To tell DH his mother has cancer?

[Richvanilla]

Name changed for this.

Backstory is that my husband works away for 4 months at a time and is currently halfway through his current trip (i.e. has another 8 weeks to go).

MIL called me yesterday to tell me she has been diagnosed with breast cancer but it has been caught very early and all being well she will have surgery to remove it and that will be it over.

She has asked me not to tell DH (her son) as it is hard enough for him working away for such long periods without adding in the stress of this too.

I don't know how I feel about keeping this "secret" from him but also, it's not my secret to tell. I feel like I can't win either way. If I tell him then MIL will be annoyed and if I don't then DH will be annoyed that I didn't tell him (at least I think he would be... Or maybe he would agree I was right not to tell him as she asked me not too).

Everyone else knows, his brothers, his cousins etc so he will be the only one who hasn't been told.

I have no idea what to do... Any advice gratefully received!

I think you need to talk to her again and say it’s not fair on your DH that everyone else knows except him, that you’re uncomfortable keeping this secret and that she should treat him the same as her other children. And that you’ll be emotional support for him.

Tell him. If she didn’t want you to tell him then she shouldn’t have told you. You owe more loyalty to your DH than to her - she had no reason to tell you and she should’ve checked if you were willing to deceive DH before unloading on you.

It’s not your secret to tell but it’s also not your secret to keep.

Don’t tell him. If it is really bothering you, encourage her to tell him. Cancer is not nice, but honestly, breast cancer caught “very early” is no doubt not the best news, but it’s not the worst news in the world.

Don’t tell him. It’s not your news to share and you’ve specifically been asked not to. When he gets back, she can tell him and hopefully will have a clearer idea of the situation post-op. Then, after the news has settled have a conversation with your DH about they type of thing he wants and expects to know if he’s away going forward so you can avoid this happening again. My DH used to be in the army and had a list of need to know vs wait until I’m back types of news. He was in the forces abd couldn’t afford to be distracted.

What @Randomness12 says.
It would be cruel to tell him when he can't do anything, & MIL has specifically asked you not to.

Don't tell him, but I would tell your MIL that she is wrong for not telling him and she has put you in a very difficult position. I would tell her you do not appreciate being put in a position to keep secrets from your husband.

I would have another chat and say she is being very unfair to dh. Everyone else knows apart from him, how would she feel if everybody in the family knew something other than her

I would say that I am sorry but either she tells him or you will as she is not being fair to you either asking you to keep something from him

This 100%

I would hate not to be told if I were your DH. I would speak to her again and explain how wrong it is for him not to know- and unfair on you and his siblings to have to keep it a secret when any of you talk to him. Ask her to imagine if it was the other way round and she was the one not told and how she would feel. Tell her that she needs to tell him or give you permission to tell him

Absolutely you tell him IMO: not to do so would be a real deception regardless of his mum asking you not to, as he's away at the moment. Not fair for his other family members to know and be involved and not him. This is not a secret you should keep.

Get him to call his mother for a chat!

She should absolutely not have put you in this position! She is asking you to deceive your Dh. You should tell him as your first loyalty is to him, but first phone her or visit her and tell her that you cannot keep this from him.

Breast cancer caught very early and likely to only need a removal is horrible but not terrible. I would encourage his mother to tell him and to stress that it’s not life threatening and unlikely to need invasive treatment and she will be fine but she does need to tell him and it’s not really for you to do

No. It's her body and her business to share.
But since everybody knows, I would discuss with her how upset he would be if someone else tells him while he's away. He should he told by you or his mum, but I wouldn't go against her wishes.

And it's OP's marriage with its own internal rules about secrets.

That's the issue. MIL has made a choice on behalf of OP about what she says to her own DH, not OK.

OP, I'd tell MIL that you feel really uncomfortable about this and would she like to tell him or should you, because you don't keep secrets in your marriage.

DH wouldn't have forgiven me if I had when his mum had cancer.

I would tell her that she can tell him or you can but that you don't have secrets between you and you aren't comfortable being the holder of that information and keeping him in the dark. She can then decide who tells him.

Imagine if he finds out from not you or your mother ....... Why does she think it's okay for a cousin to know and not her son? I would call her back and encourage her to tell him herself. Say you don't feel comfortable keeping this knowledge from him. If he is worried, feels far away assure her you will be there for him

Agree

Have you ever discussed what he wants in this sort of situation? I work away for 4 months at a time and the agreement I have with my family is that if it's something I can't do anything about they don't tell me about it unless someone is likely to pass away before the end of my trip. I can't leave partway through a trip except if an immediate family member was to die and even then it's not guaranteed they could get me off so I wouldn't be told about something like a cancer diagnosis until I got home.

Do you agree that your DH finds things particularly hard whilst away, and that he wouldn’t react well (even though there is a clear treatment plan, a high chance of success of being cancer-free, and he couldn’t do anything different for his mum even if he was around)?

If you think he’d take it terribly then that’s different to if she’s just making a decision for him that is a bit unfair and infantilising.

Thanks all for your input. I think I will call her and say I think she should tell him, exactly as she told me that she isn't that worried as it's been caught very early etc but if she insists not too then I will leave it at that.

So his grandma is very unwell at the moment and we had discussed what to do if anything happens to her and he said he would like to be told, and also about one of our dogs who is elderly but it hadn't occured to either of us to discuss a situation like this, unfortunately. Definitely a chat we need to have when he's back.

She shouldn’t have told you, if she didn’t want him to know, she’s put you in a dreadful position. I would say that she tells him or you will as I wouldn’t feel comfortable keeping it from my b partner. If he does feel annoyed at not being told, you’ll probably bear the brunt and why should you.
To be honest, if the prognosis is so good, I’m sure he’ll be fine coping with the news anyway, so she’s going to cause an issue where there isn’t one.

This sums up my feelings quite well that I couldn't articulate myself. I honestly think he would take it okay considering the facts as they are just now. He is a grown man and I think he would react sympathetically but I don't think it would make the remainder of his trip any more difficult.

That would be different of course if she were to have to have chemotherapy or something.

You might not have discussed his mim, but the trend seems to be that he wants to know any bad news.

As others have said,,you should tell her that shes put you in a very difficult position and its unfair and unreasonable. Especially as the rest of the family know.
Can you imagine the shit storm that will happen if he finds out he's the only one who doesnt know?
Id also say that you dont want it to cause trouble between you and him so she should tell him,,,,or you will.

If my spouse knew one of my parents had cancer and did not tell me - that would be the end of our relationship. Forever. Absolutely unthinkable. The stage has nothing to do with it. I just can’t even imagine.