my POV) to be on the receiving end of such great gifts.

I hope the universe, if not this particular friend, will repay you for your kindness!

Let's hope so, in spades! maybe her aunt will leave her enough to pay back the money, with a treat..maybe over 10 years down the line she will be able to reciprocate in kindness..because she's a friend who helped her out when things were hard and it didn't go unappreciated or forgotten. Just think before you lend/give money next time, if you need to ask if you are being mugged off on Mumsnet, you shouldn't be offering in the first place......it's not about what random strangers think when it's your conscience deciding

No, the strings were attached when it was given. The conversation was "IF you cannot afford to take time off, I will cover your earnings for those two days should you choose NOT to go to work". The conditions were stipulated at the time.

The friend has now changed her mind on working and so accepted money in false pretences.

This is unbelievably cheeky and whilst I probably would have the courage to confront her I would be slowly pulling away from the friendship

A perfect response -beautifully put @theescapeladder , I agree with every word

I think she ought to have at least offered to return it.

Call me cynic but her saying how she is now able to spend it on flowers is just so you don't ask for it back

I'd message 'In all honestly I can't afford to pay for a wreath, I thought you were desperate for essentials but unfit to work. I'm sure your aunt would be understanding. I do need the money back for some essentials myself - perhaps plant some bulbs in her memory that will flower every year"

She's not acting as a friend to you. She accepted the money in lieu of going to work. She went to work. She should return the money. It is not OK to keep the money & claim she's using it for flowers etc. That's not her choice. Explain to her you gave her the money purely so she did not have to work, as she worked you require the money back. You need to reflect on how you have been treated by a supposed friend. I'd be very disappointed.

The strings were attached from the start....

I personally wouldn’t be too upset about a friend keeping money I’d given them as a gift. She hasn’t gone for a lavish night night out, got her hair and nails done and living it large.

She went to work!!

It was t a "gift" it was my bet in lieu of being unable to work.

This is a perfect response.

It was a gift to give her some breathing space from work, if you'd wanted to spend it on a wreath or flowers I'm sure you would have done. I'd definitely be asking for it back.

I doubt she’ll spend it on a wreath or flowers.

She has already proved untrustworthy once, I wouldn’t take her at her word.

If you had a lot of disposable income I’d say shrug it off but don’t give her money again but as you don’t, I think you need to get your money back.

Op you sound like a nice person but do not offer money again to people. Do not offer /give / lend that you can’t afford.
people take advantage no matter what the grief so lesson learned.

I would rephrase this to:

I can't afford to pay for a wreath. I thought you were desperate for essentials but unfit to work. I need the money back for essentials myself. Please transfer it back.

I have an update but I'm too upset to type it all at the moment.

Aunt never died. 😢

Disgusting!! You can’t be responsible for other peoples actions, only your own. You were a good person who done a good thing, and they weren’t. Perhaps it’s a mental health issue. I hope you are ok and can draw a line under it and move on from the friendship.

Oh my goodness, you are the loveliest friend ever
I really, REALLY hope she meant to pay your money back

Wtf?! Get your money back. How awful is she!!

😂

I'd think she really needed the money and leave it at that.