Are you a Borrower and if you are why?

[coodawoodashooda]

With the caravan borrower thread in mind, and my neighbour, why are some people so good at borrowing and asking for favours? I would always rather go without or save up until I could get whatever myself. My neighbour has terrible form for running out of main ingredients for the meals she's cooking or being short on childcare. I personally find being in someone else's personal space quite unrelaxing. If you Borrow how do you manage this without feeling embarrassed or awkward? It absolutely baffles me.

In the cases where people are upset by it yes.
In the cases where everyone is happy then no of course not!
People don't start a CF thread if they are in a happy reciprocal arrangement where they swap lettuce for strawberries or tools are borrowed and returned promptly.

I think people are confusing a borrower with someone who is reciprocal.
Borrow/ Lend equally
A borrower ( no giving/ lending ever) is a taker.
We all know one!

If its community reciprocacy and all participants honour that ethos then I think that's lovely.

Unfortunately I've been on the wrong end of too many CFs so I'm wary about lending/borrowing. So many things (or cash) not returned or returned trashed and/or only after chasing up several times. You'd think people would be MORE careful with things that aren't theirs but often the reverse seems to be true.

If it was my rent id rather lend it to you than it sit unused in my attic.

This thread is so interesting.

We used to, but when it got to the point where our things were getting broken,or we just didn't get them back- despite asking constantly-, we stopped doing it.
Even now, hubby will go to get something out if the shed, only to realise that he'd lent it to someone and never got it back.

I only lend to my mum and don't borrow from anyone. She's had my blender for a year now.

But it feels like it's blender's second home there.

Until Mum starts to forget that she never bought the blender, I did...

I'm a borrower and a lender but so is my next door neighbour so it evens its self out. Ill borrow a bit of tin foil or milk and she borrows tea bags and milk. We are good friends so it doesn't bother us. We are happy to help where needed (In my nature) As I run her son to football and she will pick them up. So works both ways for us.

They override boundaries and use manipulative words,behaviour and language to get their their own way.

This is often true, if I think about it. Even if they wouldn’t admit it, even to themselves. I have a friend who is a nervous driver. She doesn’t like to take her turn with giving lifts (which is somewhat understandable), but also likes all arrangements to be exactly to her convenience (less so, when she’s never the one who’s put put). And she does this, if I think about about it. Nicely, but she does it. (“Oh, if I’m the problem, I’ll just leave after the main course and walk four miles to the bus stop” sort of thing, so someone offers to give her a lift home at her preferred time rather than say “no - that doesn’t work - we wanted to go for a drink afterwards”.

As I said upthread, MN is constantly full of “how do I say no to this CF request” threads. And it is hard, even if you’re pretty assertive. I think the “no harm in asking, anyone can say no” brigade know this and profit from it pretty ruthlessly sometimes, even if the request comes with a smile or a polite “Would you mind awfully if….?”.

I'm not a borrower. If o was missing an ingredient, I'd cook something else or walk to the shops. I know my neighbours well enough but I wouldn't think to ask them and they don't either. We do have an estate Facebook page and people will often ask to borrow tools which we are happy to do. I expect people to return what they borrow though (not food more along line of tools) but I think that is because I take care of my things and I value them. Dh considers stuff to be just that so if someone bottows something and doesn't return it for 4 years he just isn't that bothered. Thinking of my bil who has had my wallpaper stripper for the last 4 years due to ongoing renovation in his home. It annoys me that I have to ask for it back when the polite thing to do would be to return it once used.

I'm just surprised at all these people running out of ingredients halfway through cooking a meal. Don't you check you've got everything you need before you start? Or adapt the recipe to suit what you do have in the fridge. Isn't that just common sense?

Borrowed a couple of times and lender has been ok for me to borrow (item not needed by them at that time). Last year borrowed my friends hedge trimmer for a weekend, ours was a petrol one and the fuel feed pipe had corroded, borrowed theirs while we waited on buying a new machine.
Borrowed family members pressure washer at our old house to clean the patio and paths, couldn't have one ourselves as didn't have space to store, since moving house we are now going to buy one.
Would happily lend friends/family something where i could.

Agree. I am very organised and have a good store of food items but always check before making something that I have all the ingredients.

I have been amazed when neighbours have asked for an onion as I would assume if you cook you have onions. I buy a big bag of onions (1 of white and 1 of red) and when they start getting low I buy more. I have never ever run out of onions.

Also things like tinned tomatoes. Never run out of them either

I'm guessing you don't have kids doing food tech at school?

The number of times halfway through cooking that I've gone to grab and ingredient I know we have only to discover Offspring X or Y "needed" it at short notice for food tech and didn't bring it home...

Also things like tinned tomatoes. Never run out of them either

This reminds me of the time DD (age 8) asked for cheese and I said "we haven't got any." Our fridge generally has between 6 and 10 types of cheese in it.
Her face was so shocked - "But Mum, how did that even happen???"

During lockdown I was so stressed about the prospect of running out of tinned tomatoes that I added and extra 2 to the shop each week. DH had to intervene and point out I'd built up a stockpile of 38 tins. It's funny the stuff you wouldn't dream of running out of.

We've got a "Library of Things" locally where you can get all sorts, especially equipment

I don't think people run out, they just want someone else to pay .
If they are genuinely in need there is a food bank and a village pantry where people drop their spare stuff in our village.
They might be asking someone who can't afford to subsidise someone else

That is fine as long as it's not the same people doing the borrowing all the time.

I don't mind lending or borrowing things like ladders or strimmers that don't get used often or don't get used up.

In my experience "borrowing" consumables normally just means "taking". I had a flatmate at uni who was constantly asking to "borrow" a slice of bread, a couple of paracetamol, an egg, etc. We lived less than 5 minutes walk from the shops. She never gave anything back and it felt ridiculous to keep chasing someone over single egg, but when it's always one-sided (and we were on student budgets) it did add up.

I don’t tend to borrow or lend (other than from the bank!) - whether it be money or objects - or ask for or offer favours.

I really like to be independent and not beholden to anyone. I don’t ask people for favours, esp not childcare, as I don’t tend to be able to return the favour.

I do have play dates for my son’s friend and don’t worry about return visits because I know people are in all different circumstances. However, I don’t like being asked for free childcare or favours unless there’s a real reason and the person tells me that reason.

My DH is almost pathologically averse to borrowing. He is extremely generous and will lend anything out at a moments notice, including from his very well stocked tool shed. But he hates being the borrower. Most recent example was when the toilet was very blocked and disaster loomed, so I urgently asked the street WhatsApp group for a plunger as we don’t have one. Lo, three neighbours came back to offer plungers within minutes.

DH bought a plunger on Amazon that very night. We haven’t needed it since, not in the decade prior to it.

When it comes to good waste, however, we’re both very happy to oblige a neighbour who has over-catered! And we’ve given away food too after we ourselves have over catered parties.

*food waste not good waste

My sister is a borrower, thinking about it. Clothes and shoes. Which she then destroys. 😡

Do all the borrowers buy their own peripherals to be able to laminate notices or is the neighbour expected to supply those too? I was once asked by a neighbour if her son could come and print some stuff off for his coursework, I said yes and left him to it, I then discovered he'd printed 4 copies of a 20 page document and he commented that the last few copies were a bit feint, the ink seemed to be running out!

Re op neighbour sounds like a taker not just a borrower. How someone can run out of an essential ingredient repeatedly can't be true. You'd know. She's just unorganised and a twat.

She was telling me the story in the style of an amusing anecdote, so I don't think she's feeling used. My father does her DIY, so I think all's balanced.