To tell DH his mother has cancer?

[Richvanilla]

Name changed for this.

Backstory is that my husband works away for 4 months at a time and is currently halfway through his current trip (i.e. has another 8 weeks to go).

MIL called me yesterday to tell me she has been diagnosed with breast cancer but it has been caught very early and all being well she will have surgery to remove it and that will be it over.

She has asked me not to tell DH (her son) as it is hard enough for him working away for such long periods without adding in the stress of this too.

I don't know how I feel about keeping this "secret" from him but also, it's not my secret to tell. I feel like I can't win either way. If I tell him then MIL will be annoyed and if I don't then DH will be annoyed that I didn't tell him (at least I think he would be... Or maybe he would agree I was right not to tell him as she asked me not too).

Everyone else knows, his brothers, his cousins etc so he will be the only one who hasn't been told.

I have no idea what to do... Any advice gratefully received!

I would find it very difficult talking to DH if I knew this secret especially if he asked how his parents were. It does seem unfair if cousins etc know. If MIL had kept this diagnosis to a select few it might not have been that bad.

I can't be too hard on the mother in law in this instance. She's been landed with a troubling diagnosis. No matter how optimistic she seems to be, there's always a level of threat when people mention the C word, so she may not be thinking quite like the rest of us. I've also come across this phenomenon myself. The mother of an ex partner told me about several gynaecological problems she'd had when pregnant with him which he had no inkling of, apparently. Maybe it's easier to tell someone who's not a blood relative, maybe it's easier to tell another woman, or maybe something else entirely. There's no accounting for folk.

YABVU

This is it your news and you need to stop making it about you.

Respect his mum’s wishes and let her tell him herself when he gets back.

There is nothing worse than being away and not being able to do anything.

Telling him would be a very cruel and selfish thing to do.

But even if he was here, he can't do anything? I mean what is there to do bar see how the person is doing. Which he can do over phone anyway.

@Cocobutt ..totally agree with u.

I've had early stage cancer. I don't think it gave me the right to tell anyone to keep a secret from their partner. It means you need extra support, but it doesn't make you automatically right about everything.

I would have to go back to her and say you really feel you should tell him. I would be devastated if someone kept this from me about my mum. There is lots you can do from afar in terms of support and he has made it clear about other things that he wants to know.

Extraordinary amount of condemnation of selfish old cancer-suffering MIL on this thread..... Why on earth is she obliged to tell her son if she doesn't want to? When I was in a similar position to her I told the people I wanted to know and didn't tell others, and I believed that was absolutely my right and believe it still!

And as for those insisting they would leave their spouse if s/he kept their parents' cancer diagnosis from them - why, just why would you do that? Why wouldn't you understand that they had not told you at the sick person's request? And that you do not have some inalienable right to this knowledge?

Sometimes I think I have entered a parallel universe.....

I would respect my MIL's wishes if it was me. But each family is different.

I work away from home for 4 months at a time and I am involved in managing people in these situations. I personally want to be told everything - I want to decide how I react and deal with these situations and do not take kindly to other people deciding what I think and feel and I know and understand my workplace and what is available and can be achieved.
I have a lot of experience with with this having a very elderly parent and a disabled DH. I have had to deal with this issue many times now.

From the employer POV, there is a possibility that they can support the OP's DH.
In my workplace sending a staff member home would be considered and we would be having a conversation to see if that would be an option which would help, other options are adjusting work load, arranging more welfare access to communictions home, early release from appointment, peer support
and longer term support with alternative work sites etc.
The OP is perhaps better placed to know what is and isn't achievable for her DH.

OP - I see you have decided that this is a discussion piece for you both (and for wider family) so you are all clear on what he wants and what can be done in these situations as with this kind of work rota it is inevitable that life's bad stuff happens. If he hasn't already, discussion within his workplace on how they would support him to deal with problems if he cannot or chooses not to go home immediately would be useful. Ultimately this is for DH to communicate to people the realities of his chosen workplace, so it is between him and his mum really.

I'd respect her request. If he gets upset, so be it.

Just to add something from a similar perspective to your DH’s (perhaps - although his circumstances may be quite different). Sorry it’s a long one! When my dad got cancer, my parents told my brother straight away and me a few months later. Said they hadn’t told me before as didn’t want to upset me while pregnant and there wasn’t much I could have done (I live in another country). At first I was a bit annoyed/upset that they hadn’t told me, but soon got over it. Fast forward 3 years and a turn for the worse and they and my husband decided not to tell me straight away because they thought I was stressed out with work, kids etc. They ended up telling me a few days later. Again, I recognised they were trying to protect me, but still felt like they were treating me like a child.. On the other hand, when we were rushing to see my dad before he died, my husband found out just before takeoff that we were too late, and told me straight away. I wish he hadn’t as I was then stuck on a plane for several hours having to deal with that news surrounded by strangers. So with that whole long story I would probably say that, from my experience, if I was in your husband’s shoes (unless he’s in an incredibly difficult situation like a war), I would want to be told now.

Sorry, I should add that I’d try encouraging your MIL to tell him herself first…

In principle I get that it's her news to tell (or not), but if so many others know, has she considered that someone could easily message your DH with "Sorry to hear about your mum" or similar?

I can't imagine that would please him, so while I'd keep her confidence for now I'd also stromngly suggest to her that she needs to reconsider

You are the only one who has called MiL old.

The act of telling OP and wanting her not to tell her DP is a selfish one. It doesn’t make MiL a particularly selfish person, but that particular act is selfish. Suffering from cancer isn’t a get out clause that stops everybody else’s lives from continuing. It doesn’t mean others can’t have problems or needs. It doesn’t make all other considerations fade to nothing.

MiL isn’t obliged to tell her son if she doesn’t want to, but she also wasn’t obliged to tell her DiL. She choose to do that. It is the act of telling her DiL and then requiring her to keep the secret that is selfish and unreasonable.

I'm not sure if your husband in in the military- mine is and often does 4-6 month deployments. I just asked him and he said he would prefer I didn't tell him whilst away, unless of course it was the end of her life and he needed to come back x

I'm sure she didn't mean any harm but she has put you in a really difficult position.

Best wishes OP, whatever you decide to do.

I think you've missed your opportunity but after she had told you THEN said 'Don't tell' I'd have said immediately said that my husband and I would never keep big secrets from each other.
If however she'd started off by saying "l have something to tell you but you must promise not to tell..." I'd have again responded immediately with "well I can't guarantee that yet "
I'd maybe wait till she has a date for the op then inform your husband she's going in for an op next Xday. Of course I'd encourage his Mum to be on board with that. He might be a grown man but he's still her little boy and she may prefer you to speak with him instead of her. Is the wait likely to be long OP?

Yes I find the concept weird that ‘we have to tell each other everything’. Keeping a friend’s confidence isn’t the same as ‘having secrets in a marriage’. It’s about respecting the needs of a friend who has confided in you.

This case is not easy by any means. I would be regularly and gently encouraging my mil to tell her son. But I would not make this about me and my husband. I would respect the person with the cancer diagnosis. And my husband and I would not berate each other afterwards if we respected his mum’s wishes and kept quiet. Because it’s not about us.

Course it doesn’t make you ‘right about everything’. But you can ask someone to keep your medical history confidential, even from your own son, if that’s what you feel comfortable with at that point.

Why on earth is she obliged to tell her son if she doesn't want to?

She's not obliged to but surely she must realise she's put OP in a difficult situation. Everyone except her son knows, including his wife. If she really didn't want her son to know she shouldn't have told OP.

I get the impression mil has only just found out herself. Give her time to adjust and reflect. My guess is, with support and gently encouragement from the OP and the rest of the family, she will tell her son before the eight weeks is up. No need to panic, inform the husband and break the confidence today. Give her another week or so and she may make the decision for herself.

Good luck OP. This is really difficult for you.

Unlikely surgery will be end of it, sorry.
I has something similar with in laws. I said I would not lie if asked a direct question, but would not bring it up. Obviously direct question did not have to be ‘does x have cancer’

I was in this situation with my MIL. I ended up telling him as I thought he would want to know. He was so thankful that I’d told him. Xx

I kept a similar secret - MIL told me, in confidence that she was having 'symptoms that shouldn't be happening at my age' but didn't elaborate. As she was 78 at the time, it could only mean vaginal bleeding. Anyhow, I told her she absolutely must see the GP and she did. About a month later, she informed DH that she had uterine cancer (Stage 1, thankfully - hysterectomy and radiotherapy saw it off). He was really quite upset I hadn't mentioned anything about my previous conversation with MIL but she'd sworn me to secrecy. Looking back, I can see that my loyalty really should have been to the man I married, not his mother.

I agree with PP - give her a call in a couple of days and let her know you feel it unfair to keep this secret. Her son does have you to look after him after all (I know how 1950s that sounds but you know what I mean...) and I assume that if she needed support while he was away, you could step in. When (if) she tells him, you can then reassure him that you can support them both if needed.

Hopefully, the BC gets the message that it is to FOTTFSOFTFOSM and never show its ugly face again!