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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH his mother has cancer?

109 replies

Richvanilla · 22/01/2023 15:23

Name changed for this.

Backstory is that my husband works away for 4 months at a time and is currently halfway through his current trip (i.e. has another 8 weeks to go).

MIL called me yesterday to tell me she has been diagnosed with breast cancer but it has been caught very early and all being well she will have surgery to remove it and that will be it over.

She has asked me not to tell DH (her son) as it is hard enough for him working away for such long periods without adding in the stress of this too.

I don't know how I feel about keeping this "secret" from him but also, it's not my secret to tell. I feel like I can't win either way. If I tell him then MIL will be annoyed and if I don't then DH will be annoyed that I didn't tell him (at least I think he would be... Or maybe he would agree I was right not to tell him as she asked me not too).

Everyone else knows, his brothers, his cousins etc so he will be the only one who hasn't been told.

I have no idea what to do... Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
PinkPantherPaws · 22/01/2023 15:42

I wouldn't keep that secrt from DH for 8 weeks. If he did that to me I'd be livid.

MIL was out of order to put you in that position - if she'd not wanted him to know, she shouldn't have told you.

In your shoes now I'd call MIL and say I'd been thinking and I was sorry but I felt uncomfortable keeping this secret, so would you like to tell him yourself? And if not, tell her in advance I'd need to.

PayPennies · 22/01/2023 15:42

I would feel patronised, betrayed, infantilised and deceived by my spouse and fuck would I ever forgive that.

Yummymummy2020 · 22/01/2023 15:49

She is being really unfair telling you and not him. My mum did something similar on me but about my dads health and I’ll never forgive her for it. My partner told me and I was bloody glad he did. He would have been in the bad books if he didn’t to be honest, but I know different couples do things differently which is fine too. I agree you should ask her again to tell him especially that everyone else now knows including you. I always make a mental note to never do these things to my own kids but honestly it’s unnecessary as I just wouldn’t do it in the first place, I find it bizarre that she thinks it’s ok to do! Like If so many other people were not told it might be a different thing but I don’t know how she can do that to him!

AnneShirleysNewDress · 22/01/2023 15:55

My question is, if you don't tell him and he finds out you've known for 8 weeks, will he forgive you?

StickofVeg · 22/01/2023 15:55

If it were me I'd tell DH. She has no right to ask you to keep secrets from him.

ManchesterGirl2 · 22/01/2023 15:59

I'd tell him, unless there's some very specific reason not to (e.g. he's working in a war zone and can't afford any distractions). If you don't tell him, then in future he might worry what else he's not being told.

No-one has the right to demand you keep a secret from your spouse.

Hbh17 · 22/01/2023 16:04

Goodness, I'm shocked that people think a woman can't make choices about her own medical information! Moral of the story for me is never to tell anyone if I have a similar diagnosis, then there's no danger of it being passed on without my permission.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 22/01/2023 16:08

She is probably coming from a place of good intentions, albeit misguided.

I would call her again and tell her there are no secrets in your marraige & to not tell your husband feels like a betrayal that doesn't sit well with you & that you are not comfortable keeping this to yourself especially when there are do many other relatives that know and may mention it.

Give her the opportunity to tell him herself or if she doesn't want to. She is his mum, he might forgive her for not telling him but you are his wife, he may not forgive you. I wouldn't get over it if my partner kept that from me regardless of what my parents asked of him.

musingsinmidlife · 22/01/2023 16:09

Hbh17 · 22/01/2023 16:04

Goodness, I'm shocked that people think a woman can't make choices about her own medical information! Moral of the story for me is never to tell anyone if I have a similar diagnosis, then there's no danger of it being passed on without my permission.

Good thing you learned this now. Don't tell your son in law major things and tell him not to tell your daughter.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2023 16:09

I'd tell him, and tell him his mother asked you not to.

I'd tell her what you had done.

It's likely she's chosen this tiny little element of control over the situation because she's shocked and upset over her diagnosis, and I would doubt it's 'very early stage and only needs an operation'.

RenoNovice2023 · 22/01/2023 16:09

Hbh17 · 22/01/2023 16:04

Goodness, I'm shocked that people think a woman can't make choices about her own medical information! Moral of the story for me is never to tell anyone if I have a similar diagnosis, then there's no danger of it being passed on without my permission.

Completely agree with this too. This is why I never tell anyone anything as people can’t keep anything to themselves when asked. Your OH can’t do anything whilst away. He can be told when the time is right, especially as it can be dealt with before he gets home. There are many people you can speak to about your worries and concerns. Just don’t place them on someone who can’t help and will worry unnecessarily. If you do this you will be in a much better place to help and support them afterwards.

EpicChaos · 22/01/2023 16:12

Don't tell him, what do you think he can do about it where he currently is? Nothing, is the answer, not a damned thing, except worry himself half to death over it, which will affect his mental health and his work and for what? Something he is powerless to change.
As you said, it's not your secret to tell, prognosis sounds very good, so just leave as is for now.
I hope all goes well for your MIL, it sounds like she has a good, positive mental attitude, which is the best thing to have in that position.

Lenald · 22/01/2023 16:12

I would end things with my husband if he kept the fact my Mother had cancer from me.

Not telling him is an insane suggestion imo.

I would have a chat to MIL and say I’m so sorry, but I can’t keep this from him and I would like to give you the opportunity to tell him first but if you don’t I will have to.

NoSquirrels · 22/01/2023 16:13

There are many people you can speak to about your worries and concerns. Just don’t place them on someone who can’t help and will worry unnecessarily.

OP hasn’t said she’s worried at all, and actually there’s no indication her DH would ‘worry unnecessarily’ and he’s in the same position of helpfulness/helplessness whether he’s away or at home. About the only difference is he can’t give his mum a hug.

I’m sure his mum thinks she’s being sensitive to him, but actually it’s the opposite (unless he’s prone to overreacting).

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/01/2023 16:13

Hbh17 · 22/01/2023 16:04

Goodness, I'm shocked that people think a woman can't make choices about her own medical information! Moral of the story for me is never to tell anyone if I have a similar diagnosis, then there's no danger of it being passed on without my permission.

Of course she can. What she can't do is tell everyone and then make decisions about other people's marriages. I won't keep secrets from DH and I would be really annoyed if he knew something about my parents and didn't tell me.

MiddleParking · 22/01/2023 16:15

I assume him coming home is really special to you if he goes away for four months at a time. Is it not going to spoil your next reunion a bit when he has to learn his mum has cancer and you’ve got to either lie to him about having known or tell him you knew all along?

CohenTree · 22/01/2023 16:16

Do not tell him. He can't do any thing, either about the cancer or in practical terms (hospital visits etc). She doesn't sound in imminent danger of death so all it would do is worry him unnecessarily.

NumberTheory · 22/01/2023 16:17

Hbh17 · 22/01/2023 16:04

Goodness, I'm shocked that people think a woman can't make choices about her own medical information! Moral of the story for me is never to tell anyone if I have a similar diagnosis, then there's no danger of it being passed on without my permission.

Very true - if you want something to be a secret, don’t tell anyone. Once you tell, it’s not just your secret.

Sometimes it’s not a big deal for the person you tell. They won’t have feelings of obligation around the information and other people. So they’ll be happy to follow your wishes because they support you and it’s no cost to them. But in the OP’s situation it clearly is a big deal and it puts her in a really awkward position and jeopardizes her relationship with her husband. It’s not right to expect her to simply follow your wishes when there may be a cost to her.

ManchesterGirl2 · 22/01/2023 16:17

RenoNovice2023 · 22/01/2023 16:09

Completely agree with this too. This is why I never tell anyone anything as people can’t keep anything to themselves when asked. Your OH can’t do anything whilst away. He can be told when the time is right, especially as it can be dealt with before he gets home. There are many people you can speak to about your worries and concerns. Just don’t place them on someone who can’t help and will worry unnecessarily. If you do this you will be in a much better place to help and support them afterwards.

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He can't do much to help when he's back either! It's not like he's a surgeon!

Surely, apart from going with them to appointments, and potentially some care tasks if needed, most of what you do for someone with early stage cancer is emotional support. Which can be done through phone calls. And probably he would want to be given the chance to do.

RenoNovice2023 · 22/01/2023 16:19

Lenald · 22/01/2023 16:12

I would end things with my husband if he kept the fact my Mother had cancer from me.

Not telling him is an insane suggestion imo.

I would have a chat to MIL and say I’m so sorry, but I can’t keep this from him and I would like to give you the opportunity to tell him first but if you don’t I will have to.

Really? I suspect anyone not telling a partner/husband had a very long thought process about this and the fact it is curable would make an easy decision for someone working away. It’s not about you. It’s about the person diagnosed who will be told you don’t know. Be grateful it’s not terminal and you didn’t know until afterwards.

GolfEchoRomeoTangoIndia · 22/01/2023 16:21

Give her a few more days to get her head round the situation herself, then ring her to ask how she's doing and also ask her permission to tell DH.

Explain to her that he's said he would like to be told bad news in other circumstances and that he's a sensible adult who will understand that this is bad but not disastrous news, that he'd like to be able to chat to his mum and offer moral support and he'd probably be upset to have it kept from him.

Lenald · 22/01/2023 16:21

RenoNovice2023 · 22/01/2023 16:19

Really? I suspect anyone not telling a partner/husband had a very long thought process about this and the fact it is curable would make an easy decision for someone working away. It’s not about you. It’s about the person diagnosed who will be told you don’t know. Be grateful it’s not terminal and you didn’t know until afterwards.

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A DH is not a child needing to be protected.

I stand by opinion whole heartedly - keeping this from me is not something I would thank anyone for. I would be getting a divorce, or it would least have a serious detrimental affect on our marriage/relationship.

category12 · 22/01/2023 16:23

I'd respect her wishes.

If he's military, maybe it's worth getting advice from them about how best to manage news of this sort? They'd be the experts.

But overall I'd go with her preference.

NumberTheory · 22/01/2023 16:23

RenoNovice2023 · 22/01/2023 16:09

Completely agree with this too. This is why I never tell anyone anything as people can’t keep anything to themselves when asked. Your OH can’t do anything whilst away. He can be told when the time is right, especially as it can be dealt with before he gets home. There are many people you can speak to about your worries and concerns. Just don’t place them on someone who can’t help and will worry unnecessarily. If you do this you will be in a much better place to help and support them afterwards.

Show quote history

OP’s primary concern may not be (I would argue should not be) supporting MiL. Her primary concern is her relationship with her DH. And for many couples openness is a big part of creating and maintaining a strong relationship, especially when there is distance involved.

The issue for OP isn’t in needing someone to talk to about what MiL has told her. It’s her making sure her DH feels he can always rely on her.

KangarooKenny · 22/01/2023 16:25

I’d say he has a right to know, everyone else already knows.