To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

[TinkerBeee]

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

You’re insinuating he’s not invited because the time doesn’t suit your child’s bedtime. No one should have to ensure a birthday meal fits in with a child’s bedtime. It’s his mother, surely he can go by himself.

Exactly. It's rich thar OP complains about tantrums and emotional blackmail, when she is doing it herself, both to her husband and to MIL...

Consideration works both ways.

she is having a special birthday. It’s not unreasonable for the family to be putting her first for one day.

it is not unreasonable to think this one day should be about her and what she wants.

I agree.

Five years into this situation, it would seem prudent to have developed a backup plan. Is there no one you can ask as a favour, or hire, to come in for a couple of hours and help?

Most decent gp would want to include their sodding grandchildren in a birthday celebration

Why can't the granny have a grown up evening meal? And an afternoon lunch with grandchildren?

I would like both.

With all due respect, why would a child BE included in an adult evening festivity? We don't revolve everything around kids in my family; we like adults-only celebrations a good part of the time.

It's you mil's birthday not your son's. A lunch time meal is a different sort of party to a night time one. When our kids were very little (oldest 2 are 18 months apart) I always stayed home with the kids and my husband went to his family meals, the faff with little ones wasn't worth it. My husband went on his own and could relax with his family. Most 5 year olds have no interest in sitting nicely in a restaurant around adults making adult conversation, I think inviting kids completely changes the dynamic. She probably wants an adult meal and doesn't want to offend you so making it late is easier to keep it to adults. You can always go around to their house for cake or something on another day if you wanted to see her on her birthday.

Those suggesting he can take the baby, no chance. What, because that child is interesting because he/she isn’t a ‘bother’ like the autistic child that this cow hasn’t been interested in.

well, no, that's not what people are suggesting. What people are saying, in general, is that life is sometimes shit, especially when you have a child with complex needs and a baby. When you have a baby, let alone another child, sometimes you have to decline invitations. That is how life works out sometimes.
When you have another child with complex needs then you have to do the best you can. For OP in this case it might be possible of her to handle DS bedtime alone for one evening, and DH goes to celebrate his mum's birthday. The best way for OP to be able to do DS bedtime routine is for the baby not to be there, hence DH can take the baby.

If that would work.

And i echo pp: all these families making sure all celebrations are ok for everyone, how often do you take the entire family to soft play or the trampoline park?

Unfortunately as we move through life there are occasions where we have to say no to invitations, or decline politely, or have a workaround that involves a bit of planning and a bit of sacrifice so that one person can attend. It is a sign of being a grown-up how we handle this.

And if other people handle it badly (tantrums, emotional blackmail) then - well, we have to handle them with grace too. Or else life is just too much noise and effort.

she wants an evening out - that's her choice and its understandable!

do you and your husband never have a night out separately? don't get the issue with him going and you staying home really

I went to my own sisters wedding alone because there were no children invited so husband stayed home with our daughter - no big deal.

If you both want to go then get a babysitter!

Why can’t adults have an adult meal? This attitude is honestly
baffling. People can celebrate their birthdays however they want.

Would it be possible to book a hotel or B&B close to the venue? That way you could go for 6pm and in theory be back to the hotel for bedtime around 7.30/8pm. Once the kids were settled, one of you could go back to the dinner/party.

A different environment/hotel might not work for your 5 year old but just a thought.

I recently had a birthday and I had a 'do' at lunchtime as I wanted friends with kids to be able to attend but other times I've had birthdays in the evenings as I prefer a more grown up event with drinks etc. It's obviously very tough but I don't think you can expect everyone to organise events around your routine. I say this gently as you've been given a bit of a rough ride on this thread.

yabu. An adult wanting a birthday dinner at dinner time is not unreasonable. People don't have dinners out at 5pm. Its also not her fault that you need 2 people to put 2 children to bed. Either your DH goes or not, its not a hard choice but a 6pm meal is very accommodating - I would't have a meal so early for anyone.

I think you've had some difficult responses OP but I do agree with the masses

My dad recently celebrated his 70th and wanted to try a restaurant in London and some drinks so booked for the evening which meant neither of our kids could attend.

We then took him for a country pub lunch with the kids so they could celebrate with them too.

The added complexity of your child is really about how you manage childcare so either DH or you can attend.

MiL really doesn't need to change her wants for a meal to accommodate him (or any other children that wouldn't be able to attend an evening meal) but this may mean your DH can't go

Is your DH not close to his parents? My in laws are very kind and nice to us but they still have a tendency to schedule dinners at 7pm because that's what they're used to.

When that happens my DH either politely suggests if it's possible for them to change it to lunch so that everyone can attend, or move it earlier to 6pm to accommodate our children's bedtime. If neither are possible then he either goes by himself or declines depending on the occasion.

For a big birthday he should attend. I know it's hard but unfortunately it's his mom's birthday and she's not obliged to bend over backwards for you.

I wouldn’t care about the meal. There’s more to this than a meal. If she was a lovely grandmother, for me there would be no issue. It’s the fact she’s shown little interest in the child, what sort of grandparent does that. A shit one. It’s fucked up. It wouldn’t have gone on for that long if this was me though, if they consistently had shown no interest because my autistic child’s behaviour was an issue to them, we just wouldn’t bother with them. No drama needed, I just don’t have people like that in my life.

Despite your son's needs, not everything can revolve around him.

Just let your DH go. Are the 2 of you never going to go out in the evening, ever again??

You can’t be serious? She can’t have a birthday dinner so you can come, it needs to be lunch?

I think this is just par for the course of having young children. Your husband should definitely go to his mother’s 65th birthday meal and you’ll have to stay home with children. Let’s be honest, if you took your children, they could be

I don't see grandma as a "cow."

If the child is difficult to interact with and has frequent meltdowns, it's likely she's been wary or timid in her interactions. That's natural, not reprehensible. OP says she's been more interactive lately.

Assuming that the preference of an evening birthday meal is a deliberate slight to the child is self-centered & ridiculous. And after five years, most people would have a plan in place so that both spouses weren't needed every single evening.

I’ve already said, for me it not about the meal. If the family were otherwise lovely and chose a meal which didn’t suit my kids, husband would go and I’d have the kids. No issue at all.
But there’s a bigger problem here. The families behaviour, using emotional blackmail and not being interested in a child until he shows more pleasing behaviours. That’s horrible.

‘We’ don’t have to handle those things with grace. We can simply not see those people. No drama, no big fallout. Just distance yourself and don’t see them.

….disruptive for everyone else. I’ve had to miss my husband’s families celebrations to stay home with children and he’s missed family weddings on my side. I can understand why your MIL wants a civilised birthday without children and babies. You’ll just have to sit this one out.

I think she’s a vile, it’s her grandchild. So cow was mild, but actually an insult to a cow.

end of last year both FIL and BIL died, mid 40s and mid 60s
So its not out of the realm of possibility

I get fed up of reading on here “oh you know nothing if you haven’t got a child with SEN”.

Not everyone feels the need to announce their child’s status as a disclaimer before every single post, therefore you have no idea whether their child has disabilities or not.

Having a child with SEN is not an excuse for unpleasant behaviour on the parent’s part, neither does the world revolve around you and your child.