Now I aint saying she's a golddigger...

[FeelingGoodAsHelll]

Hello all

My title is exactly how I am being made to feel right now.

Me and my husband are currently separating - we aren't legally separated just yet - we need to agree on minute of agreement which will be issued hopefully soon - his solicitor is drawing them up.

We bought out house 2 years before getting married. My STBXH paid the deposit (around 25k). I had just finished uni at that point and was in a trainee role.. so my salary was peanuts for a while. His parents gifted £5k to US (no paperwork, nothing) a few years back and paid towards some of our wedding too. Again, it was to US, no paperwork.

My STBXH, as he earns x4 my salary, decided to overpay the mortgage every month, as he could afford to, and wanted to reduce our mortgage quickly etc. I didnt overpay as I had a lower salary and couldnt afford to. The mortgage / bill split was probably 70/30 (me paying 30, I didnt decide this split, he put everyhthing into a spreadsheet which worked out what we should both pay, his idea).

We verbally made an agreement that I could keep something (I wont say what as it will be very outing) if I dont touch his pension & savings account. He also wanted me to give back his deposit, which I intially agreed but house prices are high so I said no that I wanted the house split 50/50 as per title deeds. He agreed. He then came over a few days ago and told me that he wanted me to agree to not touch anything in his personal bank account (I said I wouldnt, why would I?!). He then said that he wanted x, y, z item from the house added to this "list". I started to get annoyed as this list is getting bigger and bigger and all I wanted was one thing.

Anyway, he said he would buy me out, and pay me half the house, he told me the figure he could afford. Home report came back below this figure (by quite a bit). He now tells me he can't afford it, despite telling me the bank has agreed to lend him the money. He then asked if I would decrease my share. I asked by how much. He then said he wanted all overpayments, his deposit, and all monetary gifts his mum and dad deducted from my share. I told him that we should just sell the house if he can't afford to buy me out, he is reluctant to do this.

I Told him he was taking the piss and that he wont be happy until I walk away with nothing. He profoundly apologised, said he would move money around to get the funds (So he can afford it). I then picked a solicitor who told me that my verbal agreement was rubbish and that she wanted to see all bank accounts, savings, pensions to see what I am legally entitled to. I disagreed but she was quite adamant. I gave my STBXH the heads up about this to which he said, "if you or your solicitor ask any questions, or try and take my pension or savings, the fighting gloves will come on and mud will be thrown... youll walk away with a lot less than 50%, you'll regret it".

In the meantime, he keeps telling me to put offers on properties so I can move out asap but I can't as I don't know what my deposit will be. He keeps telling me to get a mortgage in principle, which I have but they are really low as I am putting down the worst case scenario, i.e. if I do end up with nothing. He told me that he won't give me my share of the money until I give my keys back to him (if he buys me out). I offered to move into my dads, so I can get this money and move on, but asked if I could keep bigger furniture in our house (my dads house is tiny) until I move in my own house, he said no, once I move out, I cant come back. I feel like he is pressuring me. My solicitor said he is bullying me and I should call bluff on the thing he has promised that I can have if I dont touch x, y, z.

I only want 50/50 split on house and the promised thing. However, I feel he is being unfair and pressuring me.

AIBU??

This split was mutal!!

By what possible logic is this “the point of marriage”? 😂It’s a risk/benefit of marriage but it’s certainly not the point of marriage. I’m not denying OP is entitled to a lot more than she put in, in just saying that it’s not “fair” or “reasonable” just because her solicitor wants to go after it or because OP is legally entitled to it. She’s asked about reasonableness, not legal entitlement. In my book, going against a fair agreement because someone’s put pound signs in your eyes isn’t “reasonable” if you’re hoping for a mutual and friendly split.

OP has two options:

a) what she’s legally entitled to that’s more than she’d have in a fair division and have a tough fight and the judgement that comes with that choice.
b) a fair division that’s below what she’s legally entitled to without the stress and grief of a tough divorce.

He has paid a lot into the house and your marriage was very short. This will be taken into condideration.,Just try to grt the best deal you can for yourself and take your solicitors advice.

A dog couldn't possibly be outing so my money is on a lion.

Whose name is the microchip registered to?

Honestly you are married. In your shoes I would ABSOLUTELY be doing as my solicitor ( the expert) says. They have your best interests at heart. That's the entire point of having them. Your ex won't get the dog, he hasn't been doing any care since moving out and is using the dog as a bargaining chip to scare you. Is the only power he has over you.

Marriage means equal. It means 50-50 as a starting point. That's the entire POINT of the legal side of it . If he didn't want that? He shouldn't have gotten married.

Legally, sure you’re starting point is 50%.

Morally, you are being unfair. He effectively enabled you to live in a nice home and allowed you to develop your career by paying less (exactly as it should be in a marriage) and now you are pretty much throwing it back in his face by wanting half a thing you didn’t pay half for. If you’d had DC and taken a career break to raise kids, then fair enough. But not the case here.

If I were him I’d go after the dog too, or at least shared custody of the dog.

I can tell you are trying to be reasonable, but on paper you need to add up your respective contributions and decide what the decent thing to do is. What would you want if you were him? The deposit going back to him doesn’t seem unfair tbh. Equally, he overpaid out of choice, which was his risk.

Judges will split things fairly. Your solicitor should not be being too emphatic with you that 50 is the minimum you will get. It’s always a risk.

Let your solicitor ensure that he makes full disclosure of his assets. Just as you should to him. You may find that a court would not agree to the divorce/financial settlement if it is not based on full financial disclosure anyway.

Once you know who has what assets, it will be much easier to negotiate and for you to decide what you want and what you are willing to agree that he keeps. I imagine that once you have a full understanding of his savings and pension, you will have no guilt in pushing for 50:50 on the property. I would guess that he can easily buy you out but is pretending that he can't.

Call his bluff on the dog and mud slinging threats. If he is showing no interest now, he won't want the full responsibility of the dog going forward. Frankly, who is he going to sling mud to? All the people who matter in your life will know that it is just sour grapes. He is just using the treats to manipulate and control you. No wonder you are divorcing!

If he has money in the bank and a good pension that you have agreed not to touch them I think a 50/50 split of the house is fair, despite him contributing more. I agree with pp, let your solicitor sort this out and ignore your stbxh.

I never at one point said I was taking the dog from him. I said I wanted to share him. He asked what happens when we meet new people, I said we would relook at the "custody" situation. If it wasnt working then one of us would take the dog FT. He then said he didnt want shared custody so I would have a legal right over him to take the dog.. I said I couldnt care less. If you didnt want to see our dog ever again, that would be your choice. I wouldnt force you. He then said "I'll make you a deal, you have the dog, yours 100%, if you dont touch x, y, z... if you do, then I will fight dirty".

She is absolutely entitled to 50% of her home, no question about that. That’s what they both agreed to legally upon marriage.

They also both agreed to 50% of everything else. There is a binding contract in place to say that she owns 50% of their assets and she may have made life plans in view of that contract…like having DC. However, since there are no DC, some might suggest (as OP has suggested herself) that she doesn’t push for the full 50% she is legally entitled to. Whether she wants to continue to be that nice is up to her.

Concentrate on yourself. Get the best settlement you are entitled to as you will need this in the future. If you don’t wise up (I mean that kindly) you will face a much poorer old age. Listen to your solicitor and take her advice. X

What’s the point in paying a solicitor if you aren’t going to follow their advice.

he’s clearly hiding something in his account and the amicable bit went as soon as he started dicking you about.

^this

Legally you are definitely entitled to your 50% but honestly you've put in peanuts compared to your STBXH. You don't deserve 50% OP.

Maybe if there were kids in the picture and you took on majority of the childcare etc but in this case I think you should get a good share but not 50%.

But yeah if that's what you want to go as it is your legal rights then...

Yes I'm sure he feels hard done by that he's put more into the house than you, and you now might benefit from this. That is what he signed up for when he married you. If people don't want that, they shouldn't get married. You enter into a contract that essentially says "our assets are now shared and will be treated as such" and then throw a fit when they are indeed treated as such.

Leave it with your solicitor, stop engaging with him, don't let him bully you.

So before you enter the phase of not communicating with him, get this lack of care for the dog documented. Send him an email asking when he is seeing the dog, walking the dog ... was his comment about get the advice elsewhere in writing?

Did you buy the dog from a breeder, so there is a certificate of purchase etc?

Take this to your solicitor, who will be able to confirm - but 15 years ago the law stated that the person who walks & feeds the dog is the owner. Make sure you start getting bills for his food, vet supplies, toys etc.

My lawyer got this past my Ex because she was aware that a dog is seen as "goods & chattels" so that when the (sorry - can't recall the name of the bit of paper, but the final declaration that the assets are now split & all chattels are now in possession of the correct party). His lawyer wasn't, or failed to highlight it - so when Ex signed that we each were in possession of the goods & chattels we wanted, he unwittingly signed to dog over to me.

Tell him categorically that his pissing around with I want and you don't gets have made it really clear he is trying to have his s cake and eat it. Tough shit, he needs to get his finances ready as requested.

His greed caused this. He no longer gets to bully you.

He is using the dog to blackmail you. Call his bluff. It does not seem that he really wants the dog and if he does, other dogs are easily come by.

I would make it clear that going forward you will only discuss matters relating to the divorce and house etc through your solicitors. Your solicitor is giving excellent advice, you are entitled to half the house and you are also entitled to a cut of his pension too. Do not listen to your ex. He does not have your best interests in mind, so take whatever he says with a pinch of salt. Unless he ring-fenced his deposit then he cannot dictate how that is now allocated. The gifts you received from family also, if not ring-fenced he cannot claim ownership of.
Regarding the overpayments, it is irrelevant who pays and how much of the mortgage, what matters is who is on the mortgage. If you are both on the mortgage then you are both entitled to half.
On Instagram follow The legal Queen. She has great advice.

I have always paid for his pet insurance, I have always played with him - STBXH does love the dog but would always train him and not really have playtime - god I know, I am talking about a dog!!! He used to pay for his food but since moving out, I do this now. The only thing he still pays for is his training class, once per week, I am thinking of paying that from this week. So 100% of all payments for our dog is being made by me.

He is doing you over.
And also sounds very shady about his " bank account".

I'd be listening to this Solicitor and get what you are entitled to.

You've given him a chance and hes walking all over you and playing games. Do this properly and get what you are entitled to.

Take what you’re legally entitled to. He is trying to hide things and shaft you. He’s only pretending to play nice.

his parents sound abysmal.

OP it sounds like neither of you are actually that bothered about the dog so why don't you find someone you can trust to care for the dog and then there's no leverage.

Ignore the posters stating their ‘moral’
beliefs. You supported your partner in working a
job that enabled him to make so much more money. Was he equal in maintaining the home? Or does that work hold no value unless there are children? Obviously not. Marriage shouldn’t just protect each party if there are children.

His family also willingly gave money to you both as a couple. Take the money you deserve and move on. Stop letting him make you feel bad. You both entered a marriage hopefully knowing the legal ramifications - them being annoying now doesn’t mean he can bully you.

Excuse me?
Have your opinion on if I am being unreasonable, if 50% of the house is fair etc. I have asked for opinions. Its a public forum. But do not tell me I dont care about my dog. My life is centred around my dog, my STBXH can freely go out after his work, doesnt have to rush home (he has told me he has started going to the gym and seeing more friends) - I can't I am home for my dog. I love him to pieces. He is my world.

He is fighting you because he has something to hide so he makes threats to frighten you into submission.
Stop with the dialogue and let your solicitor do what they are being paid to do.
He only wants the dog because he knows you do !
Stop talking to him.

Agree with this. Response would be VERY different if OP was the husband and the wife was the higher earner: 'Why should STBEH get half of the house when I've contributed 80% of its value'. MN would be telling you you'd been living with a cocklodger for years. I'd be pissed off in his position.

But as PPs have said crack on, you are legally entitled to it.