Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

I'm a bit of a people pleaser myself, but the fact that a mere three weeks after you had to ask them to leave, the boyfriend is trying to get his foot back in the door and this time he wants free run of the place, is ringing huge alarm bells.
Maybe he manipulated your DD into arranging this trip away, maybe she buys into his shite and is manipulating you or maybe they both genuinely want to do something nice for you after Christmas.

Whichever it is you need to put your big girl pants on and be totally honest with your DD or you are going to have way bigger problems down the line and at the speed this is moving it won't be that long until he is pushing your boundaries again.

Who the hell is he to describe your home as "one of his bases"??? @Duvetdaysaregood Please, please, kick this entitled, grasping fucker to the kerb! Your DD has to have noticed his behaviour - maybe you could plant a seed? She deserves better than this, and so do you.

I’ve read OP’s comments in the original and this thread. Blimey! Who would want him dating their DD.

The bedside book, could DD have given the BF a tour of the house and he seen them during?

We don’t live in AONB but we do have an open house/welcoming policy for DC’s and our friends - there’s always dinner on offer or the pizza oven on. We also have our friends stay in the house to pet sit. So I totally understand your dilemma of him staying and minding the dogs. I think your DD knows how loved she is, how warm and welcoming you are, it’s been demonstrated to her her whole life. I feel she’d be deeply upset that her DP’s were so uncomfortable in their own home and how stressed her DD became. I think you need to be honest with her, you certainly don’t sound like you’re going to deliver your concerns in a mean way, but you do need to be firm. Good luck.

not from them, from a shop

if you want the full info, you'll have to read the other thread

the guy is dodgy as fuck and not someone you want in your home

why did you think MNers were talking about police if you don't know what we're discussing?

This! Additional locks front and back, video doorbell, room cams inside. And for gods sake tell them NO!!

Also Why won't the OP say what the dog arrangements are when they normally go away?

Yep!

I have read the whole thread. Just wondered if anyone here actually had. He took something from a shop, we don’t know what it was, could have been a newspaper, could have been something more significant. He said he forgot he had it. Could have been a lie, but could have been the truth. In reality we know nothing about this person. OP doesn’t like him but hasn’t really suggested that he’s done anything seriously dodgy. Just sounds like someone who is immature and has bad manners. I imagine even OP is reading this and thinking people have taken it a bit far. I just reread the OP again and it really has been blown out of proportion

The number of times OP mentions the in laws being poor or renting feels like a red flag.

My in laws act how his parents did. I hate it, but it's a culture clash. They aren't bad people.

If he is a thief etc i'd be more worried about my daughter than my house. Is there any possibility you were wrong about the stealing?

After reading through your original post, I had a thought. Given his behaviour, machismo, misogyny, power play...could he be into Andrew Tate, the redpill etc? The type of thing your describing sounds like the growing trend on social media which basically spouts old fashioned misogyny repackaged for the modern era. Have a look into it, it may help navigate his behaviour and help your daughter.

For the person saying why doesn't op say what arrangements are usually made for the dogs ..
…the answer is they normally come with us .. ie dog friendly camp sites or b and b s for example.

I wanted to add that if you go ahead and get a sitter in the home, cctv isn’t a bad shout to watch them and him at other times

But you said yes to the trip before your DD volunteered her bf to look after the animals, so you must have had some sort of ready-to-go plan in your mind to do with them? Don’t you need a contingency in case you are called away urgently?

Thanks for the update

I don’t understand why you can’t just tell your DD you don’t want people staying in your home when your not there? It’s your home. If my parents said that to me then I would respect what they had said and it would be the end of the conversation, we would go off and have a nice weekend away.

am I missing something?

Don’t leave the house empty. Ask one of your other friends or previous guests to stay. Bam, problem solved (this time).

If you leave it empty you will worry.

Don't know if this link has already been posted but read all of OP's posts, not just the first few: www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas/4706608-our-guests-are-hinting-that-they-are-going-to-stay-longer-than-wanted-how-to-find-the-words?postsby=Duvetdaysaregood

The DD's bf sounds like a nasty scheming piece of work playing mind games, actually insulting OP's DH (misogynistic gender competition), making DD cook and do chores for him... He sounds fully capable of alienating OP's DD, who sounds quite vulnerable, from her parents.

I think people in this and the previous thread saying "just put boundaries on your own DD", "give her a time limit to chuck her belongings out of her childhood bedroom", etc come from a different sort of family.

My boyfriend comes from the sort of middle class family that is quite individualistic and firm with their time and financial boundaries (not mean like this family though). My family has a warm, haphazard "open door policy" as long as all chip in equally, impromptu parties kind of family. Both kinds work.

I would never feel good setting hard boundaries around my own parents, siblings, etc (eg serving a smaller plate, restricting use of facilities), but that's because I know they would never ever take advantage of lack of boundaries. It's clear OP has this sort of attitude to her DS and his guests as well - I would feel sad treating 2 of my own children differently.

Just to add on... I really struggled as a young adult and my parents were very generous with finances and space (having a family home to come back to). I would do the same for my parents/family in a heartbeat now.

I know not every family works that way but there's no point shaming OP. The core values of her family - generosity, good faith, etc - are quite clear, she states she and her DH try to model them (DH even verbally reinforcing them firmly and quietly in front of DD's bf). This guy her DD loves and his family are a different breed altogether.

If DD is in denial about the shoplifting incident, you can gently tell her you feel uncomfortable because of the book snooping incident. She'll probably be in denial about that too but hopefully she'll accept that all of this behaviour adds up to an very undesirable untrustworthy pattern.

Also, modelling, kind concern etc are good - you sound like excellent parents - but ultimately, I would just be honest in the long run. I know there's a risk of bf turning DS against you (though would he? As you provide all the resources and finances. As you state in your other thread, it's odd he's chosen to bite the hand that feeds him) but give DS a chance to think about the perspective you've presented, even if it takes her years. No more hinting, beating around the bush, planting seeds... Say every single thing you've said in the thread - eg don't just accept it when she says "oh yes I cook for him but we share washing up", if you don't think that's credible, explain why explicitly, or make it obvious (not in a nasty way). Make it clear though that she will always be welcome in your lives (at first I said "home", but ah well.... what to say?)

Sorry if this has been suggested…but do you think your DD picked up on the fact you don’t like/approve of her boyfriend and this was a way of her testing you for a reaction? It is very soon after they left your house. Just seems a bit odd
timing wise.

Just carry on and do what you were intending to do in terms of pet care. I mean you, must've thought of that as soon as your dd invited you away with her to a place that doesn't allow pets? That's surely the first thing any dog owner would consider before accepting the invitation. Do you know anyone else that can/would dog sit for you?

Once you've got that in place you can then tell dd that her bf's assistance isn't required (although I half expect that you freeing him up from that will then mean that he's coming along with you). Your only other alternative is to simply come out and tell them the truth - that you don't want/trust him in your house when you're not there.

organise something else. keep quiet until then then announce it. oh we have already done this.
get another family member or friend that might come and say they really wanted to and we just couldnt say no.its a friend your allowed to do that.
say your getting more and more iffy about people coming into the home to stay(haha must be your old age) and you just want to keep your home as your own now.
so dogs will be going to someoen else or ust neighbour popping in to feed.
you no longer feel right about people in your home. weird i no haha but that just how we are. and the more people that keep coming to stay the more we feel we just need our own space to be ours.

Change the locks, I've a feeling he will try to claim the house as his own. This boyfriend is a bad 'in, long term plan should be to encourage your dd to become independent.

Your dd needs to do the freedom programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php

Do you have a valid reason for one of the dogs needing a professional dog sitter?

When I dog sat, I made it clear in my t&c's that no one ELSE was to turn up to the property and stay (after a nasty one where the womans ex husband attempted to move in whilst she was away for three weeks in Jamaica and I had to get the police involved!)...

So if it is believable that the dogs need specialist care, therefore a professional, insured etc etc dog sitter.. then BF 'unfortunately can't be in the property as it goes against the dog sitters T&C's and insurance...'

And then hire an actual dogsitter who is insured etc etc.

If you are going to bend the truth it needs to be minimal and as close to the actual truth as possible, or it will fall apart and that will end up being worse than saying 'we don't like your cunty boyfriend and wouldn't trust him with a dead fish never mind our home and beloved DDogs!'

Hmm.
I don't think it is a coincidence that your DD has organised for you to go somewhere that doesn't accept dogs.

I suspect that this is something she has planned with her boyfriend all along.

@Duvetdaysaregood why are you afraid that you will alienate her by putting your foot down? Have you never said no to her before?

You have had plenty of good advice on this and the previous thread on how to approach this. You can continue to go through life being a people pleaser and allow people to trample all over you or you can learn some assertiveness and then people will respect you more and not take you for granted.

Where is your husband in this? Is he such a pushover as well?