Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

That's more like it OP

Bravo

Agree with this.

You absolutely have the measure of him.

He is a dominant, narcissistic, misogynistic, entitled, arrogant, deluded pig.

You know that in your gut and many others will see and sense it to (his employers, any “friends” and the shops he steals from and companies he exploits) - he will trip up.

Your DD is in denial and he likely lovebombed so she was emotionally manipulatived into this relationship.

But she knows - don’t judge “him” with direct statements to her - but position it as asking her questions about his manners and behaviours “oh how did that make you feel when he did/said “x,y,z”?” “Do you think that was unpleasant / rude / unkind” etc.

From your last thread you are so anxious not to upset your DD - but that’s part of his power play - he’s a bully - call it out (to her) - don’t inadvertently allow your DD to continue in this relationship because of politeness.

You talk about her being down, about working from home, not having many friends - he has targeted these vulnerabilities specifically so he can control her.

I would encourage her to see a counsellor - she can do it online from home - he doesn’t even need to know about it.

You also talk about the discomfort of having to behave differently from your usual generous self …… but you are dealing with a very difficult and potentially emotionally dangerous animal here - so different rules apply to “manage” him. Hard clear, confident boundaries that don’t need to be confrontational - just calm and rinse and repeat.

Know that your DD will have seen his gross behavior many times in other instances and also people standing up to him.

Be proud of your stance and know what he is - a wrong ‘un.

Your DD may have seen you being generous and kind to others and have internalised that that is just how she needs to be (making tea for her bf in bed for example), without realising that it is only appropriate within the context of a respectful, equal friendship/relationship. Which is not the relationship that her bf has with you - or likely with her!

You need to name the concerns you have about her relationship explicitly - that he has expressed very sexist views about male/female roles, that he repeatedly, likely deliberately, violated your boundaries at Christmas, that you are worried about him being controlling and exploiting her kindness.

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Good Luck OP. I'm glad the posts on here have helped. Sounds like you have a plan going forward. But as someone else said you don't EVER have to have someone staying in your home if you don't want them to!

Great update @Duvetdaysaregood, sometimes it’s better to think through all of the options before a healthy solution presents itself clearly. I may be facing a scenario this year with some parallels and will refer back to your decision.

You may have been asked this before, but have you read the threads about Lobster Boy? I’d attach a link if I knew how😳 Your DD doesn’t have the vicious nature of ChopinandChampagne’s DD, but there are some uncomfortable similarities with your potentially future SIL.

Enjoy your weekend away!

Have a great time away! Holidays are better with dogs anyway.

(It would still be good to add an additional lock to your external doors - and keep the keys for those to yourself. You trust your daughter but not the man who has access to all her things...including your house keys.)

Well done @Duvetdaysaregood a wise decision. Enjoy your holiday with your dogs and stick to your guns!

Well done you

If your daughter stays with this person please don’t ever giver her power of attorney

Good plan OP I'm glad we have clarified your thoughts

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Honestly Wednesday - We don't expect British blokes to throw their capes over puddles so we don't get our feet wet, or open our car doors for us all the time - that's just treating women as infants - but we do expect (and most men have) basic good manners. Your DH doesn't seem to have these.

Jesus. I remember your thread. You must stop pussyfooting around them. You are the parents!

Great update.
I also agree that you need to add another lock, change the lock and in general increase security.

Absolutely add another lock - even if just for your own peace of mind. (Also a Ring doorbell)

For all you know he could be moving contraband about and intending to use your home as a warehouse for a few days. You don't want to risk getting involved with anything like that.

If he can't get in it means you can relax and enjoy your break without wondering if he and/or his parents are helping themselves to your home for a few days.

Good update. Just be careful not to criticise him directly. Look surprised at any toxic or controlling behaviour but once you show your dislike, she will be forced to pick a side and it may not be yours. So let her come to her own conclusion, with your own ways of shining a light on his actions.

Well done for taking those steps OP. I would worry that the BF had a word in your DD’s ear to suggest the holiday so that he could move in to your place while you are gone. My biggest fear is that 15-20 years down the line he’d be having a quiet word in her ear suggesting you go into a nursing home. He definitely has plans for your house in the future. Make your feelings about the BF known, in years to come your DD might see him for the man he really is and thank you for looking out for her.

Well done OP.

This is good advice and will give you confidence as to how to nudge your DD to see it for herself (she already knows it BTY) rather than sit on the fence pearl clutching that you will either explode or put in passive aggressive stunts to get back at him, or do nothing….. all 3 of those will backfire.

But there is a way to manage your boundaries assertively and openly with him directly calmly and clearly (because you know you have the measure of his fragile but entitled ego) but to concentrate on your DD - her self doubt needs sorting, she self esteem and agency needs
rebuilding and you can do that with encouragement, support and trust.

Focus on rebuilding her rather than fighting him.

Based on his conversation with your husband he sounds like a thug.

Definitely double up on security in your home as others have suggested, even though it is quite shocking to conceive this to be necessary in connection to your daughters choice of companion.

Also do not consider your daughter in terms of POA, her judgement is very poor and god knows what she is capable of with the correct manipulation.

One thing that strikes me is to wonder at only 3 weeks since she allowed you to run ragged after herself and the dregs that she brought to your home for a week, she is NOW suddenly worried about your mortality🙄??????????

I find her sudden uncharacteristic concern for your wellbeing very strange.

You were rightly absolutely exhausted by looking after them all for a week and it appears it went unnoticed at the time, which I find frankly unbelievable.

Like I wrote, keep her well away from your POA and any knowledge of your finances.

Infact I'd be tempted to mutter about trading down and going travelling and spending any inheritance he has his eye on.

@Duvetdaysaregood am sure everyone who’s contributed thoughts is as pleased as I am that you plan to assert your own feelings and not be told what’s going to happen.

One thing I’d caution is how you speak to DD and specifically what you say. Bear in mind she’ll very likely share it all with her DP and you obviously don’t want to alienate her, even temporarily. You want to help her see just what kind of man she’s partnering with.

I disagree with bald statements, I’d couch it more discretely, but the new information about settling disagreements with fists or similar puts a more sinister twist on things. You can say that you won’t be extending any more hospitality to wider family as ‘we’re clearly not on the same page’
Dont let them manipulate this into financial, class or status based, this is purely about behaviours. Also make it clear that DP is only invited as part of their relationship, not a separate entity and don’t be drawn on why.

I know you said DS’s friends have stayed previously but presumably only when he was also present? So it’s all the same.

Be as vague as you like, but be firm. Hopefully she won’t need it spelling out. She’s been raised with your values and even if it’s deep down for now. She’ll know.

Well done OP.

It's still important to add additional strong locks to your external doors for use when you're both away, also a ring doorbell.

I have to say, i wouldn't be standing on any cliffs next to BF. He's too much an opportunist.

Great update OP. But are you still going to change the locks? What's to prevent him from using her key to access while you're away?

Other posters advice is spot on.
Change/add new locks.
Security cameras.
Keep finance information away from them.
However, when telling her why you don't want people in the house while you are away, I wouldn't say to her that your getting older has anything to do with it. He could twist this to say to your DD that you 'need help' and we can all guess that would be the one doing the 'helping'.

We are also -saying that our savings are dwindling . So if they come for a period of time, we need a contribution.

I'd be careful how you phrase this, as dd and bf may interpret that as they can still come when you're not there, they just need to shop for themselves..

Exactly. Ideally you don't want him to come at all!

I also think sharing anything financial just aids his schemes. News of dwindling savings might make him up his game!