I wonder if you would feel resentful over this?

[Muchmunching]

A friend of mine had a tough few days as her Aunt passed and this really affected her. Her Aunt passed on Saturday and on Sunday she was dreading work but didn't feel she could take a couple of days off as losing money would cause her hardship. She is a self employed cleaner.

After spending much time with her over the weekend and her saying she really didn't feel up to it. I offered to cover her pay for the 2 days to give her some extra time to gather her thoughts etc.

Many options were discussed and she really didn't feel working was the option she wanted. She was adamant.
I transferred her the money so she wasn't at a loss financially.

I have since discovered she made the decision to work. When I asked her about this, she said after some thought, she felt she wanted to go in.

I won't be asking her to return the money and she hasn't offered but I do feel a bit resentful.
I'm not wrong to feel this way as it is how I feel but wondered if others would feel the same?

This is a really good message - if you’re feeling generous. Or you would be more than entitled to say instead of the last sentence: ‘given you didn’t need the time off I would like the money back please as I’m not in a comfortable enough position financially to offer it for anything other than absolutely essential time off which I thought it was’.

If you ask for the money back, you will almost certainly lose the friendship. She will either feel ashamed that she has misused your gift, or she will feel cross that she has been found out.

You did a very kind deed. I hope ( and believe) that you will be recompensed. I don’t think trying to get your money back will profit you.

@RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead

I think it's a good message too.

I think this is a good suggestion. Clear and reasonable.

She’s put you in a terrible position. You’ve no idea what she will do with the money, I highly doubt she will spend two days earnings on flowers. So she’s just keeping it and bullshitting, she’s finding a reason for you not to get it back, now it’s very hard for you to say hey can I have it back.

she’s not treated you well. She’s used the money like an unexpected windfall. It’s a calculated move and it’s unpleasant.

I'm wondering how much 2 days earnings amounts to. Having just checked the interflora website it looks like a wreath can be purchased for around £60. If you gave her more than this would a compromise be to offer to pay a certain amount towards a wreath and please could she return the rest as it has made you short this month.

It sounds like you weren't supposed to know she went to work.

We don't always think clearly while grieving. If she's usually a good friend and not one to take the piss, I'd let it go. You've done a nice thing and eased things for her in her time of need, that was good of you. Don't sully it if she's just not thinking straight.

Ouch. I'd be really annoyed too.

I don't think you can really ask for it back though.

You could be really open and honest and that you feel a bit upset, you thought it was clear that the money was so she could rest for a few days, it wasn't easy for you to afford, and that you feel used, see what she says. Might help to heal the friendship?

I'd have trouble feeling the same way about her after this.

😔

You are a very generous person but to leave yourself with only £20 quid extra for the week means that you are not flush and could not afford this generosity without sacrifice.

You certainly didn't mean it for a wreath.
I'm not impressed on your behalf.

OP, you sound vulnerable to be taken advantage of, being so kind which is not good.

Mind yourself.

No, not really. She could still use the money to buy herself a nice treat, which would cheer her up.

Maybe she went into work because if she was at home she'd stew in her grief - if that makes sense.

I would leave it now after having read her response.
Still think that she is a CF as she has put you in a difficult position

I agree. Whatever happens next OP, the friendship has been tainted.

You've been extremely generous. She's taken the piss. This is why, as you get older like me, you will not give/lend people anything anymore. And the default option is to trust noone.

You gave her that money to cover wages so she wasn't in hardship. End of. Not for her to reallocate. OK if she felt she didn't want to wallow in grief, then fine, go into work but she should have returned the money. I wouldn't ask for it back because it would look awful. I'd phase her out. She's used you as a cash dispenser.

Sounds to me like she knows exactly what she is doing. She's made it so it's awkward for you to ask for the money back by gushing how she will be able to buy a wreath etc. she doesn't sound a great friend or even very nice tbh

This. What a cheeky thing to do!

YABU to say her aunt "passed".
She died.

Ah no that's not good. I'm afraid I would view her differently after this. Don't give her money ever again. You're a lovely, generous person, but don't let yourself get taken advantage of. Who suggested you give her money? Was it completely yours or did she hint heavily that she couldn't afford not to work, but also couldn't face it? IE did she set you up?

Don’t let a couple of days pay come between your friendship, I would just let it go. Grieving can take years not days, so just keep the waters calm.

I think it was a very lovely gesture, maybe your friend was stressing about money generally, and was feeling shocked about the death of her aunt and the ramifications it presented financially...you stepped in to help and in the cold light of day she felt she was able to work and not let her clients down so a win win. I think helping anyone out financially shouldn't come with caveats...sounds like she felt obliged to send a floral tribute which she hadn't budgeted for, I think as a friend who wanted to help someone who was in a financial situation bad enough she couldn't feel able to take a few hours off work in a crisis I would've done the same, and given her a cushion. She may pay you the money back, or she may not..that's the thing about giving/ lending money to people. If you can't afford to lose it you shouldn't. She sounds appreciative so thats good, just make a mental note but don't hold a grudge yet

Yes, I absolutely would, and I wouldn't value the friendship any longer. Her morals are all wrong

Think I'd message back saying, I'm sorry but the money was to help you with missing wages, as you said you needed 2 days off work. But you did go to work in the end and got paid. Please could you return the money to me, because I'm skint myself, and you didn't lose any money in the end.

She’s a real cow.
emotional blackmail is vile

id definitely ask for the money back.

I don't think I'd ask for the money back, because it will likely get turned into you looking callous somehow. But it would be the end of the friendship.

I still think grief doesn't elude to the fact you've taken money off a friend with the sole purpose of taking 2 days leave. Its not an excuse in my opinion. She clearly wasn't going to be honest and offer it back, she chose to take advantage of the situation in the handy disguise of grief