Are you a Borrower and if you are why?

[coodawoodashooda]

With the caravan borrower thread in mind, and my neighbour, why are some people so good at borrowing and asking for favours? I would always rather go without or save up until I could get whatever myself. My neighbour has terrible form for running out of main ingredients for the meals she's cooking or being short on childcare. I personally find being in someone else's personal space quite unrelaxing. If you Borrow how do you manage this without feeling embarrassed or awkward? It absolutely baffles me.

I think that is so much more common than you’d ever think reading stuff on here where people can be so very transactional. I think most of us know things even out, no need to keep running tallies. And healthy relationships are based on a degree of reciprocity and exchange, not everyone existing in a state of autarky.

DH's family is brilliant for this stuff. There's a specific "Does anyone have a..." Whatsapp group so that stuff doesn't get lost in the general chat.

MIL was one of 15. Majority girls and somehow despite having, what feels like, 20 billion cousins DH is really close to them all.

There's actually a hedge trimmer thats been loaned round so many times no-one can actually remember who it originally belong to!

There was one who took the piss and didn't look after stuff. In the way that only family can they were told very bluntly they were no longer allowed to borrow anything.

Our street has a group as well and it's lovely. Really adds to the community feeling.

Sorry but all the sad faces are making me laugh!😂
So fake
I don't borrow butter from my neighbour or he doesn't borrow it from me cos you know shops exist
What" sad" really means is I take advantage of people so don't challenge me!

The sad faces are making me laugh too.

If I’ve severed my leg I’ll ask for help. Two eggs isn’t an emergency and there’s shops nearby. If I haven’t got a potato I’m sure I’ll survive.

We lend out lots of equipment and have always had it back. We have asked to borrow some friends' roof box on about three occasions now. They have generously lent it each time but I'm getting uncomfortable and think that (as we can afford to), we should buy our own now (and offer it on loan to friends once theirs is knackered).

Hi, yes I am aka, Arrietty, and I was born this way. :) fun fact: When I befriend humans, they have to move house :)…

I knocked on a neighbour's door once to ask to borrow one egg! I'd not noticed I was out and was halfway through cooking something! I don't normally borrow anything though, but will lend or give stuff if need be.

If only you could hear what my neighbours have to say about your opinion about me! Shops exist indeed, most things we help each other out with exist, but that's not the point. Not everyone who takes help is trying to save money! You would get that if you weren't as cold as you seem to be going by your post.

I don’t do much cooking. A neighbour once asked to borrow some flour so I gave her the small bag from my cupboard. She returned it a few minutes later saying it was full of black bits (weevils?). She’s never asked me for anything since!

You should have said they add to the protein of the dish! 😂

We used to have one too and a neighbour kept asking me to borrow it. When l said a firm no he said oh do you need to check with your husband?! Cheeky prick

It's not the 'saving money' element being criticised, its the fact that for a lot of these people in urban areas asking for an onion or an egg they are literally 5 mins walk from a local shop. It just seems a lot easier to go to the shops then sending out messages on whatsapp groups and waiting for a reply. Wanting to borrow a jetwash or a battery charger, fair enough, asking for 'some milk' just seems bizarre when you can buy your own whole bottle and be back in your home within 10 mins.

I don't tend to borrow, but i'm happy to lend out my stuff to people as long as i get it back and it's cared for, i like to help people.

I do occasionally ask for childcare (do you mind picking up XX tonight and i'll grab them from you) and it's fine because people ask me the same. If someone does me a favour, then ill make sure i find a way to return - ie a friend had mine for a sleepover (i asked them) so i've just given them access to something i have that they don't.

I had feeling obliged to anyone and we are generous.

It's not the 'saving money' element being criticised, its the fact that for a lot of these people in urban areas asking for an onion or an egg they are literally 5 mins walk from a local shop.

It's still easier to knock next door for an egg than it is to pop to the shop - especially if you have small children or the oven is on etc.

Some very wealthy acquaintances were always borrowing from us. I stopped when they asked to borrow my son's bike for 150 mile sponsored bike ride.

I don't borrow things but have asked friends for help with childcare. I also help them with childcare when they need so it's very much a 50/50 thing.

👏

I haven't read the full thread but I think the two markers you Ave down op are the two extremes..

I have asked to borrow something I ran short of
If I do then I buy new to replace and usually a little thank you. It is not something I do daily/weekly. But it has happened in my.life.

I dont think that makes me a "borrower ' nor do I think asking for childcare is a "borrower " and I say that as an x SAHM for 12 years so I was the one asked if people were in a bind.

There is a huge difference between helping out at times and between being taken advantage of. If I feel someone is taking advantage I say no. If I feel they are just in a bind and i can help. I help.

Thankfully most of my friends saw it this way too and I rarely felt taken advantage of. The few times I did feel this was the case I dealt with it.

I would only ask to borrow a big expensive thing, that has its use/value reduced through use, once.

We borrowed a large tent from friends for a week of camping. We really liked it. They kindly lent it to us, having used it just once themselves.

The next year, we thought about asking again and decided we would buy our own. It felt cheeky to become bigger users of it than they were. They’d done us a favour and effectively allowed us to try before we bought. That was good enough. To keep borrowing it would have felt rude. I’d say the same about other large items - if you want them for regular use, it’s best to buy your own rather than continually borrowing.

Cold?
I'm not cold at all!
I have an allotment and add spare things bloody courgettes to the community table and assist my elderly neighbour with her bins.
Her daughter gives me a bottle at Christmas and a nice card.
That's reciprocal,if I wanted spare veg I could help myself.
I'm happy to do the bins but her thanks is nice.
What I mean is people who are entitled and constantly take, stretch it further and further and are entitled.
Why call people sad/ cold because they have a different view point?

Agree. Putting people on the spot for one's personal gain or convenience is just so rude.

I’m definitely not a borrower, would always rather own the thing for myself - and can’t bear lending things. I place quite a high value on material possessions, usually for sentimental value rather than monetary, and it really upsets me when things aren’t returned.
Sharing in general is quite tough! I really struggle sharing food, not out of meanness - as I would happily pay for double of everything to ensure there was more than enough to go round - but sharing a portion I can’t relax, I worry that I’m either taking too much or losing out on my fair share, and don’t enjoy it as a result. When dh and share a pack of crisps or sweets he understands they will be split into two equal bowls!

I have a friend who is a borrower, but she's a lender too. She just has a totally different set of personal boundaries. She thinks it's fine to wander into someone else's house with no invite or warning, but she doesn't expect them to stop what they are doing for her, and she fully expects/wants other people to do that with her house. She'd cheerfully lend her car, house, anything. But she expects everyone else to do the same.

Drives me mental. I loathe visitors, I virtually pee in a circle around my possessions and I can't bear it!

I would go further and say that they do it deliberately.
It's a manipulative tactic.
They override boundaries and use manipulative words,behaviour and language to get their their own way.
An episode of have you got some milk is fine.
Knocking every week, taking more and more until someone is distressed is appalling.
People love the just say no mantra but often those targeted are vulnerable

Jesus. Really?? Is that what you think?