Are you a Borrower and if you are why?

[coodawoodashooda]

With the caravan borrower thread in mind, and my neighbour, why are some people so good at borrowing and asking for favours? I would always rather go without or save up until I could get whatever myself. My neighbour has terrible form for running out of main ingredients for the meals she's cooking or being short on childcare. I personally find being in someone else's personal space quite unrelaxing. If you Borrow how do you manage this without feeling embarrassed or awkward? It absolutely baffles me.

Very sad indeed😔

I've lent out garden tools, books, cat carrier, baby stuff etc to neighbours and close friends/families. I've borrowed my brother's lawnmower when mine was in for servicing. I've lent out a cheap pup tent to my friend's son when he went to a festival last year. I wouldn't lend out really costly things (my main tent, my electric bike, my car, stuff like that).

When my kids outgrow their clothes, I offer them to family/friends. Likewise, they've done that for me. When my friend was having her whole house rewired/kitchen redone etc, I offered to have her stay with me whilst the work was being done, she declined, but did let me batch cook a load of lovely meals for her to just heat up in microwave. When another friend was having cancer treatment, a bunch of us fixed up a rota and brought over home cooked meals for the family. We also mucked in with doing food shopping, laundry, school run and housework, just to take some of the stress of our friend's DH (working FT and having to look after our friend and their young children). Likewise, when friends are moving, a bunch of us will offer to help with packing/moving stuff/doing final clean on the place that's being vacated.

If friends need help with childcare, I'll do that whenever I can - we help each other out. I do like helping people, but I am cautious about what I lend out, as I've been stung a few times in the past.

I had the worst craving for gnocchi randomly when I was shielding
A woman brought me 2 packs, and asked to swap for tealights which I had plenty. Both of us very happy! Most random swap I've done

I recently asked a friend if we could borrow some plates because we had a large group coming to our house and we didn’t have enough - it’s the first time I think I’ve asked to borrow something and I felt so cringey about it. But friend was more than happy to help and it saved me going out to buy plates well almost certainly never use again (funeral, so lots more people coming to our home than would normally and it didn’t feel right to use paper).

I have a (different) friend who recently took her kid to the park and discovered a new bike track had been put in. She hadn’t brought bikes for her kids so she asked a complete stranger who was leaving the park if she could borrow her child’s bike and she would return it to her address later that afternoon. I cannot fathom doing something like that, but even weirder - the stranger said YES! Friend’s child had a lovely time on the bike and friend returned bike plus some chocolate to stranger later in the day to say thanks. The level of trust there is mind boggling to me and the level of brazenness of my friend!!

No, I am not a borrower and neither is DH. Our neighbours one side are though and the ones before them were too.

Happy enough to lend lawnmower, hedge trimmer, wheelbarrow, screwdrivers, hammers, ladders, drill, paint brushes etc. I do wonder though with things like lawnmowers, hedge trimmers why they don't buy one as they need them so often.

Food though annoys me. Previous neighbour often knocked to borrow an onion or an egg. Never gave anything back. Why would you not have those items?

New neighbour also has, so far, asked for eggs, tin of tomatoes, baked beans, flour, sugar. Again nothing in return.

We do live in a village and the nearest shop is 6 miles away but I find it annoying that because we are organised and have a store of food items the neighbour thinks they can just come to us when they want something.

DH is so easy going though he would always say yes to anyone asking for something.

Previous neighbour used to knock and ask to borrow money. I always said no but if DH answered the door he would give it. It was always at least £100

The whole system is based on reciprocity. I don't mind lending you my snow gear because you let me borrow your lawn mower. I'm happy to watch your child because you brought me soup when I was stuck home with Covid.
People need to realise it's give and take. That's how trust and good will is built.

I'd agree with this. I think people understandably get pissed off when it's all one way.

My mum and her friends worked shifts took each others kids to school, passed on clothing, buggies etc. all lovely and worked for all. A kind of little bit well off village / community helping each other raise their families.

My dad is the same as a pp's and loves being the person that now has the right thing in his shed that someone else needs to borrow. Fortunately he only has one or two instances of cfery and not had things returned or returned in good condition.

Whilst the above is lovely it doesn't mean I don't understand the threads where people are reluctant to share their property with entitled people or to recognise that cheeky fuckers are just that and should feel shame not the person they are trying to shame into feeling mean or stingy for not giving them a free ride whenever they want.

I was always the person who had tissues/ paracetamol/ stamps etc at work. No problem giving them but it does irk when it's always the same bloody people and those people love offering you and your stuff out to others too, By now if you've been taking paracetamol every month from me for the last few months maybe you should buy a few packs and keep them at work or a pack of stamps etc!

I'm not generally a borrower as I'm shy and awkward, but I have in the past had friends express that they felt a bit put out when I didn't ask them to borrow something I needed and knew they had. For many people (as long as the borrower respects the rules and looks after the item), borrowing and lending is part of what helps forge a sense of community and goodwill towards one another.

I’m a borrower I think - probably once or twice a month. Never turn up on doorstep and only ask friends / neighbours who I believe are happy to be asked (a couple of them ask back). Examples would be getting halfway through a meal and not having a key ingredients (whatsapped and asked). Asking neighbours to pick my DD up with hers from school etc when I have a meeting.

Why do I do it? I live life on the edge and I sometimes there is little choice. I’m also probably a bit cheeky. I also don’t mind being asked. Who knows whether it’s right / wrong whatever - I think it depends on the people, the ask, the frequency etc.

When I told a friend I had paid off my mortgage, she asked me to remortgage and lend her £100,000 to start a business. I said no.

Just remembered another thing. I was reading a book and FIL wanted to read it. DH asked if I’d mind lending it to FIL. This was before we were married, so more than 25 years. After a year DH asked if we could have the book back so that I can finish it, the response was “no, I haven’t read it”

I would say I'm a borrower but also a massive lender/giver too. If I have it and don't need it/not using it you are welcome to it.

As someone else mentioned we have a road whatsapp group and it's great. Before Xmas ran out of masking tape whilst painting and picked some up 5 mins later. Same when my daughter needed crutches for a few months. Recently someone had their car stolen and needed a car seat so we lent them the one out of my mums car. Have also given away plant and veg cuttings when people have asked or lent them our jet washer or long ladder etc.

My best friend and I have had things that have gone between us for the kids for years. At a time where we are trying to reduce buying for the environment and the cost of living I don't see any harm in a bit of mutual borrowing and lending but if it was one person who continually asked for bits of food or childcare would probably get a bit pissed off

My street also has a whatsapp group and there are always request to borrow power tools, battery chargers, hose pipe reel etc. I don't mind lending out stuff that would otherwise be expensive one off purchases for someone. I do get irritated with the 'anyone got a spare onion / some mushrooms / tin of tomatoes' type of requests, there is a Sainsburys literally at the end of the road, it is open every day from 7am to 10pm, by the time you have put your shoes on and walked to the end of the street to collect said onion you are almost in the sodding shop anyway so just fucking buy the ingredients. And to the women in number 68, I am not opening a bottle of wine in order to lend you 'a glass', and no I am not giving you the full bottle because you never ever replace it you cheeky fucker,

Interesting thread.

A lot of this depends on if you see yourself as an independent unit or part of a wider community.

For me, I want to be part of a wider community…..but that isn’t just a random group of unknowns on Facebook, but a genuine community. A Church or other religious organisation can be a community, and so can a group of friends. Within that, I’d like to be able to ask for help and also to be willing to give it and offer it if I saw a need. In my mind, this isn’t usually for a random item of food my cupboard is short of, but things like; lift to the airport, if moving a large item in garden that needs several people - help with that, feeding cat whilst away, borrowing a hedge cutter.

If I had no-one I could ask these occasional favours of, I’d feel a bit disappointed in my friendships/community. If no-one ever asked a favour of me, I’d feel I wasn’t being friendly/open enough. I also expect that anyone can say ‘no’ and I can say ‘no’ too. I’m actually prepared to put myself out and inconvenience myself to a level (actually think that’s important) but there are times and issues where you have to decide not to. And that’s fine too.

Actually asking for help is often harder for lots of people than offering ir giving it. I think it’s about pride. And actually, pride that stops us asking or receiving isn’t a good thing, but it’s a common feature of society today.

There are CFers who expect to total strangers to constantly respond to ransom and unnecessary requests. That’s not the same as being part of a genuine reciprocal group or community. Within these, the giv g and receiving is never totally balanced and that’s fine.

I have a neighbour i borrow from and her me. Although its not happened for ages. Its things like an egg, or flour. Its usually at tea time if we've run out of stuff.

No I'm too tall at 5ft 10

There can be a sustainability angle. It’s better for the environment to borrow a bit of equipment from friends, families or a neighbour if you only need to use it once, rather than buy new.

People in my area use Olio to give away things or lend out items. I use it to give away groceries that will spoil and I won’t have a chance to use, or brick a brac that I don’t have space for anymore.

I don’t understand the ‘ cf hunting’ mentality on here at all either. In my mind there is a big big difference between asking for a favour/ lend of something from someone you know and being ‘cheeky’. Particular when it’s close family.

Maybe it’s about how people have been raised- in my family, we lend things to each other without giving it a second thought really. Don’t keep a tally or feel beholden to each other.

Should say actually we had an old t25 campervan (now have a newer t5) and a few years ago a neighbour I had never met knocked and asked if we would rent it to him for a festival and that was a hard no. If I'm honest there aren't many people I would be happy to lend our campervan too, maybe very close family and a couple of friends

I borrow and lend all the time!

We needed to use a wheelbarrow last summer so we asked our neighbour if we could borrow hers for the afternoon. DP then fixed her car bumper when it fell off the following week to save her a fortune at the garage.

My mum and I have a lot of ‘communal’ stuff I’ll borrow her Vax machine and she’ll borrow my air wrap, or whatever else we would like to borrow. We borrow each other’s clothes or shoes, too.

I’d never ask to borrow money, though. Just things

Ha, you have pretty much preempted my post

I'm not a borrower I may ask my dad if he has a screw or nail now and again though! I'm happy to lend to those I trust to take care of it and return it in the same condition. No big deal to be helpful if needed but then no one around me borrows often.

And ‘can you deliver it’ 🙄

I'm in a couple of different WhatsApp friendship groups and all of us will ask "has anyone got xxx we can borrow". Tends to be once in a blue moon sort of stuff that costs a lot to buy, takes space to store and is wasteful from an environmental perspective for everyone to have their own. Things like gazebos, carpet cleaners, jet washers, extra seating for BBQs... I've never felt that anyone has been cheeky.

My old neighbour and I would often knock to ask to pinch a spoonful of some herb or watch a DC for half hour, it was nice.

Funnily enough I actually have a spare toaster in my cupboard and have been looking into buying a new kettle. If I saw that post I would think brilliant, now I can get rid of them😂

Wouldn’t deliver though, that would be an inconvenience and I’d say no if asked.

My father always said 'Neither borrower nor lender be' and I stick by that.