Are you a Borrower and if you are why?

[coodawoodashooda]

With the caravan borrower thread in mind, and my neighbour, why are some people so good at borrowing and asking for favours? I would always rather go without or save up until I could get whatever myself. My neighbour has terrible form for running out of main ingredients for the meals she's cooking or being short on childcare. I personally find being in someone else's personal space quite unrelaxing. If you Borrow how do you manage this without feeling embarrassed or awkward? It absolutely baffles me.

Generally, I love helping people out. Grew up as the only child to a reclusive, quite uptight, anti-social mother...I love creating a sense of warmth and community around our house - my friends, my kids friends etc - and lending/giving people stuff can happily be part of that.

However. I have one friend who is constantly asks for favours - usually for lifts/childcare around her dd (who is friends with my dd). This despite her not working (I work full time), having a far higher household income, and having a large extended family around her who could help. There was one occassion where she phoned me suggesting there was some kind of emergency and could I look after her DD one Saturday. When her husband showed up to drop the daughter off, it turned out the 'emergency' was that she wanted to go shopping!

I agree with this

Tbh since moving to England my only problem has been the fake lenders. People who offer and offer something… but then try to charge for it.

For example I like caravan holidays. A school mum bought one and approached me with an offer to use it. She’s said it’s empty anyway, I know you love the place, I don’t want anything… over and over for a year. I said no. But she pushed… I suggested then if I did use it I’d pay the share of ground rent and gas/ electric. We arranged a date. Then days before she said her mum had said she must charge people (I don’t know why her mum was now involved) and it would be £70 a night. They thought this was fair. Off peak on this essex sites I could go to the park direct and get one about £80-90 for the week! Plus I’d not have to change the sheets myself and I’d get entertainment passes thrown it. That taught me a lesson! She’s not really spoken to me since I backed out as they were ‘expecting the money’.

Another ‘lender’ insisted on a baby clothes loan. I didn’t want them. She eventually walked up to my car as I loaded the boot and dumped them in it in the work carpark. I said no! She walked off. I kept them in my boots for months, I kept saying… in hindsight I should have dumped them on her desk but I was too polite. I kept them in my loft for ages, then years later a friend saw them as we were getting an old cot down for her baby. I gave them to her. A few years after this the lender wants them back! She then, hearing I ‘stole them’, decides she wants the retail price for them all. Hundreds. I ignored, but she even came to my new place of work and total the staff she wanted to see me over stolen items (thankfully they thought she was crazy).

The woman who moved into a flat and dropped off a 2nd lawnmower and thought I’d keep it for years just because she popped it over my fence one day. It was funnily unusable by the time she wanted it for her new house because I’m not a paid storage centre and therefore haven’t sealed my shed from mice or the elements

Also MLMs, just borrow it/ try it… ha!

I know I’m ranting but the borrowers really haven’t been my issue over the years. It’s the lenders who try to force things on you that are the ones to watch.

I came off our FB group because it was annoying me so much. A woman asked for an item and I had a broken version ( small rip). She said "send a photo" and "when can you drop it off, I have nobody to help me?" No please or thank yous
This is what got me. She then messaged "???" Since I didn't message back straight away.
I messaged back saying I don't do drop offs, I don't get much help myself you see. Then I left it at that.

I don't borrow. I save for it. CFs next door broke the item borrowed from me (DH thinks they passed it round the extended family as they couldn't give it back when asked for it). Thank god they moved.

I have both the seekers and the mutually beneficial.

Neighbour on one side always on the ask. I put paid to this when she stood at the end of my yard with a backward facing neighbour accusing me of all sorts of nonsense.

Neighbour on the other side we exchange holiday pet care, Christmas cards and gardening help. She's someone I trust with a house key etc.

I offer respect to all, but I won't be walked all over.

My immediate family is similar. I just can't imagine knocking on my neighbours door to ask for a teaspoon of coffee or sending a text asking if they had any ready salted crisps. It absolutely baffles me

Funny you should post at this moment. My next door neighbour is a borrower.
She comes here regularly. She's just knocked and asked if I've got any mascarpone! Mascarpone, for goodness sake. I mean, even if I had there'd be a good reason I needed it and had bought it for a purpose. I said sorry no I haven't but they'd probably have some in the co-op up the road. Or failing that, sainsburys. I mean, mascarpone! That's the oddest yet.

Maybe she's a bit lonely? I agree mascarpone is a niche item!

We had this on my old street, it was lovely. From 'shit I'm halfway through cooking, does anyone have flour?' to 'does anyone have a drill we can borrow' to people giving away surplus catfood or kids' clothes or a type of tea they'd bought and didn't like.

Nobody took the piss, it felt like proper community. My new street isn't like that at all.

I think borrowing something you can give back in the same condition you received it in is fine...although I wouldn't ask often

No I’m not
I will lend to my neighbours on each side as they are lovely
but it’s generally stuff like a ladder or a drill
my other half went mad a a different neighbor who borrowed a really move but old screwdriver set and took ages and made excuses to give it back
( sentimental value as it was my late dads )

I am not against borrowing. I just find it very cheeky that when we said we were buying a cottage the standard reply was a variation of : "Great, that is our holiday sorted. We'll be there for three weeks starting the ___. Could you hand me the salt, please?"

We do lend to and borrow from friends and family but I feel that an entire cottage for free you can only ask from your closest relatives and only if you actually are close.

No. Other than borrowing, and lending, clothes with friends and DSis when we teenagers I haven’t borrowed anything. It changes relationships/friendships.

I have a sibling who borrows without asking and never returns the item. They wonder why people don’t see them a wonderful person

I’m one of those people who will only ask a favour when I’m completely desperate. But that also makes me one of those people who don’t like people asking me for stuff a lot. In my mind I won’t ask you if you don’t ask me, with the exception of maybe one very close friend as I trust her not to take the piss out of me.

There are lots of people though who have incredibly thick skin. Huge brass neck. I see them coming a mile off and avoid them like the plague.

Maybe she's a bit lonely? I agree mascarpone is a niche item!

She has a husband and two teenagers, and goes out regularly with friends so I don't think she's lonely. It's usually a chunk of butter or a cup of sugar she wants so mascarpone threw me a bit :)

Sounds like they were joking to me.

We aren't borrowers in our household, but our neighbours are. It wouldn't really cross my mind to ask the neighbours for something if I didn't have it, but I know that if I did ask, they'd happily lend me whatever I needed and it doesn't bother me that they sometimes as to borrow our things.

They've borrowed things from us a few times, but always in "reasonable" circumstances, such as just finishing the cheesecake and then realising they had no icing sugar, but no time to get to the shops before the guests arrived. Just little things like that, that we were happy to help with.

Like I said, although I'm not a borrower, I know that I could always knock on their door and they'd help me as much as I could. We often let each other's dogs out if the other is running late etc. We have a good relationship and I don't view them as CFs at all.

The voice of sanity!

I don't like borrowing so don't do it. I hate feeling beholden on people. I hate lending things out even more. I had a "friend" (I don't now....) who would 'borrow' and then think it was then their's for good and each time they were asked for stuff they'd drag it out returning it each time to try make you give up getting it back.

I also really look after my stuff because I can't replace it if expensive. Stuff borrowed by others often comes back battered and broken....Ever again.

I’d rather do without than ask to borrow.

I don’t like to feel beholden to someone.

PS I don’t think childcare is borrowing. There is no point being a martyr in this world. I think ask for support if you need it. Burnout is a real and no one needs to be at that point. It spirals.

I consider borrowing as physical things. Like a relative who couldn’t be bothered buying an outfit for her own brother’s wedding borrowed one of mine and ruined it. That’s why I won’t lend to them now. Yes it was gorgeous it was delicate and I was foolish to lend it.

I'd be sad to think that anyone would go without something that I could easily lend them. I'm more than capable of saying no, though, if it doesn't suit me or I think the person is likely to damage the thing.

I do feel I should clarify this with the fact that I do often "give" stuff to people who are looking though, I will purchase something for people who need stuff and not want anything back (for example my relative takes a high dose of an otc drug that the doctor won't prescribe because its cheaper to buy but there are limits to what you can buy so I pick her up packets every online shop and everytime i am in a shop that sells them to keep her topped up alongside her own purchases to ensure she's covered. I often donate to charity shops too so I'm not a complete arse. I just hate borrowing and lending things out. (having said all this there are specific people that I would lend too as I know they would look after it.)

See, I find it really sad that so many people would rather struggle or suffer in silence instead of asking for help.

I find this attitude quite unpleasant too. We teach our toddlers to share, and yet we look down upon people who borrow things. Borrow and lending and helping each other makes bonds within the community. Most of us afford most things we need for day to day life, and I believe this has lead to our interactions with our neighbours decline. When we ask each other for help(not exploiting one another unreasonably of course) rather than take pride in never asking anyone for help isolates us. It's just how I see things of course.

I am a borrower for good reasons and also a lender and an "offerer". I love it when people do take up on my offer, there peace and joy in giving which you can't have if you never want to accept anything from others. Things don't have to be price matched, they can be sentiment matched right?