Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

get work done on the house while away, constant noise and mess. Disable heating, water, electrics. Back up plan ready for dogs to go to other people. Put up internal security cameras.

Definitely not!

He would insist on "keeping an eye on the workmen".

Nothing ridiculous about it. She does need to tread carefully. What an unpleasantly contemptuous post.

You need to arrange care for your dogs, either in your home or for them to go somewhere else. Then you tell your daughter it's arranged.

You seem completely unable or unwilling to set boundaries in your life and consequently people are walking all over you.

You arrange care for your dogs. You don't need to worry about offending your daughter. They are not her dogs, they are yours, your responsibility. So you arrange it and it's a done deal.

In your other thread, you asked your guests how long they were staying and didn't get an answer, you asked again and didn't get an answer. That is your home! Instead, you should either have invited them for a specific time "would you like to spend Christmas with us, we will host you from the 24th to the 27th", or if for some reason the dates are not set, you make the decision for them. "I was wondering how long you are staying?" "We aren't sure, we'll let you know" "I need to know so I can make other plans, let's say until the 28th".

I understand your daughter's boyfriend may well become your family if they marry so you don't want to offend her or him, but that doesn't mean you let him take over your home. If, when you say he doesn't need to stay because you have dog care arranged she then says but he wants to, you say no, he can come and stay another time.

Take control of your relationships!

Also agree with poster above that your home is private - it's a huge privilege to be invited to stay in someone's house, and not something he should assume is always on offer to suit.

I live in a city that's popular with tourists and often get hints about house swaps but really, I don't want people staying - I could say yes, it would be a nice thing to do, but I genuinely struggle with it and feel uneasy when I've agreed in the past.

I grew up with parents who never enforced boundaries; who would agree to do things and then moan about doing it but would insist it was the right thing to ‘keep the peace’ or to ‘not cause upset’ it turned me into the biggest people pleaser who never ever put herself first in anything, ever. I didn’t even realise i could not be ok with a situation and remove myself from it until i was 25.

You expect your daughter and partner to model their behaviour on others- buying drinks, offering to pay etc etc but at the same time expect them to automatically know whatever boundaries/expectations you’ve created. Your daughter has grown up with you so has some grasp of this but her boyfriend has not. Instead of communicating those expectations clearly and then introducing boundaries when the expectations are not met, you just inwardly seethe when they fail to live up to whatever expectation you have, but barely say anything to voice these feelings, just to keep the peace between you all. The difference is it disrupts your own internal peace instead.

Of course it would be nice for your daughter to just know that you don’t want her bf to stay when you’re not there and to not even ask, but if it hasn’t even really been hinted at that you don’t think he’s a perfect stand up guy, then how is she expected to know this information and act accordingly? If you honestly believe you will lose your daughter by communicating your feelings with her regarding her boyfriend (which all sound perfectly legitimate concerns by the way) then i don’t think you were that close to begin with, but i also don’t think that will happen. Often when we begin to put boundaries in place we imagine the worst outcome which very rarely occurs.

Begin modelling self respect and boundaries now to your daughter because it’s important to show her that you should always put yourself first- it’s not selfish to require your own needs to be met, especially before meeting someone else wants.

Yeah, I'm getting these vibes too. He says your home is a base for him like has some sort of stake in it already, very presumptuous and entitled for something that has absolutely nothing to do with him. Is your daughter his future cash cow? You need some strong boundaries and they have to start with your daughter. I wouldn't be pussyfooting around the reasons either, your reasons are perfectly valid, just because she is willing to overlook a thief doesn't mean anyone else has to and the fact he went snooping around private parts of your home is a great invasion of privacy and doesn't help the thievery speculations.

Just no to him and any future cheeky fuckery.

gawd change the locks and get a house sitter while you are away

My thoughts also.
I would be cancelling any holidays and changing the locks.
DD's BF sounds very similar to a BF I had at her age. He was caught breaking into his "adopted" parents home (not related, he just adopted them). Later my parents home was burgled.
DS sounds like a nice young man. I would be getting his advice.

Why does she? It’s ludicrous. The boyfriend has behaved appallingly. Why can’t she be honest with her own daughter??

I agree with what a pp has suggetsed below:

Certain things need to be said and stuck to….

We have always welcomed your friends and tried to be hospitable, but we don’t like being taken advantage of.

Christmas was very upsetting for us for several reasons and we have no intention of allowing that situation to happen again.

We know you are very fond of CF but we don’t like the way he has assumed our house is one of his bases, and that he can stay when he wants to. Because he can’t.

And his unwillingness to help in any way or to buy so much as a can of coke made us feel he really wasn’t as nice as you have painted him.

We are not going to be made to feel uncomfortable in our own home, so in future he is welcome to come for a meal with you but not stay the night. And neither he or any of his family will be permitted to stay in our house while we are away.

More and more I think there is something dishonest being planned, and you won't have a leg to stand on insurance-wise if you give the BF and his family free access to your house.

THIS ⬆

In spades.

OP - it may be that your DD will be upset, may stop talking to you for a while, scream and shout etc - but as long as you let her know that SHE is welcome, at any time, but no-one (except blood relatives) stays in your home in your absence, then she will eventually come back, because sooner or later she'll realise what she has shackled herself to.

Just tell her she will be welcome - no questions, no recriminations. Don't try to get her to see what he's like - she'll stick to him like glue - she will realise in her own good time.

Going into your bedroom!!!
Im finding that really creepy.
It seems like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t

If it was me
First question to ask yourself…Whose house it this
Second….Do I want people in my house I don’t trust when I’m not there
Third…..Am I happy with people rifling through my personal stuff

If the answer to 2 and 3 is no then you need to tell your DD you don’t want people in the house when you’re not there. No further explanation required because, it’s your house!
Plus I’d just change all the locks ( obv don’t hand out keys to anyone ) You don’t have to tell anyone or explain yourself…it’s your house!

Then book the dogs into a kennels

Your daughter might be upset but it’s not her property. Would you ask her if your friends could stay at hers and wander around her bedroom whilst she’s not there.

The truth is OP that you have two choices and you're not comfortable with either of them. You can say nothing, knowing that he's going to have free rein to do as he pleases, in your house and unsupervised, or you talk to your DD fearing that it will upset her and drive her away. What I'm sensing from your posts is that what you're really asking for is a magic wand that will make the problem go away without having to face either of those discomforts.

There is no such magic wand. You're going to have to decide (bearing in mind all the nefarious possibilities PPs have suggested) which of the two is your priority. And then own it.

The saddest thing about this situation is that you’re scared of your daughters reaction and you’re scared of her boyfriend. In this scenario I would prep yourself and speak Truthfully to your daughter tell her your fears and tell her if she doesn’t accept it then that’s fine and she can go on that break with her boyfriend instead. She needs to be respectful and so does he. You cannot live in fear. This is crazy.

if you’re so terrified of losing her, then go on, let him use the house and do as he pleases because it seems as if you will just lay down and let him do what he wants. Just to keep your daughter. That will be madness too.

Excellent post @DoristheDuchess

@wednesdaynamesep - sorry wednesday - I've read your post, but this isn't cultural - your DH is just an *rsehole.

Sorry, but you’re going to have to be brave. No one should be staying at your home without your express permission and happiness. In this case, he has neither

Board the pets. Change the locks and don't give DD/boyfriend the new keys.

Or refuse the weekend away, as it clearly comes with strings.

Learn to say no to DD!

Remember, every time you fail to have clear boundaries with your adult DD, you teach her that she can't have clear boundaries with her boyfriend, his parents, or any of the other relationships in her life.

I've said she should be frank and firm and suggested how she can do that in a way that won't give the bf ammunition to isolate her. He's clearly a narcissist and she's clearly vulnerable. This is not a situation to go in like a bull in a china shop unless you're willing to have an estrangement, which the op is keen to avoid. The op cares deeply about not driving a wedge between herself and her dd so that's why she needs to tread carefully. It's no skin off her nose to speak carefully. She can vent to someone else. I agree that she should probably be more assertive when he does visit (by invitation next time) but she was already aware of that without your snide remarks.

Now the cost of living is higher and is still rising it would be quite normal for you to start commenting on the need to budget and to worry about the cost of power. That, with concerns re insurance, should be sufficient additional reason to have changed your policy re visitors whilst you are away.
But you do need to have that conversation with yourDD at some point. Blame it on his parents if necessary— the difference in family cultures.

Yes. Nothing to do with British culture.

Change the locks. Don't tell your daughter ("oh, I completely forget our key broke in the lock" if she ever realises and asks). Get sitters for the dogs.

You need to be honest with your daughter. She's an adult.
By not being upfront you are shielding her from the reality of the situation, and it will be even harder for her to find out later on and for something possibly more serious.
Tell her that that her boyfriend's behaviour was unacceptable over Christmas and that you don't trust him in your property. If she tries to argue about it, gently but firmly say that it's your home and your feelings around safety and well-being are not up for negotiation.
She will be upset, but perhaps it will be the start of her seeing things about him differently.

Yup, I agree with this and what other posters have said about the BF assuming some entitlement wrt your house (eg, using it as a base). You are going to have to find your courage and tackle this once and for all.

DH is a normal British bloke.

Is he bollox @wednesdaynamesep

I can count on the fingers of one foot the number of men I know who behave like that.

He may be a "great dad/ cook/ etc" but he's a bad-mannered tw*t.

You can't be forced to go on a short break. Just say that you don't want to go away this year/at the moment, why doesn't dd take the bf's parents. You don't want to go away. There is no law that says we have to share everything with our adult children - just 'we've decided for this year we're staying close to home and living the quiet life, end of'.
Change the locks, junk up the spare room, just say no to any guests. Or just tell her the truth and let the cookie crumble where it will.
Whereas my parents and inlaws got on very well and we were lucky to easily integrate all together, my DD's potential inlaws are an unknown entity to us - and their son actually lives with us. We enquire after their health regularly and have met them in passing but don't envisage any deeper relationship until we are working out the setting plan for the wedding...should there be one.