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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you could go back in time and not have DC, would you?

149 replies

Winteray · 23/01/2023 13:46

My partner and I have just turned 30 and it’s reaching that point in time where we really need to decide whether or not we want to have children. I will need IVF so a decision to TTC would involve a lengthy NHS wait list or a large investment in private fertility treatment. Very much on the fence at the moment given the state of the world and the fact we are pretty happy with my life as it is right now, equally we don’t want to have regrets in the future.

Interested to hear others views from those that went ahead and had DC!

YANBU - if I could go back in time I probably wouldn’t have had DC
YABU - I wouldn’t change it for the world

OP posts:
peachgreen · 23/01/2023 16:31

I adore my DD and don't regret her at all, despite unexpectedly becoming a single mum after DH's death. BUT I do also know that I could have had an equally but differently happy life if I hadn't had her. It's not the only true path to happiness. It's probably not even the easiest and quickest! Life is what you make of it either way.

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 23/01/2023 16:34

I would not have had children, no. You can have an incredible life without them. I absolutely would not consider a baby now. The planet really is screwed. The future is bleak for them.

BucketofTeaMassiveCake · 23/01/2023 16:37

It's the 'road not taken' though, isn't it? You can't possibly know how you'd feel if you'd acted differently.

mydogisthebest · 23/01/2023 16:41

I think you should only have children if you are certain you want them. Also far better to regret not having them than regret having them.

Me and DH chose not have any and have never, even for a second, regretted that decision. We live in a pretty shit very overpopulated world and it is going to get much worse with climate change, rising sea levels, food shortages etc.

Over the years so many woman with children have told me although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any/

One poster said "you won't regret having children" which is utter bullshit because many many women and men do

America12 · 23/01/2023 16:48

No I definitely wouldn't have had children.
I'm envious of people who have decided not to.

AnchovyInCowlNeck · 23/01/2023 16:50

Hotelfoxtrot · 23/01/2023 13:53

You absolutely cannot base this decision from other people’s wishes/retreats. That’s madness.

I agree

Zanatdy · 23/01/2023 16:51

I don’t think anything could replace that moment where your longed for child is placed in your arms. It’s not easy, but for me the plus outweigh the negative

KimberleyClark · 23/01/2023 17:02

OP , we had fertility issues and IVF - years of IVF - and it didn’t work. IVF was really shit for us - everything that could go wrong did. If I could have my time over I would not bother with it. I would just crack on with my life. We are living a fab childfree life right now.

I don’t want to put you off having it, but once you get on that treadmill it can be hard to get off it. If you don’t have a really desperate want for children and you are happy as you are perhaps it’s best to leave it.

thegreenlight · 23/01/2023 17:25

I have two neurodiverse children, 6 and 9. It’s really hard going. I love them with all my heart but only had them because DH gave me an ultimatum. I do everything for them but it’s like being a slave as they can’t do anything themselves. If I’m honest, I’d much rather be childless and enjoying holidays. DH and I barely have time for each other and are too exhausted at the end of the night to be intimate which causes resentment. I work full time in a demanding role though, maybe if you can work part time or SAHM and have neurotypical kids you might really enjoy it.

JanBack · 23/01/2023 17:39

I don’t know how many of the people voting haven’t had kids & don’t regret it rather than had them & would take it back.

I am one of the very very few people I know / have read opinions from in MN who truly regret having children.

I love the kids I’ve got but if I could go back in time & make those TTC decisions again, I absolutely wouldn’t. I dream about a child free life & try desperately to make sure mine don’t realise it.

HotSauceCommittee · 23/01/2023 18:35

I don't regret my children, but I regret bringing them into this world.

Purplebunnie · 23/01/2023 18:42

Best thing I ever did as I regularly tell them. They are 32 and 28

ridemesideway · 23/01/2023 18:51

For the first few years of being a mum I regretted it, but I was also suffering from pretty bad PND. Once I started to recover things changed massively and now I’d have my DS a million times over.
I had a really great life before but having him has opened up a whole world I’d never have experienced if I’d never had him.
I’m so glad I’m his mum. He makes me laugh every day, reminds me to engage my playful side and I learn from him. It’s brilliant.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 23/01/2023 19:07

Absolutely not. My dc are both teens now and my only regret is not having more while I was still young enough. They make me laugh every single day, even with their cheek.

My dm passed away recently and it was horrendous, but the care and maturity my dc showed absolutely astounded me. We are so very lucky to have them. They are the best thing I’ve ever done but can’t take credit for - their specialness is all them.

Hello12345678910 · 23/01/2023 19:23

No, I wouldn't not have him, I wouldn't change it at all (he's 9 months old)

However.. if I'd known how things would shoot up in price I probably would have waited (I was 30 when i got pregnant)

I doubt we will have a second - myself and partner don't have a bad combined income, our mortgage is small at the moment; but so is the interest rate. If that goes up - combined with childcare, rising gas/electric & food.. we would struggle to provide (what I believe is) a good standard of living for our existing child. And that makes me super sad 😔

Simonjt · 23/01/2023 20:37

I would always pick the option of having children, but I wanted children, I wasn’t on the fence umming and ahhing, I knew what I wanted in my future. I would say people who are unsure are probably better off deciding against having children.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/01/2023 20:44

I was on the fence and have been so happy as a parent. Some people who really want it can have expectations to meet, I was completely open to what the experience would be like so I think that made some aspects easier. My choice to have kids was after a lot of thinking (because I was on the fence) so it wasn't an accident but parenting after sitting on the fence a long time is also great ime

Blueisthecolor · 23/01/2023 21:28

Absolutely not! They make life feel fulfilled but Ofcourse it's knackering and hard work. They are the best little people and I love spending time with them.

I feel like all my adult life was one big plan for the end result of having a family. Examples, I want to buy a house, get a gd job (so I can go part time when I have kids), be married, get a bigger house in prep for kids etc.

RampantIvy · 23/01/2023 21:34

BUT I do also know that I could have had an equally but differently happy life if I hadn't had her. It's not the only true path to happiness. It's probably not even the easiest and quickest! Life is what you make of it either way.

That's exactly How I feel @peachgreen. I'm sorry you lost your DH early Flowers

I feel sorry for women who pin all their hopes of happiness on having children.

KimberleyClark · 23/01/2023 21:40

I feel sorry for women who pin all their hopes of happiness on having children.

To be fair society does condition us to believe we can’t be truly happy without children. It’s called pronatalism and it’s interesting to read about.

Lottapianos · 23/01/2023 21:47

'To be fair society does condition us to believe we can’t be truly happy without children. It’s called pronatalism and it’s interesting to read about'

Couldnt agree more. It makes it very difficult to separate out what you actually want from what you're told you 'should' want

Magentax · 24/01/2023 09:45

I think you should only have children if you are certain you want them. Also far better to regret not having them than regret having them.

I don't agree with your first sentence. I think being unsure is much more of a general indicator of personality than any sign of whether or not you'll like being a parent. I am chronically uncertain about everything but I am extremely glad I took the plunge. Second point is right though!

DolphinNosePotato1 · 24/01/2023 09:50

My answer may be influenced by the fact that all 3 of mine (all under 6) are currently ill, I am ill and my husband is working away. The baby had me up every hour in the night and my other 2 were also in bed with me and it was just an absolute nightmare of a night.

I adore my children. They are the best thing I’ve ever done and I love and enjoy and appreciate them. But it’s hard. So hard. Some days, like today I do think if I could go back, with no knowledge or memory of them I would. I miss being able to only think of my own needs.

templesit · 24/01/2023 10:00

100% no regrets, was the best thing I ever did- after years of not wanting them. Whole life changer but worth every second.

Minteraye · 24/01/2023 10:06

I voted YABU (ie pro kids) but that’s because I don’t have kids and wanted to see the answer ☺️