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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex-wife stayed over at my partner's house

116 replies

JustWonderingThatsAll · 23/01/2023 06:35

Unsure as to whether my feelings on this matter are unreasonable, I'm completely open to hearing the opinions of others.

So, my partner, with whom I'm planning my future (even recently putting a deposit down on a property together), just told me that his ex-wife is spending the night at his house, so as to be on hand to comfort their DD. On the cusp of becoming an adult, in terms of legal age, his DD is understandably upset over a break-up with her first love. Wanting her mum's support, the DD asked his ex-wife to spend the night at my partner's house.

My immediate thought was that this is inappropriate, with my first reaction being that he should have offered to arrange a taxi over to DD's mum's house (only a 10 minute journey away) should she have felt that my partner couldn't give her the emotional comfort/support/advice she needed at the time. My partner said it felt heartless to put DD in a taxi while upset, although I thought that the options of him accompanying her in the taxi before returning home, or putting her sibling (to whom DD is very close) in the taxi with her for emotional support during the short ride, would have negated any appearances of being heartless.

Having a DD of a similar age as well, understanding, too, the complexities of sharing her care with my ex-husband, I still feel like we have the responsibility to guide our children on matters such as inappropriateness or social/emotional etiquette, which teenagers sometimes appear not to have as they navigate these tumultuous years, often with an air of self-centeredness.

Is it unreasonable for me to feel uncomfortable with my partner's ex-wife staying the night in the close quarters of his very small house, given the aforementioned circumstances?

OP posts:
MoleyAndGeorge · 23/01/2023 06:40

As a one off, to help a DD, I think that’s fine.

ExtraOnions · 23/01/2023 06:41

Do you think that they are going to have sex?

either you trust your partner, or you don’t. Make your mind up before you buy a flat together.

Ohdearnotagain76 · 23/01/2023 06:42

I think if they co parent went and are friends why not. The child isn't young so not trying to mummy and daddy back together, let them support their kid and be proud uour partner is thinking of his child. If he's going to chest I doubt it would be while his daughter is sat heart broken. I would never let my ex into my house as we don't have that reliable but my DS and her ex do and it's fine, they just co parent well as friends.

Krakenes · 23/01/2023 06:45

It wouldn’t bother me, but if it’s only a 10m car journey, can’t the mum drive over or get a cab home when the daughter is asleep? Or the daughter stay at her mum’s. Or the mum stays over and your husband stays with you for the night?

Babetti · 23/01/2023 06:47

It sounds like your partner and his ex-wife are prioritising supporting their heartbroken daughter in their daughter's home.

Are you concerned that there is still something between them? Or is it more that you're just not comfortable with the idea of her staying there because she's his ex-wife and they've had a relationship in the past? And it feels a bit weird for you.

W0tnow · 23/01/2023 06:47

Feels a bit manipulative to me. But only you would know. 🤷‍♀️ I know teen heartbreak can be intense, but asking your mum to stay over when your parents are divorced, when you could just as easily be driven over seems ott.

jeaux90 · 23/01/2023 06:50

It's nuts. The ex coming over isn't the issue but if she's only ten mins away why wouldn't she drive back? It's just weird!

Elleviss · 23/01/2023 06:54

I wouldn't be having any of that. It's a bit weird and shows a lack of respect towards you. Would he mind if it was the other way round? If not, then it shows he doesn't really care about you.

gamerchick · 23/01/2023 06:54

Wouldn't bother me. But then my husband stayed at his ex wife's house the night before our wedding.

They're prioritising their kid, it's not about you.

meetmeatmidnights · 23/01/2023 06:55

Honestly, I think you're being totally unreasonable. It doesn't matter that the daughter is nearly an adult, she'll always be her parents child. I remember my first break up - I thought the world was ending!!

I think it is heartless to put an upset teenager into a taxi to their mums (even with a chaperone as you suggested).

"I still feel like we have the responsibility to guide our children on matters such as inappropriateness or social/emotional etiquette, which teenagers sometimes appear not to have as they navigate these tumultuous years, often with an air of self-centeredness."

What are you trying to say here? Genuinely? I feel like half of your post is word salad.

They share children, who should come first. He told you what was happening, didn't hide it from you and it's hardly like they're having a night of passion to reclaim their lost relationship. She is a mum being there for her daughter when she needs her. I'd be impressed my partner was prioritising the feelings of their child if I'm honest.

Reinventinganna · 23/01/2023 07:03

Do teenagers need both parents to mop their tears after a break up? I’m guessing no one died so it seems a bit dramatic.

RedHelenB · 23/01/2023 07:06

MoleyAndGeorge · 23/01/2023 06:40

As a one off, to help a DD, I think that’s fine.

This. Your jealousy doesn't trump his parenting with his ex wife.
Unless of course you feel this was a lie in which case I'd pull out of the relationship, it can't operate fully without trust.

TidyDancer · 23/01/2023 07:10

What's your concern here?

It just sounds like two parents who care enough about their DD to put her first in what is (presumably) a one off circumstance.

The impression I got from your post is that you just don't like it but are trying to hide that behind what should happen according to social etiquette.

Unless they have a history of shagging behind new partners backs (or you have genuine reason to suspect that's brewing) then any objection to this scenario just sounds selfish and silly.

Kinneddar · 23/01/2023 07:14

Is it unreasonable for me to feel uncomfortable with my partner's ex-wife staying the night in the close quarters of his very small house

What is it you're uncomfortable about? Don't you trust him? Because if you can't trust him to sleep under the same roof as his ex for one night why are you buying a house with him

Jaxinthebox · 23/01/2023 07:19

If the mum only lives 10 minutes away I don't understand why she can't either collect the DD and drive her home if she wants her mum, or pop over and comfort her and then drive herself home or your partner takes DD back home to her mum, comforts her there together and he drives home.

I see no reason for anyone to be staying overnight at another home for this.

Hoplesscynic · 23/01/2023 07:22

I'm with you OP. No need at all for the ex ro be staying, especially since she lives 10 mins away! She could have gone over, had a long comforting conversation/whatever with her DD and gone home. Or DD put in a taxi - can she not survive a 10 minute ride?
Sounds to me like both parents are babying her too much. Would this be happening every time she has a breakup or is upset over something?

I think you should tell your DP how you feel and make clear this can't be happening once you move in together. Even if they are good friends, it's not appropriate or respectful, especially when you start living together.

fairgame84 · 23/01/2023 07:25

I'm on the fence. I'd feel the same as you, that it's inappropriate and not necessary..

However it sounds like the DD invited her Mum and your DP just ok'd it. It's DDs home and she wants her mum there.

Although I don't see why she can't cope in a taxi for 10 minutes.

Zatroya · 23/01/2023 07:26

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hennylovespens · 23/01/2023 07:29

Don't buy a house with someone you don't trust.

Though I think it's sweet that they can and will come together for their child.

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 07:38

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This. And what do you mean 'cusp of legal age'? 15 to 16, 17 to 18? Both still young!
If you do move in together and your dc still lives with you, can he dictate your parenting as you want to with his? Or will that be different as your dc is your dc?...

WilsonMilson · 23/01/2023 07:40

I’d not be a fan of this. There’s no good reason for her to stay over when she lives so close.

Tiani4 · 23/01/2023 07:44

Sounds like his DD is a bit dramatic with her emotions, as I can't imagine any of my DDs needing BOTH parents to comfort either of them on a relationship breakup but then I'm the mum

However it doesn't ring alarm bells from me as a one off if she was that distraught and it'd been a break up of a long relationship. It sounds like her Dad wanted her to stay at his but didn't feel equipped to deal with all the distress and thought mum could help too. I suspect there's more than that, eg DD wanting both mum and dad there together that night as their separation felt a bit related in her head to her new break up

Nope I wouldn't worry about a one off. I would find a repeated or regular ex wife or ex partner sleepover at his quite weird especially given she's almost an adult.

MeridianB · 23/01/2023 07:47

It’s not clear how bad things are with DD. Could she be suicidal and they want to each stay up half the night to watch her?

myrtleWilson · 23/01/2023 07:47

this reads like it was produced by a bot/AI - write a MN post in style of overwrought romance novel.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/01/2023 07:47

It wouldn’t bother me but it sounds implausible. If she is so close, DD could go to her? Why are they doing it like this. Sounds like a manipulative DD, I think.

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