Are you a Borrower and if you are why?

[coodawoodashooda]

With the caravan borrower thread in mind, and my neighbour, why are some people so good at borrowing and asking for favours? I would always rather go without or save up until I could get whatever myself. My neighbour has terrible form for running out of main ingredients for the meals she's cooking or being short on childcare. I personally find being in someone else's personal space quite unrelaxing. If you Borrow how do you manage this without feeling embarrassed or awkward? It absolutely baffles me.

Growing up with well-off family/friends, we would often "borrow" from each other but not be fussed over non-returns.

Embarrassed to say this, but I'd do this with my uni flatmates, because I'd have been absolutely fine with them doing the same. Later on after graduating, and having to pinch pennies for a while, realised why I was being seen by them as a CF. Current finances and also one's family situation growing up impact what you feel is disposable (to give away) and what isn't.

There's nowhere anywhere near where I live to rent a carpet cleaner. You'd need to travel to the nearest large supermarket which is nearly an hour away. You can get someone to come in - but it needs booking in advance and it isn't cheap.

It makes a lot more sense to ask a neighbour for borrow theirs for a few hours!

I find this notion of not sharing and helping based on the potential existence of a cf really odd - it’s a bit like not driving your car in case it gets dirty! Surely the answer is to cross that bridge when you come to it by asserting your boundaries in a completely normal adult way?

Imagine how much better life would be if we were more willing to pool our resources!

I’m not a borrower would rather go without, however, my whole family love to ask to borrow money from me alllllll theeee timeee! It actually pisses me off - and I always say no! And yet they still have balls to ask again🤷🏽‍♀️ embarrassing really

I lived in a flatshare with a 'borrower'. Actually, she was a scrounger. Instead of buying stuff she needed, she would scrounge some of mine. Six months in, I told her to buy her own. She then bitched about me being ungenerous. I'm actually very generous up to point.

No, I don't like borrowing things. I have had the occasional DVD or book foisted on me because they thought I might enjoy it, which is kind but I always feel under pressure to watch/read it as quickly as possible so I can return it. I also don't lend things because I have been stung by this in the past and either not received the item back or had to chase it.

I’m not a borrower and I really don’t like people who are. I never borrow and it makes me cringe.

I think what matters here is the distinction between being a borrower/lender, and being someone who constantly expects everyone else to come to your rescue so you don’t have to get your shit together

Imagine how much better life would be if we were more willing to pool our resources

The thing is there is no pooling in the case of CF, it's I take, you give!

No, I'm absolutely not a borrower neither are my neighbours! Yes, it has happened, needing a lemon or so, but it's so exceptional not one of us minds being asked for something! Also, in our neighbourhood, we have a HOPLR group, and that effectively is used to ask for help with something (like painting a ceiling) or borrowing an appliance most people use only occasionally, like a very tall ladder. The group is created for that goal, so if it bothers you, you just stay out 🤷🏼‍♀️

Our friends tend to pool childcare a lot, taking kids to school or picking up, lift sharing, helping out with appointments etc. it all tends to even out. Same with lending tools, or if someone needed screws or a battery I’d just give it to them.

Not sure about food though, doesn’t tend to come up! I think in an emergency fine but I wouldn’t want my neighbours constantly knocking for flour or eggs….

That’s exactly my point though, why work on the assumption that everyone is a cf? Why not just deal with them if and when they arise? It seems odd to completely avoid lending/borrowing on the basis that some mystery cf might come along.

I agree with all of this. And I’m delighted to share and even give away things all the time. Love it when I can lend to a neighbour via whatsapp or give something on local recycling groups.

And I also am lucky to be in a situation where family and close friends help each other out all the time. I’ve treated people to meals, holidays, larger presents that they’ve needed, I’ve been supported and treated at different times. Family help with childcare at their request, i help them with many other things, practical and otherwise.

So no, I’m not a “borrower”, but I borrow and lend things, often exchanging thank you gifts. And I don’t take advantage of people, but we do support one another.

This.

Me too, though it’s only really borrowing if they give it back. She borrowed a few small items and never gave them back. She’s now had very many lifts to places I wasn’t going with no offer of paying for fuel. Probably around £500 as a bit here and a bit there for food and electricity. I’ve given up on ever getting that back too. I’m a mug it seems. I’m less reluctant to lend now.

I know what you mean and most often a borrower doesn't return. I'm not a borrowers but have some occasions where I have been. When others borrow I jist expect to not see that item again without a lot of reminding, unless one of the few who genuinely returns. X

I've never borrowed things. I've loaned things in the past and if they've ever been given back they've been damaged. Mostly they've just been kept by the borrower. I neither borrow nor lend now.

How else would you ask for such things if you've just moved to an area and don't know anyone but do need to ask locally (they usually DO say please/thankyou IME, though generally not in an overdone grovelly way, just the normal way.)

I can't see anything wrong with that, they're asking, you're under no obligation to respond if you don't want to help or can't help, just ignore.

Or do you believe they should just go without until they've got the money to get such things, which for some could be a long time.

I don't tend to borrow - unless its something I've only really got one short, specific use for so do not need to own permanently.

For example, asked my sister if she had a tap spanner - she does, but had no idea where it was so I have bought one, but would have borrowed hers ideally, we don't really NEED two tap spanners between us, given the infrequency with which we fit new taps!

But every day stuff and things, no, not these days.

Back in the dark ages pre gainful self-employment and pooling our change to buy ingredients for a curry to share between three households, yes, we'd borrow and lend and pass things around. Everyone within our circle was respectful about other peoples property on the whole.

Couple of times people would try to be cheeky fuckers but they were people outside our friendship/neighbour group and such attempts did not go far before they were told to piss off.

I don't mind people asking, I do mind if they won't take no for an answer or are twats when told no.

when you get to the point of begging all shame goes out the window. That’s what they need to do to survive

Neither a lender or a borrower be. If I want something I buy it. It amazes me what things some people ask to borrow!

We borrow and lend tools with our (lovely) neighbours and certain friends and would happily give them food if needed (we have a shop v close so nobody ever asks). I’ve ‘borrowed’ and lent pet sitting and babysitting and I constantly borrow/lend/give/get things from my family. My siblings/in laws would be v welcome to stay in my (hypothetical) caravan. I wouldn’t lend anyone my car except parents/sister though as the insurance wouldnt be comp and would stress me out. We also share Netflix, I pay and wouldn’t dream of asking for money for it. One of my husbands friends gives us another subscription for free too. It’s a nice way to live. If someone is cheeky or damages/loses something they don’t get to borrow again in my book (unless it’s my mum or they apologise and replace). I did have something broken I’d lent once and a few things I’ve had to chase to get back but still it’s better to be generous and close with people than have perfectly pristine ‘things’.

I’m a lender - ( flask , solar lights, lawn mower, phone charger, paddling pool ) but equally the most amazing thing I was ever loaned was a friend’s second car whilst mine was in the garage !! I think it’s either an incredibly wealthy/ privileged world where nobody borrows- or a mean/ selfish/ materialistic one. I live in a wonderful neighbourhood, and have kind, trustworthy work colleagues and friends - cannot imagine being reluctant to lend people things as long as they are trusted - it’s not like a hedge trimmer wears out?! Why have 10 in one road ??!! It’s good for the environment/ community and common sense to lend/ borrow where practicable/ possible/ not too detrimental!

I think it’s just exhausting having to be totally on guard/asserting boundaries all the time.

also - the issue people complain about with borrowers is lending their stuff and never getting it back/ getting it back damaged. It’s a drain on time and energy to be chasing stuff up, asking for damage to fixed etc.

there’s an overhead to lending stuff- that’s why rental companies charge for the service!

it’s actually easier to say no.

I was always brought up to try not be indebted to anybody. Definitely not saying that’s necessarily a good thing, but I always avoid asking favours unless I’m absolutely desperate.