Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP. I agree with the other posters, who think that he wants access to the house to look through your paperwork ect.
I would consider getting a property alert put on your house, so that if anyone tried to transfer it out of your name you would be informed. This can be done in 5 mins via the Gov. UK website and the Land registry.

Thanks all . Yes am here! At work and have not been able to read all the responses yet.
I know I am a people pleaser .. and I know why.
He seemed better initially, its been a gradual thing , showing these traits.
I know we need to take action , and will discuss with dh .
It is just that we were taken aback as its not that long since they were here.

Yes don’t sugar coat it. Do as above.

Your house, your rules.

And if you need to explain it - say how would you feel if we invited one of our friends to sleep in your bedroom. Because that’s your private space. Our whole home is our private space, and whilst we allow some old friends to stay - we trust them as adults, and previously have lived with them - made mutual exchange or some such explanation.

Also ask if anything were to happen to the dogs or the house on his watch it would tarnish the relationship.

It’s odd really. I am very close to my in laws. There’s no way I would want responsibility for their house sitting.

You may be a people pleaser but your DD BF is taking the piss, overstaying at christmas, stating your home is one of his bases and your anxiety about him inviting his parents over is concerning in itself. Pet and house sitting is one thing turning it into a holiday for his parents requires an agreement. If you cant trust him you say no, what is there to discuss with your DH?

@wednesdaynamesep

Please stop attributing your husbands poor manners to his nationality. British people have a bad enough rep in some countries as it is. 😂

I am guessing she's an only child and you've probably indulged her a lot.

Goodness sake, do people still seriously talk like this? 🙄

Whatever you do don't make up some bullshit excuse as this will happen time and time again. You need to be kind but blunt - really looking forward to our trip away but just wanted to make it clear bf can't stay in our house when we are away and under no circumstances do we want his parents staying either - it's not a hotel and it's just too weird knowing virtual stangers will be in our home whilst we're away. We're arranging kennels/sitters and please do not ever allow anyone to enter our house when we aren't there.

Fit a Ring doorbell and ideally change the locks and forget to give one to your dd unless you can trust her not to give it to bf or make a copy. Lay down some boundaries before it's too late.

Awful to have to suggest but lock on your bedroom door which you only use when he's visiting.

Yeah, you're right, this is an awful suggestion!

If you feel the need to put a lock on your bedroom door to keep him out then he shouldn't be a guest in your house.

You really need to just be straight with her; "look, I'm sorry but we really don't like him and do not want him staying at our house on his own." etc. It really is as simple as that. You are going to have to tell her you don't like him or trust him. It's the only way. It may make her think, too.

I have not read all of this but quite frankly OP you are bonkers. You need to tell your daughter that you do not want anybody other than her staying at your house without your permission and you definitely don’t anybody staying there while you are away. You need to arrange proper paid for care for your dogs while you are away. Stop relying on free favours from other people.
My children always asked if their partners (now spouses) could stay.
If it is too late for this upcoming holiday, get all your important documents ( passports, mortgage deeds etc) together and lock them away. Change the passwords on your computers and turn them off.

Honestly I think you need to be honest with DD. Although you like her BF, he's not your close friend or family and you're uncomfortable having him stay 🤷 you need to be honest and not lie at this point.

Get a House sitter. Message daughter along the lines of "Didnt we mention it earlier? Whoops must have slipped my mind. Yes all sorted, didn't want to put bf out so no need to worry but thank you darling for always thinking of us"

Have you considered adding extra security to the house. Such as mortice locks on internal doors, ones you woudl lock in the event of going away for additional security in the even of a break in. Ones that woudl making staying impossible (locking the kitchen, locking each bedroom, locking the control over heating etc.). Install security cameras in the house (some concealed, some obvious in places such as covering the entrances).

Then make arrangements for the pets and say he does not need to stay. When you leave simply lock all doors. If she insists on him staying then you could see how he handles only having her room unlocked and having security cameras watching him.

It is a matter of making him uncomfortable about the decision to stay.

I'd be telling her that as her boyfriend, he has been welcome to stay as her guest but it is not his home, or one of his 'bases'.

@Thisistyresome

Why play games? Just tell him he can't stay!

It honestly baffles me that someone would consider putting locks on all their internal doors/ heating controls and installing cameras rather than just say 'no' to someone.

I mean it’s a valid point. How can you be so scared of your daughter that you are willing to go to such extents are lying you’re putting the house on the market and all the other ridiculous suggestions made here rather than having an open adult conversation about why you don’t want him tko stay.

I’m also not getting all this bf’s being allowed to stay in your house so easily and readily. There was a post about a 16 year olds bf staying over, that’s ridiculous.

If you want to make an omelette you have to break some eggs.

If you aren't going to be honest with your DD, if you keep pussyfooting around the real issues, then there will be no solution. It's going to keep happening over and over and over and his taking advantage will continue to escalate. At some point you are going to have to tell DD exactly why you don't want her bf in the house 'unsupervised', so it may as well be now. Tell her that he takes advantage of your hospitality, he invites others into your home, he has stolen. When she protests you tell her that just as she is entitled to believe what she wants, so are you. That perhaps at some point in the future he may 'prove' himself to you, but that day is not how.

Make other arrangements for the dogs, whatever suits you (and the dogs). And I agree with a PP, install secondary locks on the doors that you use when you go away. Leave that key with a neighbour and tell them the key is not to be handed over without confirmation from you. That way if DD does need to access your house when you're away she'll be able to. But the bf won't.

I remember your previous thread @Duvetdaysaregood and the stress you and your DH were under. I also know from my own family that your DD might not see his behaviour so clearly or indeed be conditioned to believe he is nothing but kind - that’s really hard.

I would be honest with a few white lies 🫣. Sorry DD it’s kind of him to offer but the older we get (making it your issue not one you have with him exactly) we just don’t feel comfortable having guests in our home when we are not there. Perhaps it’s post pandemic or just our age but it makes me anxious. I much prefer to lock the house us, set the alarm and go away leaving everything secure. I’m sure BF will understand, we look forward to seeing him when you both visit at Easter/May bank holiday etc.

If you say 'yes' - you have taken a step towards him moving in!
(It will become his base - rather than one of his bases- in next to no time.)

Plan carefully and think ahead.
A little strife now is worth it to prevent huge strife in future.

Say the word that is not 'yes'.
Change the locks.
Know that you are being reasonable (even if not in their eyes).

That is just delaying things. It will crop up again. And again. The bf will want to stay there next time they go away. She can't keep putting it off, she needs to be straight and blunt with her daughter.

This is an absolutely perfect response.

Takes away the fact that OP says they have done things like this in the past with family etc. But things change.

You need to be honest. He can't stay in your home without her and it is your home so will not be able to use it as a 'base'.

Your daughter is 24.

I have 5 children aged between 31 and 44. I’m 64 on my birthday. We spend a lot of time together but our time together is never organized because I’m getting older.

Just how old are you? And just how manipulative is your DD to have been able to come up with that gem.

The sport he does? Is there a competition nearby that weekend? Is it his mother and fathers anniversary or something? Because you do know it’s not just him who’ll turn up to watch the dogs.

I have to agree that your husband is just plain ignorant.

And I’d be interested in knowing which country your family are from. It sounds nice.

So many weird suggestions on here. Lock on her bedroom door, CCTV, lies on top of lies when she could just say NO 😂😂