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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Everyonehasavoice · 23/01/2023 14:20

MidCenturyChild · 23/01/2023 13:44

Awful to have to suggest but lock on your bedroom door which you only use when he's visiting.

It really is irrelevant that you have seen him steal, the point is it’s your house
You don’t have to go down the route of explaining to your DD why you’re not comfortable. Getting her to accept he’s a thief etc.

The point is, you don’t want him in YOUR house when you’re not there.

SallyWD · 23/01/2023 14:22

Use a house sitter. We use Trusted Housesitters www.trustedhousesitters.com/?gclid=Cj0KCQiA_bieBhDSARIsADU4zLdl3AG12r8NptQOtZw6SPvrAB0ij6St292MlNWKLna23NsP-K0DzPgaAofVEALw_wcB
Always been a very positive experience

Everyonehasavoice · 23/01/2023 14:22

Stravaig · 23/01/2023 14:18

OP! Stop identifying DD's boyfriend and his parents as the problem.

You and your husband are the problem.
You lack assertiveness.
You don't communicate clearly.
You don't have strong or appropriate boundaries with your adult children. Or with anyone else, I suspect.

You and your husband need to improve your skills in these areas.
The benefits?

Your home will be secure.
Everyone will be clear about what acceptable behaviour is.
Your relationships will be healthier, and built on genuine love, not fear.
Your children will respect you - and will be able to follow your example in their own lives.

(I read and participated in the previous thread too.)

👏👏👏👏

BirlinBrain · 23/01/2023 14:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

DoristheDuchess · 23/01/2023 14:25

Do you think the OP will come back?

I'm actually really concerned about the situation she's allowing herself to be pushed into by not speaking up.

TeapotCollection · 23/01/2023 14:27

Agree with everyone else, it’s time to get tough with your daughter

I just can’t get past him saying that your house is “one of his bases”. I bet the arsehole walks around YOUR house rubbing his hands when you’re not looking

billy1966 · 23/01/2023 14:27

@wednesdaynamesep your husband is utterly uncouth and obviously comes from a very rough background.

You have chosen very poorly and tolerate it.

All the posts that point out the awful behaviour the OP and her husband are modelling is indeed not helping her daughter at all.

Change your locks.
Install a doorbell camera.

Make it very clear to your daughter that you would appreciate her respecting your choices.

The various suggestions at spelling out your distaste for the behaviour exhibited by him at Christmas is a good idea, whilst emphasising she is always welcome.

If she chooses to take long term offence that is on her.

Bottom line is it couldn't have been avoided.

Being in denial about just how complicit your daughter is in all this will only make things worse.

Entitled, rude, and presumptuous covers her behaviour IMO.

Not 3 weeks since you got rid of them.

3 weeks!!

TodayInahurry · 23/01/2023 14:27

Book dog sitter and change the locks

Pansypotter123 · 23/01/2023 14:27

Also, is it just your daughter and her boyfriend you have difficulties setting boundaries with?

Your other guests - do they tend to just invite themselves? Or do you specifically invite them yourselves?

TeapotCollection · 23/01/2023 14:28

Me too DoristheDuchess ☹️

I so hope she can find the strength to sort this

Hont1986 · 23/01/2023 14:36

I agree that OP's assertiveness and anxiety seems to be the major issue here, not any actual fault on the part of the boyfriend.

I read the previous thread, it was ridiculous - basically a meek middle-class family has a brash working-class family over to stay, and culture clash ensues. The boyfriend just got up and took an ice cream from the freezer, how beastly!

If you don't want him over then say it, it's perfectly within your rights. You don't have to let anyone in if you don't want to. But I think it's a stretch to believe that he's going to move his parents in while you're away.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 23/01/2023 14:38

I absolutely wouldn't allow it, I presume like most people of your age, I'm in my 60s too, you have your private papers relating to personal matters and finance etc., not everything, particularly if it is historical is on computers. You already don't trust the bf, why would you give him free access to rummage around through all your stuff, possibly with his parents having a nosy too . You clearly don't crave such a personal relationship with them they don't come as part of a package with the dubious boyfriend. Listen to the advice here and enforce some boundaries.

Crazycrazylady · 23/01/2023 14:38

You're going to need to deal with this but on the short term invent some friends ago are having their house painted that weekend who will look after dogs for you as well so totally win win.
If she complains tell her you've committed

cobblers123 · 23/01/2023 14:39

What if anything has been your husband's contribution in dealing with this problem? Or is he leaving the worry and stress solely up to you to sort out?

Ormally · 23/01/2023 14:41

Someone offers you a holiday as a gift = very generous.

Someone also wants to manage the access to your own house as part of it, without being invited to do that = very 'off'.

There have been a couple of occasions we invited family members to housesit for us because we needed it, but they do now expect it if we are due to be away for any length of time. On one occasion they did invite other (very sensible) family members round without asking beforehand and 'had a bit of a party' - it did feel really weird to find that out and it affected my feeling about the intention behind looking after someone's house vs. taking more than what was offered.

Thesenderofthiscard · 23/01/2023 14:43

I remember other thread - they overstayed and are tight.

But what are you worried about the BF staying exactly? trying to understand? Are you worried he won't leave when you get back? Steal something? break something?

LuluBlakey1 · 23/01/2023 14:48

wednesdaynamesep · 23/01/2023 11:32

I just skim read the previous thread and it gave me the creeps. There is a culture difference in my family too (DH is British, my family are not), and there is a culture of male chivalry in my country that DH just lacks.

Examples: First thing the men do when they walk into a room in the evening, is check whether anyone wants a drink (women never pour drinks). DH seems to think he's a guest, and sits about getting waited on.

If the women have gone grocery shopping, men come out to help carry in anything heavy. Doesn't even occur to DH. I have to ask / tell him to do it in the UK.

Going on a long journey: men tend to pack the car boots, fetching and carrying heavy items from the house. DH sits on his arse (in the UK I pack the boot because he's useless at it).

A man would never walk through a door ahead of a women; DH thinks nothing of it.

The one that embarrasses me the most: when food is being served and there is a crowd, children get served first, then women, and the men go last. At Christmas, I turned around to see my DH cheerfully piling his plate high while the women and children waited, and the men were standing back chatting, watching and waiting. First in the queue. I have spoken about this to him before, and his logic is the men take too long and their food gets cold.

I see it all and it embarrasses me. I don't notice it as much in the UK because chivalry is a bit dead here, and he's one of many. But crikey, in my country he comes across as seriously rude and lazy. I am slightly irritated with him the whole stay, and that irritation eases when back in the UK.

My point is, your daughter already knows what her bf is, because you raised her and she knows how all your family and friends behave. She shares your values. She's in denial about her bf, or hoping you haven't noticed.

If you gently tell her you felt taken advantage of, don't like the way he talks to her Dad, did not appreciate him going into your bedroom or helping himself without asking first etc, then she'll know you've seen it too. It won't be a surprise. She might be miffed you won't participate in wilful blindness, but too bad. It's her job to manage the relationship between you and him, not yours ... she's the common link. You need to set boundaries though, and be very clear about what you do and do not expect.

In my case, my DH gets his ass handed to him every time ... by me. Imagine fierce whispers: "All the men are fetching and carrying and packing the car ...move your arse and help please !"

I also have massive mental load to anticipate his lack of chivalry and warn him in advance: "When we get to 'x' do NOT sit down until all the women and elderly are seated first. If a woman walks in and there isn't a seat ... stand up and give her yours." I do get push back: "That's just stupid / sexist etc". My response is "My country, my family, my rules...". Your daughter needs to do the same.

Finally, I've told my mum and sister I've noticed it all too and it embarrasses me. They haven't raised it with me ... I got there first. I explained things are very different in the UK. I think they feel a twinge of sympathy for my DH whenever he slips up because they know he's probably going to get told off by me when we're alone.

Having said all that, I think there's more to your daughter's bf than just a culture difference. I'm afraid he sounds like a bit of a creep. Watch him closely. And maybe calling this out now will help your daughter to see him for who he is, instead of everyone supporting her denial by participating in a delusion that there's nothing odd about it.

I really don't think it's because your DH is British- he just sounds tone deaf and ignorant to me.

My DH is British and doesn't do any of those things, mainly because he was brought up to have good manners but also because he is sensitive to situations and what is expected.

Fraaahnces · 23/01/2023 14:49

Also, TELLING you that he considers your place his other gaff is not a compliment, it is him marking his territory. (As is helping himself to the freezer and being brought cups of tea in bed, the slug.) Your DD has been systematically trained via sulking and gaslighting to believe that this is normal and acceptable.

clairelouwho · 23/01/2023 14:51

As many other PP's have rightly stated, you need to be upfront and honest.

Pussy-footing around the issue with excuses is only going to lead this to rear its head again and again and again. If you say, 'Oh, don't worry about that, X from next door will pop in to mind the dogs,' your DD and her BF will pipe up with some version of 'no need when BF is ready and willing!' and so on and so forth.

You need to be direct with her. Yes, it will probably result in some upset. That's not your fault. You are entitled to set boundaries in your own home and decide who can and can't stay over. He's not entitled to view your home as one of his bases. That's ridiculous and your DD should have called it out!

I know and understand that you don't want to cause your DD upset or hurt her, or cause her to side with her BF. If she does that, that's up to her. That doesn't mean she and her BF get to walk all over you because you're afraid to say anything.

He's your DD's choice for her DP, but that doesn't mean that he's yours or that you have to go out of your way to be accepting and accommodating to him in any way. Be civil, welcoming when they're together and when you have to be, but put boundaries up that you feel comfortable with.

Your DD likely knows what he is like and is choosing to overlook it in favour of other ideas-but you don't have to be a participant to her wilful ignorance. Tell her honestly that you didn't appreciate how they all behaved at Christmas and you will not allow another such instance to occur. She can choose who she wants as a partner, but you also get to choose who stays in your home. Not them.

Remove her key. Change locks. Install ring doorbell. Make it abundantly clear that he or his family are not welcome to stay in your home-and if she or attempts to sidestep that rule-will be tantamount to trespass.

You have to set down firm and clear boundaries where these CF's (and I'm including your DD in that too) are concerned, because if they sniff a little bit of give, they will take.

Like many others, I'm questioning and doubting the motives behind this impromptu trip away. Seems more of a convenient route to get her BF and his family in.

Tread carefully, OP.

Eddielizzard · 23/01/2023 14:53

I'd say no, I don't feel comfortable with him in our home without us there. If he's there, we have to be there.

If she questions that, I'd ask why it's so important. Deflect by asking her questions.

I strongly suspect he's put her up to asking you away, so he can stay there on his own. Free rein of the place. What a nightmare.

You have to address this, you can't let him stay. Under no circs.

MugginsOverEre · 23/01/2023 14:54

It's clear as day that you don't like him. And that's valid. He's shown you he's not that likeable and has given you reason to be wary.

I think you need to change the locks. Lie to DD if you need to (AFTER she finds out. No need to be proactive and give her a chance to kick up a fuss for a key) by telling her your key snapped off last week and it was easier to replace the barrel than keep trying to get it out.

Tell DD you've got kennels sorted and that these days you don't feel comfortable having anyone at all, even DD's BF in your home when you're not there. Make it plain that you do NOT want anyone in your house. Not to check it's secure, not to watch dogs nor to even water your bloody Yukka. She needs to know that there is no reason her BF should be going to your house and it would be against your wishes.

Lastly, get wireless cameras. We have Blink cameras (Amazon) outside that notify us whenever someone comes by. You can get external and internal cameras. Put a few hidden away round your house. At worst, you will have paid for cameras you didn't need because the BF never showed. That's good. Having extra home security is never a bad thing.

OR, the BF shows and tries to gain access. This will open it up for a proper talk with your DD. Either she didn't know and now distrusts dodgy BF, or she knew and you know you need to be taking precautions while she's with him. Hopefully not long.

Third and worst of all is that he breaks in. You have video evidence. He gets what's coming to him via the law and DD is face the reality of who he is.

LuluBlakey1 · 23/01/2023 14:55

I don't get all the tiptoeing round your daughter. Don't tell her lies about why he can't stay just tell her the truth.
'This is difficult for me and your dad but we need to say this and be honest with you. We do not feel at all comfortable with BF ever staying in our house when we are not there. We don't want him or his parents to ever do that. I know you might feel upset about that but that's how we feel and I wanted to be honest with you. When we are at home he is welcome to visit as your guest but under no circumstances when we are away.'

Fladdermus · 23/01/2023 14:56

wednesdaynamesep · 23/01/2023 14:10

So, your husband

  1. Stands whenever a woman walks into a room. Always.
  2. Let's all women serve themselves first at a buffet before getting his own food. Just because they are women. Always.
  3. Opens doors for you wherever you go
  4. Comes out of the house when he hears your car to check if you need help with the shopping bags
  5. Gives up his seat everywhere (public transport, private homes etc) to women irrespective of whether they are pregnant, elderly etc
  6. Walks on the roadside of the pavement whenever walking alongside a woman
  7. Never ever walks through a door ahead of you and always opens it.
  8. Pours all your drinks for you (this is the thing my DH actually does do at home)
  9. Etc.

If you say yes to all of this, I just wouldn't believe you. If you say no, then your husband is an arsehole too (by your standards).

My DH and all the men in his family do all of them. The men in my family don't but then they are all arseholes (they're also not British).

Trinity65 · 23/01/2023 14:58

Hereslookinatyoukid · 23/01/2023 11:59

Nice bit of only-child shaming there @Ridemeginger. Your stereotypes are nonsense. Also, if you had basic comprehension skills you would know that the OP has at least one other child.

Well Said
The "ONLYisms" on here are so stereotypical and wrong.

We weren't all Violet Elizabeth's you know!! (My age group will get that).

LuluBlakey1 · 23/01/2023 14:58

And add the additional locks and don't give her a key.

There's no way, in your situation, I'd allow him (or his parents) to stay in my house when DH and I were away- even if DD was with him.