Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

Listen Emma (insert) her name
Straight up we love you but ….
Dad and I have spoken. We found Christmas stressful bf and his parents took advantage and made things awkward in our own home in fact they completely over stayed their welcome, they weren’t good house guests etc
we do not want them staying in our house for the foreseeable future - we want calm. We are adults and no we don’t want them to stay in our house for the moment even with us there never mind without us!
it might be a freebie for them but the cost to us, stress, food, wine etc is high.

Wouldn’t do any harm to spell it out and if it gets back to them - good

If you’re really worried you could put a lock on your door and move anything you don’t want him touching into that one room

This is fantastic advice.
Worried about a shoplifter squatting in your home?
Whatever you do - don't forbid them entry. That might involve using your words like a grown up.
Much easier to just move all your valuables into a lockable room.

Refuse entry. Make sure does not have keys. It can be done perfectly nicely. We once let our children's daily nanny stay with her fiance when we were away (as they lived with his parents in pretty cramped conditions) and never did it again. Although they were lovely the house was a bit of mess when we got back and there was a glass/drink stain on the mantel piece and just a lot of wear and tear.

However when we were away last summer I did suggest my older son come (who was very pleased to do so) as he is my own child and very tidy and that worked out fine, I wouldn't let one of my children's other halves stay here on their own (nor even move in)

You MUST do something like this OP!

Who's to say that the Gruesome Threesome couldn't move in and change the locks for you? That would make them hard to get rid of!

Not really as squatting in a residential property is illegal in the U.K. and police can go in and throw the squatters out.

i would be more worried about being in the property and getting the land registry changed to their name and selling the house from under you.

To be honest OP you just make things worse for yourself and your DD. Just tell DD that you don’t want him to stay without her, it’s not appropriate, he is not even family at this stage. She needs to learn about boundaries. Also you prefer professional help with dogs, conversation’s closed. Keep it simple, otherwise she would suspect that there is something else.
if she mentions cases of other people staying you can always say that it’s in the past and you are not sure about doing this again.

When your DD asks why he can’t stay you answer because “he took advantage of us over Christmas, he is ill mannered, he and his family
couldn’t even buy as a drink, he snooped around the house (how else did he know what book I was reading) he is light fingered and stole from x shop, they didn’t lift a finger to help out and treated us like a hotel, they didn’t offer to buy any food, they came empty handed without even a bottle of wine. I was disappointed as we’ve brought you up to know better. We’ve always been very welcoming and hospitable but it upset us how we were used. I was really annoyed he referred to our house as ‘one of his bases’. It ended in us having to ask you all to leave as they were expecting to stay here until they’d had enough.
We are not his holiday home.

I would not being going on this trip. Clearly it was planned without discussion. Maybe one of you goes and the other stays home. If you are truly not felling able to be honest with her, then someone can come down with a last minute cold.

I can’t say I understand your timidity though. This guy has the potential to wreck your daughter’s life.

@wednesdaynamesep
Had you written that sweeping statement about anyone other than British men I think it would hve been reported, Brtish men have to accept your bile though.

You need to take greater care in the British men you associate with, you don't seem to be very discriminating! The vast majority are well mannered and also willing to annoy the strident feminists by opening doors etc..

I'd get them booked into kennels.
I read that quickly and thought poster meant the BF & parents😂

You need to be honest with her and say the BF is not welcome to move into your home ever - only visit as a guest when you are there, and with a defined end date. His extended family are not welcome either - refer back to the nightmare Christmas/NY when you thought they were never going to go.

What is wrong with th DD &BF home that he can't stay there?

I'm not back peddling. I said it embarrasses me in my last post too. It does embarrass me. And people absolutely have been saying that the way my family behave is normal British male behaviour (not true) and implying my DH is uniquely rude (he's not). Re-read the thread.

shop lifter? What did he steal again? Wasn’t it a “I forgot I had it” type situation? So it is possible (even if not probable) that it was a genuine mistake. The rest all boils down to bad manners. Nothing to suggest he’s going to do anything seriously problematic. I’m saying give him a chance. If anything happens then op will be vindicated. If not, she will have seen another side of him and saved her relationship with her daughter

I agree.
Even though squatting is illegal and the police could get them thrown out; does The OP really want the stress of that? Or finding somewhere else to live in the meantime?
It seems a distinct possibility that the bf and his parents could be trying to move in. Why would the bf need a "break" so soon after their last stay in OP's home?

Would you allow him to prowl YOUR home unsupervised?
More fool you if so.

Why would OP expose herself to risk & loss by allowing him an opportunity to "vindicate" her by doing something transgressive? She doesn't like him, she doesn't trust him, & there is NO REASON AT ALL for him to be in her home without her there.

@judgej ... Oh for goodness sake. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Now it's a hate crime to point out that the average British bloke doesn't perform chivalry anymore.

No I wouldn’t. But I’ve never met the bloke. He’s doesn’t live with my adult daughter. But when I do have friends and family to stay I wouldn’t be particularly affronted if the had stepped into my room and seen a book on the side either. Maybe if they had commented on my knicker drawer.

no reason except he’s offered to take care of the pets. Which you could also see as a kind gesture.

all I’m saying is there is always room to misinterpret other peoples intentions (as you have with mine) so I am suggesting op really think about how serious the transgressions have actually been before burning bridges that could have a huge impact on her relationship with her daughter and future grandchildren

It’s been explained to you umpteen times. It is not about performing chivalry, it is about good manners. Your husband has poor manners - his nationality is irrelevant.

OMG 😆 hilarious. Obviously this is a joke!!?

If you are concerned he is with your DD due to the possibility of her inheritance, and I say possibility because there’s no knowing If you will need senior care accomodation later on, go and see a lawyer and get a trust drawn up, and other people (the solicitor could be one) to be trustees so the property will never be in her name, but remain in the trust.

im also going to suggest as soon as you start making noises of setting up a trust, the true colours will come out and it’s likely it won’t go down too well.

in the meanwhile organise other family or friends to house sit or put the animals into kennels and ask the neighbours to get the mail in (or put it on hold at the post office).

you need to start standing up for yourself, because if he does get in, and things go missing, it is unlikely you will see them ever again and will have no hope of compensation.

I would also pop down to the police station and have a private meeting with the Sargent. Tell him of your concerns. It’s likely he will look to see if there is any history on the guy which you need to keep to yourself if he does find something. BUt better to be informed than not….

Wow people really are taking this to the extreme. Police?! Maybe the boyfriend doesn’t want to go away with his gfs parents… not many men would. And yeah, he probably is taking advantage of some time alone in a nice house… but so what?! Police?!?!!!

This is a conundrum.

Can any positive be found from being in this uncomfortable position?

Maybe reframe it as a role modelling opportunity. How would you hope your daughter would handle such a situation if it happened to her in the future? What advice would you give her? This is what you demonstrate in your handling.

That aside, I think you probably want a solution that stops this whole thing hanging over your head. It sounds like what happened at Christmas had a deep impact. You don’t want that feeling swinging around again and again.

So nip this in the bud by deciding a position on boyfriends staying in your house unaccompanied and stick to it from hereon regardless of changes in boyfriend.

For me, a healthy boundary is that boyfriends are welcome with your daughter but not alone. This is the norm. Be upfront that the situation at Christmas was too much. There were no bad intentions but it made you both feel uncomfortable in your home and can’t be repeated. To avoid confusion in the future, the house rule is… This isn’t a change, the need to think about just hadn’t come up before.. It’ll help keep the relationship with boyf comfortable and positive. He is very welcome, and will be made to feel welcome, with daughter…

And it’s ok if your daughter infers from this that you’re not sure about boyfriend. You’re not and there’s a good reason for that - he took advantage of your generosity. It might stand her in good stead to sense your caution. But of course be kind and respectful to him.

If tensions surface, it’s a sign that this is about adjusting to her developing adulthood. Take the time to work through it. Face the tensions head on now rather than have it hang over you as a shadow.

Plan what you want to say and what from that you want your daughter to remember. Practice it a bit. Think of what questions that might come up and how you’ll respond. Have a holding line ready - if cornered, we’ll need to think about that some more… Don’t raise it when you or she is stressed. Arrange a walk in a calming setting or somewhere neural.

Good luck OP!

I think you should be honest with your daughter. You're not comfortable with her BF staying in your home without you there. I don't see why this would drive her away. I think investing things and lying might be detected and cause, more issues. Honestly is generally best approach

Great advice 👏

That about covers it!

My genuine concern would be that if your daughter is intimidated by him and his parents, her having been reared by such people pleasing parents , and to see them also intimidated and used by them, will surely only make her feel more powerless against them.

As other's have repeatedly written it is crucial that you model firm boundaries with your daughter on this matter so that should she need you, she knows you are strong enough to support.

If you have to offend and upset her by showing her what boundaries and self respect look like, so be it.

Also good advice