Now I aint saying she's a golddigger...

[FeelingGoodAsHelll]

Hello all

My title is exactly how I am being made to feel right now.

Me and my husband are currently separating - we aren't legally separated just yet - we need to agree on minute of agreement which will be issued hopefully soon - his solicitor is drawing them up.

We bought out house 2 years before getting married. My STBXH paid the deposit (around 25k). I had just finished uni at that point and was in a trainee role.. so my salary was peanuts for a while. His parents gifted £5k to US (no paperwork, nothing) a few years back and paid towards some of our wedding too. Again, it was to US, no paperwork.

My STBXH, as he earns x4 my salary, decided to overpay the mortgage every month, as he could afford to, and wanted to reduce our mortgage quickly etc. I didnt overpay as I had a lower salary and couldnt afford to. The mortgage / bill split was probably 70/30 (me paying 30, I didnt decide this split, he put everyhthing into a spreadsheet which worked out what we should both pay, his idea).

We verbally made an agreement that I could keep something (I wont say what as it will be very outing) if I dont touch his pension & savings account. He also wanted me to give back his deposit, which I intially agreed but house prices are high so I said no that I wanted the house split 50/50 as per title deeds. He agreed. He then came over a few days ago and told me that he wanted me to agree to not touch anything in his personal bank account (I said I wouldnt, why would I?!). He then said that he wanted x, y, z item from the house added to this "list". I started to get annoyed as this list is getting bigger and bigger and all I wanted was one thing.

Anyway, he said he would buy me out, and pay me half the house, he told me the figure he could afford. Home report came back below this figure (by quite a bit). He now tells me he can't afford it, despite telling me the bank has agreed to lend him the money. He then asked if I would decrease my share. I asked by how much. He then said he wanted all overpayments, his deposit, and all monetary gifts his mum and dad deducted from my share. I told him that we should just sell the house if he can't afford to buy me out, he is reluctant to do this.

I Told him he was taking the piss and that he wont be happy until I walk away with nothing. He profoundly apologised, said he would move money around to get the funds (So he can afford it). I then picked a solicitor who told me that my verbal agreement was rubbish and that she wanted to see all bank accounts, savings, pensions to see what I am legally entitled to. I disagreed but she was quite adamant. I gave my STBXH the heads up about this to which he said, "if you or your solicitor ask any questions, or try and take my pension or savings, the fighting gloves will come on and mud will be thrown... youll walk away with a lot less than 50%, you'll regret it".

In the meantime, he keeps telling me to put offers on properties so I can move out asap but I can't as I don't know what my deposit will be. He keeps telling me to get a mortgage in principle, which I have but they are really low as I am putting down the worst case scenario, i.e. if I do end up with nothing. He told me that he won't give me my share of the money until I give my keys back to him (if he buys me out). I offered to move into my dads, so I can get this money and move on, but asked if I could keep bigger furniture in our house (my dads house is tiny) until I move in my own house, he said no, once I move out, I cant come back. I feel like he is pressuring me. My solicitor said he is bullying me and I should call bluff on the thing he has promised that I can have if I dont touch x, y, z.

I only want 50/50 split on house and the promised thing. However, I feel he is being unfair and pressuring me.

AIBU??

This split was mutal!!

Think of it this way -

Straight out of Uni she was on a low salary. Let's say £20k. So around £18k after tax. He was on 4x that. £72k-ish.

Now say their mortgage was £1800 a month.

She would have been paying £540 out of her £1500 take home pay. Leaving her with £960.

He would have been paying £1260 out of his £6000 take home pay. Leaving him with £4740.

That is a massive difference. Then when you take out bills and other expenses she wouldn't have much left over to save with. Compared to the thousands he would have.

That is a massive difference. Then when you take out bills and other expenses she wouldn't have much left over to save with. Compared to the thousands he would have.

Yes, how dare he have such a good job and work so hard.

🙄 I'm talking about their ability to save. Him insisting on a larger house directly affected her ability to save. Hence why she's in the situation now were she actually needs the 50% of the house they agreed on.

I agree that the OP has a much lower salary but they had been together 7 years before they bought the house. I am not trying to compare OP’s situation against her marital financial position I am trying to think realistically that whilst remaining on a comparably smaller salary for 15 years how much equity in any property would the OP have been able to accrue and offset that against what additional benefit she should take from a partner whose has contributed so much more to the financial pot.

When I split from a 10 year relationship I genuinely looked at who had paid more deposit, mortgage, stamp duty, solicitors fees etc when weighing up the financial division and I compared it honestly against what I would have achieved in those 10 years if I had been single and securing my future on my own.Then although I took a smaller split I knew that I had taken a fair reflection of my contribution.

Also just looking at BadNomads calculations if they had bought a less expensive house and say the mortgage had been £1000 a month and OP decided to pay 50% of the mortgage, from her suggested £1500 salary she still would have had approx the same £1000 left per month. The only way OP could have done it in a way that meant she could have saved more is if they had bought a cheaper house and she still paid only 30% of the mortgage. Whichever way you move the figures around the OP has been massively subsidized by her husband. I also think she sounded disingenuous when she said she hadn’t even thought of going for half of his savings and pension until the solicitor suggested it. I think if she feels convinced she owns 50% of the house despite having paid only 30% of the mortgage whilst enjoying the fact that the mortgage is smaller due to her husbands monthly overpayments then she should then go for 50% of the equity in the house after her husbands deposit amount and parents money is removed from the pot. My feeling is the OP initiated the divorce will tell the solicitor to go for 50% of the whole lot and keep the dog.

YABU for using “ain’t”. It’s a southern American barbarism never used in good company.

Or in Portsmouth UK.

You can't come to an agreement without all the facts and figures available.

Please take the advice of your solicitor and have ex provide bank statements and pension details, as well as getting three valuations done on the house.

Your solicitor will advise what the split should be and also what is likely to be decided by a judge if you do go to court.

YANBU He's now bullying you by using your dog. Without knowing what's on the table you can't listen to "moving money around", "what he can afford" etc. You had an agreement which is half of the value of the house equity. If he wants to back track on that then he needs to prove why. If he goes after your dog which he's not seen before tell him you'll go after everything, he's not remembering the mental load and work in the home he enjoyed for free. He's not being fair, you are being exceptionally fair. Can you get a mediator in to help for a session or two to avoid all out war?

Agree fully with this.

Listen to your solicitor and stop being "generous" about the savings and pensions. You don't know how your life is going to turn out and as a woman, in general, you'll earn less and have a smaller pension.

Take what the law gives you.

Please follow the advice of the solicitor, not random people on the internet. Stop having direct contact with him and keep anything he does send you just in case. If he’s not capable of keeping things civil and straightforward then just take whatever you are legally entitled to and move on.

@FeelingGoodAsHelll can you flip it back on him? If he doesn’t stop threatening you re dog and give you your 50% you are going to instruct your solicitor to go after his pension and savings. He sounds nasty and bitter and knows you love the dog so is using the dog as a weapon. I’d be worried he will take dog tomorrow and refuse to give him back until you sign. You are entitled to leave the marriage and to take 50% of the house. Don’t let his threats get to you.

Agree with those saying to use solicitor, all contact and communication needs to be through them. Personally I think you should be entitled to half of everything, you were a couple and a team and to me that means everything belonged to both of you. I don't think it should matter that you didn't earn as much etc, marriage is a partnership in all ways and not all roles are paid.

Use your solicitor, get what your entitled to. I personally would agree his mum and dad get their money but nothing else. He overpaid when ina relationship with you. His bigger salary probably meant you compromised more to facilitate his more stressful etc job.

He is bullying you. Stand your ground. You will get 50% of the house, but equally you'll get pension etc etc. He has way more to lose than you do so he's being a twit.

Also ref furniture, if its worth it, you can put it into storage for a few months, but the financial order can accommodate it staying put until you find a new home.

Good luck x

Please use the solicitor who will deal with his solicitor in a business way without emotion.
If you think at the end you have profited unreasonably talk it over with solicitor then and be generous.

I see why less men wish to get married these days, reading the general rhetoric in this thread. The wife gets bored, leaves and wants to take half (if not more) of everything. Terrible mentality. Marriage today, like the church, is dead.

Listen to your solicitor- he is a bully. Time to ask for his pension and savings to be on the table too.

It’s almost like marriage is a legal partnership isn’t it. Where you support each other during that time and build a life together, often that means one sacrificing to facilitate the other.

Your solicitor is giving you good advice. Your settlement won’t be signed off on without full financial disclosure by both parties. That would be the only discussion I would have with your ex. Keep repeating it like a broken record.

I find a lot of comments on this thread about how it’s not morally right to take what he earned really upsetting. Entitlement is not just based on salaries. Unpaid labour is a factor. No one has suggested that you assign an hourly rate to the housework (which you say you did the vast majority of) and are entitled to be refunded for that. Why not?? Why are so many people falling into the patriarchal trap of just valuing money earnt and discounting other contributions?

So many factors can’t be taken into account. When you are married it can limit your opportunity to apply for jobs in other areas and sadly it’s women who tend to forego opportunities for the sake of the marriage.

You have been together for 15 years, you both agreed to get married after 10 years. Marriage is a legal contract and any divorce is based on set factors that take that into account.

Listen to your solicitors recommendations once they are aware of the financial picture. Don’t make any decisions till then

And threads like this are clearly in support of that meaning the lower earner comes away with more than they put in

on threads where it’s the other way round the general sense is that of “legally he gets half but yeah it’s really unfair, the law is shit”

The law is very biased 🙄. What to women??? What have you been smoking

Because let’s face it it’s generally women do the majority of domestic labour , childcare and sacrificing their careers! It just doesn’t work the same if you reverse the sexes. There are structural issues at play.

No. I never said its biased towards women. I have experience of handling a divorce and seeing how unfair it can be when there is one party who contributes a very small percentage but then walks away with a lot more. Including being able to access someone else's pension.
So please, think about how absurd your conclusion is.

Have you RTFT? The OP wants less, FAR less than she is likely to be entitled to.