Ex-wife stayed over at my partner's house

[JustWonderingThatsAll]

Unsure as to whether my feelings on this matter are unreasonable, I'm completely open to hearing the opinions of others.

So, my partner, with whom I'm planning my future (even recently putting a deposit down on a property together), just told me that his ex-wife is spending the night at his house, so as to be on hand to comfort their DD. On the cusp of becoming an adult, in terms of legal age, his DD is understandably upset over a break-up with her first love. Wanting her mum's support, the DD asked his ex-wife to spend the night at my partner's house.

My immediate thought was that this is inappropriate, with my first reaction being that he should have offered to arrange a taxi over to DD's mum's house (only a 10 minute journey away) should she have felt that my partner couldn't give her the emotional comfort/support/advice she needed at the time. My partner said it felt heartless to put DD in a taxi while upset, although I thought that the options of him accompanying her in the taxi before returning home, or putting her sibling (to whom DD is very close) in the taxi with her for emotional support during the short ride, would have negated any appearances of being heartless.

Having a DD of a similar age as well, understanding, too, the complexities of sharing her care with my ex-husband, I still feel like we have the responsibility to guide our children on matters such as inappropriateness or social/emotional etiquette, which teenagers sometimes appear not to have as they navigate these tumultuous years, often with an air of self-centeredness.

Is it unreasonable for me to feel uncomfortable with my partner's ex-wife staying the night in the close quarters of his very small house, given the aforementioned circumstances?

I think of you trust your partner then this is fine.
They are thinking of their daughter not anything else.

Teenage relationship break ups (first love especially) can become dramatic though - usually the teenager wants her friends support not so much both parents. But i guess it depends on the child / whether mum is her close confidant
I'm kinda 2nd -3rd confidant after DDs' best friends or for anything either of them feel they don't want to tell friends or if best friend is/was involved in said break up (yup there is occasionally a bad un in friendship group who flirts or had emotional affair type relationship with someone's bf or gf...)

Your jealousy doesn't and shouldn't come before his DD. You either trust your partner or you don't.

Sorry it's absolutely ridiculous. Come over for the evening, mop up the tears, sit and stroke her hand whilst the poor heartbroken lass drops off to sleep. Then. Go. Home.

I'd feel exactly the same as you OP and ignore the people who are saying it's jealousy.

Was his ex invited over with the intention to spend the night?

I think it would make more sense to me if she came over to support dd and it got late, and dd asked if she could stay.

But either way it's fine as a one-off, at DD's request. It's nice that they co-parent so effectively. I wouldn't want to be the one to make everyone feel guilty about it tbh, implying that they've done something wrong.

It won't be happening when you move in together will it.

It sounds ridiculous
& DD sounds manipulative and melodramatic
However if it’s a one off I would keep my feelings to myself rather than make a problem.

Well done you your DP for putting his upset DD before his jealous girlfriend!

I really do not understand this. To me there is nothing inappropriate about it. They felt it right for their daughter.

It sounds like you are insecure in the relationship. You need to think about that before buying a house.

Come off it OP you don’t really think this is about teaching teens about boundaries/ appropriateness!

personally this wouldn’t bother me as a one off. What do you think they’re going to get up to?

Nope. It's inappropriate. It's disrespectful to you. I wouldn't be happy for SS's mum to be in my home. Do you live together or separately? Even when we didn't live together I wouldn't have liked it.

What horrible words are ‘appropriateness’ and ‘emotional etiquette’ in the face of parental anguish at their DD’s heartbreak. It’s like modern language to plunge us straight back into the times of Jane Austen or the Victorians.

As for self centredness: is this about you?

If you have reason to believe there is unfinished business or to doubt your DP’s trustworthiness, then deal with that as an issue per se. You cannot successfully manage untrustworthiness by policing ‘appropriate’ behaviour.

His daughter was upset, he made a choice, one which clearly given she agreed his ex was happy with and told you.

I don’t think there is a particular etiquette here just what people are comfortable with and the rules and boundaries they have.

the problem is that yours seem to be different to his to the extent where you are actually fairly scathing of them in your post and their is an undertone of you feeling she was dramatic and he gave in.

so can you cope with this

Agree with @EyesOnThePies. So much self centredness and thinly veiled jealousy of dc. (And people wonder why step-parents can get a hard time here!) Reminds me of that thread over Christmas with the jealous poster who was against her DP going to see his kids on Christmas morning to open presents!

Could the fact that you and your partner are about to buy a property together have anything to do with it? At the moment he has his place and his DD's mum is going there. Do you think although she is not a little kid she still hopes for a reconciliation or is afraid of the upcoming changes and how that may affect family dynamics? I don't think you are unreasonable to feel a little uncomfortable but you need to try to pinpoint why or it it really just vague uneasiness?

As the ex wife in this scenario, I would absolutely do this for my child. I wouldn't touch my ex husband with a barge pole though, vomit. Only you know your partner and their relationship though, but for me, this would be completely innocent and child led.

Sounds fine to me, but the ex-wife will be in your life forever if you stay with this man. You need to decide if you’re ok with that otherwise you don’t have a future with him.

How long have the been split up?

A few months, ok DD needs some support

A few years, something weird

The daughter asked her mum to come. It'd be a mean father who disallowed it. I might roll my eyes a bit at the DD being a bit melodramatic, but otherwise no big deal.
Your vocabulary is the most buttoned up stuff I've read since the aforementioned Victorian novels. Relax, for goodness sake.

On the other hand when this is done, ask your partner what's going to happen when you have a house together. DD can't be summoning her mum then.

Yeah YABU. You trust them or you don't.

In those circumstances it wouldn’t bother be. I trust my boyfriend is not interested in having sex or even being in the con song of his ex wife for long. So I’d know he was only doing it for the sake of his upset DD. Jealousy and lack of trust is not a good trait for a successful relationship

This with bells on

All very dramatic imo.

There is absolutely no reason she should be staying over.

i think you should let them do it as a one off. There’s nothing wrong with prioritising her. Wish my parents had prioritised me when I was younger (divorced living with new partners).
I don’t think it would be ok if it was regular. But one off is fine

What are you worried is going to happen? Whether or not you think the sleepover is warranted if you don’t trust your partner then back out now, otherwise make your own plans for the evening and tell your partner you hope his DD is ok.