Now I aint saying she's a golddigger...

[FeelingGoodAsHelll]

Hello all

My title is exactly how I am being made to feel right now.

Me and my husband are currently separating - we aren't legally separated just yet - we need to agree on minute of agreement which will be issued hopefully soon - his solicitor is drawing them up.

We bought out house 2 years before getting married. My STBXH paid the deposit (around 25k). I had just finished uni at that point and was in a trainee role.. so my salary was peanuts for a while. His parents gifted £5k to US (no paperwork, nothing) a few years back and paid towards some of our wedding too. Again, it was to US, no paperwork.

My STBXH, as he earns x4 my salary, decided to overpay the mortgage every month, as he could afford to, and wanted to reduce our mortgage quickly etc. I didnt overpay as I had a lower salary and couldnt afford to. The mortgage / bill split was probably 70/30 (me paying 30, I didnt decide this split, he put everyhthing into a spreadsheet which worked out what we should both pay, his idea).

We verbally made an agreement that I could keep something (I wont say what as it will be very outing) if I dont touch his pension & savings account. He also wanted me to give back his deposit, which I intially agreed but house prices are high so I said no that I wanted the house split 50/50 as per title deeds. He agreed. He then came over a few days ago and told me that he wanted me to agree to not touch anything in his personal bank account (I said I wouldnt, why would I?!). He then said that he wanted x, y, z item from the house added to this "list". I started to get annoyed as this list is getting bigger and bigger and all I wanted was one thing.

Anyway, he said he would buy me out, and pay me half the house, he told me the figure he could afford. Home report came back below this figure (by quite a bit). He now tells me he can't afford it, despite telling me the bank has agreed to lend him the money. He then asked if I would decrease my share. I asked by how much. He then said he wanted all overpayments, his deposit, and all monetary gifts his mum and dad deducted from my share. I told him that we should just sell the house if he can't afford to buy me out, he is reluctant to do this.

I Told him he was taking the piss and that he wont be happy until I walk away with nothing. He profoundly apologised, said he would move money around to get the funds (So he can afford it). I then picked a solicitor who told me that my verbal agreement was rubbish and that she wanted to see all bank accounts, savings, pensions to see what I am legally entitled to. I disagreed but she was quite adamant. I gave my STBXH the heads up about this to which he said, "if you or your solicitor ask any questions, or try and take my pension or savings, the fighting gloves will come on and mud will be thrown... youll walk away with a lot less than 50%, you'll regret it".

In the meantime, he keeps telling me to put offers on properties so I can move out asap but I can't as I don't know what my deposit will be. He keeps telling me to get a mortgage in principle, which I have but they are really low as I am putting down the worst case scenario, i.e. if I do end up with nothing. He told me that he won't give me my share of the money until I give my keys back to him (if he buys me out). I offered to move into my dads, so I can get this money and move on, but asked if I could keep bigger furniture in our house (my dads house is tiny) until I move in my own house, he said no, once I move out, I cant come back. I feel like he is pressuring me. My solicitor said he is bullying me and I should call bluff on the thing he has promised that I can have if I dont touch x, y, z.

I only want 50/50 split on house and the promised thing. However, I feel he is being unfair and pressuring me.

AIBU??

This split was mutal!!

Because they were gifts given to them both with no conditions attached. They should butt out.

Oh most definitely! That's MN for you.

He is utterly ridiculous.

He doesn't understand that YOU are the only party who is actually equipped to fight dirty.

He has no legal record of who put in what for the house deposit, his monthly mortgage overpayment was voluntary, & you could go for half of ALL his assets - not just half the house.
He doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Do NOT counter this yourself - leave it to your lawyer. She will be able to negotiate from very strong position.
"My client reports that you wish to fight over custody of the dog.
She will agree to taking just 50% of the house value AND full ownership of the dog.
OR she will fight for the dog, & 50% of the house value, 50% of your savings, & 50% of your pension."

Your lawyer will word it better than that! But by making this clear, he will soon see that if he wants to keep his pension & savings intact, he needs to stop throwing his weight around & start realising that he has nothing to negotiate with, so needs to accept your offer.

I’m going through this exact same thing.

Be prepared. All the things that were wrong with your marriage, and all his behaviours that made you want to leave him, will now be on steroids.

If he was an emotional bully or controlling, then during this divorce he will be even more of an emotional bully and even more controlling.

He will see you getting a solicitor as lessening his ability to control you. I have had to learn the hard way, and my mantra has to be ‘what do I want?” because for years his wants took precedence over my own. It’s weird but you have to get to a stage when what he thinks, and how he will react just doesn’t register anymore.

My STBXH has pulled out every trick in his repertoire to get me to agree to the stuff he wants. He even says he still loves me, but every action and word is all about the money.

I have had to move out of our shared home for the simple reason he was mindfucking me with his continual demands by word, text, emails and even letters.

What I should have done from the off is insist all discussion is done through the solicitor. I’m about to submit Form E, then I think we will need a mediator to argue the toss over division of assets.

Think of it as you being a child of 10 being bullied at the park by a bigger 15 year old boy. Your solicitor is just like you having your older brother, sister or mum or dad by your side.

Please listen to your solicitor and not your husband. Your STBXH is no longer your friend.

Emotions are running high as expected but you’re getting involved in way too much drama - he did/didn’t say this, that or the other thing; his parents said X; he said Y and now is saying Z.

All irrelevant. Take a huge step back and only talk to your solicitor. Get a full picture of all assets and your likely share and then decide if you want to negotiate for anything and what you might be willing to give up for it. Anything other than that is just noise and is not doing you or him any favours.

She’s not a cocklodger. She was working but earned less (I’m guessing he was older) so paid proportionally what she could afford.

You are very naive and clearly under the control of this man.

Stop acting as if they dog is so important to you. He is using that to manipulate you.

It is in his interests to walk away from this situation with as much as possible and it sounds like he’s getting greedier by the hour.

Insist on the first agreed figure. If he disagrees tell him from that moment onwards all communication regarding finances will be through your lawyer.

Then stay away for two nights whilst he mulls over your proposal.

im not say go all the way to court and blow your cash on the lawyers but at least find your back home and make a stand!!!

Back bone!!!!

OP is not legally entitled to 50%.

50% is the starting point for negotiation in divorce.

OP is legally entitled to whatever the court decides she is legally entitled to. Which could be anything from 0% to 100% depending on the circumstances.

Another one where a revolting man would get totally different responses to a wonderful woman 😂.

Let the solicitor sort it OP. And next time you get married then definitely pay the house deposit, pay the lions share of the bills and see how you feel when you have to split things 50-50 when your husband ends the relationship.

You’re not a gold digger, you’re entitled to 50% but I can see why he’s feeling a bit pissed off!

yeah, because PP respond to the person posting, not their partner.

This OP is already prepared to walk away from the 50% pension & savings she could be entitled to. Her ex is playing silly buggers, bullying her, making threast he can't substantiate, & using her love for the dog as a tactic. She's entitled to take 50% so she can set herself up again, post divorce.

To get the financial order signed off by a judge you both have to declare all your assets. There’s a standard government form to complete. I’m sure your solicitor would be planning to ask you to complete it plus ask his solicitor to get him to complete this. Given you are already acrimonious there’s probably little point in trying to reach agreement before doing that.

I don’t think she can say because it’s too outing.

I would add up everything house, pension, savings split 50/50 and tell him that's what you could take.

Then take the solicitors advice

If the situation were reversed, the wife was the higher earner and had funded most of the mortgage, MN would be telling her he’s a cocklodger. How is this different ?

Do not trade your entitlement to 50:50 marital assets for the dog. That pension is worth something as is whatever savings he’s got!

Marriage is a legal partnership, both parties go in knowing that any property will be split between them if they separate. Op's dh knew he was the higher earner going in, if he had posted on here before his marriage he would have been advised to protect his assets in the event of a split regardless of his sex.
Also op is only looking for 50% of their home, she would be looking for half his money and pension if she was truly grabby.

Listen to your solicitor.

Stop talking to your ex, that's my advice.

100%.

Was literally a thread on this a week or so ago where woman was higher earlier and deposit paid by her and everyone was saying he was a dick for taking his legal share.

Why are you hurt ? They only want what they gave to go back to their son ? I would be the same if it was one of my kids. His put in way more than you. I think 50/50 would be very generous of him tbh

The law will say what you are entitled to. Personally, I think it is morally wrong to take back substantially more than you've put in - it isn't that you've taken a back seat to bring up children - you've had equal opportunity to earn money during the marriage. I am not, obviously, the law, but you wanted opinions and that is mine. I agree with pps who say the trend of advice would be different if OP were the higher earner.

Don’t believe everything your STBXH tells you.

Mine said that three people had told him my solicitor was “hard-nosed”, they were; a neighbour, his accountant and his solicitor.

I asked the neighbour, she’d never even heard of my solicitor.

I accept that having a hard nosed solicitor isn’t a bad thing, but he knew that would upset me because then I would be seen as “trying to take him to the cleaners’ eg a gold digger, when that is not the sort of person I am.

I have realised while we were living in the same house, if I tried to be amicable he would then escalate his demands. The only way to stop him was to literally avoid him at all costs which is why I’ve had to move out.

So she’s very happy for the “proportion” mindset when she’s on the benefitting side but not the other side? That’s called being a hypocrite…and a gold digger. I agree with PP that if OP were the man and the ex were the woman then the judgement on this thread would be untenable.

He is an idiot for not drawing up something that would protect his parents money they gave him and his bigger share of the deposit.

Yet you wanted to share custody and it was him who suggested you could have the dog full time.

It wasn't an attack. Just take the dog out of the equation.

Could your dad have the dog until the divorce is finalised? Tell STBXH that it's not fair for the dog to be used as a bargaining chip so he's with someone who can care for him.

Then when you've sorted where you're living you can have the dog and there's no recourse possible for him.