I wonder if you would feel resentful over this?

[Muchmunching]

A friend of mine had a tough few days as her Aunt passed and this really affected her. Her Aunt passed on Saturday and on Sunday she was dreading work but didn't feel she could take a couple of days off as losing money would cause her hardship. She is a self employed cleaner.

After spending much time with her over the weekend and her saying she really didn't feel up to it. I offered to cover her pay for the 2 days to give her some extra time to gather her thoughts etc.

Many options were discussed and she really didn't feel working was the option she wanted. She was adamant.
I transferred her the money so she wasn't at a loss financially.

I have since discovered she made the decision to work. When I asked her about this, she said after some thought, she felt she wanted to go in.

I won't be asking her to return the money and she hasn't offered but I do feel a bit resentful.
I'm not wrong to feel this way as it is how I feel but wondered if others would feel the same?

Agree sounds like OP gave her friend money out of her own emergency fund, not everyone can afford an emergency fund unfortunately. I would be wary about giving her more money going forward but it's nice to be in a position to help someone...this money may well get repaid in kind if not in £s in the short term. It was someone else's emergency this time..money isn't everything, doing a good thing is priceless

I'd actually say this, deliberately ignoring the nonsense about buying a wreath.

And I agree with a PP, has the aunt definitely died? Cos that was my first thought - she got loads of support off her clients which might have included an extra few quid thrown in here and there!

Whatever you decide OP, you did a Good Thing. Unfortunately it's true that no good deed goes unpunished.

Ahh you're not in a position to afford to gift money for a wreath. She doesn't need to buy a wreath. I'd say something like

'I'm really glad you were able to go to work in the end & didn't want you to worry about it but I'm not able to gift that amount of money for a wreath sadly as it is my emergency fund. Happy for you to keep £5/£10 for a bunch of flowers but please could you return the rest. Hope you're feeling ok & going easy on yourself.'

You were very kind to make the offer, but it was very definitely intended to replace her wages. She hasn't missed work, so she's been paid and should return the money to you.

She probably will when things settle down, she's not thinking straight just now.

I think you just have to accept the money is gone. Don’t give people money unless you are fine with them doing what they want with it. What she’s done isn’t right but some people have a bad attitude towards money. They just see it as something that has to be spent and don’t hesitate!

Its definitely a case of no good deed goes unpunished. The decent thing to do would be for her to give back the money but I don’t think she will. If you ask for it back she turn it against you i guarantee. You have to decide if it’s worth the hassle.

2 days leave may still be needed, the day of the funeral for one, just waking up one morning and it hitting you hard is another, grief doesn't come with a blueprint or calender. As you get older and you lose more people you start to learn..life doesn't come with an instruction manual, some deaths are expected and are a relief, others are a shock to the system and you reel from them, it doesn't have to be someone in your immediate family to blind side you either

She's fucking scammed you and is buying a wreath (yeah right) with your money! CF!

Maybe I'm just cynical but it strikes me that after your discussions about her not feeling able to work,she realised that with the 2 days( very generous ) money from you she'd be quids in if she went. Grief is no
excuse for accepting and keeping money under false pretences.

She's scammed you and is relying on it being awkward for you to ask for it back which is why she's got in there first.
Don't let her get away with it! Ask for it back! Cheeky mare.

I agree with previous posters that it might have tainted the relationship. I hope not, But personally I'd be on edge waiting for the next shoe to drop..
I hope I'm wrong & you can both move on fron it..

How should I reply?

"I thought you would do the decent thing and return the money."

Because really, you shouldn't be in a position of having to ask for it back.

How much did you give her? Does she know you gave her all your disposable cash bar 20 pounds for the week? I find that whenever you give money to anyone family or friend it is very hard to dictate how it is used or if lent, if it is returned. I personally would not make a big deal about it but I wouldn't give it again.

I would be livid. Your friend has really manipulated you & this situation.

I would say, im really sorry but if you don't need that money I could really use it back.

As others have said, I imagine the friendship is tainted now for you anyway and that you will no longer see her in the same light, in which case in your shoes and financial position I would ask for it back.

"Hi , I didn't really give you that money to use for things, it was so you could I gave you that money so you could take time off to grieve. Because you worked I feel a bit used as the money wasn't needed for the purpose intended. I sent you money I needed too. If it helps I am happy for you to use £ on a wreath, but I would like the rest back."

I've done a bit of editing on an otherwise good message. I think if you want a chance for the friendship to survive, I'd avoid language that may come off as inflammatory or accusatory.

Actually the right thing to do would have been "No seriously Muchmunching I cannot take any money from you because you don't have it to give away"

OP, you've posted on here because it has made you uncomfortable. You clearly do not have the money to be bankrolling your friends wreath purchase or paying for her days off.

Given that your friend did not tell you herself she worked and that you found out by chance suggests she was never going to tell you. Ask for it back. Your friends response will tell you whether she is as good a friend to you as you are to her.

I'm assuming this is a couple of hundred quid, the difference between heating and eating attending a funeral and buying a wreath to show your respect..between established friends..it's hardly a big con..friends help each other don't they? You can't give what you don't have...if this is a long-term friend and the first time you've helped them financially you really shouldn't expect to dictate exactly how the money is spent...you've helped them get through the month just don't give them any more if you are in anyway dubious about their character

Oh, in addition....I think you can expect her to say she's already spent the money. You need to decide what you want to do in that eventuality so you have a response ready.

She sounds like a scammer, are you sure she's really bereaved? That sounds shockingly heartless but I have worked with people who have taken time off to attend funerals for non-existent relatives.

She could have offered it back, which would have allowed you to say, "No, keep it, use it for a wreath," or, "Thanks, I was happy to help but I'm actually really skint this month." She didn't do that. I wonder why.

I think you need the money back and you need to make it something tangible - “food for your kids / to pay for your prescriptions / heating or bill”

I would let it go.

A gifts a gift.

Maybe what she did wasn't right but you'll know next time she doesn't deserve your kindness.

Maybe things are that tight! Even with the extra pay she may not be making ends meet and can’t justify sitting at home when she could potentially be making money. You may never know their true financial situation.

You gave it and are now attaching strings to it. I think YABU.

You have donated her your treat, you've treated her instead that's a friendly thing to do, I don't think you should think this isn't money well spent. Karma and all that..that's what friends are for

Don't let money come between a good friendship. You have been very kind - you know her best - is this really her or is grief clouding her judgement