To tell DH his mother has cancer?

[Richvanilla]

Name changed for this.

Backstory is that my husband works away for 4 months at a time and is currently halfway through his current trip (i.e. has another 8 weeks to go).

MIL called me yesterday to tell me she has been diagnosed with breast cancer but it has been caught very early and all being well she will have surgery to remove it and that will be it over.

She has asked me not to tell DH (her son) as it is hard enough for him working away for such long periods without adding in the stress of this too.

I don't know how I feel about keeping this "secret" from him but also, it's not my secret to tell. I feel like I can't win either way. If I tell him then MIL will be annoyed and if I don't then DH will be annoyed that I didn't tell him (at least I think he would be... Or maybe he would agree I was right not to tell him as she asked me not too).

Everyone else knows, his brothers, his cousins etc so he will be the only one who hasn't been told.

I have no idea what to do... Any advice gratefully received!

Thanks all. A lot of very strong opinions on both sides! I can really see both points of view.

I have spoken with her and said that I personally feel she should tell him as I think he will be more upset finding out later and knowing that everyone (including me) knew weeks ago. I also explained that I think he will take it okay as long as there is a plan in place and he's a big boy.

Ultimately when you work so far away for such long periods of time it's inevitable that bad stuff will happen at home and he can't just check out of whatever is happening due to his choice of career.

I think you have done the right thing and she will come round. Hope things go ok for you all.

Maybe she could arrange a time to tell him when you are free to debrief with him after. Just keep communicating with her.

You need to tell DH, preferably with MIL's approval.

Keeping a friend's secret is one thing, but keeping something about his parents from him is quite another. It would damage our relationship if DH kept it from me.

If DH is regularly away, he needs to know that you have home covered, and that he can relax about you all. He can't be worrying about what you're keeping from him every time.

My DH worked away for two years and at the end of that period, FIL was diagnosed with cancer. DH knew, and his mum double checked with me that we shouldn't keep it from him. The only time I contemplated not keeping him fully in the loop was when FIL was due to get some very important results a couple of days before I flew out to see DH. In that case I decided that if it was bad news I would wait to tell him in person.

X-post. This:

Ultimately when you work so far away for such long periods of time it's inevitable that bad stuff will happen at home and he can't just check out of whatever is happening due to his choice of career.

is also a good point that I hadn't considered.

Best of luck.

I would follow up with you respect her decision
but massively worried about the implication for you as he’s bound to find out as everyone knows and he’ll be furious with you for keeping it from him

It's not just that people check out while they're away for a long stretch it's that we physically can't be there and sometimes (in my job) can't even call or email. It's a hard life that takes its toll on everyone, the one away and the people left holding the fort at home. It definitely doesn't work for everyone.

Not the same OP but a few times I’ve discovered significant family ‘things’ after the fact because people didn’t want to tell me. I’m the youngest and live away.

All I can say is despite there being nothing I could do, it’s not nice being the only one who doesn’t know and even worse knowing that conversations have happened to keep you in the dark. It also meant when I did find out I felt like I was dealing with emotions on my own as everyone had either processed it or moved on to the next phase.

Think you have done the right thing to go back to your MIL as it’s put you in a difficult situation. I also agree with your update that choosing to work away does mean you’re away when significant life things happen, the world doesn’t stop. GL to you and your MIL.

When you post on a public forum you’re going to get opinions, and I’m entitled to mine. You are entitled to yours.

Whilst it's her medical info, she chose to tell you and has no right to ask you to keep it from DH. I don't keep secrets from DH for anyone. It's infantilising to suggest not telling him, he's a grown man not a small child. If she didn't want him to know she shouldn't have told you, very unfair of her to put you in that position.