Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

Awful to have to suggest but lock on your bedroom door which you only use when he's visiting.

I disagree. I think clear, direct and indisputable truth is what’s needed here. No more dithering about. But that’s clearly not this poster’s nature.

I've just skimmed your other thread . This arrangement is to suit him. He's bringing his family or friends for a holiday in your home or something. His domineering behaviour is worrying with regard to your DD but also with you and your DH as you get older and more vulnerable.

Did I read you have another DC? Could they come with friends? Do you have anyone who you wouldn't mind having a holiday in your home and looking after dogs and tell DD this is what's happening?

You do need to talk to DD. Tell her she's always welcome but that your home isn't for others to invite themselves to or extend their stays in. Tell her that your home is always going to be enticing to others and that you want to be able to enjoy it yourselves and with your DC.

Please get the security cameras and ring doorbell!

This is absolutely bonkers.

Yes, I did read your previous thread. You need to stop pussyfooting around your DD for a start. If you don't want the BF (and his family) in, then you don't want him in. End of. It's your house and you get the last word.

You need to address this with her definitively or it's just going to keep coming up repeatedly. There's no point lying or trying to come up with a variety of excuses. Tell her straight. Tell her you're booking the dogs into kennels so no, BF will not be staying. If she argues/says he'll be happy to do it, you simply say no, it's not happening as I've explained and that's the end of it.

I honestly don't understand why you're walking on eggshells around her. It's YOUR home and not hers. She doesn't live there and she doesn't get a say in what goes on.

I do agree too with PPs ideas of an additional lock just to ensure that they can't get in. If they tried, then you would have every right to go nuclear on the lot of them.

I'm really confused. At first, you were over the moon to accept the offer. And you knew that the dogs couldn't come, so what was the plan then?

Why all the hand-wringing? Arrange care for the dogs and present it as a fait accompli. "That's a nice offer, but we've already set up the kennel." Or decline the invitation with a white lie, e.g, oops double-booked.

You don't want him house-sitting. So don't invite him to house-sit. If he awkwardly pushes the issue just give a bland non-response. He's your daughter's awkward bf, you owe him nothing.

I mean this kindly - but you need to stand up for yourselves. You don't want the bf staying - just say so. There is no real way round it, and even if you make other arrangements you can't guarantee he won't come anyway by the sounds of it. "Thanks for making all these arrangements, we're really touched. But we don't want anyone else staying in our home without us being here. If we can have a bit longer to arrange pet care then we'll join you at some other time."

As anyrandomname said, you tell her other arrangements have been made for the dogs-could you get a mate/relative to dog sit them in your house and say that mate/relative doesn't want anyone else there for whatever reason?

Your DD might actually be scared to say No to the DP but you need to say no to both of them
Message him directly saying " thanks for offering to petsit.. we do not need you or want you too, bearing in mind the events at Christmas"
I think he wants to use your house maybe for a party or something
Change locks saying nothing to either
Dogs to kennels
Ring doorbell
Don't explain or make excuses
So what if they don't like it?
It is your house, not a base for the DP and be firm with your DD You're scared of saying no!!

Please just say no. Your home is your home, not a free for all for people to come and stay when it’s available. Arrange a kennel, boarding or whatever for the dogs. It’s completely fine to not feel comfortable with this. There may be a bit of fall out but don’t let people push you around. Your house, your rules.

Agree as above. A clear no… Change locks, ring doorbell…

Good points here.

I'd decline the weekend and urge her to take bf parents instead.

I'd say this too. Be totally upfront. There's no point coming up with excuses because you'll just be putting the conversation off for another time.
I'm another one who thinks the BF and potentially your daughter, have been quite sly here.

Agree with everyone who says that you need to have a calm and grown up conversation with your dd stating that you do not want her bf staying in your house unaccompanied and you also don't want to host his parents ever.

Also, everything that @RaspberryCaner said. You need to model appropriate and assertive behaviour here.

Don't waste your time making up lies and whatnot, you're just making the situation more complicated than it needs to be.

Grow a backbone, OP! She sounds like a spoilt, entitled only DC. YOU are the parent! Put your foot down and tell her straight.

This. In spades, but kindly meant.

Agree. You don't like him nor want him around you, that's the issue. So tell your DD that and deal with it like adults.

I wouldn't mention "took ice cream" and other silliness that was in your other thread, you have a few solid reasons as articulated here.

I would think it better to have the open conversation but I do understand your reluctance if she is likely to take his side.

In which case I would book alternative pet sitting/accommodation and say 'no need for BF to trouble himself, we've used xyz like normal'. And see what happens. If the point is pushed, that opens the door to understand why BF is so keen.

Any either way, get a Ring and change the locks. It's a PITA which will cost money, but worth it given he's untrustworthy.

Also, it's worth your DD remembering trust has to be earned a and so far he's done nothing to do that.

Another vote for how you handle
this modelling to her how to handle such situations.

• clearly state that he and his parents cannot stay due to past unacceptable behaviour
• change locks and do not give keys to dd
• arrange for dog sitter/kennels/boarding for weekend with dd. Say thanks but no thanks to bf
• any attempt to enter your property by bf while you are away - police

Make clear dd is welcome but he is not. In the short term she may choose him but in the long term she has somewhere to come back to if she needs/chooses to leave him.

Absolutely This.

Your daughter is dangerously entitled and presumptuous.

In fact I wouldn't trust even her motives in this after her behaviour at Christmas.
I think she couldn't possibly be as obtuse as you describe and lo and behold 3 weeks later she wants your home again.

I would expect him to definitely intend to rifle through your paperwork.

I think you need to wake up to your dangerous passivity and develop assertiveness quickly.

You should be able to not be drawn into a conversation you don't want to have.

You do not owe your daughter an explanation on who you will or will not have in your home.

"No thanks to him staying, we have the animals sorted."
"We can sort ourselves and house out".
"No we don't want the house used in our absence."
"I don't feel I have to explain our choices."
"Why are you asking me to explain myself?"
"I feel very uncomfortable with you asking me to explain myself?"
"This is OUR home and people come by invitation, not because they decide to."

Your fear of your daughter is not normal.

Hence you accepting this bullshit at Christmas.

This dynamic is not normal.

Not 3 weeks have past and he wants to return, likely with his parents.

If your daughter gets upset, put it all back on her.

"Why is who we allow stay in OUR house an issue with YOu?"
"Why are you so concerned about it?"
"Is this why you suggested this trip?"
"So out house could be used in our absence?"
"Was this trip even your idea?"

If you do not step up and be clear in your boundaries this awful man will be moving in full-time.

He sees you and your husband as proper mugs.

You cannot give into this even once as you will be setting a precedence.

He has zero respect for you or your home, he showed you both that clearly.

I would be accepting of your daughters upset if the alternative is the rest of your lives being atvthe mercy of this awful man.

Agree.
Sending dogs to kennels, or inviting another relative to dog sit is just covering up for the fact that you cannot bear to discuss this with your DD.

I understand that its difficult, but this is probably your last opportunity to thrash it out whilst Christmas is fresh in everyone's minds.

I can imagine she or BF may demolish your arguments and plans to send to a kennel and he will worm his way into staying in your house alone (as a BIG favour to you) - what are you going to do then?
You will have tactically proved that you had no objections - because you didn't voice them. The next time will be even harder to bring them up. And there will be a next time from the sounds of it. Summer is coming.

Hiding your concerns from your DD is doing her no favours. Show her how to set boundaries and why this is not an occasion for falling out because she's been shown them. She may not even realise how you feel or why. She may have been completely persuaded by BF and his parents that their way is perfectly normal and be doubting herself. You know its not and you should be able to tell her that, This will also remind her that you are a straightforward reasonable person but you have boundaries and can stand up for yourself.

So, your husband

1. Stands whenever a woman walks into a room. Always.
2. Let's all women serve themselves first at a buffet before getting his own food. Just because they are women. Always.
3. Opens doors for you wherever you go
4. Comes out of the house when he hears your car to check if you need help with the shopping bags
5. Gives up his seat everywhere (public transport, private homes etc) to women irrespective of whether they are pregnant, elderly etc
6. Walks on the roadside of the pavement whenever walking alongside a woman
7. Never ever walks through a door ahead of you and always opens it.
8. Pours all your drinks for you (this is the thing my DH actually does do at home)
9. Etc.

If you say yes to all of this, I just wouldn't believe you. If you say no, then your husband is an arsehole too (by your standards).

Sorry this has reared its ugly head again so soon after Christmas.

I agree with PPs that your DD has been pushed to take you away so the vile BF can access your house. If I had to guess, I'd say this gives him all the time he wants to find your financial paperwork, assess what it means for him, and copy anything he thinks useful.

Possibly also to look through valuables, and of course to continue his power trip.

If the trip is coming up soon and you feel rushed then tell DD you need to postpone.

If you're happy to go, you need to secure your home as a priority with new or extra locks and ideally have a housesitter you can trust to ensure no unwanted guests arrive.

But either way, you need to tell your DD that you don't want her offering use of your home to anyone in the future or inviting anyone without discussion. You don't need an excuse. It's none of her business who else you let stay.

Please be brave.

Brilliant as ever @billy1966

@Duvetdaysaregood Listen to this and take it in. Your gut is right that there is something “off” about him. Be blunt.

Any pussyfooting around and you are all going to end up in a right mess.

PS: just decline the offer too.

This.

OP! Stop identifying DD's boyfriend and his parents as the problem.

You and your husband are the problem.
You lack assertiveness.
You don't communicate clearly.
You don't have strong or appropriate boundaries with your adult children. Or with anyone else, I suspect.

You and your husband need to improve your skills in these areas.
The benefits?

Your home will be secure.
Everyone will be clear about what acceptable behaviour is.
Your relationships will be healthier, and built on genuine love, not fear.
Your children will respect you - and will be able to follow your example in their own lives.

(I read and participated in the previous thread too.)