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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
FictionalCharacter · 23/01/2023 11:36

@wednesdaynamesep That’s not a UK issue, it’s your husband being rude and selfish. My dh is British born and bred and would never behave like that!

Favouritefruits · 23/01/2023 11:38

get a house sitter, they can look after your pets and look after the house with no need for you DDs BF to be at your home. Pretend your doing it as not wanting to bother him.

Captainladder · 23/01/2023 11:39

@Duvetdaysaregood .... you sound like a very generous and caring parent And I understand that you are worried about losing the connection to your daughter.
You are not doing your daughter any favours by not addressing this issue though. My parents were very patient with me and my first boyfriend - he came from a wealthy background himself but he was really controlling and I just couldn't see it. I'm very grateful that eventually my dad sat down and chatted to me about where I thought it would go in the future and was it really what I wanted. We had been together for 5 years by then and honestly it just planted the seed for me to be able to see what was happening.
You are still the parents in this situation regardless of the fact that she is an adult - and it's absolutely fine for you not to want him there without her (or at all!). If he throws a strop about it, maybe that's a good thing and might give her a better insight to what he's really like? (He sounds awful).
the sooner you have this conversation with her about your concerns, the better.

Greatly · 23/01/2023 11:39

FictionalCharacter · 23/01/2023 11:36

@wednesdaynamesep That’s not a UK issue, it’s your husband being rude and selfish. My dh is British born and bred and would never behave like that!

Nor would mine. Manners!

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/01/2023 11:39

HowcanIhelp123 · 23/01/2023 11:35

@Duvetdaysaregood Can you not say "Hi DD, thank boyfriend for the lovely offer, so nice of him to think of us but we're not comfortable having people stay in the house while we are away so we've got the dogs booked into .... Can't wait for the weekend! Hope to see you both soon, love OP"

Also, change the locks. When your DD finds out just tell her the lock jammed or you locked yourself out so had to get them changed. If she asks about getting a key ask her why, she isn't going to be there when you're not, she doesn't live there anymore. Do you have a key to her place? If not remind her of that. If she asks about it being her home just say of course and if she wants to move back in she is always welcome to but you thought she was happy in her home with boyfriend and is there anything she wants to talk about.

That's a lot of pussy footing around to avoid saying 'DD your bf is a rude arrogant arsehole and it'll be a cold day in hell before he abuses my hospitality again.'

Do your DD a favour and be honest. Stop enabling his shit or you'll have an Andrew Tate impersonator as a bil before you know it.

Even if she doesn't like it, she needs it.

Be gentle be calm be objective, use facts not character slurs... But be honest

MelroseGrainger · 23/01/2023 11:40

ChiaraMontague · 23/01/2023 09:46

I think you need to have an honest conversation with DD about her BF using your home as "one of his bases" and your concerns about his family staying over again. This will keep coming up again and again if you don't discuss it with her and it will only get harder.

This! Absolutely.
You can’t expect to have a good relationship with your daughter if you lie to her, and aren’t honest with her. The fact you think you might “lose her” over such a relatively minor issue suggests that it’s already a relationship that needs a bit of extra working on? The house-siting issue is therefore the lowest priority problem. This is a relationship matter, and one of integrity and respect and honesty, not a practical matter. Wishing you luck OP

FairyLightAddict · 23/01/2023 11:40

I mean this kindly but why are you so passive? Just tell your daughter the boyfriend isn't allowed in your house when you are away. Tough luck if she's upset by this.

How old is she?

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 11:42

Isheabastard · 23/01/2023 11:13

This is probably not a realisable solution but get a house sitter in and pay them extra to be objectionable to the boyfriend.

If he thinks that every time he comes and stays as the house when you and your Dd are away, he’s got to put up with some miserable shouty git, maybe that would dissuade him in the future.

There are probably some older women around (and men) who would be ideal for the job.

You may have to throw money at it this first time. Ie if a suitable person is not up to the dog walking, get dog walkers in.

Alternative ideas, get work done on the house while away, constant noise and mess. Disable heating, water, electrics. Back up plan ready for dogs to go to other people. Put up internal security cameras.

It may be that you have to accept that he won’t be put off easily, so each and every time he stays there’s just another thing he won’t like.

WHAT? Shock

OP doesn't need a housesitter. She just needs to woman up & learn how to say "you are not allowed to enter my house while I am not there."

I simply don't understand "he won't be put off easily".
Would YOU allow some thieving disrespectful chancer to stay in your house without you just because he wants to?

All this needs is a "no", a Ring doorbell, & a phone call to 999 if he flouts the "no".

MrsOvertonsWindow · 23/01/2023 11:43

Lots of good advice OP but are you hearing any of it?
Will you speak with your daughter?
Will you make alternative arrangements for the dogs (what do you nromally do when you're away?)
An FGS, will you put another lock on the door / change the locks so that when you get round to saying NO, you can ensure that your home is not invaded by unwanted guests?

GrasstrackGirl · 23/01/2023 11:43

I'm sorry but stop being a doormat and outright tell your DD that you don't want her boyfriend staying in your house when you aren't there.

You seem to be dithering for absolutely no reason.

ScorchBeastQueen · 23/01/2023 11:43

My point is, your daughter already knows what her bf is, because you raised her and she knows how all your family and friends behave. She shares your values. She's in denial about her bf, or hoping you haven't noticed

This is exactly it, I saw LTP for what he was but made excuses in my head, and hoped my family didn't notice. Total denial.

After my parents said how they saw him it was harder to ignore or justify.

RandomCatGenerator · 23/01/2023 11:45

wednesdaynamesep · 23/01/2023 11:32

I just skim read the previous thread and it gave me the creeps. There is a culture difference in my family too (DH is British, my family are not), and there is a culture of male chivalry in my country that DH just lacks.

Examples: First thing the men do when they walk into a room in the evening, is check whether anyone wants a drink (women never pour drinks). DH seems to think he's a guest, and sits about getting waited on.

If the women have gone grocery shopping, men come out to help carry in anything heavy. Doesn't even occur to DH. I have to ask / tell him to do it in the UK.

Going on a long journey: men tend to pack the car boots, fetching and carrying heavy items from the house. DH sits on his arse (in the UK I pack the boot because he's useless at it).

A man would never walk through a door ahead of a women; DH thinks nothing of it.

The one that embarrasses me the most: when food is being served and there is a crowd, children get served first, then women, and the men go last. At Christmas, I turned around to see my DH cheerfully piling his plate high while the women and children waited, and the men were standing back chatting, watching and waiting. First in the queue. I have spoken about this to him before, and his logic is the men take too long and their food gets cold.

I see it all and it embarrasses me. I don't notice it as much in the UK because chivalry is a bit dead here, and he's one of many. But crikey, in my country he comes across as seriously rude and lazy. I am slightly irritated with him the whole stay, and that irritation eases when back in the UK.

My point is, your daughter already knows what her bf is, because you raised her and she knows how all your family and friends behave. She shares your values. She's in denial about her bf, or hoping you haven't noticed.

If you gently tell her you felt taken advantage of, don't like the way he talks to her Dad, did not appreciate him going into your bedroom or helping himself without asking first etc, then she'll know you've seen it too. It won't be a surprise. She might be miffed you won't participate in wilful blindness, but too bad. It's her job to manage the relationship between you and him, not yours ... she's the common link. You need to set boundaries though, and be very clear about what you do and do not expect.

In my case, my DH gets his ass handed to him every time ... by me. Imagine fierce whispers: "All the men are fetching and carrying and packing the car ...move your arse and help please !"

I also have massive mental load to anticipate his lack of chivalry and warn him in advance: "When we get to 'x' do NOT sit down until all the women and elderly are seated first. If a woman walks in and there isn't a seat ... stand up and give her yours." I do get push back: "That's just stupid / sexist etc". My response is "My country, my family, my rules...". Your daughter needs to do the same.

Finally, I've told my mum and sister I've noticed it all too and it embarrasses me. They haven't raised it with me ... I got there first. I explained things are very different in the UK. I think they feel a twinge of sympathy for my DH whenever he slips up because they know he's probably going to get told off by me when we're alone.

Having said all that, I think there's more to your daughter's bf than just a culture difference. I'm afraid he sounds like a bit of a creep. Watch him closely. And maybe calling this out now will help your daughter to see him for who he is, instead of everyone supporting her denial by participating in a delusion that there's nothing odd about it.

That isn’t British culture. Your DH sounds rude and lazy I’m afraid…

Aenie · 23/01/2023 11:46

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

Op I haven't read your other thread am maybe I'm missing something so forgive me if I'm asking something silly but the first question that comes to my mind is: do you think her bf is good for your DD? You obviously don't trust him and think he's a user so isn't the fact that he's DD's bf more concerning than him taking over your house? Or is it that you are scared of losing DD if you say anything negative about her boyfriend? If yes, that's even more.concerning. surely someone who exploits the parents also exploits their daughter.

As I said I don't know the backstory but if it was.me I'd tell DD the truth. We don't trust your boyfriend.and this is why.

Alternatively, if you are worried that DD will go no contact with you if you tell her how you feel about him let him watch the house but get DD to promise he won't do whatever it is you are asking him not to do and he won't invite his parents. If he then doesn't keep his promise you can use this as evidenc enti tell DD he's no good. Hopefully she will see sense.

Greatly · 23/01/2023 11:46

GrasstrackGirl · 23/01/2023 11:43

I'm sorry but stop being a doormat and outright tell your DD that you don't want her boyfriend staying in your house when you aren't there.

You seem to be dithering for absolutely no reason.

Yea this. my dh would have already vetoed him staying!

Fladdermus · 23/01/2023 11:47

we anticipate that he would get upset and she would think we are the bad guys

Why are you so scared this? I have a very good relationship with DD and her boyfriend but I have never shied away from saying what needed to be said out of fear of how she'd see me. Sounds like it's not just the boyfriend who's used to ruling the roost in their parents' home.

Lostinmumming · 23/01/2023 11:47

If your daughter has keys could you arrange to need the locks changed before your trip so that you won’t have had time to give her a new set and keep forgetting to make it harder for him / them to come when you’re not there without your agreement?

seineingefrohrenerpimmel · 23/01/2023 11:48

@wednesdaynamesep
Umm.... that isn't because he's British. He's rude and bad-mannered and lazy.
None of the men in my extended family behave like he does.

SiobhanSharpe · 23/01/2023 11:48

Greatly · 23/01/2023 11:39

Nor would mine. Manners!

Mine neither -- he always brings the shopping in, packs the car and would not dream of going up to a buffet first. And he's no different to most of the men I know.

DoristheDuchess · 23/01/2023 11:49

wednesdaynamesep · 23/01/2023 11:32

I just skim read the previous thread and it gave me the creeps. There is a culture difference in my family too (DH is British, my family are not), and there is a culture of male chivalry in my country that DH just lacks.

Examples: First thing the men do when they walk into a room in the evening, is check whether anyone wants a drink (women never pour drinks). DH seems to think he's a guest, and sits about getting waited on.

If the women have gone grocery shopping, men come out to help carry in anything heavy. Doesn't even occur to DH. I have to ask / tell him to do it in the UK.

Going on a long journey: men tend to pack the car boots, fetching and carrying heavy items from the house. DH sits on his arse (in the UK I pack the boot because he's useless at it).

A man would never walk through a door ahead of a women; DH thinks nothing of it.

The one that embarrasses me the most: when food is being served and there is a crowd, children get served first, then women, and the men go last. At Christmas, I turned around to see my DH cheerfully piling his plate high while the women and children waited, and the men were standing back chatting, watching and waiting. First in the queue. I have spoken about this to him before, and his logic is the men take too long and their food gets cold.

I see it all and it embarrasses me. I don't notice it as much in the UK because chivalry is a bit dead here, and he's one of many. But crikey, in my country he comes across as seriously rude and lazy. I am slightly irritated with him the whole stay, and that irritation eases when back in the UK.

My point is, your daughter already knows what her bf is, because you raised her and she knows how all your family and friends behave. She shares your values. She's in denial about her bf, or hoping you haven't noticed.

If you gently tell her you felt taken advantage of, don't like the way he talks to her Dad, did not appreciate him going into your bedroom or helping himself without asking first etc, then she'll know you've seen it too. It won't be a surprise. She might be miffed you won't participate in wilful blindness, but too bad. It's her job to manage the relationship between you and him, not yours ... she's the common link. You need to set boundaries though, and be very clear about what you do and do not expect.

In my case, my DH gets his ass handed to him every time ... by me. Imagine fierce whispers: "All the men are fetching and carrying and packing the car ...move your arse and help please !"

I also have massive mental load to anticipate his lack of chivalry and warn him in advance: "When we get to 'x' do NOT sit down until all the women and elderly are seated first. If a woman walks in and there isn't a seat ... stand up and give her yours." I do get push back: "That's just stupid / sexist etc". My response is "My country, my family, my rules...". Your daughter needs to do the same.

Finally, I've told my mum and sister I've noticed it all too and it embarrasses me. They haven't raised it with me ... I got there first. I explained things are very different in the UK. I think they feel a twinge of sympathy for my DH whenever he slips up because they know he's probably going to get told off by me when we're alone.

Having said all that, I think there's more to your daughter's bf than just a culture difference. I'm afraid he sounds like a bit of a creep. Watch him closely. And maybe calling this out now will help your daughter to see him for who he is, instead of everyone supporting her denial by participating in a delusion that there's nothing odd about it.

That's definitely not a cultural issue, that's an ignorant DH issue. Labelling it cultural is minimising his behaviour.

My DH is British and never, ever acts like this. Nor have any male members of my family or colleagues/friends.

Think you need to start a thread to unpack that one!

HowcanIhelp123 · 23/01/2023 11:50

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/01/2023 11:39

That's a lot of pussy footing around to avoid saying 'DD your bf is a rude arrogant arsehole and it'll be a cold day in hell before he abuses my hospitality again.'

Do your DD a favour and be honest. Stop enabling his shit or you'll have an Andrew Tate impersonator as a bil before you know it.

Even if she doesn't like it, she needs it.

Be gentle be calm be objective, use facts not character slurs... But be honest

OP isn't going to go from completely passive letting them walk all over her to telling her DD he is an Andrew Tate impersonator.

Its a half way house of enforcing gentle boundaries of this is not his home, we will not have people stay when we aren't there and you don't need a key. It's less confrontational but OP has already expressed she isn't comfortable tackling directly.

FlamingoOfDoom · 23/01/2023 11:50

If you are finding it hard to have the straight conversation with your DD about why you feel uncomfortable and why you want to set some boundaries, think about what value you will be giving to her in having it. I'm thinking, in particular, that at some point in the future, she is hopefully going to start realising that there are red flags. That he is taking advantage of her, and/or being controlling. That he thinks his needs are more important than hers. That he thinks, fundamentally, that he is more important than she is, and that he is treating her badly.

At that point she is going to have to figure out what to do. So show her. Show her that it's ok to say you are uncomfortable with some of his actions. Show her it's ok to have boundaries, and that it's ok to push back when people try to trample them. Show her that it's ok to say no, and to expect your decision to be respected. Show her that someone else feeling upset by your decision doesn't mean you have to change it. Show her it's ok to have your own personal values, even if they are different to the values of someone you care about very much.

Don't think of this conversation as being a strong conversation against your DD. Think of it as being a strong conversation for your DD. Because that, ultimately, is exactly what it will be.

WeepingSomnambulist · 23/01/2023 11:50

@wednesdaynamesep

That is not how British people behave. That is how your husband behaves, which probably means it is how his family behave. He was raised without manners. People tend to form social groups with similar people, so maybe his male friends are also quite "me first" and self absorbed.

British culture isnt quite as chivalrous as some others of course, but we aren't rude in the way you have described your husband.

Some people are obviously. But it isnt "the British way".

You've just met and married a self absorbed, rude British man. Had you met and married my partner, youd have someone who run round to open the car door for you and carries the heavy things and puts my children (not his, they're mine from a previous relationship) before himself in every queue we go in and what game they want to play.

Same as my dad. Proper "gentleman."

martinisforeveryone · 23/01/2023 11:51

Frankly @Duvetdaysaregood you’re being bullied in your own home and are now firmly on the back foot.

I totally understand that you don’t want to jeopardise your relationship with your DD, but that shouldn’t come at the cost of your peace of mind and comfort.

Forget excuses, people like the other family will ALWAYS find a way around them. It’s your house and your choices.

Your concerns are all valid and you don’t have to justify them. If you really feel you must give some kind of reasoning, use what we said to avoid over familiarity with DC in-laws ‘we’re not each other’s type of people’ Don’t be drawn into giving examples because she’ll be very well aware that it’s true.

Do get an additional lock for use when you’re not home and a ring doorbell too. All good for security especially as DD thinks you’re ageing in to that bracket where other people can decide what’s going to happen ‘for the best’ 🤔

JimHensonWasAGenius · 23/01/2023 11:51

I remember your previous thread and followed it.

I couldn't believe it then how you didn't put your foot down at the start.

Ok so your DD might be upset but she is not a child, she will need to deal with it and learn that this is not normal behaviour and her BF and his family are CFer's.

Just be honest. Life is way too short for this crap.

Deal with it like adults.

Cormick · 23/01/2023 11:51

My DH is British and never, ever acts like this. Nor have any male members of my family or colleagues/friends.

Same.