Now I aint saying she's a golddigger...

[FeelingGoodAsHelll]

Hello all

My title is exactly how I am being made to feel right now.

Me and my husband are currently separating - we aren't legally separated just yet - we need to agree on minute of agreement which will be issued hopefully soon - his solicitor is drawing them up.

We bought out house 2 years before getting married. My STBXH paid the deposit (around 25k). I had just finished uni at that point and was in a trainee role.. so my salary was peanuts for a while. His parents gifted £5k to US (no paperwork, nothing) a few years back and paid towards some of our wedding too. Again, it was to US, no paperwork.

My STBXH, as he earns x4 my salary, decided to overpay the mortgage every month, as he could afford to, and wanted to reduce our mortgage quickly etc. I didnt overpay as I had a lower salary and couldnt afford to. The mortgage / bill split was probably 70/30 (me paying 30, I didnt decide this split, he put everyhthing into a spreadsheet which worked out what we should both pay, his idea).

We verbally made an agreement that I could keep something (I wont say what as it will be very outing) if I dont touch his pension & savings account. He also wanted me to give back his deposit, which I intially agreed but house prices are high so I said no that I wanted the house split 50/50 as per title deeds. He agreed. He then came over a few days ago and told me that he wanted me to agree to not touch anything in his personal bank account (I said I wouldnt, why would I?!). He then said that he wanted x, y, z item from the house added to this "list". I started to get annoyed as this list is getting bigger and bigger and all I wanted was one thing.

Anyway, he said he would buy me out, and pay me half the house, he told me the figure he could afford. Home report came back below this figure (by quite a bit). He now tells me he can't afford it, despite telling me the bank has agreed to lend him the money. He then asked if I would decrease my share. I asked by how much. He then said he wanted all overpayments, his deposit, and all monetary gifts his mum and dad deducted from my share. I told him that we should just sell the house if he can't afford to buy me out, he is reluctant to do this.

I Told him he was taking the piss and that he wont be happy until I walk away with nothing. He profoundly apologised, said he would move money around to get the funds (So he can afford it). I then picked a solicitor who told me that my verbal agreement was rubbish and that she wanted to see all bank accounts, savings, pensions to see what I am legally entitled to. I disagreed but she was quite adamant. I gave my STBXH the heads up about this to which he said, "if you or your solicitor ask any questions, or try and take my pension or savings, the fighting gloves will come on and mud will be thrown... youll walk away with a lot less than 50%, you'll regret it".

In the meantime, he keeps telling me to put offers on properties so I can move out asap but I can't as I don't know what my deposit will be. He keeps telling me to get a mortgage in principle, which I have but they are really low as I am putting down the worst case scenario, i.e. if I do end up with nothing. He told me that he won't give me my share of the money until I give my keys back to him (if he buys me out). I offered to move into my dads, so I can get this money and move on, but asked if I could keep bigger furniture in our house (my dads house is tiny) until I move in my own house, he said no, once I move out, I cant come back. I feel like he is pressuring me. My solicitor said he is bullying me and I should call bluff on the thing he has promised that I can have if I dont touch x, y, z.

I only want 50/50 split on house and the promised thing. However, I feel he is being unfair and pressuring me.

AIBU??

This split was mutal!!

50% of the lower, correct, valuation?

I honestly dont know what his pension is - provider, amount he pays in, I never asked. His savings.. I don't know either. This was always his personal savings, not joint. I never wanted these two things. If I was a golddigger, I would have been on top of all of these details and dipping into our joint account, which I never did.

Can you now see why I advised you to stop all unnecessary comms with him?

You can co-exist in the property without engaging on anything at all except "don't forget it's bin day" type information.

Asking him for details of the mud is like asking him for a kicking.
There is no mud, he just wants you to fret & he is talking shit.
He holds NO cards here. I can see his point about unfairness of the relative contributions to the deposit & mortgage, but you have agreed not to go after his pension & savings as a compromise, so he needs to be happy with that.
The fact that he is unhappy is immaterial in law.

Whether he wants to get into a fight by saying "he said this, she said that" is ALSO immaterial.
He is just trying to make you nervous. The court doesn't care who said or did what. Neither do your lawyers, or any mortgage company. Let him spout his bullshit - ignore him & walk away. There is NO benefit (but significant legal/emotional risk) in you continuing to engage with this stupid little man. He is all hot air. Treat him as such.

Your solicitor’s job is to get you as much as possible, not to get you what is fair. They’d get you 100% of everything if they could. If you want an amicable split then you should keep in mind that your solicitor works for you and have some self-control. He’s put in a lot more than you have. Sometimes that’s fair if one party put in more financially but the other put more in in other ways but it doesn’t sound as though you have. Legally, he should’ve tried better to protect his assets, that doesn’t mean it’s morally right that you get them but that’s what marriage is. It sounds like you want to punish him for trusting that your marriage would last instead of planning for it to fail.

You’re entitled to 50% but, yeah, it makes you a gold digger.

Yes, 50% of the valuation.

The gifts from his family weren't to both of you - they were to him and the person who happened to be his partner at the time. They would have almost certainly given the same has hebeen with someone else.

Honestly, legally you're entitle to 1/2 and it looks like that's what you're going for so good luck - but I can see why he and his family are upset when they have paid so much more in

Your divorce is quickly turning acrimonious, it is highly unlikely you will be friends after the split given that threats are already flying around. You would be better off leaving all discussions to your solicitor and ignoring his threats.

A dog, presumably.

How am I a golddigger??
If I were, I would be telling my solictor to crack on, I'd be calling him bluff and telling him I was going for 50% of everything, I havent.

“You’re entitled to 50% but, yeah, it makes you a gold digger.”

You are entitled to 50% as a starting point but a court might decide otherwise. Go with the legal process and ignore accusations that you are being a gold digger. What do you care anyway? It’s not like you will ever see these people again!

She isn't a goldigger. This is point in marriage.
One he would've been well aware of and signed up to.

Well, it is a pet, yes.
We own her jointly.
He is refusing to agree that I am the owner but at the same time is having nothing to do with dog. Since moving out he hasnt seen him, walked him, when I have asked advice about the dog he has told me to get the advice elsewhere.
So yes, its the dog. If I touch any of his finances he will go after the dog and get full ownership of him and throw mud at me

Ok well that’s not how I read the post but that’s broadly fair. If he were a woman he’d get a mix of advice, a lot saying he was entitled to his deposit back but a lot also saying legally he wasn’t.

long relationship. No kids. 50/50 (broadly) feels fair.

He put all the deposot in, plus £5k from his parents, and paid 70% of the mortgage to your 30%, and now you want half?

Well legally you’re stories tonejat you’re entitled to ams your solicitor is best placed to advise on that.

Morally, I feel it’s very unfair and if I knew you irl I’d think you were pretty disgusting for going for 50%. Especially as there are no children involved.

I think you are being more than reasonable by just wanting half of the house and your one thing. He should be grateful you're not going for half of everything with his pension and savings. You hold the power here and not him - that's why he's being an ass.

Don't leave the house.

Also - the judge can send back the consent order and not grant it if they believe it to be unfair. He will have to give the court his financial details in the consent order. He could fuck himself over by giving you less than half the house.

You're not a gold digger. X

We don't know how you both organised payments and spending apart from the mortgage.
We don't know what your pension pot is like.
We don't know what work each have you did on the home. Perhaps you renovated and hugely increased the value.
we don't know if you beggared yourself trying to keep up with your share of his profligate lifestyle, when you'd have managed on a much smaller budget if you'd been single.

We just don't know, so can't say what's fair.

Do what your solicitor says, communicate through her. Until the numbers are collated, you have no idea what's fair.

That depends if you've only been married a couple of years or so, then you do look like you're trying to profit off their hard eared money. 25 years and kids then it needs to be more 50/50 including what they contributed.

OP listen to your solicitor, they are there to help you. Dont let him and his family get in your head. He obviously has a huge savings account he's trying to hide from you (and has hidden from you for the duration of your marriage it seems because you don't have a clue about it).

Ignore the threats and goldigger shite being spouted by him and his family. They're trying to get in your head and it sounds like it's working.

Listen to your solicitor. I'm sure they'll uncover some complete lies from him and maybe you'll start being less concerned about protecting him.

Imagine it reversed.

You've paid all of the deposit and the lions share of mortgage repayments to support your partner while they were in a trainee role. They then decide to end the relationship and want half of what you paid the majority into - would you be ok with that?

But they used to give us money here and there to "put towards your mortgage".
They have since asked for their "wedding gift" to be deducted aswell.

Should we get a list of all family and friend and deduct all monetary gifts they gave us? It seems to be getting ridicuolos now.

Tell your solicitor the pension and personal account are out of bounds and everything else is fair game.

Let your solicitor do their job, do their research and provide their advice on what you will be entitled to under the law. Up to you then whether you take the advice. Maybe she feels you are being coerced and could regret it later.

Do not be pressured into leaving your home before things are finalised. Stop engaging with ex.

He's not a victim, he chose to enter into a legally binding contract.
He was responsible for his choices and overpayments etc.

if he didn't want her to get her legal entitlement then he should have acted accordingly

Why not go for the maximum? You can always give some back to him/his parents later if you think it's the right thing to do.