Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

I would just say no to DD and tell her that you are still recovering from cleaning up after your uninvited guests, but if she wants to come home alone that would be lovely.

This! Does she know how hard it was last time?

I'd agree it seems best to cancel this trip with a white excuse.

But eventually subterfuge won't work - you may have to sit your daughter down and explain gently how you and your husband feel.

This.

So what are you going to do OP?

@RampantIvy - I don’t think the OP is afraid of alienating her DD in that she thinks her DD will be angry they say no to the BF staying. It is more that she won’t understand and will be hurt. Which is why they need to have an honest conversation along the lines of ‘we really didn’t like some of his behaviours and comments at Christmas and we felt Christmas was incredibly stressful for us due to him and his parents’. This situation needs honesty above all.

@Duvetdaysaregood you are really overcomplicating this... It doesn't matter if you have let friends and family stay at your house before, he is neither of those. There are natural boundaries with children in-laws/partners and if your daughter shares your values, she will understand and accept them.
There is no need to attack him on his personality or try to guess his intentions when you really have no clue. You're not going to alienate your daughter by explaining your boundaries, you will if you start telling her you don't like/trust her partner...

Have you never said no to her op?

If you and your DH don't feel you can have an open conversation with your DD about this at present could you write how you feel in a letter or email to her? .
It might help you clarify and order your thoughts -- after writing you don't even have to send it.

But having written it down in the best way you can, you could feel it would help you to be able to speak, or that it would be OK to send to her.
I think either way it should make very clear that these are your feelings, and your decision, it's final and should be respected.

”Your boyfriend is not welcome in our house because he is a thief and has snooped in our bedroom. You may trust him but we don’t and this is our house so the decision is ours alone to make. We have changed the locks following security concerns.”

Don’t give her a key until she ups her standards and dumps him. You need to have some backbone here.

Ring doorbell.
Make it clear that he is not to have his parents or anyone else over to stay. Make sure DD knows this and reiterates.

Oh do come back OP it's very clear how everyone wants to know you are making an effort to assert yourself, we feel your pain. Both your threads also beg the question as to how your daughter has reached the age of 24 and seemingly has no insight into your feelings. My sons now in my 30s, would may have tried things on at times, but deep down I always knew that in certain situations there would have been a "mum and dad would never stand for that" so I won't even bother asking. I'm really perplexed in reading the Christmas thread how the boyfriend's parents could have been as thick skinned as they appear, insomuch as landing themselves on you, I think I'm right in saying you didn't invite them, for such a considerable period of time and expect to be waited on hand and foot at your expense.

You are going to have to be a bit blunt here. No point making an excuse as this is going to rear it’s ugly head again next time.

Blame the behaviours over Xmas but don’t criticise him as such.

He seems a nice young man but we felt uncomfortable with x,y,z behaviours and don’t want him or his parents alone in the house.

I think you need to have a very honest conversation with your daughter about the concerns you have about her boyfriend.

You said in the previous thread that you have always enjoyed hosting, having people round, treating people etc. But by the sounds of it that has always been on your terms - for people who reciprocate, who you like and trust - including your DD. That giving also comes from within the mutually supportive relationship that you and your DH have with each other.

Your DD may have seen you being generous and kind to others and have internalised that that is just how she needs to be (making tea for her bf in bed for example), without realising that it is only appropriate within the context of a respectful, equal friendship/relationship. Which is not the relationship that her bf has with you - or likely with her!

You need to name the concerns you have about her relationship explicitly - that he has expressed very sexist views about male/female roles, that he repeatedly, likely deliberately, violated your boundaries at Christmas, that you are worried about him being controlling and exploiting her kindness.

Regarding the holiday plan, can just one of you go with her - and plan to have the relationship discussion then. Make it explicit that this is time for her to spend with you/your DH and that her bf is not invited. The other stays home to look after the pets. Bf can do what he pleases so long as it's not hanging out in your lovely home!

I think the simplicity of simply saying that "darling, our home is not a base for your boyfriend, contrary to his assertion at Christmas.
It's only 3 weeks since you were here and fyi Christmas was very, very stressful and we felt completely imposed upon by him and his family and have no intention of repeating the experience"

Many people have open friendly homes where people and friends visit and children bring pals home.

That is vastly different to imposing a boyfriend and his parents on your parents for a week at Christmas whilst they eat and drink all round them, don't lifte a finger, brought nothing with them and treat your mother like a skivvy.

I cannot imagine a single situation in all my nearly 60 years where I have read of such a fundamental disrespect for your parents and their home.

I would be a mixture of mortified and furious at the thought that my children would think we would have so little respect for ourselves.

The OP had to ask her daughter to leave and take them with her...........

..............and not 3 weeks later she is back on to them worrying about them dying🙄as she tries to foist him on them again.

That you are in such denial about your daughters behaviour and utter disregard for you is extraordinary.

I adore my 4 children but I thank god I am not so deluded by their obvious charms not to be able to see something as clearly as this.🙄

I wouldn't be leaving my dogs with someone I didn't trust anyway - absolutely no way on earth.

OP - why can't you just be honest with your daughter? OK so you don't like her boyfriend but if you think he's an appalling choice of partner for her, as her mum, should you really just be standing back and letting her make what could turn out to be a really bad mistake with him because you don't want to upset her by telling her you think he's a wrong 'un? Everyone parents differently, and I get that you don't want to push her away, but if it was my daughter, I'd be sticking in a few wedges to make sure she didn't end up with an abusive CF.

@Duvetdaysaregood Do you like in a holiday destination area, is that why you daughter’s boyfriend feels its ok for his parents to come to stay? Its taking the piss a bit but youre in a sticky spot having done this before for others. Im sure his parents are grateful but surely must feel a bit strange doing it especially when you are there too.

could you check your insurance to see if it covers guests staying alone in the property?

Meant to say, do you live not like 🤦🏻‍♀️

Well said @billy1966

She's worried about them dying and wants to spend time with them while all fit and able which is nice and I did a similar thing with my mum when she turned 60 which was her last holiday due to her dementia. However the bf's behaviour does leave a very uneasy feeling and makes you wonder about what he talk to DD about.

He's probably wishing their old age/ death hurried along so that he can enjoy his holiday home and have all his family and friends round while DD does all the cleaning cooking and upkeep for her manly man boyfriend.

Op I do feel for you, you seem really nice and want to be there for DD and not have her feel like you are against her or her choices and isolate her with him.

I would also say that I wouldn't have been a good house guest in my 20's unless I was already very close or comfortable with the people in the house as am shy and have anxiety and would probably hide a lot unless someone said make yourself at home here's the kettle, cooking and the cleaning bits thereby giving me 'permission' to do all that stuff. He doesn't sound like he has any of those issues though.

What are you planning to do, OP? Cancel this trip?

I didnt read your previous post but, as you dont want hims staying there when you arent there then just say to your daughter:

"I'd rather no-one is in our home whilst we aren't there. We have arranged for the dogs to stay and have a little holiday themselves at the local kennels which kills two birds with one stone as they will wash, clean, cut nails etc and also Dad and i want the dogs to get used to being at the dog sitter/kennels as we are hoping to be able to get away without having to take the dogs with us. Thanks to (insert boyfriends name) for the offer but, not needed"

X

Thanks all.
We have decided .
To alter holiday . Take dogs with .
If anything else comes up we will say no we are not comfortable with anyone in house non family. If questioned, please do not question our choice.
We are also -
saying that our savings are dwindling . So if they come for a period of time, we need a contribution.
I am also going to keep in touch with her v regularly and start to question the set up in ways that may help her to think if things are not ok .. eg how do tou split your domestics ??
I will keep the bond strong .
Also , i will highlight some behaviours
under the guise of understanding How his different ways present and oh how does that feel ?
we will continue to model our family way . For eg he indicated rhat his dd would not put up with sometimg and that fists or suchlike would be involved . Indicating that is how real man deals with it to dh ..At rhe time my dh said oh this is how I would deal with it , talking , negotiation and that he had family responsibility to handle it not resort to methods like that.
dd has been surrounded by gentle strong men and she knows how they do things .

Thanks all for your input , I had not slept and allowed myself to get into a fearful state when in fact I need to be clear headed , and resolve stay in more balance .

That's a good start OP. Well done.

Good plan, OP. Don't forget you don't have to have anyone to stay for long periods. It's fine for you to state the amount of time and stick to it.

Thanks for the update, your strategy is clear and concise and you come across as a decent person don't question that, which possibly is why you have been taken advantage of previously. Wishing you all the best in going forward.