If you could go back in time and not have DC, would you?

[Winteray]

My partner and I have just turned 30 and it’s reaching that point in time where we really need to decide whether or not we want to have children. I will need IVF so a decision to TTC would involve a lengthy NHS wait list or a large investment in private fertility treatment. Very much on the fence at the moment given the state of the world and the fact we are pretty happy with my life as it is right now, equally we don’t want to have regrets in the future.

Interested to hear others views from those that went ahead and had DC!

YANBU - if I could go back in time I probably wouldn’t have had DC
YABU - I wouldn’t change it for the world

No, I definitely wouldn’t change it.

That said, I think I would have had a happy and fulfilling life if I’d opted to remain childfree.

But I don’t think other people’s feelings about parenthood will be in any way helpful to you in making this decision.

Same here, though I'm in my 50s.

Every day i give thanks not to be a parent. So does my sister. We have nice lives with lots of travel instead!

I think many of these posts, including yours, illustrate that a person’s experience of parenthood (and whether it’s positive or negative) is a lot to do with circumstances, including but not limited to:

• the number of children you have
• their ages
• their personalities
• their health
• your relationship with your child’s other parent
• how present and supportive your child’s other parent is
• how much family support you have
• your finances
• your work
• your and your partner’s health

and many more. Some of those circumstances are somewhat within our control, some are just complete luck of the draw. Some of those circumstances are temporary (ie yours, with temporary illness), some are permanent.

Of course someone who (as per a poster upthread) has two neurodiverse children and works full time in a very demanding role will probably find parenting a less pleasant experience than someone who has one neurotypical child and works 2 days a week (for example).

I don’t mean to be unkind OP because I understand why you’re asking, but it’s a bit like posting a thread asking ‘if you could go back in time, would you still get married?’ The answers to that question wouldn’t help you decide to whether to get married or not. Because people’s experience of marriage will be vastly variable depending on how their marriage turned out.

I'm in two minds really. I think a lot of it is hormonal.
Someone said to me the other day how hard the newborn stage is, sleep deprived, relentless, dirty smelly, skint, but wouldn't have it any other way!
It seems such a strange way of thinking.
I just assumed I would get married and have kids.It didn't happen for us, and after a miscarriage at 28 I didn't get pregnant again.
So our life has been happy, mainly trouble free, travelled, buy anything we want. Had good careers. I think we are closer than some couples because we haven't had the same pressures. All I seem to see and hear are my friends complaining about their kids.
We have loads of children in the family, but to be honest, I don't know what to do with kids. Probably a good job we don't have them.

Not having kids has been one of my best life decisions - have never regretted it. There is no right or wrong - just right or wrong for you - so listen to your own heart and not other peoples' or societal expectations

'Not having kids has been one of my best life decisions - have never regretted it'

Just love this - thanks for sharing. We rarely hear this perspective. Not having children can be a really positive decision and can give you a life full of good things - I'm thinking of time to take care of yourself, rather than holidays in Barbados and sports cars!

Statistics do not support the idea that childfree couples earn more - women who have their first after 33 earn 12% more than women without children and men (all ages) earn 21% more than men without children. If you have your first baby before 33 then you (on average) earn 7% less than women without children. So even then as part of a couple you are better off overall.

This supports my anecdotal look around me at work - all the highest earning people (including me and the other woman on the board) have children.

That's not a reason to have them by the way (I understand the difference between correlation and causation) but the idea that childfree people are more likely to be able to go on fancy holidays and buy whatever they want doesn't seem to be correct in reality.

Honestly? No I don't regret having them insomuch as they mean the world to me.

But... If I did it again I'd probably consider doing it differently in terms of shorter gaps between them, ages I had them etc but then the nature of genetics is that I wouldn't have had the same kids I have now if I'd done that so on balance, nope - wouldn't change a thing.

I absolutely wouldn't not want my actual children as I love them so much and I just can't imagine them not existing.
Equally had we never had them I don't think our life without children would have been miserable or unfulfilled. It would just have been different.
If you take the kids we already have out of the equation (erased them from my memory for arguments sake as this is all theoretical anyway), took me back to pre kids and said I could only have a chance to have any kids at all if I did IVF and there was no guarantee it would be successful I think I'd prefer to plan a childfree life. I'd feel like maybe it's better to embrace the good parts of not having your own kids than to set off on a path that might be very expensive (financially & emotionally) with the possibility of never having a child at the end of it anyway.

We had IVF to have our second child and I’m currently pregnant. Admittedly it’s very different with secondary infertility but it was a long journey and I thought I’d share any advice that might help. We had 4 years of no conception, 8 months of failed clomid/injection cycles, and a failed IVF cycle due to miscarriage along the way.

We did get to the point after all the pain, just before our last attempt where I thought whether this works or not, we will be happy. Admittedly we have one already so I know it’s not the same. But we had come to terms with not having a second and even saw the benefits to our lives as they were, I think similar to the way you describe loving your life already.

The IVF cycle worked and I’m eternally grateful, but it wouldn’t have destroyed me to not have had another at that point. The stakes are so high with IVF, you need to be prepared for how you will deal with it if it doesn’t work or you have a miscarriage. I found these podcasts really helpful. Particularly this episode:

open.spotify.com/episode/0LXCsVkSjo6uaUE9k2mSYv?si=F5fwJl6vQLyjQfpEKImMTw

They helped me deal with my emotions whatever happened. We planned what we would do in the event of a negative cycle. The first night: get a takeaway, watch a movie. As soon as the weekend hit: Go on a two night break to a lavish hotel. These options would lift the pain of it failing.

Indeed, after our miscarriage, I planned three holidays and we had a 6 month break. They were epic holidays and we were truly happy on them.

My advice would be to hold onto yourself and your identity. Enjoy the love you share with your other half independently from this, you are a family already. You’re more than this process. Remember who you are through it and build in contingency plans. The best of luck x

It's a completely pointless question to ask other people if what you are trying to do is make up your own mind, OP. Other people's decisions shouldn't affect yours, and there are far too many variables to make gathering data remotely meaningful in terms of your own decision.

Maybe use it like flipping a coin -- which is meant to make you grasp what you actually wanted to do anyway, regardless of heads or tails?

But how much more are they spending on child-related expenses??

This!!

I'm not sure, you'd need to consider it over a whole life earnings (and subsequent better pensions) to see which came out with more disposable earnings.

No, would have chosen to remain childless. Had one child with SEN and significant behavioural issues in infant school which was so isolating. Lots of outside intervention which was punitive rather than helpful. Plus co-parenting which an extremely abusive and manipulating exh.

Now my son's older he is great. Wouldn't swap him for anything, but he's often anxious, sad about his cognitive abilities and worried about his future and has no friends. I worry for him and can honestly see his mental health deteriorating as an adolescent and adult. I wonder if it wasn't a kindness bringing him into this very stressful world

Maybe things would have been different with a better relationship / partner. I love my son though, he is a funny, quirky, sensitive soul - but i haven't had another child - even with a great partner because the thought of repeating that early years experience

I have a big family and I wouldn't change it for the world. My children are my everything and I couldn't imagine life without me.

God no. If I could go back and never get married but keep DS exactly as he is then i would in heart beat. Its bloody hard but DS is incredible

Absolutely agree.

Not in a million years would I chose to go back and not have DS. He is the absolute light of mine and DP's life and the best thing to happen to us.

If you really are on the fence then I'm honestly not sure it's the right thing for you. Nobody can answer the question unless they have been through it. Personally I would have had more but I know people who regret it, weren't happy bringing up the children and were shocked that it would be 20 years at least of their lives before independence returned. I also know people who have children with disabilities and or SEN who have said they do regret having children. These are the extreme end of needs but it's different for everyone. I suggest if you're truly on the fence then it's maybe not for you, seriously think of all the things you could/couldn't do, what you hope to do. It's your life.

This is ridiculous. You can’t ask people who have children if they would go back and have the people they love most in the world not exist. What do YOU want, be honest with yourself.

I’m 52, never wanted children so didn’t have any. I don’t regret a thing, although I did go through some very real angst as a 30-something newlywed whether we should have a child ‘just because’ everyone around us was pregnant and/or pushing a pram (we live in a rather overcrowded market town).

I’m really glad I didn’t, but if I’d had children by accident or design I’m sure I’d be glad about that too. DH has never brought the subject up in 22 years of marriage, so I’m guessing he doesn’t regret anything either.

I would absolutely still have children. I'd have them earlier so I recovered faster, I'd do a qualification to allow me to do a higher paid job from home, part time, and I'd dump DH as soon as I'd had them (honestly, he'd be much happier single too, I'm not evil, he's just insanely selfish and childish).

I understand you need ivf to conceive, but 30 is still early days. You have time to wait a few more years and consider.

I had my first at 38 and second will come soon, I’ll be 43 a few months after. I was lucky we conceived naturally. I wouldn’t have been ready at 30, but was sure sometime around 35, not 100% sure, but more inclined towards it.

I don’t regret it for a minute and I’m so glad I didn’t wait or needed to be 100% sure as I would have missed out on the best thing that’s happened to me and that is unconditional love. How much I love my DH, I know if he were to become abusive or anything this worse , my love for him will go away. But whatever bad thing my children will do in future, even if I’d be devastated, I will always love them. That’s something I heard about before, but only experiencing it, I’ve come to realise the difference. It’s like my heart expanded 10x times.

that said, I have girl friends who are not suited to motherhood and won’t be happier with children. And that have perfectly happy lives without any kids. I don’t think they are missing out bc it’s just not for them, they won’t be suited psychologically to everything that having a child entails.

Are you saying the motherhood penalty in terms of career progression and earnings doesn’t actually exist?

We originally wanted children but it never happened despite much IVF. We do feel that we are better off financially than we would have been had we had children. I’ve been able to retire earlier (aged 58) on a better pension than if I’d had breaks to have children. We haven’t needed a bigger house so paid off the mortgage on our house some time ago. We’ve not had the expenses of childcare or of putting them through university either or of supporting them while they save for a house deposit.

Even if the earnings are more so are the expenses, so your disposable income is greater without children.