Ex-wife stayed over at my partner's house

[JustWonderingThatsAll]

Unsure as to whether my feelings on this matter are unreasonable, I'm completely open to hearing the opinions of others.

So, my partner, with whom I'm planning my future (even recently putting a deposit down on a property together), just told me that his ex-wife is spending the night at his house, so as to be on hand to comfort their DD. On the cusp of becoming an adult, in terms of legal age, his DD is understandably upset over a break-up with her first love. Wanting her mum's support, the DD asked his ex-wife to spend the night at my partner's house.

My immediate thought was that this is inappropriate, with my first reaction being that he should have offered to arrange a taxi over to DD's mum's house (only a 10 minute journey away) should she have felt that my partner couldn't give her the emotional comfort/support/advice she needed at the time. My partner said it felt heartless to put DD in a taxi while upset, although I thought that the options of him accompanying her in the taxi before returning home, or putting her sibling (to whom DD is very close) in the taxi with her for emotional support during the short ride, would have negated any appearances of being heartless.

Having a DD of a similar age as well, understanding, too, the complexities of sharing her care with my ex-husband, I still feel like we have the responsibility to guide our children on matters such as inappropriateness or social/emotional etiquette, which teenagers sometimes appear not to have as they navigate these tumultuous years, often with an air of self-centeredness.

Is it unreasonable for me to feel uncomfortable with my partner's ex-wife staying the night in the close quarters of his very small house, given the aforementioned circumstances?

No, thats completely ridiculous. She lives 10 minutes away? if she lived 3 hours away I could just about get my head around it. Its not even like the dd is a small child. Of course she'll be upset over a relationship breakup, but to have her mother stay overnight at her dads house when they are divorced just sounds mad. Why on earth does she have to stay? In case dd wakes up in the night or something? But seriously unless theres some huge mental health problems or something involved I really don't get it.
Is this how it is whenever dd gets upset? Not sure I could cope with that. How is she ever going to cope with anything, if everytime she is upset both parents insist on staying with her overnight? Theres concern, and then theres total over reaction.
Surely he could of just taken her in a taxi to her mums of she wanted her mum?, or her mum come and collect her. Different if he was single maybe, but hes in a relationship with you now. Thats not to say he puts you first over dd, but he certainly should be putting you in the equation somewhere, and that somewhere is not having his ex wife who lives 10 minutes away sleep over. Just sounds like there are no boundaries, and also sounds very manipulative.
I think its the 10 minutes away that has totally thrown me! Its just completely unnecessary.

Depends on the Ex-wife if I'm honest.

Been in a similar situation, about to move in together early stages of pregnancy the ex wife calls and says she's had a domestic can my now husband go and pick her up and basically rescue her.

He does as his two boys were staying with him on that particular weekend and felt he would look like the bad guy especially to the eldest if he didn't help.

She stayed the night at his, he did not he came to my house she was / is a very manipulative woman and tried it on with him in the car on the way! For his children's sake he allowed them to stay at his house for a week until she was sorted. Again he stayed with me. She made suggestions over this period that he should be with her for the kids sake blah blah.
He was having none of it she only did this as she new he was happy and moving in with me our new home and baby!
She stole from him whilst he allowed her to stay there too which is a whole other story.

I think if you trust your partner don't worry at all.

But again I understand your fears based on my own experience

Also could the DD be encouraging the situation wanting them together...

What happens when you live together? Would Ex still stay over?

I understand daughter is heartbroken but she shouldn't be babyied. Why cant dad console her?

If she's old enough to be in a relationship she is ild enough to cope

But there's no reason not to as long as OP trusts her partner.

This girl is going through something and maybe she wants both of her parents, a sense of normalcy, support. Why should OP distrusting her partner trump that?

If your partner can't be trusted to stay overnight with an ex then don't be with them. I'd have no issues. My divorced parents thankfully modelled a normal co-parenting relationship though so maybe I'm off - they've even spent Christmases together with new partners.

I'm glad I was never made to feel like a strange woman is controling my relationship with both of my parents.

I've stayed exh's many times and he even invited dp. Some people co parent well

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this unless partner is staying at yours that night?

That's just admitting you don't trust your partner. And if you don't, what's the point in any of it?

How odd, and no I wouldn't be ok with it. If the daughter needs her mum so much why can't she just stay at her place given it's ten minutes away.

How long have they been separated? Sounds fishy to me.

I definitely understand why you are upset and i don’t believe YABU but i think what you have been told is probably genuine. He was honest with you about it and I get why a Dad may find it hard to help a teenage daughter with heartbreak. As a one off i think it’s fine.

What are you talking about? The children in most step-families are perfectly fine going to their contact with Dad or Mum without having their parents sleeping under the same roof. Your post is very dramatic. No-one is talking of ditching the step-children...only you.

OP, as you can see on this thread a lot of people have a distain for people who have relationships with men with children. One the ways it manifests is that they shame you for having normal boundaries.

You are not being unreasonable for feeling uncomfortable with this. Most people would find it weird if an ex that lived 10 minutes away did this.

I can't imagine any of the posters shaming you for being uncomfortable would be happy if their husbands announced that they were going to stay with their ex overnight.

So do you think he'll try and have sex with her at the first opportunity, she'll try it on with him and he's too polite to decline or its a total set up because they're both desperate for each others bodies??

Is it odd? Yes.
Is it inappropriate? Only if she's sleeping in bed with your ex or otherwise copulating with him

Absolute nonsense on their part! I went through horrendous heartbreak at 15 years old and all I got was “Oh, well it’s his loss!” ‘Emotional support’ from both parents?! She’s not a toddler….Neither is she going through a divorce after decades of marriage! I completely understand giving sympathy and perhaps a few treats (ice cream & a movie night for example) but having the mum ‘stay over’ in case her Dad isn’t enough!?!?! Come on. Pull the other one!!!! Don’t fall for this nonsense, OP! Run for the hills and don’t look back

Ridiculous tbh and I'm in one of those happy ex family clubs. No way would dc be able to invite ex over for the night no matter how upset they were! She doesn't need to co sleep with her parents to feel safe fgs.

This is the heart of it. Do you think they want to be together? Are you usually jealous?

I'd rethink buying property together until you bottom these feelings out.

All these talking about sex are missing the point.
I loathe my partner’s ex wife, she has done some unspeakably horrible things and I wouldn’t have her in my house under any circumstances.
He despises her too, and would rather die than have sex with her again.
It’s nothing to do with sex or jealousy. Grow up!

So given that hatred if he said she's sleeping over tonight with Kid, you'd have reason to be WTF, but op hasn't suggested there's animosity or hatred or harm.

@SleepingStandingUp she doesn’t have to have had hatred or harm to not want the woman in her home.
It’s her home and if she doesn’t want the woman in there, that should be enough.

She said HIS house. I assumed they're not living together. Because you're right in that scenario but I don't think this is that.

Yes! I couldn't put my finger on it!

OP doesn't currently share a house with him.

I’d walk away from this one - plenty of men out there without this baggage OP

Ignore the posters telling you you’re over reacting. In a world with a lack of morals & values, those posters run with the crowd.

He hasn’t married you, yet had you financially contribute to a recent property purchase.

You’re in a relationship/partnership, yet he “told” you his ex wife is sleeping over.

Extremely inappropriate, poor morals!!!

I don’t agree to sending the teen in a taxi (unsafe). The father could have dropped the daughter off.
His daughter’s a TEENAGER, not a little girl.
Extremely odd she asked for the mother to sleep over, rather than talk to friends or mother on the phone.
Wanting her mom to stay the night like a little girl doesn’t match the actions of a TEENAGER who just had a breakup with “first love.”
A TEENAGER who has had their first live ISN’T acting like a little girl anymore.

What is the father teaching his daughter nearing adulthood?

*Seems the father wants to get back with his ex & ex with him.
The behavior from BOTH parents is too odd & inappropriate.
DAUGHTER’S BEING USED AS AN EXCUSE!
Where’s the logic in parents putting their children first? If that were so they never would have split! Excuses, excuses & lies

*Get your money back & find a BETTER MAN. He doesn’t deserve a woman ethics like you. Not only does he have no respect for you, he’s of poor character.
A good man would NEVER allow such a thing.

This has nothing to do with the posters “lack of trust.”

A decent man wouldn’t have such a situation existing in the first place!

He only “told” her because she’s going to find out.
What kind of a man just “tells” his partner his ex wife is staying the night?
Sounds like a USER & a LIER.

Bottom line is a man of good character would NEVER allow a situation like this to even EXIST!