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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
GMOOH2023 · 23/01/2023 16:49

Ah, so it turns out that OP is a "people pleaser".

How pleased are you feeling about this ludicrous situation OP?

How pleased is your husband feeling?

Why not just hand over all your bank details too and set the CF up as a co signatory on your accounts. Make sure you name him as a beneficiary of any insurance policies too. I'm sure he would be very pleased indeed.

Olive19741205 · 23/01/2023 16:50

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 23/01/2023 16:33

I mean it’s a valid point. How can you be so scared of your daughter that you are willing to go to such extents are lying you’re putting the house on the market and all the other ridiculous suggestions made here rather than having an open adult conversation about why you don’t want him tko stay.

I’m also not getting all this bf’s being allowed to stay in your house so easily and readily. There was a post about a 16 year olds bf staying over, that’s ridiculous.

Show quote history

That wasn't the OP who suggested those though was it?

2Rebecca · 23/01/2023 16:52

Agree to the just say no thing. If your daughter makes a fuss then I'd say you are concerned that her boyfriend staying in your house when you aren't there seems to be more important in her booking the weekend than it should be and that you aren't happy she is making that a condition of her spending time with you.

euff · 23/01/2023 16:56

I would take pp's up on these one way or another:

• Security cameras inside and out
• Safe for all important paperwork
• registering for alerts with the land registry

Not sure if someone already mentioned this but if they stay together and you gift money for house deposits etc then ring fence if possible.

Who is the executor of your Will. Who will make decisions for you if you lose capacity and one of you is no longer around? If you have another DC old enough could it be them or jointly (and not severally) with DD in case she is being manipulated. Make sure trusted people know your wishes.

Maybe leave some paperwork out on purpose to raise some eyebrows.

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …
Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …
Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …
Meltychocolateteapot · 23/01/2023 16:56

Have an honest conversation with your DD. Her BF is not a good guy, he seems manipulative and has some pretty unpleasant character traits. Your DD is oblivious to this. This goes way beyond him wanting to use your house. By having an honest conversation with your DD you might be saving her from a miserable life with this loser. She might not be happy to hear what you have to say, but on the other hand it might open her eyes to the type of man he is. Also, think he suggested this little trip so he (and his parents) could use your house as their personal holiday home.

Daffodilis · 23/01/2023 17:00

wednesdaynamesep · 23/01/2023 14:10

So, your husband

  1. Stands whenever a woman walks into a room. Always.
  2. Let's all women serve themselves first at a buffet before getting his own food. Just because they are women. Always.
  3. Opens doors for you wherever you go
  4. Comes out of the house when he hears your car to check if you need help with the shopping bags
  5. Gives up his seat everywhere (public transport, private homes etc) to women irrespective of whether they are pregnant, elderly etc
  6. Walks on the roadside of the pavement whenever walking alongside a woman
  7. Never ever walks through a door ahead of you and always opens it.
  8. Pours all your drinks for you (this is the thing my DH actually does do at home)
  9. Etc.

If you say yes to all of this, I just wouldn't believe you. If you say no, then your husband is an arsehole too (by your standards).

Show quote history

Ffs, seriously? Ha ha ha

trulyunruly01 · 23/01/2023 17:05

Look, you don't like them. You don't want them staying in your house. Truth is, you don't want them even popping in to borrow a cup of sugar.
And the great thing about having YOUR house, full of YOUR stuff, paid for with YOUR money is - you don't have to have them.
Your home is your castle, there should be no place on earth where you feel safer, more comfortable, secure and at peace.
Outside of our home we have to mix with and deal with all manner of people in all manner of situations. But not in our own home.
Just Say No. and if that means changing locks and limiting access then that's what it means.

Backstreets · 23/01/2023 17:17

Doesn't look like there's a way around it I'm afraid OP, you're going to have to talk to DD. It's not on that she offers your house to others, including BF, and you'll sort your own arrangements re: dogs. You said you wanted to put down boundaries - here's your chance.

applebee33 · 23/01/2023 17:22

Why on earth do his parents want to be staying in your home anyway ? So strange

Zuma76 · 23/01/2023 17:23

I think you are being given an unreasonably hard time here. This is your DD. You clearly have a lovely relationship with her and are trying to navigate around the fact you aren’t keen on her bf and his family. She will be offended if you say anything and you may lose contact or at least the special relationship you have and my instinct is that loss would destroy you more than having to put up with bf.
I’d not be honest. I’d got with other pp and say that you have organised dog care. Either a good friend or a professional.
min future if he does try and invite his parents to yours then be honest. Say that more than happy to socialise and get to know his parents but it is too much to have them in the house.

Tricolette · 23/01/2023 17:24

I would get someone else to stay and say that they are doing something specific for you.
Then pay them to paint a bathroom or something.
And put locks on your bedroom door.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 17:26

You clearly have a lovely relationship with her
There's nothing lovely about being pathologically unable to say "no" to your child.

I’d not be honest.
Or in advising people to be dishonest in their closest relationships ...

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 17:27

Tricolette · 23/01/2023 17:24

I would get someone else to stay and say that they are doing something specific for you.
Then pay them to paint a bathroom or something.
And put locks on your bedroom door.

You would pay for a bathroom to be painted rather than say "no, you are not allowed in my house"?

😂😂😂

You should write for sitcoms.

Advicerequest · 23/01/2023 17:29
  1. the boyfriend is a bad un and this whole trip away feels suspicious
  2. my dad lives in a beautiful much coveted homiday region. The only person he has ever let stay there without him is me and my sibling. No one else would dream of asking
  3. you owe his parents nothing and your house is not your daughters house to gift access. This holds true even if they marry.
Headabovetheparakeet · 23/01/2023 17:33

I'd love to know if the posters suggesting op make major to her house or tell an elaborate lie to avoid a difficult conversation actually do things like this in their own lives.

WonderingWanda · 23/01/2023 17:37

I haven't read the whole thread but I think you need to let dd know that when his parents came to stay it was actually a terrible imposition. You hadn't invited them and it was actually a realy bloody cheek of dd's bf to invite additional guests into your home....which is not as he suggests one of his bases. Reassure her that you like her boyfriend but he clearly has some boundary issues and so to avoid the situation whereby he treats your home as his own and invites his own guests dd will need to explain this to him. Or you could.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2023 17:39

wednesdaynamesep · 23/01/2023 12:12

Well ... I was trying to avoid the word 'class' and settled on British instead. And used 'chivalry' instead of manners. Because my husband isn't actually rude- he just looks rude out of his British context.

My DH is solidly middle class and no one in the UK would ever describe him as rude. He's kind, a brilliant dad and very very bright. If he was a pig-ignorant oaf, I wouldn't have married him. But the way my family behave is just not how he was raised. Mine are as if they've stepped out of a period drama on TV. DH is a normal British bloke.

Show quote history

No. Not really.

And I don't know any 'middle-class' men like that

Benjispruce4 · 23/01/2023 17:40

Say you’ve got someone who wants to look after your pets as they’re thinking of getting one.

Tricolette · 23/01/2023 17:41

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 17:27

You would pay for a bathroom to be painted rather than say "no, you are not allowed in my house"?

😂😂😂

You should write for sitcoms.

Show quote history

😂 I really should.

Sunnistery · 23/01/2023 17:42

I have read both threads fully OP.

What stands out is how fearful you seem to be about being honest with your 24 year old daughter, a grown woman who lives 5 hours away independently.

I wonder if she is manipulative, being manipulated or is oblivious given by your own admission you had an open-house all-inclusive policy in your home. She may simply feel this extends to anyone associated to her. I am sceptical and feel she isn't all innocent in this but I am trying to understand the dynamics here - which do sound a little dysfunctional tbh. I simply cannot believe the Christmas set up in your own home.. that you just went along with.

I would not make up stories, lie or waver here in the slightest when it came to telling dd WHY your home isn't his 'base' and moreover, why you don't like him, and that he definitely will NEVER be staying in your home alone.

I have an almost adult daughter and wouldn't think twice about being straight with her. That is what part of being a parent is about. My own mother is still straight with me on the odd occasion I need telling.

I don't want to add to the dramatics either, but something about this trip so soon after the extended Christmas stay just doesn't add up. I wouldn't trust him at all, and by extension your dd while she remains so in awe of him.

Sometimes stepping back is necessary in moving things forward.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2023 17:42

NanaWelshcake · 23/01/2023 16:41

Your daughter is 24.

I have 5 children aged between 31 and 44. I’m 64 on my birthday. We spend a lot of time together but our time together is never organized because I’m getting older.

Just how old are you? And just how manipulative is your DD to have been able to come up with that gem.

The sport he does? Is there a competition nearby that weekend? Is it his mother and fathers anniversary or something? Because you do know it’s not just him who’ll turn up to watch the dogs.

Show quote history

Same here (bit older)

My kids have never wanted to see me because we might be running out of time!

Sunnistery · 23/01/2023 17:43

ps @wednesdaynamesep really curious about which country you grew up in.

lemmein · 23/01/2023 17:52

Haven't RTFT but I don't understand why this is even an issue OP. I have 2 adult DDs and in your situation I'd just say I don't want anybody staying in my home when I'm not there; that's not weird or unreasonable. The fact that you seem unable to be as blunt and honest with your DD indicates there's bigger issues in your relationship.

Don't make excuses - your stance on this is perfectly reasonable, no excuses needed.

Patineur · 23/01/2023 17:52

For this trip, make your usual arrangements for the pets, tell your DD you did that as soon as you heard about it, so no need for the BF to help. And put an extra lock on the door.

For the future, start artlessly dropping truth bombs into the conversation with your DD. Start talking about odd things people do, say e.g. "That reminds me, have you noticed how Wanker Boyfriend always has to boast when he thinks he has the biggest food portion or the best seat in the room, have you ever asked him why he does that, we just couldn't work out why he keeps doing it?" Or "I've always thought it much more sexy when men share share all the work in the house and don't leave all the cooking to the little woman, what do you think, DD?" Or "You don't know why Wanker went into our bedroom when you stayed at Christmas, do you, DD?" With luck the shine will begin to come off him and your daughter will start to question things for herself.

HallwayDoor · 23/01/2023 17:53

@Duvetdaysaregood you keep mentioning a back story and to see your previous thread but might help just for a quick summary on this one?