If you could go back in time and not have DC, would you?

[Winteray]

My partner and I have just turned 30 and it’s reaching that point in time where we really need to decide whether or not we want to have children. I will need IVF so a decision to TTC would involve a lengthy NHS wait list or a large investment in private fertility treatment. Very much on the fence at the moment given the state of the world and the fact we are pretty happy with my life as it is right now, equally we don’t want to have regrets in the future.

Interested to hear others views from those that went ahead and had DC!

YANBU - if I could go back in time I probably wouldn’t have had DC
YABU - I wouldn’t change it for the world

I've had a great life and my husband and kids are the absolute best bits about it!

No one can answer this question for you.

Honestly, I would always advise people on the fence to not bother. I was meant to have children, I always wanted it, dreamed of it, would have been distraught if I couldn't. But even so the extent to how much my life had to change was a huge shock. Nothing will prepare you. So if you are on the fence about totally changing the course of your life to the point of no return... I probably wouldn't

It’s difficult.

If I could go back in time knowing what I know now about how hard parenting is, I probably wouldn’t do it again. But that being said, I’d never wish away DS now he’s here.

Best decision of my life

Oh wow this feels a really awful question to me personally as I absolutely could never ever imagine a life without my children.

And I have no judgement at all towards women who feel differently in fact I feel really sad that some women have no support, financial worries or awful co-parent etc that leads them to feel this.

my children are my absolute world. I adore every inch of them and they bring me so much joy. I’ll get slated for being soft or ridiculous or over bearing but it’s genuinely how I feel.
And they haven’t been without dramas- one is in fact disabled and has had a lot to contend with. And no I’m not sat at home devoting my entire existence to them I have a happy marriage and friends and a job I love. But I can’t imagine any of that making sense to me without my kids having existed. They make me smile every single day and it’s such an all encompassing love that they feel as much part of me as when I was pregnant.

And I will add that I was never a child who grew up desperate to be a mum and was very academia and career focused when younger and waited quite a while to get married and then to get pregnant as I wasn’t in a burning rush to do it. I sort of fell into it as an expectation of myself and a well why not. And I’m so very glad I did.

Very much on the fence at the moment given the state of the world and the fact we are pretty happy with my life as it is right now, equally we don’t want to have regrets in the future.

People who reply to say that they can't imagine their life without their kids etc etc, are probably the ones who had children BECAUSE they couldn't imagine their life without them, rather than being on the fence about them, if that makes sense. It's not really comparable.

I loved my child free life and travelled the world. But I absolutely adore life with my son and wouldn’t change it for anything.

I was pretty on the fence about whether to have children. Then had DS and regretted it for about the first 18 months or so now he's 8 and I love having him in my life. I enjoy his company, as well as loving him fiercely. It's improved my life hugely but I only have one, have loads of support and plenty of money. I work full time and my husband does most of the domestic stuff. So I am reasonably unusual I suppose.

My children are adults now. I can honestly say that they have been the source of some of the very best times in my life and some of the very worst. I wouldn’t wish them away but it’s true what they say “you’re only as happy as your least happy child”.

No way, they're amazing. I wish I had had more when I was a bit younger!

I was very seriously on the fence for many years. I knew deep down that parenthood probably wasnt for me, but I still longed for a family of my own, and grieved that loss deeply

I'm 43 now, I don't have children, and I'm as sure as I can be that it was the right decision. I still feel a bit raw about it, and have the odd wistful moment. There are no guarantees in life, and no one can promise you that you won't have regrets, whichever path you take.

If you're on the fence, then think hard about what is pulling you in each direction. Also, how much do you know about children, what they need, how your life would change (forever) if you did become a parent? I worked with children for 20 years so had absolutely no rose coloured specs about what was involved! That definitely helped me to make my decision

As others have said, no one can make this decision for you. It's a huge one. Good luck x

That's interesting, I was once on the fence because I was an overthinker, overworrier, overanalyser because of my childhood.

However, deep down I was also a softy and luckily for me I love having children.

What i'm saying is if you're on the fence like I was because of unknowingly having other issues, you might not want to write yourself off.

Just another perspective.

My thoughts entirely!

No I wouldn't I love her but I wouldn't have coped with more than 1 DC. Also the worry you want to fix everything for them and you can't. That's the only negative thing for me.

I feel there is something in life that you just don’t get until you have kids. Mine are my greatest achievement and my greatest love affair. They are the hardest work you have ever done, they suck the energy out of you, you constantly worry about them and you are constantly skint. But I wouldn’t be without mine.

Having children is the single best thing I ever did, they bring me genuine joy every single day and I would lay down my life for them in a heartbeat. The only thing I wish I had done differently is start having kids earlier and had more!

I had mine young and if I'm honest if I had my time over I doubt of I would have

I love them dearly , they are my world. But blimey the stress !

Nobody can answer this for you. If everyone says yes, that doesn't mean you have the same health and financial and social/support and living circumstances as them, which affect parenting dramatically. That doesn't mean you'll have the same children. Your situation is entirely unique - their responses are in no way an indicator you'll feel the same.

Why do you want children? What circumstances are you having children in?

And then - what do you consider a good reason to have children? What circumstances feel right to do so for you?

Are these answers the same? If yes, then do it.

My friend had a baby because she thought it was the 'next step'. She's since said she thinks this was a bad reason to have a kid and while she loves them very, very much, she wouldn't make the same decision again.

A different friend had children because she wanted a big family like her own was growing up and was willing to put up with the more difficult parts for that experience, and she loves parenthood. I'm sure she'd make the same decision again.

Interesting- my two are grown up now. DH and I have been together for over 40 years. I think we would have had a good life without children. Lots more money and less to worry about. However we love them both so much- they have brought joy ( and pain ) to our lives over the years.

They are the best thing I have ever done or will do.

Having DD is one of the best things I did. Having a child doesn’t define me.

The only thing i don't like about having kids is the constant worry. So no, I wouldn't change it but I wish they came with a guarantee or something.

I agree. DD is 22, and I can confirm that you never top worrying about your DC. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to go through the teenage years again.

In answer to the OP, I was ambivalent about having DC, and when I was told that infertility would mean it was nigh on impossible I just decided to get on with my life. Then I got pregnant unexpectedly at 41. I love DD to bits, but my life wouldn’t have been better or worse if I hadn’t had a child, just different. I had a fulfilling life before I got pregnant so I neither regret having her nor worry that my life would have been pointless if I hadn’t.

Same. I look at the world around me and I'm so glad I didn't have children.

I've never regretted it or wished I'd had them.

My two kids are great and I love them more than anything. It was a struggle to have them. They were desperately wanted.
But, if I knew what I know now, I wouldn't have had them. Obviously the state of the world is a factor but the toll it has taken on me physically and mentally has been very hard to cope with.

I had a lovely life before kids and wish I could go back to it.

I should have stopped at 3. Number 4 is the hardest thing I have ever done and regret them completely.