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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

329 replies

TinkerBeee · 23/01/2023 06:58

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

OP posts:
Tessisme · 23/01/2023 08:34

NotEvenSlightlyReasonable · 23/01/2023 08:21

In my family a family birthday celebration is for the whole family, and arrangements are made to suit everyone. When the kids were little that meant we ate early. Now that they're older we schedule to avoid clashing with their social lives. We ensure that everyone will be happy with the menu. And then my dad pays. It wouldn't be a family celebration if we weren't all there and that includes both sons in law. I know not all families are the same, but it seems odd to me to deliberately make an arrangement that excludes some people.

I was originally going to agree with pp's about it being up to your MIL when she has her birthday celebration, but that she has to accept it might not suit everyone. But then I read this and realised that it's pretty much what we do in our family. I could say plenty of negative things about my in laws, but to be fair to them they have always organised special meals and celebrations to suit everyone, including children, to the best of their ability. And we do the same with them.

Unicorn2022 · 23/01/2023 08:34

I've got a severely disabled child and really do sympathise as we very rarely went to anything together and I even had to stay home with my son for several birthday weekends for other people as he would have ruined it for other people.

I don't blame MIL if she does want a child free meal as restaurant meals with any kids there are not as good as adult only meals.

I know life is really tough right now but try not to make this all about you and your son, and if your DH wants to go then let him go with good grace. It's his mother's birthday not a stag do. Either get a babysitter for your son (it's a good idea to get him used to being left with other people so you can have some sort of social life), try to get a friend or family member to help you for the evening, or manage yourself for the one evening. I know it's important for an autistic child to have routine but it's not realistic to expect neither of you to ever go out separately.

FranticHare · 23/01/2023 08:34

NotEvenSlightlyReasonable · 23/01/2023 08:21

In my family a family birthday celebration is for the whole family, and arrangements are made to suit everyone. When the kids were little that meant we ate early. Now that they're older we schedule to avoid clashing with their social lives. We ensure that everyone will be happy with the menu. And then my dad pays. It wouldn't be a family celebration if we weren't all there and that includes both sons in law. I know not all families are the same, but it seems odd to me to deliberately make an arrangement that excludes some people.

Agree. We consider SEN, dietary needs (quite complex ones), we consider ages (very young or the very old), distance etc.

to write a grandchild off and exclude them because they have SEN seems spectacularly mean - and very glad our family works in a different way!

Being with the people we love is what’s important. All the people!

lemondrizzl · 23/01/2023 08:38

I'm sorry you're getting such a rough time this morning. 3m is still hard and sign a son with autism as well bedtime sounds really tricky for you all. It's good to hear that most nights you tag team it and your dh is right there with you.
It sounds to me as though you and he need to have a good chat about what is and what isn't possible to work out between you. If he isn't able to go this time because of your family's needs then it's really up to him to explain to his mum, and deal with her response.
Maybe you could suggest a separate celebration with your family on a day close to her birthday?
I don't think she needs to change her plans but equally she is being unreasonable if she doesn't recognise that people can't make it to a birthday party!

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 08:39

For people saying celebrations have to suit the whole family, does that mean your dc has never had a soft play type party or child centric one? Can't imagine that either of those would suit an older or teen family member? Or are you really meaning all family parties are centred around the children?

MyRiverThee · 23/01/2023 08:39

Those suggesting he can take the baby, no chance. What, because that child is interesting because he/she isn’t a ‘bother’ like the autistic child that this cow hasn’t been interested in.

The husband needs to stop being ok with his child been ignored. I couldn’t give a toss about a meal personally, but the bigger picture here is that there’s a family using emotional blackmail to get their own way, presumably they have form for this, and a grandmother that isn’t interested in her grandchild. Fuck them.

Lovemusic33 · 23/01/2023 08:39

I think YABU and I totally get the ‘having a dc with SEN’s’ as I have 2 and it makes family meals tricky. I think your dh should go alone and you stay home so your ds doesn’t have to have his routine messed up. Family meals are no place for a 5 year old who’s likely to struggle to sit still. I have attempted a few with dd2 and have ended up in tears and being unable to eat.

Scotty12 · 23/01/2023 08:40

YABU. Your MIL’s birthday is not about your son or about you. Be a bit flexible to make it work eg later bedtime, get a babysitter (eg from school / nursery …or a friend / family member from your side of the family, as a one off)… or accept it doesn’t work and stop whinging about it.

YouJustDoYou · 23/01/2023 08:41

My son was like yours when younger, I couldn't have gone to a restaurant as he would've had a meltdown. I personally would never force something like that on him. If that's where your MIL wants it then that's up to her, your dh goes and you stay behind. It's not the end of the world. We can't always include everyone in everything all the time, some things just aren't suitable for some kids/people. Yes it would've been nice had she planned something to include your ds but it is what it is. When you have a kid with additional needs you have to soon learn to develop a thick skin with stuff like this, not every family is loving and welcoming and accomodating to every family member.

QuizzlyBear · 23/01/2023 08:42

Tricolette · 23/01/2023 07:26

I would go and let dh stay at home citing that dh thought you needed a break.
This would royally piss off your in-laws but in future your mil might find ways to include your ds.

So you'd stop your DH seeing his mother on her birthday, your MIL from spending time with her own son, just to do some petty point scoring?

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 08:43

@MyRiverThee that's not the reason for taking the baby? Posters are suggesting this as op has said she is not able to give the baby any attention at bed time as she has to focus purely on the 5 year old as he can't have the baby near him at this time.

MrsMiddleMother · 23/01/2023 08:43

Do you have any family near by? Could your mum come and help for the evening so you get an extra pair of hands and DH can go to the birthday meal?

Zanatdy · 23/01/2023 08:43

You can’t expect someone to have to do a lunchtime only meal as one of their son’s needs to help with bedtime. Can you not put the baby to sleep first? It’s one night, there will be times in your life your DP or you need to do something else at bedtime so you need alternative strategies

LaLuz7 · 23/01/2023 08:44

MyRiverThee · 23/01/2023 08:39

Those suggesting he can take the baby, no chance. What, because that child is interesting because he/she isn’t a ‘bother’ like the autistic child that this cow hasn’t been interested in.

The husband needs to stop being ok with his child been ignored. I couldn’t give a toss about a meal personally, but the bigger picture here is that there’s a family using emotional blackmail to get their own way, presumably they have form for this, and a grandmother that isn’t interested in her grandchild. Fuck them.

The granny has done nothing yo warrant being called a cow. Get over yourself...

sixswans · 23/01/2023 08:44

You've got young children, you can't go to everything. It's her birthday, she should be able to go out for dinner if she wants.

RobinaCherry · 23/01/2023 08:45

YANBU and people without SEN children will never understand

I have two children, one with significant SEN and have been in this position more than once so have good insight and even I think OP is BU.

Mil is pretty elderly now and has had a number of significant birthdays which
dh went to on his own. This affected his siblings too as they also had small children who wouldn't really have done too well at an evening dinner.
It's not out of order for a 65 year old woman to want to have a celebration without small children there.

Obviously it's a struggle doing bedtime on your own, but it's one night.
I didn't learn how best to do it until I had to do it. As dh worked away 3 nights of the week anyway, I had to muddle through until things fell into place.
I have to say, I never took the stance that I 'wasn't invited'. Circumstances were that we just couldn't go so if it was his family then just he would go. If there was an event that pertained more to me than him, then I would go whilst he took over with the children. It all levels up in the end.

Winniepoo · 23/01/2023 08:46

I agree, it's basic courtesy if you actually WANT your family to attend. Before we all had kids we always met in the evening but since the first GC was born we switched to lunchtimes 💐

MyRiverThee · 23/01/2023 08:48

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 08:43

@MyRiverThee that's not the reason for taking the baby? Posters are suggesting this as op has said she is not able to give the baby any attention at bed time as she has to focus purely on the 5 year old as he can't have the baby near him at this time.

Don’t care. If she’s not interested in one child, she gets no contact with any. The whole family sound awful and I’d want nothing to do with them. The husband can do what he likes but what sort of father is he if he accepts his mother having little interest in his child due to his child’s behaviour which may be due to his autism. This isn’t about the meal for me, it’s how they treat this child and their behaviours. Emotional blackmail, no way. I remove people like that from my life.

milkyaqua · 23/01/2023 08:50

It's her birthday. She's 65. She may or may not have many birthdays ahead. How is it in any way "selfish" to want to have an evening meal for your birthday celebration? It's one night and one bedtime out of 364 others.

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 08:51

What about the 'emotional blackmail' from the op if the melodramatic stance is being held?
you do what suits us and what we tell you to to celebrate your own birthday or you don't get to see your son'?

ittakes2 · 23/01/2023 08:51

My mother would choose a time which suits all children and grandchildren because she would want them all there above all else - but my mother is not your m'n'law and you unfort basically need to get your head around that she does not consider you and your children to be a priority for her birthday. But at the end of the day it is her choice - so you need to consider going low contact and not letting it bother you. Do something nice with your kids instead.

LaLuz7 · 23/01/2023 08:52

MyRiverThee · 23/01/2023 08:48

Don’t care. If she’s not interested in one child, she gets no contact with any. The whole family sound awful and I’d want nothing to do with them. The husband can do what he likes but what sort of father is he if he accepts his mother having little interest in his child due to his child’s behaviour which may be due to his autism. This isn’t about the meal for me, it’s how they treat this child and their behaviours. Emotional blackmail, no way. I remove people like that from my life.

Show quote history

Can you read? It's not that MIL shows zero interest in the Son. She's not shown as much interest as OP would have liked (which is very subjective) and has been spending more time with him recently.

That's vastly differently from "not interested in him".

You have a major chip on your shoulder and the advice you are giving is simply toxic.

Clymene · 23/01/2023 08:52

milkyaqua · 23/01/2023 08:50

It's her birthday. She's 65. She may or may not have many birthdays ahead. How is it in any way "selfish" to want to have an evening meal for your birthday celebration? It's one night and one bedtime out of 364 others.

Oh FGS! She's not even retirement age GrinGrinGrin

Alexandernevermind · 23/01/2023 08:52

I'm sorry op, I know things are rough for you, but I don't think your mil is unreasonable in wanting an evening Birthday meal. She probably wants a bit of a boozy adult focused thing, which you can't blame her for. Expecting your dh to go, and to have a tantrum is he doesn't, under the circumstances, is awful. Is your dh planning on doing something with her with your family, a nice lunch or something the following weekend? The only excuse a sensible family would have for his non attendance is if he is generally neglectful of his mother.

33belle27 · 23/01/2023 08:52

Sussexlass84 · 23/01/2023 07:07

Yanbu...from your OP it's clear it's about more than a meal. You'll probably get more understanding responses in the special needs section though...unless people have dealt with a child with additional needs they just won't get it.

I can second this. Having a child with additional needs is like speaking a different language sometimes. People who haven’t been there just don’t get it.

Its not so much about ‘making your Mil’s birthday about your son’ but more about your in law family having an ounce of understanding about the logistics of taking a child with autism on such a trek at his bedtime- when routine is literally make or break for a child (and family) with autism.

Mil should carry on with her meal but should do something separate with you and your family.

hugs xx