If you could go back in time and not have DC, would you?

[Winteray]

My partner and I have just turned 30 and it’s reaching that point in time where we really need to decide whether or not we want to have children. I will need IVF so a decision to TTC would involve a lengthy NHS wait list or a large investment in private fertility treatment. Very much on the fence at the moment given the state of the world and the fact we are pretty happy with my life as it is right now, equally we don’t want to have regrets in the future.

Interested to hear others views from those that went ahead and had DC!

YANBU - if I could go back in time I probably wouldn’t have had DC
YABU - I wouldn’t change it for the world

No way! Don't get me wrong - being a parent is exhausting and relentless. You also lose a lot of yourself in the early years. But I don't regret my children. They're wonderful and having them is the best decision I ever made. They bring me a lot of joy and fulfilment (and worry).

FWIW I was on the fence, I’m not quite sure what tipped me over the edge, I thought I’d hate it because I had no interest in babies or children really, but it’s so much better than I could ever have imagined!

Mi e are teens and have issues that can't be solved with cuddles so right now I wouldn't but ask me again in five years and I might have switched back. I hope so!!!

I would definitely still have mine. Hell if I could go back I'd have one or two more probably. It's different for everyone though, what's right for me might not be right for you. How do you imagine yourself when old? And imagining yourself old with kids vs old with no kids does either feel more "right"?

Definitely the best thing ever and I wasn't bothered by having them. I learnt so much about myself, changed my career, left my husband and started enjoying life. I'm not saying it's easy but having kids makes you realise your strength and capacity for love like nothing else.

Having kids is the best thing I ever did! I 100% would go back and do it again!!

No. But as I’ve got older life just seems so hopeless and pointless. I’m watching my father slowly fade away into the hell of dementia.

My children are so much like him. My eldest is 20. He’s the image of my dad. The thought of him sitting in his own filth in a care home where no one can be arsed to clean him, all alone and afraid one day makes me weep.

I have two younger children. They are so close and life can be so fucking cruel. I look at them
and think why have I inflicted this shit on them.

But then is that my depression taking? But my life is and has been a shit. And I scared they will end up feeling like me one day and have the awful experiences I’ve had. I used to think
I was enough to stop that happening. But I don’t know how long I will be here to help them.

I am 42. I didn’t always feel this way. But if I hadn’t had my children by the time I came to this conclusion about life a couple of years ago, or if I had realised this when I was younger (I’ve always suffered from depression, this isn’t recent or linked), then I wouldn’t have had them at all.

Best thing I ever did. I have one dd, also conceived via ivf when I was 27. If you need ivf I'd get things in mention now. The earlier you do it the more chance of success. As a young, naive 27'er I breezed through ivf and was lucky that it worked first time.

Go for it you won't regret it.

No, I definitely wouldn't go back in time and change it, despite the fact that unexpected events and circumstances have at times made raising my kids way harder than it otherwise would have been.

HOWEVER, that is why I think that if you are in any way on the fence, you should not go ahead and TTC. Even at the best of times, raising children is difficult and expensive. That's at the best of times. You don't get to opt out when times are more difficult. So my advise, given your hesitation, would be not to proceed at this point.

This is exactly me! It's hard

Yes, personally I would have mine again. But if you're not sure (especially in the circumstances you describe) then think very hard as they do change everything about your life!

I'm very nearly 18 years in to parenthood and wouldn't change a thing! My teenagers are fucking awesome. I definitely wouldn't change having either of them

I wouldn't change a day.

Same as @AllOfThemWitches - no regrets but I wasn’t prepared for the amount of constant low level worrying! My teen dds are now 17 and 18, both lovely girls but the worrying gives me more sleepless nights now than they ever did as babies! Have a younger ds too who at the moment is funny and uncomplicated…
wouldn’t take them back though, they’re the best thing dh and I have ever done. My pride and joy.

Having our kids is the best thing we’ve done, although I do sometimes feel a bit guilty about the shitty world we’ve brought them into.

We have a great life, a good relationship, lots of friends, great holidays etc but I think for us, without children, we wouldn’t have felt really fulfilled. Many people say they do though, one of my best friends had no children, she’s never ever wanted them and is extremely happy. You know you best!

Slush alert. I’m absolutely in awe of the human being who exists because of me. I have no idea where his talent and intellect come from but he’s definitely skimmed the cream from his parents’ gene pool. We’re no longer together but we’re both massively proud of him.

I love my daughter, she's the greatest thing to ever happen to me.

But I was 29 when I had her and only just married. I wish I'd done all the things you need to be child free for before I'd had her. I feel like I'm finally at that point in my life where I can afford holidays and experiences but to go with a 1 year old would be stressful. So we're waiting until she's older, which means we will of course be older. If we take her, we'll have to frame our experiences around her. If we don't, I'll worry about her the whole time.

So I do wish personally I'd waited. Gotten more life out the way while I was young. But hey ho. Having a child is a wild adventure in itself.

I wasn't sure I wanted kids so we thought long and hard.
Had 2. Love them both to absolute pieces, they are a daily joy and delight. Even in the tough younger years the love outweighed all the challenges.
I am giving them a good life and they are happy.

I do however worry about their long term life because I think life can be cruel and the thought of them suffering, being treated badly or struggling is hard sometimes. I worry less about my DS then my DD who is autistic and may thrive and find her niche but she has a steeper hill to climb than others so I worry she won't find a contented life and then I wonder if I did the right thing by bringing them into this world.

I think once a parent you never feel one thing anymore, everything becomes light and shade.
My kids have as much of a chance as anyone so they will likely be fine.

But it's like your heart and your oxygen are walking out onto the world and you can't protect them from everything, so it's quite a precipitous feeling sometimes.
But I love my family and enjoy them everyday.

I’d still have them but give them my name. I’d also raise them a little differently. Sure my kids are angels but their too nice and too soft and too caring, which makes them open to lots of vulnerabilities and I won’t always be around to make sure horrible people ain’t taking the piss out their good nature.

Absolutely honestly, I find this question so hard to answer. Having children comes with a burden of love so massive that it affects every decision and plan you make. I mean, not every, but it's a constant. I find the love I have for my children has dialled up my anxiety a lot, in curious little ways that weave through every part of everything. Stepping back and letting them make mistakes is SO HARD. Seeing them fail at something is hard. The constant nagging beat of 'are they okay,' 'will they be okay?' I find very gruelling.

But.

I'd have more children if I could. All of the above is NOTHING compared with the joy they bring. Having children stripped away the rubbish bits of me and turned me into a better person. For me, having my children is the best thing I've ever done. Despite my whittling anxiety, they make me so, so happy, and I'm happy trying to be the good, kind, loving and wise parent they all need.

We were really happy before having kids, but we're happier with them. Life is newer, more engaging, more interesting with children, for us. I enjoy everything more now.

Also! I never appreciated the seasons and nature as much as I do now, as a parent. I really enjoy that part

No, I have a lot of regrets about how life with children is structured here in the uk (lack of support, my career feels stuffed, both have allergies and people don't care or understand the fear) but I don't regret life with them. I'm so glad I have them in my life

Tbh I don't think you would regret either choice.
Whichever way you go you'll build happiness and fulfillment upon it.
I have built everything around my family, so much happiness.
My child free friends have created amazing lives too, there are things I have they envy and vice versa.

Be under no illusions about how tough it can be. It's a double edged thing, sometimes great and sometimes incredibly tough, especially when they are young.