If you could go back in time and not have DC, would you?

[Winteray]

My partner and I have just turned 30 and it’s reaching that point in time where we really need to decide whether or not we want to have children. I will need IVF so a decision to TTC would involve a lengthy NHS wait list or a large investment in private fertility treatment. Very much on the fence at the moment given the state of the world and the fact we are pretty happy with my life as it is right now, equally we don’t want to have regrets in the future.

Interested to hear others views from those that went ahead and had DC!

YANBU - if I could go back in time I probably wouldn’t have had DC
YABU - I wouldn’t change it for the world

I have 4 children, I’m a single mum and life can be chaotic and hard. But I still wouldn’t go back and delete them from my life.
They’re my purpose and the only rewarding thing I have in my life. My heart is full and my life is full and busy. And it’s also so happy even though it’s hard. The house is very noisy but I like it that way.

I’m guessing I would have more time and money for myself and my house would be tidy and quiet. For me that would be a bit meh.

My children are my whole heart, my world, my greatest joy. They have made my life harder in some ways, but they have made me better and happier in many more ways. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Another alternative viewpoint here. 47, don't have kids, didn't ever want kids. Absolutely no regrets. It just wasn't for us and was never on the table.

I always wanted children. I think on some level I personally would have felt unfulfilled and as though something was missing if I hadn’t had them.

However.

We had DC1 before we were fully established (we bought the family home when he was a toddler and I can’t tell you how much easier life would have been if we’d done that a couple of years before having kids). We never really quite got to that stage of feeling like you have enough money to splash out on holidays and so on before kids. We live some way from family, who would be much more hands on if we were nearer.

So if I were handed a magic time turner, I would certainly have kids again - but I would ideally plan starting a family and set things up to make the path smoother. I can also see that, with the benefit of hindsight, there are lots of ways in which we could have had a wonderful life without children.

If I could have guarantees in place that

a) I would still meet DP
b) I would be fertile/wouldn't have had a number of losses
c) They would be healthy

I would have waited to meet him/get married/buy a house and then have children.

But there aren't such guarantees in life and if nothing else had changed, I'd have no children at all.

As you already know there will be a number of things you have to go through, OP, it does make sense to try now when the chances of success are far greater than put it off until you're desperate but the odds have significantly decreased. And there's no guarantee that NHS treatment will be available at a later date - get on the list before it's withdrawn from NHS provision, that way you have the option to continue to private if it takes more than the number of attempts that are allowed/you realise that yes, you really, really do want to conceive.

I had DC for this exact reason, fear of regret once the opportunity had passed. I now have 2 and don't regret it at all. I do still pine for the freedom and peacefulness of my childless days but wouldn't change a thing.

Had my child at 36. I was a bit on the fence - I'd never really entertained the idea of having kids, mainly due to my relationship with my own mother - but husband really wanted one. So, I took one for the team.

Despite my username, I have no regrets. He's an awesome little dude who has brought so much joy into our lives, and he's the centre of our world.

It was risky though - I have vivid memories of my own mother telling me how much she regretted having children, and if she had her time again she would never have had us, and how we ruined her life and body. My biggest fear of becoming a parent was inflicting that upon a child.

Fortunately I've never felt that way (I reserve the right to change my mind when he becomes a teenager though! :P). It is hard sometimes - mainly because we have no local family or friends, so we've only had one night out in 6 years, and also because I was woefully unprepared for the sheer amount of homework kids get in primary school nowadays...)

I mean were you really expecting people on MN to say they regretted their children existing, OP?

There have been threads on that very topic previously @SleeplessInEngland, with many expressing relief they weren't the only ones to feel that way.

If I could end up with the same children but a few years later I might, as in hindsight I wish I'd built up my career more, become more financially stable and travelled more. But I definitely wouldn't not have them at all. It's very hard to regret them once you know and love them.

Wouldn’t change a thing! Any path you choose in life means you close doors to another; that’s just how it is. Now and then I pine for a nice holiday or something but largely I’m very content with my daughter and have a baby boy due in March. Just go into it as an enjoyment exercise not with a particular style or type of parenting in mind - they’re kids, not prize marrows!

It's a cliché but even though it's hard as hell sometimes, I really wouldn't change it. My little boy brings so much joy to my life and I can't imagine life without him (he's an icsi baby, and we have a naturally conceived surprise due any day now)

I would definitely have them again. I might even start earlier than I did. I was nearly 29 when I had my first.

I would not change it but I would:

Have had a longer maternity leave
Not done two major building works that coincided with both children
Not given up being Head of my Department because I felt like I was drowning- I worked for that
Got a cleaner sooner
Done whatever I could to go on more holidays
Had more external help
Understood how demanding young children are and done a lot more to be kinder to myself

I have two healthy lovely girls but my body and brain is completely broken from having children. I'm absolutely exhausted. Every day is a treadmill of school run, nursery run, meal planning, laundry, bath and bedtime and my youngest is a lunatic sleeper who wakes all the time despite sleep training and I'm completely broken. I miss travelling, going out for yummy food and I miss having time to myself. If I turned back time I wouldn't have children.

I would choose my children every time, did I miss my old life at first? yes but my life is full of joy and I wouldn't change a thing. Even my horrid choices in men I would keep because it's given me my children who I adore more than anything in the world.

I would have been unhappy without them as I definitely wanted children. I would have felt hard done by if I had struggled with infertility. At my core, yes they are the best of me.

Cliche I know, but having kids is hands down the best thing I've done in my life (and I quite like my life generally!). There is no way I would change that.

This, and no, raising my dc isn't the only thing I have achieved or am proud of, but my life would be considerably less without them.

One of the unexpected pleasures was seeing my DH become the father he is. Fatherhood has brought out sides to his character that are delightful and seeing his relationship with the kids develop has been lovely.
I think it has been the making of him and he wouldn't be as happy as he is now without them.
He's a good dad and it's lovely raising them together.

Honestly 😬. I love my dc to bits but they both have disabilities, it hasn’t been easy and for half of their lives I have been raising them alone. If I could go back I would probably chose not to have children.

I adore my DC.

They are the best thing I've ever done but I worry about the world I've brought them into.

I'm not sure their DC, if they choose to have any, will have a hospitable planet to live on.

I don't know. I really don't know.

I didn't want to get married or have children. I've done both!

Yes but it's circumstantial I think. Having dc1 triggered my pre existing ptsd and then I ended up with postpartum psychosis which was terrifying. I got pregnant again and then my dad died just before dc2 was born.

I don't think I've been truly happy since I became a mum. I try for the kids but my psychosis cost me my career, my self esteem is zero and I still have nightmares combining the original cause of my ptsd with dc1's arrival. All my efforts go into trying to keep them safe/happy and wondering what age they'd cope without me.

No, not at all. She's amazing. It's an absolute cliche but she is my little best friend. I am so proud of her.

However, I do regret the man I chose to father her.. but I'm aware that's not the question you are asking. It's also not a hard no from me, as I found the first 2 years incredibly tough. I am not naturally maternal. Do not underestimate how much parenthood will change your life. Sleep, career, finances, free time, relationships. For someone who had zero experience with babies, I was so unprepared for what was coming.

A good friend once said to me, your life before kids compared to your life after kids is not better or worse, it's just different. It's true.

I have lots of childfree friends, they are very happy with their lives and I definitely believe you can have a fulfilling life without children.

I wish you luck with your decision. x

I would have just wanted them later- around your age actually. But if that wasn't a choice then no way would I get rid of them. They are my purpose now.

I love them, but if I had my life again, I'd be child free.