Ex-wife stayed over at my partner's house

[JustWonderingThatsAll]

Unsure as to whether my feelings on this matter are unreasonable, I'm completely open to hearing the opinions of others.

So, my partner, with whom I'm planning my future (even recently putting a deposit down on a property together), just told me that his ex-wife is spending the night at his house, so as to be on hand to comfort their DD. On the cusp of becoming an adult, in terms of legal age, his DD is understandably upset over a break-up with her first love. Wanting her mum's support, the DD asked his ex-wife to spend the night at my partner's house.

My immediate thought was that this is inappropriate, with my first reaction being that he should have offered to arrange a taxi over to DD's mum's house (only a 10 minute journey away) should she have felt that my partner couldn't give her the emotional comfort/support/advice she needed at the time. My partner said it felt heartless to put DD in a taxi while upset, although I thought that the options of him accompanying her in the taxi before returning home, or putting her sibling (to whom DD is very close) in the taxi with her for emotional support during the short ride, would have negated any appearances of being heartless.

Having a DD of a similar age as well, understanding, too, the complexities of sharing her care with my ex-husband, I still feel like we have the responsibility to guide our children on matters such as inappropriateness or social/emotional etiquette, which teenagers sometimes appear not to have as they navigate these tumultuous years, often with an air of self-centeredness.

Is it unreasonable for me to feel uncomfortable with my partner's ex-wife staying the night in the close quarters of his very small house, given the aforementioned circumstances?

How long are DD parents separated?

It does seem a bit drama lama even my 14 year old would get a big hug some reassurance and a distraction unless you have been together for years or have children life moves on pretty fast maybe it's been because I was taught not to wallow? I taught my children similar my daughter split from her partner I gave her a hug wiped away her tears said come down when your ready she was down within the hour bit moapy for a few days but she pulled out of it I made sure she was OK a few times but there was no real drama just a few tears

Not up to OP to "let them" surely?

What would annoy me is it presented as a fait accompli, rather than At least a cursory check-in with you. Then it would at least feel like a team decision.

However, more information needed - how is your relationship with his ex? Does she often over-step like this? Have any of them (DP/his ex/his DD) ever heard of - or used - a very clever little device called a TELEPHONE? It means that a person can offer in-the-moment support from the comfort of their own home.

I mean, it's odd. It's a really odd thing to suggest the ex needs to stay the night to 'be on hand to offer support'. People are weird sometimes.

I think so too, plus hardly going to get it on with adult DD around. I actually think this is quite a good indication of what a lovely family they still are which is a positive thing

It just seems a bit unnecessary? Okay it seems like a big deal to a teenager at the time but no one has died and she lives 10 minutes away.

I'd want to know what your partner expects to happen in these scenarios if you end up buying a house together? His ex wife staying with him is one thing but I wouldn't want to set any precedence for when I was living with him too that she can just come and stay in our spare room whenever DSD is upset.

To be honest id never have carried on a relationship with someone who was like this with their ex personally. I have a friend who's partner does all sorts like this, goes and spends Christmas with his ex every year, goes and stays over whenever their kids are a bit poorly and so on... It's shit and I just don't see how it works in terms of creating a new family with a new partner when you're so tied up with the old one. My friend and her partner have discussed children etc.. and this is always one thing that causes her to question.

My husband wouldn't dream of spending Christmas day with his ex and neither would she or having her round to stay over if one of the kids was a bit upset, especially living so close by!

I wish more separated parents took joint approaches like this.

I have a cousin who’s parents have been divorced for like 25 years - both have whole new happy families now. They still won’t be in a room together and it’s causing my cousin immense stress for her upcoming wedding. Selfish pricks the pair of them, and always have been. Their relationship nonsense always came first and my cousin really suffered for it.

Anyway, I digress.

Surely there is a happy medium, not just either end of the scales only?

My husband can be in the same room as his ex perfectly fine and yes he will talk to her and make friendly conversation. But he doesn't do that unless is necessary i.e. a parents evening, a birthday party, future events like weddings or whatever will be absolutely fine and not tense or uncomfortable at all.

But there is a difference between that and inviting your ex round to sleep at your house when you're in a new relationship and she only lives round the corner.

That's a complete over reaction.

It should be normal for two adults to spend a night under the same roof without issue. Is it just because it's his ex? What if it was a friend who needed to stay the night for some reason? Do you have any other reason not to trust him?

My partner stays with his ex a few times a year when travelling for work, always has. He goes to visit their dog, and because he still enjoys her company and cares about her even if he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I am completely fine with this, have met her a few times and had her stay with us, and it makes me happy he has female friends. It puts me off when people don't get on with their ex's tbh

It puts me off when people don't get on with their ex's tbh

Again there is a world of difference between not getting on with your ex and having them round for a sleepover.

Can't believe the 'let them as a one off' 'should have been run past you' posts.

Does that mean the pp should also be deferring to the DP for what she does and who she has in her home?

My ex husband stays the night occasionally for our child. We manage to not have sex.

It's shit and I just don't see how it works in terms of creating a new family with a new partner when you're so tied up with the old one

@LookyEre this is a staggering statement. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. It’s not about the parent ditching the ‘old’ family and creating a ‘new’ one. What about the child/ children in the ‘old’ one? It’s not being ‘tied up’ it’s being a decent human and caring about someone you had a child with and your child. You must make for a horrible step-parent.

She wanted her Mum, fine, she should have gone to her mum's house.

presumably she's 17, she doesn't need a chaperone for a 10 minute taxi ride (if neither parent drives).

I understand how upset she was,I was the same at her age. Distraught! But not beyond getting a 10 minute taxi.

As for the Ex staying overnight, it would depend on which partner & which ex!

but it was completely unnecessary.

What about the child/ children in the ‘old’ one?

I didn't realise I'd need to clarify but obviously the children are included in my definition of new family.

My husband and I share children together, I also have DSC. We are a family together. The family of DH, his ex and their children together has separated. It is not feasible for my husband to go off and spend every Christmas with his "old" family when he's chosen to create a new one (which yes obviously includes his children with his ex).

As I said I have a friend in this position who lives with her partner and has discussed marriage and children. Where does that fit in with him going off every Christmas to spend with his ex and their kids? I stand by the fact you cannot expect to create a new family with a new partner whilst you're still tied up with doing things like that with your old one 🤷‍♀️ sure it might work in some scenarios but no way I'd be at home with our kids whilst my husband waltzed off to spend Christmas at his exes (which is the situation my friend fears if she were to have a family with her partner as he wants).

If you are uncomfortable with it it doesn't matter what we say

And I find it laughable that so many people act shocked and flabbergasted at OP being uncomfortable with an ex partner staying over at her partner's house.

If this were a partner inviting an ex who he didn't have kids with over to stay at his house people would be agreeing the OP was unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with it.

The fact they share kids may be the reason she is staying and that's understandable, but it doesn't mean OP is any less likely to find it understandably uncomfortable either.

I'd be wanting to know what happens in these situations when you move in together because OP would be perfectly reasonable to say she doesn't want his ex sleeping at what would then also be her home.

Only in the world of Mumsnet would this be seen as anything other than absolutely crackers, boundary smashing, thoughtlessness by all three of them.
Mumsnet is truly screwed up and the first wife/step kids mother club is the main demographic. This is not real life opinion.

If this were a partner inviting an ex who he didn't have kids with over to stay at his house people would be agreeing the OP was unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with it

oh yeah because that’s exactly the same 🤨

Do you just purposefully misinterpret things? 😂😂

The point is, it is still an ex staying over at her partner's house. You can agree that it's understandable because they have children together whilst also agreeing that it's understandable OP is uncomfortable with it. Instead posters make out OP is a ridiculous, immature, jealous idiot for feeling uncomfortable with her partner's ex staying at his house when they'd all be understanding if they didn't have children.

I just don't get why posters on threads like this try to act like it's not a normal reaction to be uncomfortable with your partner's ex staying over at their house and instead make out like the person who feels uncomfortable with it is just silly and immature. It's a perfectly normal thing to feel uncomfortable about!

The fact they have children doesn't make it less uncomfortable, they are still your partner's ex. The children may be the reason for them staying and they may be why it is more understandable than a random ex you don't share kids with is staying over but it doesn't make it any less uncomfortable for the new partner, why would it?!

It is perfectly possible for a man and a woman to spend the night under the same roof without having sex. There is no magnetic force that irresistibly draws his penis into her vagina.

I don’t think she’s immature etc to be uncomfortable about it. But I think, where your boyfriend has a child with someone else, that there needs to be a level of acceptance that that person is going to be in their life. And you need to be ok with that.

the terms of that, and what their coparenting might look like, are really up to the parents themselves. If the new girlfriend isn’t comfortable then she doesn’t need to stay in the relationship but she shouldn’t come in saying waaah I don’t like it.

The difficulty is that this looks different for different people. There are plenty of people who wouldn't dream of staying at their exes house even if their child was upset (especially given this ex lives round the corner). It is not a given that if you enter into a relationship with a parent you have to be fine with their ex staying over at their house. And if as a parent you choose to enter into a new relationship, you do also need to accept that this person doesn't have to agree with and accept every single thing you do with your ex/co parent. They can have feelings on the matter and those feelings should be heard and respected (not the same as saying you need to stop whatever it is you were doing).

OPs question was is she unreasonable for being uncomfortable with this? Surely the only reasonable answer is no you're not but you may have to accept it or leave? Not things like 'this is so SILLY, so ridiculous, you're so jealous and childish' blah blah. Because it's a really quite normal thing to feel at your partner having his ex round to stay! Which everyone would normally agree with.