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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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StillWantingADog · 23/01/2023 12:54

as pp have said you need to have an honest conversation with your dd, you’re entirely supportive of their relationship but you are not comfortable letting he and his family stay in your house when you are away.

my dh and my inlaws have a great relationship and we’ve been together for 15 years yet there is no way at all my dps would be happy with him staying unsupervised at their house! It’s just a weird thing to do.

Daleksatemyshed · 23/01/2023 12:55

Op, this is your home, no one is allowed to use it without your permission, you don't need to make excuses. If you want to soften the blow just say now you're older you don't want people in your home anymore unless you've invited them and you are there to host, and that goes for everyone. Get the extra locks in and don't give any keys out.
If you don't stand up for yourself now you'll be having this same problem over and over. You are allowed to say No, try it

honeylulu · 23/01/2023 12:56

You must raise this with your daughter and not pussyfoot around with excuses. Either she has no idea how you feel and she needs to know or she does but has been in denial. She may be hurt, she may be defensive but you must address it. Moreover if he's as disrespectful to her as he seems, she needs to know you're right there on her team if she wants to jump ship. His attitude to you and your husband in your own home is sickening, my blood was boiling reading your first thread.

Having said that, add the extra locks anyway because I wouldn't trust him not to ride roughshod over your wishes even once you make them clear.

Serpensortia · 23/01/2023 12:56

Tell her out straight you don't trust him and don't want him alone in your home. If she feels aggrieved by this, tell her to cancel you and your husband out of the holiday.

I wouldn't allow myself to be held over a barrel over a holiday.

I hope the relationship with him eventually fizzles out. I wouldn't want my daughter marrying or setting up a life with someone that snoops and steals. I don't know him, but he makes me uncomfortable just reading about him. If he said that to me about my book, I'd have asked him out straight how he knew what I was reading. That is so odd.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2023 12:57

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:46

Anyrandom name .. great suggestion .. woukd do that But.. my fear is that dd will say yes but look bf wants to stay and have a break . She knows other people have done it in our home . Can he stay? Why not. Xyz do ?

You've obviously not yet had the conversation with her about her inviting people into your home without asking first.
You should. And that definitely includes b/f's parents

However, can you cope with B/f staying as long as it is understood that he stays on his own?

Psychonabike · 23/01/2023 12:58

Honestly, I think you need to just put down some boundaries here.

If I were in your shoes I would explain something like:

When you were a child, we had your friends come and go from our home, family life is busy! Now that you are an adult we are moving to a different stage of our life -our home is more private. We're less keen on having different people in our home. It was lovely having everyone at Xmas but it brought home to us that we're not necessarily in that phase of life any more. You will have to understand that while you are always welcome, we won't always want other people in our home and certainly not while we are not in it. This is our decision, please respect it. These are the arrangements we are making for being away (pets, setting alarms etc).

And repeat "this is our decision, please respect it" as necessary.

honeyytoast · 23/01/2023 13:00

I don’t understand why you can’t just say no to her? Don’t need to be rude about him, but sometimes you need to be firm even if it’s uncomfortable

forrestgreen · 23/01/2023 13:01

I'd reply
'I'm so excited about the holiday, don't worry about the dogs they're booked into kennels already. There's a great one near here we've been looking at trying'

Dd oh no bf will come up

'They're already booked in, no need to put him out'

Get across it's a non refundable payment at some point.

Long term and before the holiday, 'loose' a key so you can change the locks.

And even longer term have a discussion where you love seeing dd and her bf but his parents can't use your home as a holiday. They didn't take hints to leave and you felt like a hotel and very overwhelmed. So you all need a new plan for this Christmas.

Namelesstoday · 23/01/2023 13:02

Op, I have to be direct with you.

Stop being such a pushover.

It's your house, you worked hard for it.
Tell your DD that you are making your own arrangements for the pets.

As you are getting older, your house is becoming more precious and valuable.
Its your home, your choice.

If the "base" comment is mentioned again, remind him that you paid the mortgage and it took years of hard work. Do not accept such nonsense!

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2023 13:06

wednesdaynamesep · 23/01/2023 11:32

I just skim read the previous thread and it gave me the creeps. There is a culture difference in my family too (DH is British, my family are not), and there is a culture of male chivalry in my country that DH just lacks.

Examples: First thing the men do when they walk into a room in the evening, is check whether anyone wants a drink (women never pour drinks). DH seems to think he's a guest, and sits about getting waited on.

If the women have gone grocery shopping, men come out to help carry in anything heavy. Doesn't even occur to DH. I have to ask / tell him to do it in the UK.

Going on a long journey: men tend to pack the car boots, fetching and carrying heavy items from the house. DH sits on his arse (in the UK I pack the boot because he's useless at it).

A man would never walk through a door ahead of a women; DH thinks nothing of it.

The one that embarrasses me the most: when food is being served and there is a crowd, children get served first, then women, and the men go last. At Christmas, I turned around to see my DH cheerfully piling his plate high while the women and children waited, and the men were standing back chatting, watching and waiting. First in the queue. I have spoken about this to him before, and his logic is the men take too long and their food gets cold.

I see it all and it embarrasses me. I don't notice it as much in the UK because chivalry is a bit dead here, and he's one of many. But crikey, in my country he comes across as seriously rude and lazy. I am slightly irritated with him the whole stay, and that irritation eases when back in the UK.

My point is, your daughter already knows what her bf is, because you raised her and she knows how all your family and friends behave. She shares your values. She's in denial about her bf, or hoping you haven't noticed.

If you gently tell her you felt taken advantage of, don't like the way he talks to her Dad, did not appreciate him going into your bedroom or helping himself without asking first etc, then she'll know you've seen it too. It won't be a surprise. She might be miffed you won't participate in wilful blindness, but too bad. It's her job to manage the relationship between you and him, not yours ... she's the common link. You need to set boundaries though, and be very clear about what you do and do not expect.

In my case, my DH gets his ass handed to him every time ... by me. Imagine fierce whispers: "All the men are fetching and carrying and packing the car ...move your arse and help please !"

I also have massive mental load to anticipate his lack of chivalry and warn him in advance: "When we get to 'x' do NOT sit down until all the women and elderly are seated first. If a woman walks in and there isn't a seat ... stand up and give her yours." I do get push back: "That's just stupid / sexist etc". My response is "My country, my family, my rules...". Your daughter needs to do the same.

Finally, I've told my mum and sister I've noticed it all too and it embarrasses me. They haven't raised it with me ... I got there first. I explained things are very different in the UK. I think they feel a twinge of sympathy for my DH whenever he slips up because they know he's probably going to get told off by me when we're alone.

Having said all that, I think there's more to your daughter's bf than just a culture difference. I'm afraid he sounds like a bit of a creep. Watch him closely. And maybe calling this out now will help your daughter to see him for who he is, instead of everyone supporting her denial by participating in a delusion that there's nothing odd about it.

That's not a culture difference. Your husband is just rude,

My DH would never behave like him

Crumpleton · 23/01/2023 13:06

I'd be concered that if he's quite happy to have a snoop in a room as private as your bedroom while you're there what's he going to get up to with free run of the place...

Jenasaurus · 23/01/2023 13:08

Sorry I may have missed some of the posts but what about inviting BF on the break with you? then he cant stay in the house and dog sit, I know that may not be ideal but its one way out I guess

Lairymary · 23/01/2023 13:10

As a last resort.... turn the water off and take the fuses out so if anyone does try to invite themselves when you have left it's problematic for them...

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/01/2023 13:11

@wednesdaynamesep

your husband just sounds inconsiderate and self - centred
nothing to do with him being British

DoristheDuchess · 23/01/2023 13:11

Also just had a chilling thought, what if he wants to come up whilst you are away to see if he can have a look through your paperwork and see how much you are worth?

I'm being serious here.

This could have some very dark undertones that your daughter is just blind to.

Forthelast · 23/01/2023 13:12

What a difficult situation.

I would sit down with your DD and express your deep love for her and desire to keep family relationships close. Then explain that you and dad have thought long and hard about how to express your concerns without driving a wedge between you all. Then state firmly that as much as you want her to be happy and make her own decisions, at this point I'm time you both have reservations about the bf after having had the chance to get to know him well. You are prepared to have him for short stays at your invitation but your home is not his home and you don't have enough confidence in him at this time to have him in your home while you're away. You don't need to argue the case as to why. It will be easier for her if she can't feed details back to him as he will likely feel narcissistic rage when it's related to him and and details will only give him fodder.

Just keep explaining firmly that this is your position at the moment and you and dad have been around enough corners to know when you're uncomfortable. You don't want to make a big deal of it, your home is always open to her, but you have reservations about him and she must accept that she is the only one who can come and go freely and your home is not open to her bf unless you have specifically invited him.

She sounds isolated and without boundaries. I think it will be a long road before she's free of him, if ever. She will be caught wanting to please everyone and may well be forced to withdraw from you somewhat. As long as you haven't got dragged into mudslinging against the bf and just focus on your right to feel comfortable in your own home, I don't think she has grounds to feel over protective. But she will certainly feel caught in the middle. Keep your eye out for any unhappiness that you can talk to her about and let her know that she can always come to you if she needs a bolthole or a rethink.

I'm concerned he may be abusive eventually as narcissists usually are.

DoristheDuchess · 23/01/2023 13:12

This could be a little more serious than just being a CF

Forthelast · 23/01/2023 13:16

For this holiday, I'd also change the locks on some made up pretext. You can always give her a key when you've had the chat and feel confident she will use it in line with your wishes.

HundredMilesAnHour · 23/01/2023 13:17

FictionalCharacter · 23/01/2023 11:36

@wednesdaynamesep That’s not a UK issue, it’s your husband being rude and selfish. My dh is British born and bred and would never behave like that!

@wednesdaynamesep Totally agree with @FictionalCharacter My family are thoroughly English (going back centuries) and we would all be mortified at your DH's behaviour.

HyggeTygge · 23/01/2023 13:19

Psychonabike · 23/01/2023 12:58

Honestly, I think you need to just put down some boundaries here.

If I were in your shoes I would explain something like:

When you were a child, we had your friends come and go from our home, family life is busy! Now that you are an adult we are moving to a different stage of our life -our home is more private. We're less keen on having different people in our home. It was lovely having everyone at Xmas but it brought home to us that we're not necessarily in that phase of life any more. You will have to understand that while you are always welcome, we won't always want other people in our home and certainly not while we are not in it. This is our decision, please respect it. These are the arrangements we are making for being away (pets, setting alarms etc).

And repeat "this is our decision, please respect it" as necessary.

Yes I think this is a good template.

You are perfectly within your rights to not let people stay at your house when away. I don't think there are many people I'd even consider letting do that tbh...

tara66 · 23/01/2023 13:19

You must know you are not doing DD any favours by pussy footing around not telling her exactly how he is. She must be a very poor judge of character and does not know where her best interests lie i.e. not with this ghastly man. The sooner you spell out his defects to her, the sooner she may break up with him - which is what you and you DH want. Get to it. Make a prepare list of all the wrong, illegal, deceitful, bad mannered and annoying things he did when staying previously and have it ready the very next time you speak with her. Use the words ''totally unacceptable'' a lot. Say you never want him to visit again. Lay it on thick!

Janbohonut · 23/01/2023 13:20

It's definitely more than just being a CF.

Some men are like this - I remember my sister's ex saying to my DH, "all this will be ours one day, we have to look after it" in reference to my parent's house. He was a lazy, abusive, difficult man - like this one - and he seriously struggled with any kind of boundary being laid down, even after they split.

Men like this want nothing more than to get their foot in the door, they are like vampires, but you can simply not invite them in.

You've been generous over Christmas, now is the time to retract on that generosity because if you don't now he will keep pushing for more, more, more.

BunchHarman · 23/01/2023 13:20

Just read the last thread.

You appear to have modelled dithery meekness in the extreme for your daughter.

You need to pull yourself together and be honest with your daughter. Being so utterly terrified of ‘alienating her’ in the face of her prick-of-a-boyfriend’s behaviour is ridiculous. Don’t be a mouse.

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 23/01/2023 13:20

Just tell her you do not want anybody staying in your house when you are not there. If she says ‘but I paid for your trip’ you will know she has an ulterior motive.

Forthelast · 23/01/2023 13:20

I also think this holiday could be an attempt of hers to keep you close because she feels your disapproval and tension at some level and wants to alleviate her anxiety. You're clearly very important to her. It might come as a relief to her to know that nothing has changed between you - you're just uncomfortable and have reservations. If she tries to ask for them to be addressed and wants to resolve them, I would reiterate that you refuse to be drawn into criticism of someone who is special to her as you don't see it being constructive and she must just accept that this is your position.

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