To tell DH his mother has cancer?

[Richvanilla]

Name changed for this.

Backstory is that my husband works away for 4 months at a time and is currently halfway through his current trip (i.e. has another 8 weeks to go).

MIL called me yesterday to tell me she has been diagnosed with breast cancer but it has been caught very early and all being well she will have surgery to remove it and that will be it over.

She has asked me not to tell DH (her son) as it is hard enough for him working away for such long periods without adding in the stress of this too.

I don't know how I feel about keeping this "secret" from him but also, it's not my secret to tell. I feel like I can't win either way. If I tell him then MIL will be annoyed and if I don't then DH will be annoyed that I didn't tell him (at least I think he would be... Or maybe he would agree I was right not to tell him as she asked me not too).

Everyone else knows, his brothers, his cousins etc so he will be the only one who hasn't been told.

I have no idea what to do... Any advice gratefully received!

Pretty straightforward .

She has asked you to keep it confidential, so that's what you do.

Your own feelings are not the point here.

Other comments imploring you to tell him are really unfair.

If she'd told you and wanted him to know, fair enough.

But that's not what she wants.

Her wishes at this dreadful time for her trump yours.

How ridiculous.

Its HIS mother's wishes.

It's not the OP who is deceiving him.

She has been asked to keep a secret so it won't affect his focus on his work away.

We occasionally have this from fil about fil health and not telling sil who lives about 2 hours away. We usually listen to her, but have on occasion ignored her when we feel sil should know the current status.

In this case I would listen to your mil and wait to see how how news progresses over the coming weeks.

But it's not about what you think is right is it?

It's not your body. It's nothing to do with 'rights'.

It's what his mum wants.

And if he 's not on the phone or in touch with his siblings, he won't know anyway.

His mum is coming at this from a sense of care.

My own mum has sometimes not told me about her illnesses until after the event , for the same reason- to spare me worry when being long-distance and unable to do anything about it.

People make decisions and choices that may seem perverse but as she is dealing with cancer, the very least is for her DIL to do as she asks.

Is it likely that anyone else will tell him?

If she didn't want him to know it seems daft to have told Op!

Surely MIL could have told them both in 8wks time!

It’s not about OP. Her MIL has asked her not to tell her son for very obvious reasons. Respect that otherwise if things get worse she will never tell you again. Or anything else for that matter. He’ll know in 8 weeks when he is home. Stop thinking the worst and be positive. It can be sorted just like the op says. Just think it’s not bad as being told you are terminally Ill with weeks left to live. I know you might be shocked but extended family support will help you all. Just don’t worry someone who can’t help, can’t get home, and will fret unnecessarily about a mum who will probably be over the worst inn8 weeks time.

You need to respect the wishes of the person with cancer. Whether you like it or not. Anything else is disrespectful.

I am surprised that so many people’s relationships would not survive a secret like this being kept. Breaking someone’s confidentiality without an urgent need to do so, is just awful.

If she didn't want him to know it seems daft to have told Op!

MIL may have had to account for being out of action and in hospital for surgery.

I think if this had been more serious and terminal, with a very poor prognosis, his mother should have told him, but as it's relatively minor and likely to be a day in hospital for a lumpectomy, there is no point worryinghim IF THAT IS HER WISH.

This reminds me of families who argue over their loved ones funerals. The person who died expresses 'unpopular' wishes for their funeral and some family member isn't happy and wants to do it all 'their way'.

I think it was wrong of her to put you in this position, but maybe she needed to share the information with you so she could talk about it. A cancer diagnosis of any kind is scary, so I kind of understand where she is coming from. I don’t want to be unkind but I also think she’s over simplifying. Cancer is not straightforward and hopefully all will be well and go to plan, but there are no guarantees and while I really don’t think it’s your responsibility to tell your DH if she’s asked you not to, I would have a chat with her and explain that she’s put you in a very difficult and uncomfortable position. Tell her you can’t win no matter what you do and that given the seriousness of a diagnosis like this you really don’t think you can keep it from DH. Give her the opportunity to either agree to tell him herself a soon as she can or tell her you will, whether she agrees or not. Just out of interest - did she tell you first and then ask you not to say anything, or did she ask you to agree to keep quiet before telling you ? Either way is not on, but blurting it out and then asking you not to say anything is really unfair as she didn’t give you a chance to say you don’t want to know if you have to keep it a secret from DH.

She has put you in an impossibly difficult situation. Can you explain to her that it could feel horrible for DH to find out that everyone else knew she was ill apart from him and drive a wedge between the two of you who do not keep secrets from each other. Reassure her that he will cope like the adult he is and encourage her to tell him asap. Hopefully she would not want to cause trouble in your marriage and is probably not thinking it through. For the future you can make it clear to family not to confide news like this in you unless it can be shared as it can create unnecessary division. If she refuses can you hint to DH that he needs to speak to her about something important so he knows you are not witholding from him or would that be a bad idea? I hope your MIL comes through OK.

I can't imagine, even with the best of intentions, taking that information, being kept from me, well. I disagree that your husband can't do anything because he can call her and show he cares. He wants to know about his grandma and can't imagine he wouldn't want to know about his mum. Someone I know who works away has the attitude that life continues at home but they don't want to be protected from it, they are part of it.

@Richvanilla I am surprised you needed to ask this.

Your MIL has told you something in confidence and you ask 'what do I do?'

Well, you do as she asked.

You are not the one with the diagnosis.
Her wishes may seem odd to you, but this really is 'all about you' now.

You must also realise, wearing your unemotional hat, that your DH would have this added worry while he is away.

Presumably he is in the field somewhere, on a rig, overseas, working in construction, where he can't do anything anyway if he knew.

You are creating a problem that doesn't exist if you just do as she has asked.

I think that if 'everybody knows' (ie other DC etc) then chances are that at some point he's going to realize that he was not told when the others were. Does she plan on telling him when he gets home? For me, if my mum kept this type of cancer a secret from all of us, I think I could accept that. But if I found out that she'd told my DH and my Dbro and never told me, that I'd find hard to deal with.

I agree with PP, call her and tell her she's being unfair and underestimating your DH.

he can't do anything anyway if he knew

Why do people keep saying this? No one can ‘do’ anything about a cancer diagnosis. His location doesn’t make a difference. His mum can reassure him she’s got all the practical help she needs (I assume she has, with an extended family who all know), so all he could ‘do’ regardless is offer emotional support.

I’d feel so excluded if I wasn’t told when everyone else was, regardless of whether it was thought ‘in my best interests’.

I am surprised that so many people’s relationships would not survive a secret like this being kept. Breaking someone’s confidentiality without an urgent need to do so, is just awful.

There is a school of thought that some couples have to tell each other everything. Personally I think this is weird and controlling and I own my own mind. However, I think being asked to keep a secret from your partner that concerns them is a very difficult one. Where it’s things about my family/ friends etc then I keep whatever secrets I like.

I would tell him: she had no right to ask you not to tell him. If she wanted to keep it away from him, she should not have told you either.

I second this @NoSquirrels 👍🏻

I think your MIL has put you in a horrible position as she's deferred her decision not to tell her son onto you. If he doesn't like that choice, you're now also in the firing line. Your DH's relationship with his mother is likely to be okay afterall she's the one with cancer and she's his mum. How will your relationship with DH fair? Only you can speculate on that and only you can decide if you want to risk it?

Personally, I'd prioritise my relationship with DH over my relationship with my MIL. I'm married to DH, we made vows. I didn't make those with his mum. I would talk to MIL first but I would tell my DH.

I wouldn’t tell hm. You’re being respectful to his mum and she’s the person who is most in need right now. I wouldn’t put pressure on her to tell him herself either and I wouldn’t go behind her back because she obviously trusts you and I wouldn’t ruin that. I’d tell dh that I put his mum first under the circumstances as that’s what he’d have wanted you to do.

My theory is always ask about the relationship first. So, "hey best friend, if I tell you something will you feel duty bound to tell your DH. It concerns sex/health/money/whatever" and then see what the person says. If they said, "we share everything" or "it will go with me to my grave" you share accordingly.

My BF's DH was my DH's BF so it was very important to do this.

God forbid something happens to her and then you have to explain why you didn’t tell him or give him the opportunity to talk to his Mum and tell her he loves her. We were told my Mum had 18 - 24 months to live with chemo treatment. She was dead within 2 weeks of her first chemo treatment - things happened very quickly. If my parents had not told me because they thought everything would be ok for the next few weeks I would not have had the time to sit with my Mum.
He has already said if something were to happen to other relatives or the family dog he would want to know. Surely to goodness his Mum should feature in that list. However give her the option to tell him or tell her you will tell him but give him the full picture she has given to you.
She doesn’t want to worry him and that is understandable so when you tell her explain that you have previously discussed this for other relatives and he wants to know. It also means he can be kept up to date and his first days back from working away will not be upsetting getting the news of her illness.

You can decide who you tell. You cannot dictate who they tell. If you want to silence other people then you tell them that in advance and give them a choice in the matter, you don’t just get to silence other people.

The worst thing I have ever done is to have delayed telling DS that DH had cancer and that was for24 hours whilst he flew home.

I would tell MIL that I won't keep her secret but I would give her a couple of days to tell her son. DH used to work away and would never have forgiven me if I'd withheld such important information. But and it's a big but I am me not you

You tell her that this is a bad idea and he needs to know like the rest of the family. I would give her a choice - she tells him within the next few days or you are willing to do it for her if she would prefer that.

I would speak to her and make it clear that I'm not prepared to keep a secret from DH when everyone else has been told. Either she can tell him or I will. She shouldn't have put you in that position.

Years ago my Uncle asked me to keep a secret from my Mum (not health) and I told her the following day. My relationship with Mum was more important to me than keeping his secret. To her credit Mum never ever said she knew and looked surprised when she found out.