I wonder if you would feel resentful over this?

[Muchmunching]

A friend of mine had a tough few days as her Aunt passed and this really affected her. Her Aunt passed on Saturday and on Sunday she was dreading work but didn't feel she could take a couple of days off as losing money would cause her hardship. She is a self employed cleaner.

After spending much time with her over the weekend and her saying she really didn't feel up to it. I offered to cover her pay for the 2 days to give her some extra time to gather her thoughts etc.

Many options were discussed and she really didn't feel working was the option she wanted. She was adamant.
I transferred her the money so she wasn't at a loss financially.

I have since discovered she made the decision to work. When I asked her about this, she said after some thought, she felt she wanted to go in.

I won't be asking her to return the money and she hasn't offered but I do feel a bit resentful.
I'm not wrong to feel this way as it is how I feel but wondered if others would feel the same?

I think you did a kind thing and she obviously appreciated it.

I absolutely understand why you feel as you do. I'd feel the same. However, if she's a good friend I'd just let it go. People don't always think or act logically when they are grieving.

Maybe she would use it at a later date to take a day off?

Did she agree to you giving her the money for not working? It's not clear? Maybe she felt she was going to lose clients if she didn't work?

That IS cheeky! Send her your bank details and ask for your money back
You're too kind( I was the same!)
How did you find out she went into work?

Sorry slow typing
She has the hide of a rhino!
You did not intend to pay for a wreath, she earned her normal wages anyway
I know it's hard, but she is exploiting your kindness
Ask for your money back, she's not a good friend

I’d be inclined to be gracious and leave it. Chalk it up as a life lesson and let it go.

Now I've seen your most recent message from her I think I would just leave it.

Hi, I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I gave you that money to cover your earnings as you didn’t feel up to working. However, seeing as you DID manage to work and earn money, I am expecting the money back. It was never to go out and buy extra things. It was to cover your basic income, which it wasn’t needed for in the end. I would appreciate you returning the money to me please.

*RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · Today 16:23
Take responsibility for what?? Being super lovely??

Ultimately it’s up to you how you handle this, but I’d still want that back. You didn’t give it to her to buy a wreath, you have it to her as support to not work.

How is your financial situation OP?*

Well I'm not going to go without any essentials.
The money I gave her is all my disposable income apart from £20 left after bills for a month. I mostly use it to add to a small savings pot or a treat.
Just to add that the savings pot is what I use when an appliance breaks or unexpected outgoing crops up, it isn't something that really gets build into anything extravagant.
I may be over explaining but I don't want to drip feed.

I made my decision based upon the thought that not having that for a month versus somebody I care about not experiencing hardship to be able to have some space to grieve.
I was able to help and I did.

I haven't replied to her yet. I want to be sure I word it as sensitively as possible.

This looks like she has misunderstood what the money is for. Does she think you just gave her monkey cause she’s skint and was going on about that too?

It sounds like she thinks you were going to help her financially anyway whether or not she took the days off and that she has implied taking the days off would make her even worse off.

From your update, you’re not really in a position to be giving away money. And she’s not a good friend - she’s taking the absolute piss out of you.

“I gave you the money for you to have two days off for bereavement. The fact you haven’t taken them yet, on the days we discussed is no problem. You can’t schedule grieving…it happens when it happens. Perhaps you would want to use one day for the funeral itself, and one for when things do get too much. But it’s a gift from me to you, for you. Not for a wreath or other spend for your Aunt. This money is for you to have time and space to grieve, whenever you are ready. So please save that money for a couple days off. All my best xx”

I don't think this is a great message. It's at once patronising, over-complicated and letting her off the hook.

I would instead keep it very clear 'I provided the money on the understanding you weren't able to go to work, and were worried about not being paid. I'm disappointed that you misled me and accepted money on this basis'.

I personally wouldn't directly ask for the money back - on the basis that it's given & unlikely to be returned. For me, calling out the shitty behaviour would be more important.

But I would understand if someone else did ask for it back.

Money not monkey, monkeys are expensive and illegal to keep.

out of interest how much money are we talking ?

I will use the money from you to get a wreath or some flowers. I promise you it will be spent properly. It would have made it wors not to be able to get somethin and not pay my bills. It really helps to now I can do both and I will always be thankfull to you for the help to do this."

she’s a cf
but ultimately you wanted her to feel better after her aunts loss, and you’ve succeeded.

I love this

*Theunamedcat · Today 16:34
Maybe she would use it at a later date to take a day off?

Did she agree to you giving her the money for not working? It's not clear? Maybe she felt she was going to lose clients if she didn't work?*

100%. We discussed her options in detail. One was, would working perhaps provide a bit of a distraction and normality.
She was adamant she couldn't work feeling this way and the added pressure of having no choice as she wouldn't be able to cover essentials. Not being able to afford to grieve etc
I clearly said that I would cover her work earnings for the next 2 days to give her that space she wanted.

*Whatatimetobealivetoday · Today 16:49
Whatatimetobealivetoday · Today 16:48
This looks like she has misunderstood what the money is for. Does she think you just gave her monkey cause she’s skint and was going on about that too?

It sounds like she thinks you were going to help her financially anyway whether or not she took the days off and that she has implied taking the days off would make her even worse off.
Money not monkey, monkeys are expensive and illegal to keep.*

This made me chuckle. 🤣🤣
Thank you.

I like this too.

I think you need to ask for the money back op, it's not fair that all your extra money was sent to do this incredibly kind things and now she wants to use it on flowers.

Okay, so it's not like you have money to burn OP.

Here's another message for critiquing here (I'm not great at this stuff so won't be hurt if majority think I am way off on tone):

"Hi , I didn't really give you that money to use for things, it was so you could take time off to grieve. Because you worked I feel a bit used as I was sending you money I need too. If it helps I am happy for you to use £ on a wreath, but I would like the rest back."

FFS stupid formatting. Sorry.

If you really are fond of her then I think you are going to gave to let it go. Although personally I would never trust her again.

Alternatively you can just say the money was to cover living expenses of her not working for the two days, and as you found out she did work, and as it did leave you a bit short, you would like the money returned

Unless you need the money I wouldn’t ask for it back. Though you are completely within your right to do so. How is she normally? Only you can judge. She definitely should have offered to return it and only if you refused should she have followed with that.

😂😂 good

Is the Aunt really dead ?