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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/01/2023 11:52

If you manage to avoid the conversation now it will just come up again later

Actually it's even worse than that, because letting him stay this time would set a precedent which would be even harder to row back from in future

Especially when there's already a precedent over how they all behaved at Christmas ...

FictionalCharacter · 23/01/2023 11:52

You’re scared to tell her….. he will get “upset”…… she’ll think you’re the bad guys…..
Where is all this fear coming from? I’m guessing it’s the boyfriend causing you to tiptoe around like this, not your dd. He’s obviously a very forceful character and I bet she’s afraid of him, and so are you. Frankly if this was my dd I’d be telling her straight that his behaviour is terrible and I would not be supportive of their relationship.
PPs have pointed out that the idea of her wanting to spend time with you because “you’re getting older” is very unlikely. Almost certainly the boyfriend is part of this and he’s giving himself an opportunity to get into your home. You’d be extremely foolish to allow him in.
Please don’t go down the route of making up excuses. Several PPs have set out why this is a bad idea. You really do need to leave your fear behind and be both honest and firm with her. You’ll have to endure tears and accusations from her, but she’s being manipulated by him, and you pretending it’s a normal relationship is doing her no good.
He’s really very sinister and you’re very vulnerable if you don’t put a stop to this.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 23/01/2023 11:54

Why is it so difficult to say 'no' to your daughter? Did you never say it when she was a child?

beastlyslumber · 23/01/2023 11:57

Get on the Trusted Housesitters website and get a housesitter. They are really good and if your house is in a good location, then you'll easily find someone/a nice couple to housesit.

Alternatively, use a paid service like House and Home Sitters - it is a bit spendy but you will get a brilliant housesitter guaranteed, insured, etc.

That way you can tell DD that you already have the dogs and house covered so no need for BF to help out.

MotherOfHouseplants · 23/01/2023 11:58

Sorry that this is a cancel-the-cheque answer but I really do not see why this is any more complex than putting the dogs in kennels / cats in a cattery and changing the locks.

MyGPgood · 23/01/2023 11:58

You dislike him and you don’t trust him. You may end up causing yourself a medical incident with all the stress it is causing you both. Be bold, be honest and if his end game is your money then he’ll continue to tango with you both. Ultimately this may cause your health to suffer greatly so for once put yourselves first.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/01/2023 11:58

Naunet · 23/01/2023 11:24

But you don’t need to go into any of that, you just say no, you’ve made other arrangements and if she pushes you tell her it is YOUR home and she’s not at liberty to hand it out to her boyfriend whenever she feels like it. It wouldn’t matter if you thought he was the best guy in the world, shes still taking the piss thinking she gets to tell you who is staying there.

This.
This is your home, not a holiday hotel or a B&B or the boyfriends ‘base’, ( I’d have shot that idea of his down in flames the moment it was uttered. )You and your husband decide who stays there or not and it is time she was reminded of this. I think this idea of the weekend away with dd has come from him, he fancies a nice break away himself, your expense.
Don’t make excuses or lie, just tell them there’s no need, you’ve made plans. I have keys to both of my daughters houses. I don’t let myself in whenever I feel like it or go and stay there for a short break whenever they are away. And vice versa.
Same goes for his family. If you don’t stop it they’ll walk all over you, don’t leave out the welcome mat.

Chikapu · 23/01/2023 11:58

Stop being a doormat and just tell her straight that he can't stay. If she chooses to be a baby about it then let her crack on.

faw2009 · 23/01/2023 11:58

I remember the old thread. It lasted ages, more and more details coming through.

I thought the daughter & partner were quite hard up or stingy. Where on earth did all the money come from to pay for a holiday?

I thought you had a son too who could potentially help out.

I thought you were going to talk to your daughter?

I'd take the opportunity of the holiday as a mum daughter bonding time. Leave DH at home. Have the talk about her partner.

You haven't answered any questions regarding pets, or made any comments on ideas like additional locks. Instead you've stuck to the mantra about alienating your daughter and how bad her partner is. Yet you don't do anything about it. Doesn't make sense.

CousinKrispy · 23/01/2023 11:59

I agree that you really need to have an honest conversation with your daughter and tell her that her BF is not welcome to stay when you aren't there.

However, you also need to install that extra lock or change the locks (and not give one to DD) as a precaution, even if you have the conversation and she agrees. If he is dishonest enough to steal from a shop while you are present (??) then you need to plan accordingly and put up meaningful barriers, not just making up a story about having building works done.

Also, if you have a pet-sitter coming in, explain to them that there won't be any family or friends staying overnight and to notify you immediately if they arrive and find someone there.

JimHensonWasAGenius · 23/01/2023 11:59

@wednesdaynamesep Your DH is just an arsehole and you are making excuses for him.

My DH is British and would never dream of behaving like some rude Neanderthal.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/01/2023 11:59

RandomCatGenerator · 23/01/2023 11:45

That isn’t British culture. Your DH sounds rude and lazy I’m afraid…

Ditto, no-one of my friends or family would dream of behaving like that - not British culture. That's just lazy and disrespectful.

However I completely agree with @wednesdaynamesep that the DD knows in her core what is ok and this goes against every value she was raised with... her own boundaries must have been really eroded to get her in so deep with this dreadful guy.
She really really needs to hear that it's not ok, and deep down when it all comes out in the wash, I think she'll be very relieved as her instincts must be screaming at her, and she must be doing a lot of mental gymnastics to keep them suppressed, and herself in his thrall.

Hereslookinatyoukid · 23/01/2023 11:59

Ridemeginger · 23/01/2023 11:22

Jeez, I get the heebie-jeebies listening to your description of this bloke and his equally odious family.

You are not doing your daughter any favours here. I am guessing she's an only child and you've probably indulged her a lot. However, if you keep facilitating this relationship with your pussy-footing around, you are helping to saddle her with, at best, a cocklodging user, at worst, a coercive controlling abuser who will be doing his best to make sure any money/property she receives/inherits from you goes into this pockets.

So he does nice things for her? So what, that's the minimum bar for any romantic relationship. How do you think any abuser gets his feet under the table - by being a complete arsehole and hoping she'll still fall for him? Of course not, they do just enough to wheedle their way in. And once she's hooked, the sheep's clothing is cast off.

You're lucky you are getting a glimpse of who he is. Even if your daughter is not ready to see it, you need to mark out your boundaries and make sure you are not groomed along with her. As pp have said, if he doesn't have you in his pocket, he may not want your daughter anyway. You can support your daughter without getting sucked into a relationship with him where you can't say no. If your daughter is upset by this, then be firm that this is your home, not hers, that she has no right to make assumptions about its use. You need to start treating her like the grown up she apparently thinks she is by being in this relationship and ignoring the warning signs. She might flounce, just make sure she knows you are there when she (and she alone) needs your support.

Change the locks, padlocks if necessary, get a dog sitter, do whatever you need to do to ensure this man does not stay in your home. If your daughter is upset by this, then don't go on the trip. Whatever you do, don't just give in and hope for the best - you already know there is no version of the best with this man.

Nice bit of only-child shaming there @Ridemeginger. Your stereotypes are nonsense. Also, if you had basic comprehension skills you would know that the OP has at least one other child.

TheBadLuckOfTeelaBrown · 23/01/2023 11:59

Do you want her to spend more of her life with this man?
No? Then start being honest with her.

'Sorry we've talked about it and we are going to organise a house sitter and kennels for the dogs. We aren't comfortable with your BF in the house as he invades our personal space.'

End of discussion.
It is your home. You need to put a stop to this.

TheBadLuckOfTeelaBrown · 23/01/2023 12:00

oh and change the locks!!!!

Mystery2345 · 23/01/2023 12:00

Just say no. It doesn't work. Please. Or you will lose your home gradually to this man. Stand up now.

CousinKrispy · 23/01/2023 12:00

Brilliant idea from @faw2009. Leave DH at home, use the holiday as mother-daughter bonding time, DH can look after the dogs. But why do you keep repeating the same points?

sisuyo · 23/01/2023 12:01

Can you say something like you are using the empty house opportunity to have it decorated, or odd jobs doneX garden tidied, electrics sorted?! House deep cleaned by team of cleaners? Something that means the house is occupied and needs to be empty of people for workers? And get the pets somewhere else etc?

HiDeDi · 23/01/2023 12:02

You just need to be a bit more assertive. In your earlier thread and this you are letting people walk all over you.

It’soften said on Mumsnet that no is a complete sentence.

What sort of power does your daughter have that you can’t say a simple no to her.

Tell her no and change the locks.

Solmum1964 · 23/01/2023 12:02

I've not read the full thread yet but have recently been reviewing our house insurance.
One of the questions asked was "will anyone other than family be living in your house" and I would use this as a reason bf cannot stay unaccompanied.

Daffodilis · 23/01/2023 12:02

Have you ever said no to your dd?

Peridot1 · 23/01/2023 12:02

I have to say I agree with those who are saying you need to be honest with your DD. I wouldn’t want any daughter of mine marrying him! You can do it gently. But she has to have noticed the behaviour. She is probably glossing over it a bit and maybe hopes you haven’t noticed. I would tell her you have noticed and it’s not behaviour you appreciate. It’s not how you brought her up and you are saddened that she thinks it’s acceptable. Yes she may well be hurt initially but ultimately you may save her from a disaster. I would hazard a guess that her friends aren’t keen on him either.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/01/2023 12:03

Your daughter is so entitled

just tell her no. The dogs are going in kennels and you don’t want boyfriend or anyone else staying in your house whilst you are not there. This is basic stuff that no one would want.

And change your locks.

you need to lay some boundaries with her cos she clearly sees you as having none

Tigresses · 23/01/2023 12:04

ScorchBeastQueen · 23/01/2023 11:14

I’d be honest. DD we love you and know you love this man. But last time he visited he crossed many of our boundaries including going into our bedroom, taking things that aren’t his and upsetting us with the way he spoke to your father. Given he was willing to do that openly we don’t want him in our home unsupervised

^This conversation needs to happen.

I remember my parents having open kind but honest chats with me about a LTR. they didn't push me either way, but just laid out what they had noticed about them and how they differ from our family morals. Life carried on as normal but I didn't put my parents in uncomfortable situations.

Eventually I could see that LTP was actually pretty incompatible to who I was and who I was raised to be. I'd spent years making excuses for his behaviour, until I realised he really was just a selfish, mean spirited, spiteful git that would never change.

I agree with this.

It doesn’t have to be confrontational or emotional.

Just state simple facts. Rinse, repeat. Move on.

Show her how you are managing boundaries in a simple, calm and clear way.

“No” is a full sentence.

It’s up to her how she chooses to communicate it to her BF.

Trust your gut…..

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/01/2023 12:05

JimHensonWasAGenius · 23/01/2023 11:59

@wednesdaynamesep Your DH is just an arsehole and you are making excuses for him.

My DH is British and would never dream of behaving like some rude Neanderthal.

I don't think @wednesdaynamesep is making excuses, that suggests she knows it's her DH's attitude and not his 'culture'.
Whereas I think when you marry in a foreign country you can't know what's normal if you routinely see something else and are told this is how we do things round here.
I suspect the DH and his family/circle of friends are lazy and disrespectful and claim it's normal. Which is a shame as I literally don't know anyone who would behave like that. My DH would be the first to step forward to help, let someone go ahead of him as appropriate etc etc
sorry your Dh has given you such a dim view of the UK @wednesdaynamesep