Ex-wife stayed over at my partner's house

[JustWonderingThatsAll]

Unsure as to whether my feelings on this matter are unreasonable, I'm completely open to hearing the opinions of others.

So, my partner, with whom I'm planning my future (even recently putting a deposit down on a property together), just told me that his ex-wife is spending the night at his house, so as to be on hand to comfort their DD. On the cusp of becoming an adult, in terms of legal age, his DD is understandably upset over a break-up with her first love. Wanting her mum's support, the DD asked his ex-wife to spend the night at my partner's house.

My immediate thought was that this is inappropriate, with my first reaction being that he should have offered to arrange a taxi over to DD's mum's house (only a 10 minute journey away) should she have felt that my partner couldn't give her the emotional comfort/support/advice she needed at the time. My partner said it felt heartless to put DD in a taxi while upset, although I thought that the options of him accompanying her in the taxi before returning home, or putting her sibling (to whom DD is very close) in the taxi with her for emotional support during the short ride, would have negated any appearances of being heartless.

Having a DD of a similar age as well, understanding, too, the complexities of sharing her care with my ex-husband, I still feel like we have the responsibility to guide our children on matters such as inappropriateness or social/emotional etiquette, which teenagers sometimes appear not to have as they navigate these tumultuous years, often with an air of self-centeredness.

Is it unreasonable for me to feel uncomfortable with my partner's ex-wife staying the night in the close quarters of his very small house, given the aforementioned circumstances?

So you’re in a relationship with someone new & a financial partnership as well?
Does the man your in the relationship/partnership with allow his ex wife to stay the night at his house?
(your not there)

This.

I really don't see the big deal.

In the kindest way possible: If you don't trust him with this, you don't trust him enough to marry (at least not yet.)

• or buy property together, sorry for the mess-up!

If you truly think this set-up would lead somewhere untoward, then you don't trust this man (whether by his actions or something internal) and need to pump the brakes while you figure out why you're feeling this way before making any major steps.

Trusting your partner means you don’t care about them?

My husband has on a few occasions stayed over with his ex wife and children in an emergency. One time was when both kids and ex-wife went down with an awful stomach bug. He was needed to take care of his kids, so he went. Another was when ex had surgery the following day which meant leaving the house at 6am, it just made sense for him to stay there to look after the children.

Its not a big deal. I trust him.

It would bother me. It's not even a trust issue, it's about boundaries. In my eyes it isn't necessary. Having a 2nd child there complicates things but I think the sensible thing would have been for dad to ask her what she wanted. If she was unsure and he couldn't console her by all means ring mum. Have a chat,mum's a offers to come over. Within an hour (or maybe over tea) I'd be saying do you wanna stay or go home with mum coz she's leaving soon.
She lives 10mins away. It seems extreme to have both parents on standby throughout the night because she's upset. Are there mitigating circumstances? What will happen if she gets upset again and you're in your home together?

My thoughts too. Not about trust or jealousy it's just it's such an extreme reaction to a normal event. I don't recall both my parents being on call for me when I was upset as a teen (they were together) and I've not done that for my kids. It's so unnecessary too. Arguably you could say yes but she wanted both of us there....did she, then if you feel that strongly why did you divorce.
I'd think twice about moving in together.
Boundaries

If you are that insecure this is not the relationship for you.

I still feel like we have the responsibility to guide our children on matters such as inappropriateness or social/emotional etiquette

For goodness sake, you sound a bit ridiculous.

This isn’t about you.

This is about their family, their daughter, and them rallying around at her time of need.

Yes, it’s ‘only’ a broken heart, but if they were an intact family, they’d be doing it, so why not now?

In the nicest possible way, get over yourself.

I really don’t think your partner is going to be jumping his ex’s bones in between them comforting their daughter.

Do you……..?

You obviously do. But why…..?

I don't think sex comes into it. You're missing the point
She wasn't consulted - no discussion just informed
It wasn't even necessary

My ex had his ex wife stay when she broke up with her partner. I wasn't happy about it as it wasn't to do with the children, I was especially pissed off when he wouldn't respond to me cause he was too busy prioritising her.

I was right to be concerned cause he did cheat on me.

Why would the OP be consulted?

It’s a family affair, and they clearly have absolutely no clue of it being taken as anything other than what it is. Two parents supporting their daughter. It, rightly, wouldn’t even occur to them to ‘consult’ someone wholly unconnected.

Find the idea of an 18 year old wanting both mummy and daddy to be a bit pathetic. What are they going to do, sit there for hours?

My exh sometimes stays here as we moved 4 hours away from him and logistically it makes sense occassionally. My dh doesn't mind, but then all 3 of us prioritise the children and aren't petty about things like that as my dh knows there isn't anything romantic between my ex and I.

If his ex drove over to his house to stay, couldn't she have picked the DD up and driven her back home?

You have the most off-putting writing style. I am so distracted by it I struggle to understand what you are saying