Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Bollindger · 23/01/2023 18:45

I would change your door locks, cheap to do at screwfix, you just need the barrel.
Then tell her this.
We would rather BF does not stay , as we realise we have doubts about ANYONE being in the house alone due to things going missing.
We will board the pets, and the house will be locked up.
Do not tell her you changed the locks and if he tries to get in, you can ask her why he thinks he has rights when told no,

icelollycraving · 23/01/2023 18:47

I probably just wouldn’t go. It won’t be relaxing, you’ll be stressed before, during and after.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/01/2023 18:47

Just give him and her all your money and your house now op and be done with it. Least then you won’t be upsetting her in any way.

Advicerequest · 23/01/2023 18:47

WonderingWanda · 23/01/2023 17:37

I haven't read the whole thread but I think you need to let dd know that when his parents came to stay it was actually a terrible imposition. You hadn't invited them and it was actually a realy bloody cheek of dd's bf to invite additional guests into your home....which is not as he suggests one of his bases. Reassure her that you like her boyfriend but he clearly has some boundary issues and so to avoid the situation whereby he treats your home as his own and invites his own guests dd will need to explain this to him. Or you could.

This

pompei8309 · 23/01/2023 18:47

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:46

Anyrandom name .. great suggestion .. woukd do that But.. my fear is that dd will say yes but look bf wants to stay and have a break . She knows other people have done it in our home . Can he stay? Why not. Xyz do ?

Why can’t you say to your dd : no , i don’t care he needs a break , i don’t want him there while we’re not there? are you so much of a wimp? is your dd so sensitive to a firm NO? god , I hate weak ,spineless people

Jolie12345 · 23/01/2023 18:54

I can understand your hesitation but could you perhaps have misjudged him? the last thread (at least the bits I read) was about them taking advantage, eating your food, outstaying their welcome. It wasn’t a case of them being careless in your home / with your belongings. If these people could one day be family maybe you should give them the benefit of doubt and see how it goes? If you’re really worried you could put a lock on your door and move anything you don’t want him touching into that one room

slowquickstep · 23/01/2023 18:56

Just say no ! You are an adult, your daughter is an adult. Tell her that he is only welcome when you are in the house, end of. This situation has spiralled because you are tip toeing around being too frightened to stand up for yourself.

IDontCareMatthew · 23/01/2023 19:00

Is your DD a princess or something??

WHY are you tiptoeing on eggshells around her and her boyfriend? They are adults!

You use the word No. you change the locks

You take back control and step up!

StaunchMomma · 23/01/2023 19:12

Can you go down the house insurance route? Say the house isn't insured for lone visitors (when no owners present) and you'd rather it be empty and insured than occupied and not?

And then either take the pets with you or book kennels?

Also, I think it's fine to say you don't want anyone in your house while you're away. It's a very normal way to feel. If your daughter got upset by that she'd be being awfully precious.

Trinity65 · 23/01/2023 19:20

Olive19741205 · 23/01/2023 16:18

I am guessing she's an only child and you've probably indulged her a lot.

Goodness sake, do people still seriously talk like this? 🙄

Sadly Yes

If, however, she had bothered to read the thread she will SEE that the OP has a Son as well!!
I suffered terribly as an Only with the Spoilt Brat etc when I really was not.
Its disgusting its still trotted out.
I would have bloody loved Siblings and that hurt, and still does.

Trinity65 · 23/01/2023 19:23

As for You OP find a backbone

All these stupid excuses people are suggesting is not broaching the issue at all.

Headabovetheparakeet · 23/01/2023 19:24

@wednesdaynamesep

Why are you back peddling? In your first post you say his behaviour embarrasses you and that you have to prompt him to do things.

People aren't responding to say their partners do all those things you listed every time, they're saying their partners would be more sensitive in a social situation and not completely ignore social norms to the extent that you are embarrassed.

TedMullins · 23/01/2023 19:35

Fenella123 · 23/01/2023 18:24

PS OP I do understand that there are some people who - at the CURRENT stage in their lives - one can't have frank and adult conversations with, without it all blowing up.

(I was quite a "young" twenty something myself, I mean NOW ofc I look back and cringe..).

Sometimes the white lies (ideally not even lies, just a carefully chosen version of the truth) tide things over just long enough for the problem to disappear. So they definitely can be a useful tactic!

Yes, ideally you could say, "DD it's your choice who to date, we 100% agree, but our home is our choice." But I've definitely known people who would take that very badly...

Let them take it badly then? The DD is probably as entitled as the bf if she’s never been told no. Time to grow some balls and put your needs first OP.

Canthave2manycats · 23/01/2023 19:36

I have 2 DDs around the same age and they sure as hell would be told the lie of the land!

All you need to do is break down the whole Christmas episode, and make it clear to your DD that this will never be repeated.

Who's to say that the Gruesome Threesome couldn't move in and change the locks for you? That would make them hard to get rid of!

Put your foot down. Just no. Plus take all the security precautions suggested to make sure that he doesn't just rock up anyway. There's something suspicious going on - a mere 3 weeks after having to literally shove them out the door, he's planning on helping himself to your home again! This is going to happen again and again, so now is the time to put a stop to it.

DoorstoManual · 23/01/2023 19:38

I haven't caught up with this thread since this morning, but I was thinking about it in the shower, I do my best thinking in the shower. Grin

I would tell DD that this your house and obviously your DH's bought on the back of hard work, it is her home, it will always be her home, but it is not a base for waifs, strays, or thieves, might be best to leave that out Grinand most importantly you are not running a drop in centre for his parents and oh by the way your home is not one of his bases.

Job done. Bish Bash Bosh.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/01/2023 19:38

icelollycraving · 23/01/2023 18:47

I probably just wouldn’t go. It won’t be relaxing, you’ll be stressed before, during and after.

I agree.

HeadNorth · 23/01/2023 19:39

Headabovetheparakeet · 23/01/2023 19:24

@wednesdaynamesep

Why are you back peddling? In your first post you say his behaviour embarrasses you and that you have to prompt him to do things.

People aren't responding to say their partners do all those things you listed every time, they're saying their partners would be more sensitive in a social situation and not completely ignore social norms to the extent that you are embarrassed.

Got to say, my DH would help people with bags and would never serve himself first at a buffet, especially if there were older people to be fed. Same for me, now I think of it. It is nothing to do with chivalry and everything to do with good manners.

RedPanda901 · 23/01/2023 19:42

Arrange for a trusted friend to stay while you are away. Just say: they really insisted on helping us out so no need for bf to stay.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/01/2023 19:42

DoorstoManual · 23/01/2023 19:38

I haven't caught up with this thread since this morning, but I was thinking about it in the shower, I do my best thinking in the shower. Grin

I would tell DD that this your house and obviously your DH's bought on the back of hard work, it is her home, it will always be her home, but it is not a base for waifs, strays, or thieves, might be best to leave that out Grinand most importantly you are not running a drop in centre for his parents and oh by the way your home is not one of his bases.

Job done. Bish Bash Bosh.

@DoorstoManual

but it’s not OP’s daughters home is it?

its her parents home

she has her own home which she shares with her boyfriend

she is a 24 year old woman after all

cosmiccosmos · 23/01/2023 19:43

The reason I have said to lie is because I think at this point it's the easiest way to protect OPs relationship with her daughter. The moment she starts being honest with the DD about this guy and his lack of boundaries and saying 'we don't trust him/want him here' is potentially the moment the DD gets upset, tells him and he turns the DD against her parents. This will just elongate the time it take for the DD to realise what he's like.

ihaveopinions · 23/01/2023 19:44

I've read most of this thread and your previous one, OP. I just can't imagine putting up with that shit and not setting them straight but then I'm not a 'people pleaser'. You're now dreading all sorts of future transgressions. and thinking of changing your lifestyle to fit. Madness!
Frankly, he's building up to cuckoo status! Your options range from hiring a hitman to moving house or how about having a frank conversation with your DD? Or is there an intermediary like your DS who can speak to her about it?

cosmiccosmos · 23/01/2023 19:46

I am still surprised that the DD didn't see anything wrong with the extended stay and behaviour of the parents! Perhaps OP should ask the DD how she gets on with them and what she thought of the going's on?!

DoorstoManual · 23/01/2023 19:52

@LuckySantangelo35

I would like to think that if my son needed a refuge he could come home to his home regardless. So yes in my mind it will always be his home.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 19:57

Jolie12345 · 23/01/2023 18:54

I can understand your hesitation but could you perhaps have misjudged him? the last thread (at least the bits I read) was about them taking advantage, eating your food, outstaying their welcome. It wasn’t a case of them being careless in your home / with your belongings. If these people could one day be family maybe you should give them the benefit of doubt and see how it goes? If you’re really worried you could put a lock on your door and move anything you don’t want him touching into that one room

It's hard to believe that you are urging OP to open her home to an unsupervised shoplifter who has already shown how entitled he is to wander into her bedroom, eat all her food, offer no help, outstay his welcome & impose his equally mooching parents on her.

I also can't understand why you understand OP's hesitation.
It's high time she said the simple word "no" to her daughter.

katepilar · 23/01/2023 19:58

I think that sooner or later you will have to make yourself clear that the boyfriend isnt to invited himself or his parents to stay in your house as he pleases, you being there or not.

Swipe left for the next trending thread